Set free my captive mind
The pen needs no water nor light
It spills the ink of my soul in letters
The blunt lines and dark smudges
Staining my fingertips as I rub to blur it out
Making it look soft and old
A part of the past
I can still see the grooves where the ink ran out
Of when I wrote you for myself
And in a candle lit room
When I tilt the paper
I can make out the laugh in your smile
And see where we hug
So what if it's barely visible
I don't believe in bad omens

Johan you are my favourite poem
Of illusion
Memory and dreams
Of victory and in it defeat
Johan you are the poem
That's bigger than my heart
That's at the mercy of God
The power of prayer
You are my honour and bravery
My sickness and disease
You are the poem
Between twilight and dusk
With sleepy eyes
The one I wake to
My day and night
Johan
You are my favourite poem
Of art and music
With almond honey eyes
And dark curls
The poem about
The thrum of a pulse
The one I'm closest to
Like the moon drowning in the sea

I. Pride

He claims he loves God
He bows down many times a day
But his tongue is quicker than his brain
He loves what the gossip says

II. Greed

He gives to charity with both hands
Cos that's what his religion says
He makes sure all eyes are on him
So he gets public praise

III. Wrath

Charming and polite
They think he's a family man
But behind closed doors
The devil is his number one fan

IV. Envy

He preaches
He condemns
Speaks out against sin
But there's no one he'll defend

V. Sloth

Study circles and sermons
He plans all the dates
Fundraisers and events
They always start late

VI. Lust

Short skirts and plunging necklines
He abhorrenly hates
Vehemently protests
Yet head to toe doth his eyes rake

VII. Gluttony

Feasts of kings
He is thankful to God before he tastes
The blessing before him
To this testifies his waist

It's my word against his
And I have nothing but the way he made me feel
The sleepless nights, anxiety attacks and skin dried out from the wetness of my tears
Is hardly evidence
But the rumours and gossip
That I'm not the only one
Could have been the only thing to save me
Yet no one came forward
To take a stand
And my voice was weaker than the cry our voices could have been together
So I'm just another story for the next girl to hear
I'm just another reason for her voice to be weaker

Meanwhile he gets promotions
And climbs higher up the ladder
It's called social capital
These people know people
Like the ones you grieve to
And forms of complaint go missing as easily as the people
They can and will make you non-existent

When I caught feelings for you
It was like a virus
An infection that spread
Out of control
Once it was in my bloodstream
It was impossible to purify
My body betrayed me
Everything about you corrupted my mind
It took me a while to accept it
I was in denial of the illness
Rejected the possibility
That I could be sick for you
That I'd want you
Even when I didn't want to
How my brain would glitch on every conversation
Hang onto every word
My eyes would notice every dip, crook and curve of your skin
I want to count your freckles
I want our skin to touch
I want to see your eyelashes rest against your cheek every morning
When I caught feelings for you
I surrendered to the flames
Be it the beginning or the end
Just be it with you

If lies had shape it would be the curve in his smile
The brightness of his teeth
He was the growling of fire
Whilst I was the silence of ashes

No
He didn't make any promises
He didn't sell me a dream
But the way in which he spoke
Showed me things I've never seen
Between the lines
I heard a song
Which makes me want to move to the rhythm of his symphony
Eyes closed
I feel like an imposter
Stealing each note
As it flows like water
My soul awakens
Like a memory is calling
My heart wants to kneel
To dwell
To lose itself
In the spirit of fantasy

Kindness is the key to life
Because it shows respect
Peaceful people pray in harmony
Because it shows respect

Doves soaring through the deep blue sky
Destroying conflict between you and I
Freedom standing in the light
Making choices that are always right

When you show respect to others
In all you say and do
The respect that you have offered
Will be given back to you

Speak with courtesy and with kindness
And honour rules with pride
Listen, learn, treat others well
And you'll find your own self respect inside

Does your blood not move?
Nor your heart heave?
At a king's compassion
His helpless mercy

With honour does he rule
In trust he leads
Upon the enemy
He takes no pride

It is God's will
The people he serves
The king is a protector
Of lands and servants

With power he knights
And rules as he knows best
A righteous person
Who kneels in war to his Lord

A king does not **** a king
Nor a king severs a treaty
In peace he speaks
The greater good he seeks

With no choice they strived
Fought for many nights
Broke many walls
And shed lots of blood

A king who valued life
Grieved for his tribe
For the peace that was broken
Over the holy land of Jerusalem

Command power and respect
tighten the noose of your control
Force your presence upon others
Oblivious to your tainted affect
Believe things are in the palm of your hand
For this is what you are falsely granted
A misuse of nature
Of ***

But behind backs
There is mockery, outrage, hatred
Dreams are kept sacred
Plans continue,
Once upon a beginning when the dusk settles the villain is in exile and you find out it was a tactile all along.

