I thought the harsh thumping against my chest
And the tingles down my spine
Would stop if I had my lips pressed against yours
But it didn't
It made it worse
And I felt it explode in my chest
Some kind of Morse code
But all I can hear is the white noise
Every fibre of my being
Every atom of my blood
Choosing the very moment my eyes set on you
To prove their existence
In that moment I'm painfully aware of everything
Yet there's nothing I can focus on
Its like you're the moon and I'm the tide

There's light inside me
My heart pumps to it
You see my heart
It's good
But the hands
My hands are sinful
They reach for you
And you hang onto my past
More than I
I am willing to let go
To forget
To grow
But your gaze always starts at my roots
And they are sprouted in hell

So close
Yet so far
On the edge yet
Not near enough

Standing at the boundary
In between
Not good enough
And too good to be true

Just missed it
Or too early
On standby but
If you were here another day

Another time
Another place
The unfinished sentence
At a cliff hanger

A question mark
Over a grave without a stone
The lost and found
The hole in your pocket

That fine line
Between love and hate
The 'go away'
And the plea to 'come back'

Between
The tears of joy
And the consolation hug
Of when you lose someone dear

That in-between colour
An indescribable shade
Somewhere between
Green and blue

The maybe
Between yes or it could be no
The piggy in the middle
The cracks in the road

This is the story
About when I was murdered
Hysterically unhappy
Stabbed me from behind
Through all the layers of dreams
I hardly felt a thing
Until each one was pierced
And burst slowly
Hissing in silent protest
A part of me seeped away
And I didn't notice it until it was gone
In its place was the most overpowering filling
Of nothingness
A deep aching emptyness
Since then I've been in search
Of arms that would wrap around
Like bandages to cover the hole

I blew my prayers at the skies
Hoping the wind would whoosh them to Heaven 
A faster delivery 
Seeking silence 
A blink in response 
A wordless cry
From afar somewhere in the distance 
And I received a sign
I've always received first class service
Like how this very moment I live the answer to the fog
Of memories I walked beside
The one where I sat on the prayer mat
And cried 
Begged and pleaded 
God please let this be 
And here I stand 
Back towards the giving hand
And everytime I turn around
I ask for more
Human greed
I don't deserve His mercy 
But don't leave me please 
I won't
I won't ever leave Your path
I need You more than I need my prayers answered

I need to know
Did you break or were you broken?
Did you forget or were you forgotten?
Your eyes show unease
And I see your forehead crease
I need to know
If you stopped then why can't you continue?
If you slept then why can't you wake up?
I see your hesitation
How you evade the conversation
Did you fall or were you tripped?
Did you leave or were you chased away?
I need to know
Were you always like this or were you made?

I am the longing
For the long awaited hug
At an airport
I am the colours of the rainbow
From which you can't choose your favourite
Indecisive
I am a mind which wanders with the clouds
The hum of a lyric you can't remember the song
I am the silence in the loud
Blended behind the scenes
I am the good intentions
Sewn together with flaws
I am a losing battle
A one man army
A human controversy
I am something that can't be seen
Feelings that can't be explained
I am a person in control
Of something that can't be controlled
I am the contradiction
In that sentence
I am the mindless doodle on a paper
The habit of a lifetime
Too unconscious to quit
I am the blanket on my couch
The curtains on the window
Blocking out the light
I am the salt in the tears
The unanswerable question
I am the product inefficient of life

You'll never know about the light that died within me
After you left
You'll never know how many people tried to light up my future again
But my heart would not catch the fire they tried so hard to set

Sometimes I get
An enchanted hug
From
Butterflies and lightening bugs
Faeries sprinkle their magic dust
And it makes me overcome
With bursting happiness
Lighting up like fireflies
Bouncing on my feet
I flit from you
To her
To him
Wrap my arms around your waist
Squeeze you closer
Hold you tighter
And plant the softest touch of my lips
Against your cheek
I want to make you feel
This miracle
As guardian angels surround us
Laughter pours out
Through the tears in my eyes
And I can't put into words
Or explain why
Just that I feel so alive
I want to share it
Make you feel
This intense feeling
Its magical
Its special
And I want it to infect you
Fill that empty space
You never knew you had
With love as sweet as honey
Positivity that sends your mind spinning
Watch it spark the fibres of your being
Let it stay with you in a secret pocket
Like kangaroos with their young
It will change your world
With added passion
And enthusiasm
Where nothing else matters
And no time existed before
I want to hear
The gasps of wonderment
Tinkering of giggles
That escape from me
In fulfilment
Echo back from you
As we hold each other and
Bask in this glory of
Pure perfection

