Where she live
It rains bullets
And snows ash
From fires
Started with a crash
She breathe dirt
And debris
On a daily basis
The sky is black
The fields are too
The only thing in common
Is that they have a McDonalds too

How can you miss me
When I've been right here
And you are the one
Who went missing

My heart recruited you
Showed you affection
We got along with ease
Like we'd known each other in another realm

The realm of souls
And mine was inclined
To the righteous in you
The good had kept us bound

There were too many coincidences
That had to mean something
Like a soft rain of post it notes
That stole my attention

If tonight comes
I won't wait for tomorrow
Come
Break me once more
I'll enjoy it
All over again
I was meant to end in your arms

There's a song
That reminds me of you
Everytime it plays
I'm taken back to the good old days
It's like I can picture it with my eyes open
How your hand would move to the volume button on the stereo
The sound would flood your car
And you would tell me you loved this song
I'd say I know
And from both our lips
In sync the lyrics would flow
Heads bobbed
And arms raised
Like marionettes we performed a routine
Even though we no longer speak
There's always going to be this song
That reminds me of you
And my hand will move to the volume button
And I will sing it like a memorial
My body will move like a puppeteer controlling it
I will dance a ritual that was never broken

Red is the heartbreak
Purple is the poison
Green are the questions
Of doubt, of why

But black is the emptiness of a soul
Like a thief in the depths of the darkest night
Who stole your most precious thing
And you didn't even know

White is the nothingness
The complete numbness
The constant something is missing
Slayed into oblivion

Together they are the buzzing vortex
The colours that are not even in the rainbow
The ones that matter the most
And you can't even catch them

Because they don't exist

The temples and mosques are burning
Where are the worshippers?
Jai Shree Ram
Allah Hu Akbar
When they leave in search of a heaven
That can be found in blood stains
Where are the Gods?
So when the faithful lose their way
When the pure turn away
When the innocent give up
Who will buy into the pundits and Imaams
If the heaven of others is through the death of their brothers?

Once we lay
On the green carpet of the Earth
Looking up at an oil painting
There was not a star in sight
But the clouds look like velvet
There was a stillness in the air
And it felt like we were the only ones out there
The moon appeared
But it did not speak to us
I showed you who I was
Before the world told me who I should be
And I had given you the opportunity
To die in my arms
Or on the pages of my poetry
You chose
And I wrote
I am still writing you away
Perhaps I loved you to miss you
Perhaps it was the relief I'd feel everytime I met someone new
And didn't feel the same way as I did with you

Have you seen the way I look at you
Can you read the thoughts in my mind
Do you feel how my hand lingers
Just a little longer against your spine

Do you know how much I love you
How often for you I pine
Can you hear the wish in my voice
That I want you to be mine

So many look at life from the outside
And all the troubles that are wrought
Only seeing it in problems
Never focusing on God

But what I see are the miracles
That come in oh so clear
And number one on that list
Is the miracle we're still here

Everyone has a guardian angel
Looking out for you
Someone's prayers touched the heavens
Someone truly loves you

When the impossible is made possible
And hope comes out of the hopeless
A barren land bears fruit
And the bitter is made sweet

And it's a sweetness you can taste
As the miracles abound
Pouring blessings down from the heavens
Onto man's fertile ground

Horrible endings that brought new starts
The medical that came back clear
Tears of misery that end in laughs
Having all your family near

So count all of your blessings
Not your lucky stars
Because everyday in every way
These are miracles from God

It was a simple complication
Of miscommunication*

I think one of us misunderstood,
An assumption was made,
What should have happened still could,
Let's acknowledge it before it fades.

That's not what I was trying to say,
But I guess its what you wanted to hear,
You've interpreted it in the wrong way,
and now everything is left unclear.

Running
I like running
Her words whispered into the cold night air
Releasing the fog around her brain
And after that stumble they came tumbling out
It's easy you know
To put distance behind you
It's my favourite thing to do
Its funny how a misunderstanding could help you understand more than you were ever supposed to
For I imagined her
Turning her back
Moving on and starting again
I thought she meant running like me
....like me
That's what I do
I run
But she always returned back to the start
I never did

Me and Mom
We don't get on
She says right
I say move along

We have different values
Opposing mindsets
With conflicts
But she will always be my safety net

My mom she's protective
And I'm like a hyper bird
Running before I walk
Talking without thinking first

I chase dead ends
Flying down the highway
Trusting the traffic of people
Who've tried and tested

But my mom she knows
Has a special radar
Which glows
An intuition that later shows

That's not for you my child
Your heart won't find ease
Yet still I plead
Mom please

So she keeps firm her hold
At times tugs back
A sharp whiplash
To keep me on track