We were hopeful fools
To think that your broken could heal mine
To want eachother to be our reason for life
To explore the ruins of our souls
And try to turn ashes into treasure
We were infatuated with the geography of our scars
How truly delirious we were
To try and make them a gallery of art
There are wounds inside of us
Far more painful than anything that ever bleeds
We have shadows that cling to our skins
Like a rotten stench
Yet here we sit
Like flies
King of the dump
Scuttling in search of happy endings

Your problem was
That you knew too much
It was the first time I saw
Knowledge destroy a man
You had a heart
And the world didn't make sense
There was no logic nor reason
It was too fast paced
You had been through too much
Seen what no one should have to see
Lost more than anyone could imagine
This life had given you pain and suffering
With endless turmoil
Not even a promise of it ending
Nor a glimmer of hope
The problem was that you drew all the short straws
Had all the bad luck
And none of it was your own fault
Not a single soul to hold to account
No one that could bring it all back
Your problem was that you couldn't turn it off
That you couldn't leave the past
That you couldn't unhear
Unlearn
Unsee
In a world where we all turn blind eyes
Ignore what does not please
We deliberately avoid the knowledge
What we don't know
Can't hurt us
Nor can we be held accountable
Enough to be pacified
But you
You hunted the truth
Chased it like a hound
And even when you didn't like the taste
You swallowed it whole
And it poisoned you against living in a world of monsters

Come now
The last night is fast approaching
The curtain is falling
I wait for you this time
It’s the last hour
The last night
The last time
Come now for the sake of God
It’s the last breath
I will spend
Asking you
Don’t be late
Not now
With the last breath you have left
My friend come to God
Before you leave me bereft
From my lips to yours
I beg that my plea is heard
Repent
Ask for forgiveness
Ask for the one who can save you
I promise
He won’t ever turn away from you

Your friends
They came
Washed your body
Shrouded you
Stayed for your burial
Drank a shot or two in your name
And left again
Who cares after
The last breath is taken
They organise your last event
And there’s nothing left to say

You didn’t listen to me
Whilst you lived
And life betrayed you
To the people of this world
I salute you
Tomorrow I too
Will bid you farewell
And depart on
My last journey

Last night
After years you crossed my mind
Last night, like some past few times
I found your number and wrote a message
Hey, I hope you're well.
And lots of other things I would never say in the early hours of the morning
Last night, unlike the past few times
I pressed send
I wanted you to reply then
I waited wishing
And this morning I hoped you changed your number
This morning you're a can of worms I regret trying to open
I hope my attempts were unsuccessful

I wonder how many years worth of prayers are stuck on hospital room ceilings
A thick layer of souls lost like a language no longer spoken
I am drowning in the things I never got to tell you
Your last words are stuck in my throat
And I am haunted like a house by a ghost who once called me home
I feel the pull of the ocean to the tide you have become

I'll hide you like the stars in the city and
Keep you like a secret
The way we wake up and
Pretend we're not dying every single day
In a padlock of parallel realms
We could be friends
Like cheesy smiles at cliches
It's possible that these deja vu's are of previous lifetimes
And these couple of days are your forevers

I didn't want you to leave
Inside of me there was a forest
With trees standing like soldiers
Hoping to prevent you from going
Inside of me
There was a wolf
Howling at the moon
Hoping you'd hear me
I didn't want you to leave
But I couldn't make you stay
So I choked the birds in my throat
And swallowed the ocean
I helped you pack while my heart whined
Then watched you go
Wishing you would come back
Knowing how I would still welcome you
That the door you left through could never be closed
How could it?
When the only time it's ever felt like home
Was when you were with me

Drive to the gym
To run on the treadmill
Switch on the t.v
To keep you company

Neither too young nor too old
The perfect age to enjoy life and explore
But there is no job
And no money to be social

So you buy your freedom 
Through education
But tie a noose of debt around your neck
Then get a job worth so much less

And fill your life with stress
You finally earned some money
But have no time to spend it
And this is the cycle of life

To offer yourself to someone for smiles
Makes life all worth the while
To share someone’s grief
And listen to relieve

To have love in your heart for someone
A home where you feel wholesome
And this without a doubt
Is what life is all about

Granted, we are poor,
by the standard of our pockets
But here is the good part
We are rich at heart

Perish for love that is Life
Upwards and onwards we strive
Crave for spring that is life
Under which all thrive

Relationship between the heart and the hearts trust
The name of love lives on because of us