She learnt from a young age
How to be a genius of sadness
To allow it to come
And let it take it's course
To not fight
Nor run away
But to brave herself
And meet it head on
For there was a blessing in disguise
Could one learn how to heal
If they've never been hurt?
Healed people
Heal people
She took pain and cushioned it within her chest
Then with it she weathered the storm
Although her eyes knew not how to conceal
Her mouth rose to the occasion
So when sadness seeks her out
She makes no excuses
And keeps all its secrets
Her faith was infinite

I don't know what I expected
but it wasn't this
I never thought we would ever
be awkward
uncomfortable silences
forced smiles
a sickening politeness
when we're both dying inside
just say something
tell me once
stop me
and I'll turn around
I'm not that strong
if only you knew
my weakness was you
that day
a stubborn pride got in our way
too proud to be the first to submit
first to let go or forgive
but I was begging you inside
inside I was broken
inside I wept

I loved you more than I hated myself

In another life
I cross the earth to reach you
Your hungry eyes wait to soak me in
To breath in my scent
And hold your baby close once again
My arms would hold you tight
Hands search like plugs against the aches of your aged body
I'd take in the deep trenches in your skin
And see my life in them
The comforting caress of your palm as you take every opportunity to pat my back
Hold my hand
Sit beside me and eat
Talk about my younger days
You'd say I was the coolness of your eyes
And I'd stay
This time for good
In another life
I would cross the earth to reach you

In time

Everything I did for you
I did not expect a thank you
Nor did I hold you to any favours
There was no debt and nothing is owed

The only person you ever owe anything to
Already has everything in His posession
Everything I did was for His sake alone
My Lord

I remember how you claimed to read me like a book
And then left me on the shelf
Forgotten by the person
I could never forget
Slowly quietly
Hiding behind closed doors
I remember
The time I loved you
Quickly frantically burying my tears
In the cloth of my sleeves
I remember
The time I loved you

They told her
It was the unmentionable disease
Lung cancer
Soon she would cease

But she was only nineteen
Never smoked a day in her life
Hated the **** things

So as she lay
With a respiratory mask
Tears rolling down her cheeks
Dwelling on the past

Family surrounded her
But her dad was missing
He was outside with
What he couldn't live without

Inhaling the fumes he lit

They say that we're oppressed
Suffocating behind veils
And wear un-attractive bin bags
Shapeless and nameless

They say we're not allowed to be educated
And assume we can't speak English
That we're slaves to men
And we should forsake the medieval religion

The medieval religion that gave me life
And stopped female child infanticide
The one that treats me equal with no false illusions

The one that says that I should be respected as a person not a body
The one that first gave me rights
To vote and own property

The religion that commands me to seek knowledge and educate
To travel for this duties sake
And allows me to keep my name

Islam says that I should be covered
Like all things rare and special
Pearls and diamonds
You wouldn't flash your jewels for the taking

Nuns are admired for their devotion
And respected for their piety
Also clinging on to their modesty
Our models are Maryam or Mary

Not a cent that I earn has to be spent on anyone but myself
And the best of men in Allah's eyes
Is one who treats me the best

He drifts away
Consumed by new skies
As she lays in bed where boredom lies
Weighing her worth against the empty space
Mind wondering back to when they last embraced
The flame that burned with passion's light,
Now dwindles low, obscured in endless night
Her dreams deferred
Waiting up, her hope begins to fade
In solitude, she finds her heart betrayed
As days march on and change does not show
She wonders if there's any more room to grow
Doubt lingers, heavy on her soul
Reality seeps in and it takes its toll
Sacrifices seem one sided
Together forever becomes undecided
They say patience is golden
Until it all becomes a burden
How long will she live in this trance
How long before she gives herself a new chance?