I remember when she said
I don't quite like
That friend of yours
Mark my words

Not long after
A lesson was to be learnt
That friend ashamed
And let me take the blame

Moms have wisdom
Of paths they didn't choose
A time they never knew
Always thinking the best for you

Little by little
She earns and watches it crumble away
Quicker than she could blink
Faster than she could save
To laugh and cry at the same time
Desperation and relief all rolled into one
All is well until the next utility bill comes along
And so mundane hours begin once again
Double shift
Still never enough
Hand to mouth
That's all she's ever known
A little bump and she falls off the treadmill

I watch you stare into space
At memories I want to get my hands on
Your fingers trace whispers of
Two souls cut from the same cloth
And how one became a moon drop
Due to budget cuts
The light at the end of the tunnel was turned off
And dreams were dreamt in black and white
Time no longer moved by mood to moment
Living by the currents and planning by the tide
Following the sun
Now it moves hour by hour
Each day is something to survive
Merely exist
Trying to hold onto something that's already gone
And I can see that you will never close your eyes again
For the person whom you belonged with
No longer exists

"I'm not looking for love"


The words of fools
No one who knows love looks for it
And those who don't
Think they have a choice

Love doesn't come knocking
Asking politely if it should enter
Waiting on your permission
Love is not a vampire

Love is a mosquito who will feast without invitation
It will lubricate the entrance to your heart without you realising
And shamelessly drink directly from the valve
You will be in love before you know it
And when it turns cold

Love goes away

But do not be misled

It does not die

Love will fester beneath your skin

And simmer in the heat of your longing

It will flicker in and out of your life

In your thoughts, in your memories

In your dreams and the future you built in words

It will always own some of the veins within you
And when the fragrance of it finally fades
It will feel like a bite out of your life
One that lasted mere days
But left scars that last a lifetime

My heart is mine
But mostly its yours
And I won't forgive you
Because I won't know how to forget
That my heart is mine
But mostly it's yours
I can trace where too many good women have gone to die
And all you left us with
Was your agitated pacing

Oh my beloved motherland
Tell me of you?
I used to sing in the wind
And pray upon shooting stars
Tell me of the springs
Does it still adorn you with luscious green?
Oh my beloved homeland
Do the poppies still bloom?
I've become a lonesome river finding my way to the sea
I've become lost to myself
Every day is a suffering torment
Until I can return to you
And bemoan to you every torture and lament
This body of mine
Shakes in the cold wind
It creaks inside these mouldy walls
And pales in the dusk which arrives before the sun

When you left I didn't have a period for months
I thought I was pregnant
It turns out that trauma could do that to you
It's called secondary amenorrhea
But I call it mourning
I remember it as the time I missed you so much
Parts of my body gave up functioning without you
Now I see how people die of heartbreak

I can feel you near
haunting me
Comparing life
to when you were here,
Memories whisper around
the tomorrows that I fear
What if you've tainted?
Tugged between neither a distant
nor present time...
A recurring painting.
It's a strange feeling
when I'm where
I've wanted to be,
But held back
Just when I'm about to be free.
Where I subconsciously mime,
and constantly reminded
through these habits
left behind
from when you were mine.

Toil and trouble
He went through it all
Just a man yet so much more
He was the seal of prophet hood

Orphan child
Never knew his mother
But brought with him all parents rights
And love for children alike

Illiterate and uneducated
Yet not a word was taken for granted
Read in the name of Your Lord
A duty upon believers to seek knowledge

A noble and trustworthy tradesman
His character and personality spoke for him
Can you imagine in those times
A woman proposed to him

Committed to his mission
Peace treaties and alliances
Evicting racism and hatred
He even fought with rules and principles

He preached for the sake of brother hood
Humanity and love
We were all one
No nationality, no patriotism

Such responsibility
Yet never a burden
Beaten and exiled he lost his wife and kids
Still he carried on for us

Courageous and fearless
Never judged anyone by their past or looks
Open minded and tolerant
Even when he was helpless

Jewish neighbours
And Christian cousin in laws
He believed in good relations
And practised what was preached

He spoke of a time riddled with strife
Temptations with every breath
Those people would be tested the most
And he prayed for people he never met

Yes we love him
Because he guided us to right
Showed us a perfect example
The role model we all aspire to

Even though we've said things we do not mean
The cherry blossoms bloomed again
And all the sorrows you gave to me
Have been folded like fitted bedsheets
I have found a way
To feel them between my palms
And smooth them out
I have found a way
To live into them
And breathe the scent of detergent you once used

Hey you
I was thinking about you last night
Wrote a paragraph
Then backspaced all the lines

I'm sorry it's become this way
That things get in the way
That it's always too long
When I speak to you again

I think about you from time to time
Send a little prayer your way
I hope all is well
And life is treating you swell