Even if we die we will be one
Remembered by someone
That we will smile through a little one
A flower will tell a bud, on and on

That this is what life is all about

If I could turn back time
Rewind
Make it undone
I swear that I would

Not to right wrongs
Or avoid mistakes
Nor to change or retake
So that I could remake

The past that I chose
Was what I wanted
And I'd choose it all over again
So that I could regain

That crisis that would make me
The friendships that contained
Obstacles I overcame
To make me who I am

These criss cross lines of fate
Upon my hand
Which destined my path to meet
Fallen stars to soften the blow
Of the cruel trials

The decisions that I took
Intertwined
And failed the test of time
Leaving a trail of lessons learnt

I'd go back and relearn
Everything happens for a reason
Now, or later on down the line
Whatever happens is for the best

I'd go back and be at ease
Freely let my worries
Dissolve into the oceans
Where they will amount
To the invisibility of air

I'd go back and see
Relive the signs
That would lead me closer to you
To submit
and surrender to the One above.

*inspired by a friend - fathiya

Watching her innocence fade away
Each moment a shadow
That grew darker in shades
She yearned for a light to be shone her way
But her smile deceived of the hidden kept at bay
The light she craved
Was hers to create
Dim and soft
It radiated from within
A gem amongst dust

I'm going to set my money on fire 
I have too much to burn 
I'm going to set it alight and watch it glow 
Light up brighter
Than the stars in city scapes 
We will stand in the cold 
And take some time to look up
At colours shooting and popping      
For once there is something to see 
And afterwards when there is 
Nothing but smoke left 
Of dying chemicals 
We will all look down again 
And wait for the reaction of the rain 
Back to mundane

I wonder if by now I have filled the sky with my pleas
For my heart has emptied to barely anything
Longing for the ocean breeze
I want without shame
The impossible that is
Like the echo of songs between the mountains
Above possession and destiny
Above the claim of imagination
And the future I can't foresee
Should I be punished and die in your adoration
Then let me be where I can see you
Bring my bones to the cobbled pavements
The winding meander of the sea
To the brink of a cliff
Where my soul could be set free

What's wrong
My love
Why do your eyes
Avert mine
Your hands crawl away from my fingertips
Your torso turns and leaves me behind
Your words
They drip between us
But I can't find the puddle
It feels like I am alone underwater
Ears filled with white noise
Your body lays next to me like an animal
Like I am wearing a dying loves dress
Like you're already living in the imagination
Of a dead loves future
Except it's not you in distress
My ache for you hits me
Like lightening striking a stream
Like bars
Wounding the water creating
Deep glugs as it drains cold inside of me
I'm the one who whines like an animal
Pines after you
Going crazy whilst I hide
Terrified to face the truth
Buried under the tide

I lost you
And I'll regret it always
But sometimes when I catch myself thinking of you
I say that if these hands were to ever reach for you again
I'd cut them off
I'm done performing autopsies on conversations from a lifetime ago
I didn't bury you in the past
I expelled you
You don't hide in some corner
No
I polished my heart with all the good
You lost me
And I'll regret it always

I cover my eyes
Before the blow reaches its mark
So I can't see her flesh wobble
Vibrate and see the blood pour out

I turn the music up louder
So I can't hear him shout
But they can hear it
From out of space

She adds fuel to the fire
And can't take the heat of the flame
Later sits in guilt
And both relish in the blame game

Don't let the doubt seep in
It wasn't your fault
You were provoked
It will sort itself out

He showers me with gifts
Monetary bribes
She envelops me in love
And that's why I hide

Cuss on a Monday
And pray on a Friday
I'm not even on the dance floor
But you drag me in everyday

I'd leave without looking back
But now I feel like
I owe you
I owe them to stay

Because you got us
Messed up smoking
One's drinking
And one's taking pills

Today I'm only a kid
But tomorrow I'll convince you
When I made it better
I'm on my way up

I'll never let you see me frown
I got dreams
I see them even when I don't sleep
One day this will be a distant memory

By the time you walked away
I didn't know if I had been kissed or cut
Loved or butchered
Just that I was happy you came close enough to touch

She knew love was just a safe place
To fall apart
To trust the hands
That bend you
And see pretty even without the sun's shine
Love was holding you in the dark
And being afraid of happiness
Lest it be taken away for being too much
Love was the realisation of having so much skin
After it became coordinates of every part you touched
Love is the story of how she pleaded with a map
As she measured oceans with the length of her fingers
And moved entire forests that came between you

How do you do it?
Give your love away so easily
So freely
Only a few times we met
And yet you bid me farewell
With an
I love you

I thought maybe
It had slipped out
Too late to be caught
In the heat of the moment
To be followed by distraught

But you said it everytime
Signed it like your name
At the end of every message
At a point where I think
I don't even know you yet

You don't even know me yet
But what I know is that
Love is too strong a word
To be distributed prematurely

Love is too strong a word
To be used so often
Oh my god I love this
Soon to be discarded

The special kind of love
The one where you really mean it
Is always present
It need not be announced

Love is spontaneous
And unexpected
Not necessarily repeated
Said like you mean it

*it's like the more you use something the cheaper it becomes. It sort of loses its effect and becomes common or habitual.