I tell you
I dont know who I am anymore
I tell you I'm a stranger
Taken over by an imposter
This body doesn't fit into mine
Its hijacked my mind
I tell you
I don't know who is in control
But it's not me
I tell you
I'm scared
Because people can't tell the difference
I tell you things have changed
Even though nothing has
I'm telling you I'm not happy
I haven't been for a long time
I'm longing for a change
For something to arrive
What it is I'm not sure
Just that my bones hurt
And my eyes can't rest
My blood hums in anticipation

I used to think that I would be so good at it
He made my head spin
His fingers traced empires on my back
That refused to collapse long after his touch had gone
Now it all tastes wrong on my tongue
There's something inside me that wants to remain untouched
Every silence is a space of misinterpretations
Infinite imperfect endings
I don't have the stomach to hold dear
Scrunched paper and meaningless words
It doesn't sound right to my ears
I thought love would fill me
Instead it ate away what I had built for myself
We starved each other
Devoured on bodies in the dark
Crammed and indulged
Until all I could feel was the sun burning my skin
The purge lasted for days
We ejected cold
And discharged the fates we didn't try hard enough to hold
It bled into weeks of damage
Until our memories wept
And our bodies healed
Waiting for either of us to acknowledge
That we were better as strangers

Nothing sung in the covers of the night
Has made it out alive
There is no such thing as lying awake in peace
I think of how
I can be written into the lines of your palms
And that the sound of forever could be your voice
I think of putting my breath in another's body
Of trusting my name in his mouth
I think of being careful with you
Of doing everything right
So that we can see just how many heavens
Were made for us

Life hath no hurt
Like the ache of longing
A single person is missing
And the whole world is empty
The wind whispers your name
Even in my drowsiness
I grieve the loss of another day
Darling I miss you
My suffering is plenty
There is no middle ground between heaven or hell
Yet still I swing between the two
Crawling in the shadows
Waiting waiting waiting
In the absence of your voice
Patient grows impatient
I remember the goodness of your heart
And the purity of your soul
Then all the times you filled me
With emptyness
And starved me of your presence
Then showed me a smile
And made all my summers come at once
I miss the warmness of your hands
And the weight of your arms
The scent of your skin
And the way you kiss my palms
I wonder when will be the last time
That we'll depart
Knowing the next time we reunite
We'll stay together forever

When was the last time 
A smile graced those lips
When did you ever laugh too much
As tears streamed down your face
And a stitch pained your sides 
Bending forwards clutching your stomach
Until you toppled over 
Rolled on the floor 
And then begged to stop

It's been too long
I can't remember 
The last time I let go
The child within has been lost 
Amongst professionalism and conduct 
Always being appropriate
I think I grew up

What about the last time 
You went a whole day without
Looking in the mirror 
Priming that hair to perfection 
Painting on enhancements 
Wondering if those clothes
Make you look fat
And if these accessories matched 

It's been too long
I can't remember 
The last time I let go
The child within has been lost 
Amongst self-esteem and confidence 
Every impression seems to count
I think I grew up

You're just not my person
And I don't mean opposites attract
You grate on my nerves
And I wish I could change that.

You're just not my person
And there's nothing wrong with that
You do things you're way
But I won't be you're doormat.

Sometimes I think
If you could tear open my chest
I'd be ashamed to know
You'd see the darkness of my heart
There's been a lot said and done
It's flourished inside me as black as tar
My brain has picked them up
And rotted away
It's grown mould over the incidents
And I've gotten carried away
In the hatred I've harboured
The interpretations led me on
I've become sad and miserable
And even when you tried to be good
Being around you became unbearable
I was depressed and paranoid
This person I've become
I've always wanted to avoid
Slowly I'm trying
To wash away the dirt
Forget what happened
Stop crying
And smile and thank you
To compliment you when I can
I'm trying to be the better person
That's my plan

You're so wrong and right and good at the same time mixed with an equal amount of bad
It's like you're the scar without the memory of how I got it 
The unfinished conversations
a to be continued story
because if it's not a happy ending
then how can it be over 
So I'll let you find me
drain me
and weigh me down
I'll cry myself to sleep almost every single night 
then adjust my eyes to the light 
if it shines my way 
or maybe it could blind me 
I don't mind either way
because love is there somewhere
tough 
but it's there all the same

I want you
And I know for now
You are nothing more than a dream
A spirit
An idea
I gift myself the imagination of our future
You are the letters that become this poem
And I throw all the dictionaries in a fire and name you my language