I think of the troubles and harm you face
And believe you have the strength
To pull through and keep good pace
I hope these problems are never long in length

My friend I'm betting on you
I'm cheering on the side
Some battles have to be faught alone
Whilst people like me watch helplessly on

There were times I didn't go a single day
Without speaking to you
My friend I miss you
And I wonder at the changes life has done

Responsibilities
And duties
Have tied us down
I didn't know that growing up meant growing apart

My grandad
He parts wise words
He tells a story
Of once in a lifetime

Migration to England
Fresh off the boat
Earning at fourteen
To lend a hand he was keen

A tale
That could only be his
Of travelling to Afghanistan
Him and his car in 1966

A young wife and 3 sons
Along came a daughter
When he needed one
Got them married his job was done

He is the vision of hope
For without that
You might as well be a dead man
Work hard and live honest

My grandad always says
Do your bit
And stand tall and proud
Keep your feet firm on the ground

And now he speaks
Of friends all gone
Wrapped up in a shroud
That day will come for us all son

You'll lose your sight
Hearing
Teeth and hair too
Remember this no matter what you do

Never do anything
Which one day you will rue
And if you don't learn from your mistakes
Don't weep and expect anyone to pity you

Take a few steps with me
No words
Just hand in hand
Let us walk together for once

It's time to take blame for the raindrops
On your eyelashes
That you can see reflected in my eyes
Was it your hand or mine?

I'll give you reason to breathe
Within you I'll find reason to live
It's time to stop painting one another red
What if your child was mine?

Come to my house and we'll go on a picnic
To the most beautiful park
So relaxing and peaceful under a bright blue sky
I promise you will want to come back

I will show you the cornfields
Alongside the roses
My people work so hard
They are most welcoming

*I dreamt of you last night
We were together
You never stopped holding my hand
And we just walked side by side as far as we could go

We walked through your home
It rained but we held on
Seeking shelter at mine
No one stopped you

We just walked straight through
No borders
No visas
My land had your flag

And yours had mine

In the dreamy and ***** labor of my imagination
I imagine and reimagine us in every light
I gasp
and you sing back all the things I crave
While I write a duet with my tongue on your neck
The distinction of right and wrong
has always been a question of fire
It burns in my blood
and throbs in my body as you hover above me
And my heart relocates between my legs
You've become a hymn on my lips
An obsession
Which turns into panic
The moment you leave the cradle of my arms
I still can't figure out why
Without you
Time collapses
And in my heart there is an unripe grief
Soft and slowly rotting
Until your hips can fit onto mine
Until my lips can swear upon the firm softness of your skin
And claim you as mine
Call it love
But I call it dangerous
A terrifying risk
Of ruining everything
For a few stolen moments of time
We will not get what we want this way
And I want it more than anybody
I want to fly with you and keep flying
I want my hands to knot in your hair
Like roots making you my home
I want each time we kiss full on the mouth to be tender and bold
With possession
Not like a haven we desperately built with crumbling chalk

Writing something
Isn't the same as living it
And so I stopped writing

For the first time ever
I want time to slow down
I want it to gently whisk us along
And I don't want to think  
For me
You'll always be the most beautiful person in any room
No matter that you're already mine
I'll still want win your heart
Over and over again
And relish every moment
Of every future
That belongs to us

All your armies
All your fighters
All your tanks
And all your soldiers

Against a boy
Holding a stone
Standing there
All alone

In his eyes I see the sun
In his smile I see the moon
And I wonder
I only wonder,

Who is weak?
And who is strong?
Who is right?
And who is wrong?

And I wish
I only wish,
That the truth has a tongue.

To my dear husband,
the love of my life,
you make everything right,
in times of joy and strife.

You are my rock, my anchor,
the one I can always turn to.
Your love is my greatest treasure,
a love that is true and true.

You make every day brighter,
with your smile and your charm.
I am grateful for your love,
that keeps me safe and warm.

You are my partner, my friend,
the one I can always depend on.
I am lucky to have you,
my best husband, the one I adore.

Here's to many more years,
of love, laughter, and cheer.
I am blessed to have you by my side,
forever and always, as my guide.