Love letters in the sand
Today 
Tomorrows destiny will be written 
And I'm hoping it will be with you 
You live in my imagination 
In the lids of my eyes
You come alive in my dreams
Looking out at the pure sea
The winds bid me farewell 
But me, I have made friends
With the night 
In the absence of the moon 
Where your eyes are the only light 
Let the wind carry my words to you

Love me
Like a sudden death
Like a first breath
With sulphur and sparks
Attack me with your love
Bite me, maul me, smother me
Like a dangerous starving bear
Leave your love on my skin
Like the rain does to island cliffs
I am a woman lost to the world
Lonely and tired
So be one with me
And let me posess your heart
Like carvings on a stone

He set out to make her his
Broke her walls of protection and built a castle amongst the ruins
Violated her dreams and flew kites in the smoke of passion from the fire he left behind
He tore apart memories of existence before he entered her life
Stole her breath and tricked her heart into stopping yet believing it was the most alive it had ever been
Her blood boiled with the whispered words that meant nothing
Gripping fingers caged her between the circle of arms
He tied her life to his and made the government a witness so she could never escape
Uncovered her weaknesses
And saw the insecurities and physical blemishes
He made her vulnerable
Until she accepted love was the biggest gamble she would play
So she played to win
She would possess him too

Love's anniversary
Came and went
Even one year
Is an achievement
Compared to a lifetime
Like before

Old school love
Love of courting
Wooed you in
He asked your daddy
Then took you out dancing
Said
Goodness gracious Grace
Your a sight for sore eyes
You blushed and replied
You too scrub up nice

Got you home by curfew
Showed you he was serious
Few more dates
Nothing improper
Treated you with respect
Then you got wed
White dress and chapel
Sweetheart
The baby came after

Now everything is backward
He sends a text
And you sneak out to meet him
Come back pregnant
So he accuses you of cheating
The he's gone missing
Along came another flirt
And you're taken
The baby became baggage
Another man's problem

One by one
They all came and went
One even
Signed the pre-nuptials
Registry office
Let's give this a go
But soon it broke down
You gave up
Like a heart on loan
That you couldn't afford the rent for
So love moved out
And he says
You can keep the kid
We'll go halves on the dog

Yesterdays walk with me
Lick my wounds
Remind me of words I don't want to remember
Shelter my present with echoes of loving whispers
Those in passing
Make me laugh
Laugh at me
Make me ashamed
Scare me in my dreams
Stop me from doing things
I have taken the path of a cursed woman
What of my words now?
What of a goal? Woebegone all that is not you
It would be a lie to say that I don't still ache for you
That my life will not pass in suffering
What of the soul I sold
For the magic of us felt too much to not believe in?

You pulled me towards you
And I came undone
Like I was waiting all my life
For the calling of your heartbeat
I came scattered
Went against the world
And pulled pieces of myself away
But to you I arrived whole
And you waited like a body without a soul
Like you always knew
My destination would always be you

Broken like a picture frame 
Discarded like a teabag
I found you alone in the backseat
Taking the long way home around the block

Watching the world drown in the rain
Wondering if you could join
Get lost in the crowd
And pretend you don't exist 

Wake up the next morning 
Like today never happened
Carefree of all the problems 
Piled on your plate 

Ignorance is bliss 
But denial is foolish 
If you chip away at a mountain 
Your bound to make a dent

You make me soft
Make me melt into a puddle
Make me a ******* before you
You make me feel

My heart squeeze
At the thought
You make me alive
Make me real

Make me angry
Make me happy
Make me feel it all for you
You make me sad

When you go
Make me solid
Make me unmoving
Unchanging

Make me stone
Make me cold
Make me stop
Make me what I used to be

I am trying to tell you
The world is beautiful
That you have forgotten something very important
Like quiet mornings
And the smell of a home cooked meal
Light traffic
And the wind against your face
You live in a land of
Hypothetical myths
Contained in scenes set in libraries
The idea of heaven
Does not mean there are things in this world you could never bring yourself to love
Heaven is a place of all your favourite things on Earth