Mama I didn't go looking for it
I don't even know how I found it
But in the woods
I came across the kind
The kind of boy you warned me about
Don't ask me how I knew
I just did
When my stomach twisted into knots
And my legs quivered
My eyes didn't look away
I forgot what I went there for
He watched me like I was prey
And I remember you said
That I wouldn't return whole
That I should run and never look back
Mama I knew what I was supposed to do
But you never told me he'd take me with just one look
He was only a boy
A man trying to be a cold, hard statue
But his eyes were ablaze
Call it an illusion if you must
But I swear mama
In his eyes I saw everything
But mama if he was bad would he tell me to go
He did
After that, nothing
But that was enough for me
His fists were closed
Clenched
His mouth straight
Taught
It was I who wanted to hear my name from his lips
It was me who decided to be the archeologist
For the lonely
Torn down
I found that he'd only ever seen talking with fists
Only ever heard anger and hatred
Seen pain that came in waves
I found that he was foreign
To the words that fell like raindrops
Faithless in the silent whispers of a world full of noise
It was I who refused to leave
Even when he didn't pull me close
I became part of him
Apart from him
So don't you ever wander
Why I tried mama
I want to see his lips rise like the sun
I want him to try just one more time
This time I'll be there
Like a boat
Like a vine

I wish I could hold us both together
For as long as it takes
Whatever the weather
Through every endeavour
As your foundations shake
My arms ache
Like joints in our bridge
And heavy though they may be
It makes me happy to see
That you're still here with me
My feet firmly implanted
I am your shock absorber
Won't let you fly away
And disappear
Get crushed to the ground
Or lose yourself
As tornado winds swirl around
Let me repay the favour
Of a life you saved
I remember those rebellious days
Hell bent on self destruction
And there you were
Carefully constructing
Putting me back in place
Anchoring me down
As everything became a mess
I don't think you ever understood
The importance
Of what you did for me
You saved me from
Deliberate mistakes
I wanted to make
A revenge that would
Only bring my own end
So I want to be there
Forever and always
To pay back the repair
You did
As I despaired
Against all odds
Somehow I turned out right
From a generation of wrongs
You don't know this
Or maybe you do
Maybe you don't believe it
But it was you

I'm a thousand miles away
In a country green and bright
But the paths of my mind
Take me back to our streets
Time to time
I kept in touch with many
And I know all the news
I've heard the post office was painted
And Ahmed has retired
His son has accepted his fate
And works in his father's butchers
I heard Saleh's chickens were eaten
The wolf came through the gate
I know Hannan still begs outside the markets
And Ali still sings as he drives his bus
Bilal married Arwa in August
And the caterers caused a fuss
I know that Hamsa street was freshly paved in June
From this country
I miss the clear sight of the moon
I still have many questions
And I long to visit home
Do the police still pick on the poor?
Does Fatima still send lunch to the neighbours every Friday noon?
Do you still struggle to sleep at night?
Does the future still plague your thoughts?
Have you left home in the early hours of the morning
And fallen asleep on the beach with anyone else?
Did you take another to Juju gardens then park on sunset drive?
When they gossiped about me at Khalti's cafe
Did you put a stop to the rumours or let me take all the blame?
I know the ways of our people
The woman is always put to shame
I'm in a land so green and bright
Here everyone is so welcoming and kind
But the stars look so dim at night
And I miss the dusty heat of our country
And it's people too
But more than anything
I miss you

This time
I won't speak enough for the both of us
I'll snap my gaze away from the deep ocean of your eyes
I'll no longer fill mine with their waters
So what if you're no longer mine
I'll never regret when you were

Take me to a place where only you know exists and touch me without using your hands. Tell me about the absence your eyes speak of, so loud I can't hear myself. Create something out of me, carve me as beautiful as your words. Make me lose myself in a way I'm not lost, like the way the sun is at its most glorious moment even as it leaves. Broken dreams and soulless kisses, sins so many you've been sold to the devil. Tell me how they left, some died and some just went. I'll collect your pieces like souvenirs, all broken parts of an angel. Something about the way I can feel secrets beating in your chest. Vacant eyes that ask for permission to die, to leave and let live, let you go to meet your peace. You hold an ache that doesn't want to be healed. It reminds you of where you've been and the reality of life's ***** tricks. She left her love letters in the marks on your skin. We're made of mistakes and regrets and lies we'd whisper all over again. I claim your brokenness that completes mine. You say you're not good, well then your bad compliments my wrongs. And even if we never do anything right, I want to be, just be, in your presence.

I want to tell you I'm changing
I don't like it
But it's happening
And I can't control it
I want to tell you that it feels like danger
It feels like a storm brewing inside my guts
My instinct to flee is going wild
But how do I run away from myself?

I kind of wish we argued
I wish that you were angry
That we stopped talking for days
On and off until we stopped for good
At least that way I would know what went wrong
At least that way I might have expected it
There's something about the sudden way you cut me off
That makes my heart not want to accept it