I'm jealous of the way
You can feel things
Oppressed by anger of how I can't show you I care
And just telling me to be myself
Is not working
When I don't know who I am
Is myself the child he walked away from
Or the one who cried herself to sleep
I didn't like that weak person I used to be
Maybe myself was when I trusted to a fault
And let everyone in
I didn't like that girl either
She forgot herself amongst friends
I wonder if now I am finally myself
But it's just not someone you like
I'm tired of finding myself in clothes that are not mine
At parties I don't fit in

you taught me how to trust with my eyes closed
then showed the blind the whole world
my world became the orbs that held me in them
and within mine you became frozen

with every movement your lips made
I reserved the right to keep those words
and for my heartbeat that raced in your name
you reserved the right to my life

together we each learnt how to fly
and separated during take off
now I see you in the horizon
up above my world so high

somewhere ahead I'll take a left turn
I'm mapping out a new destination
beyond the tremor of touch you left behind
I can feel new sensations

So pure so innocent
Yet you kept him behind closed doors
Authorities don't know he existed
He cried and your head hurt
Maybe you're mad
You were meant to protect him
Like any mother with a newborn
Its like he wasn't yours
But when she cried
Your heart hurt
Ran your hand across his cheeks
Pressed your palm on his lips
Conceived in hate
Made him feel less than
And today he should have been
4 years old
Not a rotting corpse
I wish I could take his pain
And dissolve it
What if somebody noticed?
The cuts on your arms
Constant tugging down
Long sleeved tops
And the prescriptions
That you weren't fit
Mental illness
What if the health officials
Did their job properly
Visited your house
And gave him safety
Policies and practices
Intervention and prevention
Something should have been done
Somewhere
Something
Someone
Went wrong

It is said we are not born
Hating nor loving
Yet out there
Hidden devils reside
Likewise there are angles in disguise
Religious supposed peace loving individuals
Beliefs mocked and ridiculed
God denouncing nations
Showing the most compassionate emotions
It is neither black nor white
It not either love or hate
Actions within themselves or intentions
Constructs of experience holding us to attention
Falling in the trap of stereotypical conventions

I've never heard
Silence echo so loud
I've never ached
For something I never had

Now I dream
To fly without wings
I would steal God's stars
If that's what you wanted

The intoxication of coloured springs
Gives life a whole new perspective
If ever heaven exists
I would vouch for it's presence

Beyond what the eyes can see
Are hearts with twin beats
There flutters a breeze
That longs to be alive

I would risk being called mad
But never a scent was smelt
Never did you want or need
Never were you ever so afraid

A soul that willingly submits
A veil surrounds those it befits
A warmth; a caress
Dare you call it anything less

Never was someone to a heart
So dear
Never will you ever find a
Greater treasure

A presence that can barely be felt
As though you had never lived without
Words which can do no justice
A language that can only be breathed

To my mother,

I could never be like you
I'm too untame and wild
Stubborn and selfish
Ever since I was a child

I'm foolish
I can't hide my anger
I can't hide my distaste
I don't care about slander

I don't plan ahead
I'm harsh and rude
I can't hold my tongue
Bitter and crude

I run away from my troubles
I find it hard to forgive
Even the smallest things
I can't forget as long as I live

Mother, I'm impatient
Rude and arrogant
My faith wavers and falters
I'm anything but eloquent

Mother I have your eyes
And your nose
I don't have your patience
And heart of gold

We disagree on many things
Mother, we don't get along
But know that I love you
With you is where I belong

You make my heart soft
My faith strong
You're my mum
Remain with me lifelong

I have met bitter people with sweet faces
And rich people with poor intentions
Darling
Everything about you
Is as clear as day
Your eyes
Your face
Your lips
They all show the same
As your heart
I love that with you I never have to search for the truth
Promise me
Promise me you'll never change
I love you just the way you are

You taste like salt
And the brokenness of calm
An unease of the heart
Eyes that close and see
The formation of a new world
A new day different from the day you lived
Of a life merged into mundane days
To a start that has no beginning
Away from the wilderness of pain
Hurtling through time and space
A time to where you look at the sky once again
And the beams of the sun are not just a taunting harsh glare in your face
No more fumbling for aspirins in the cabinet
That no longer exists

I guess in the end
She didn't have to say anything at all
I just knew
She had suffered more than she deserved

It pierces my heart
And a sharp pain
      Erupts
As memories forgotten
      Emerge
And I realise it still hurts
That feeling meant
I still cared
Buried regrets
      Surfaced
Only to be haunted
By moments
That are too late to fix

Everything you say hits a little closer to home 
It's slightly below the belt
Like a soccer punch to the gut
And I just laugh it off 
Because with me
Everything is just a joke 
I would laugh at a funeral 
But how would you know 
I'm good at ruining things
It's what I do best
Always my fault 
So I keep secrets 
You don't know the half of it 
I'd rather seem cold and calculating 
Heartless and ruthless 
Because caring will show you the real me 
And I don't like who that is 
A bunch of insecurities 
Flaws stitched together 
With good intentions 
A past smudged with reasons to forget 
Lies that make me everything I am 
People who turned their backs and ran
Trust that I found hard to get 
Played like a game and now I'm in debt 
Don't tell me you care
Don't make me trip 
I am no one anyone can fix