She knelt down
And whispered her secrets into the earth
A prayer captured in her palms
And blown into the wind
To be heard in the heavens

The sky remembers Palestine
It remembers the bread and cheese
The morning call to prayer
The orchards of olive trees
The Earth remembers
Deep roots older than the sea
Wounds that taste like lovers
Litter the soil
The wind remembers
Free Palestine
The song carries over checkpoints
And reminds the flowers
Where they come from

I heaved forward
Without any desire to look back
But I was yet to learn
That sounds could drift across a space
Like fire
And alight all the memories I'd hidden in the darkest corners of my mind
That hearing fireworks
And the cheer of a crowd
Could remind me of the black sky
Covering streets
Which looked like ruptured veins
And that some perfumes
Are like mines planted in our bodies
And a spray could blow up all the essence of people
I'd tried so hard to remember
That it would drag me to a past I wanted to stay in
And make me ache all over again

You fell in love 
With a charade 
Even her honesty was fake 
And everything else she said was a lie 

You fell in love 
With someone who said they don't care
She said she couldn't care less 
But really that's all she ever did 

You fell in love
With a laugh and a smile 
A carefree style
But she's the saddest person you ever met in your life 

You fell in love 
With someone who talks until her mouth is dry 
A chatter-box you find amusing
But she just hates being lonely

You fell in love
With someone who hides things well
Puts on a brave face
And tears herself up to keep everyone else whole 

You fell in love with a
Genuine liar

She gave up before she lost
And entered a race
Against her conscience
Because the prize she sought after
Was not anything this world could offer

God left
And the silence is a trembling hush
This was not the peace I asked for
But He doesn't reply
There's a quiet in my heart
It's too quiet
Like a meadow turned graveyard
A fatal abscess
Worship became a map I could not read
And God
Well he was in my heart
And he's still in me somewhere
I carry him
Like the taste of prayer
Which hangs off my tongue like passion fruit
I desire to suffocate my longing for temporary things
I want to starve how human I've become
Busy in the clicking, sleeping in the day
French painting my nails highlighting all ten useless moons
Forgive me Lord
I have misplaced my hunger for heaven
Forgive me my Lord
I remember you taught us that hunger was a gift that sweetens the meal
I have starved myself of your angels
And I'm wanting to break my fast
Let me plummet but not drown
Let me propel and soar but not be breathless
Let me worship
And God please find me
Catch my prayers and let me feel like I've been found again
Show me I was wrong to leave but You never did

He says our religion is the same
But I am not what he is
He claims I don't have much knowledge
But I know he does not practice what he preaches
He shows me scriptures and Qur'an verses
To prove his point
He doesn't show me the ones about love
Forgiveness
And being a good person
No
He tells me about punishment and death
About the hellfire that is licking at my heels
He points to me and
Tells me of a God I have not known
This God sounds strict
Unmerciful
Oppressive
He condemns me
Extradites me out of the fold
But I am not scared
I am sure
If Islam is what he is
Then I don't want to be apart of it

Like a leaf blowing back and forth in the wind,
With no sense of direction
Bashed around,
Flattened, squashed and bruised,

Softly floating down,
Resting on a pavement
A moment of peace
Stillness

Only to be picked up again,
Un torn
Lifted high off the ground
Going with the flow
To take life again.

Plasters a smile on her face
And paints her cheeks
A rosy tint
Lips a candy gloss treat

Sleek black lined eyes
And cat like flicks at the tips
Keeps herself maintained
That chick has some curvy hips

Bouncy shine to her hair
She gives you a pearly smile
Lures you in
You can't help but follow behind

The accessory on your arm
Dream girl of your teens
Spokes girl of ecstacy
The right amount of tease

Hard to please
Paper chaser
Home breaker
Fake lover
Game player
Breaks your heart and leaves ya

Sat in a room full of leaves
On the verge of something terrible
I can feel my blue fingertips
And grazed knees
Time is pulling me unwillingly
My neck cramps from looking over my shoulder
I'm crying cider tears
I dream the sun remembers my name and comes to eat me
I've never wanted so little and so much in my life
Moss is growing over my starved soul
I look out the window to the traitorous earth
Howl at the moon that's in its prime
My heart folds
Not like gentle origami
It's scrunched
It feels like ripping the scabs off before I'm done healing
Eventually I'll slump into the wind
Even though it only speaks of bad things coming

Its a free house
My parents have gone
Out for the day
Leaving me to my own devices

An entire house in which to play
So I open all the doors
And turn the music to full blast
Slide down the hallway in my socks

Doing the moon walk as I go past
Air guitar
And chugging juice straight from the carton
Eating my cereal in a cup

I'll make sandwiches with crisps
And munch with my mouth open
Jump on my bed
And laugh out loud

Spin round and round
Sneak into my brothers room
And steal back all the stuff
He stole from me

Spend the day in my pyjamas
Hours on the phone
Spray momma's expensive perfume
On my going out clothes

Hide all the chocolate biscuits
Order take-out
And settle down to a good movie
Its been a good day

Good is good enough 
It means there is room for improvement
And when is there not
Perfection does not exist 

But good is good enough 
If you are not below average 
It's a breathable space to be 
Standing comfortably away from the edge

Good is good enough 
Where you could be happy
Yet still want more 
Complain yet still be grateful

Good is good enough
When it's not the be all and end all

Good is good enough

There are always some questions that you wish no one would ever ask you,
because you feel
guilt or shame
or just something else altogether that you can’t explain.

That realisation of hidden pain,
Nosy prying tongues with nothing to gain.
What, where, when, why, who?
I heard...Is it true?

You crave privacy,
For people to mind their own,
But it doesn't matter
Mouths will always chatter.

Soft lingering notes
Of an instrument
Set the scene
And poured the atmosphere
With an intensity
That flowed in the rhythm of the pumping motion of my blood
And I wondered if somewhere in the back of my mind
I was making up the unrealistic static in the air
Because I was having a moment that would never be considered likely
Black hat tipped as the tassels swung back and forth
I braced the longest walk up the shortest flight of stairs
And it felt like
I was a river gushing down the mountain
Sweeping towards the sea
To join the tide
As we strode forth
With pride
Heads held high
A mechanical motion
With directed synchronisation
Each in our own glory
A moment of royalty
The letters sunk into paper
Bachelor of Arts
Combined Honours Degree
But as the bright lights blinded my eyes
I could not help but realise
I had reached a destination
From where the journey would begin once again
That I had climbed a ladder
And the rungs got higher
Just as I finally reached the spectacular view at the peak
I was left at a cliff hanger

It was my heart
My heart betrayed me
Tugged me towards her path
To indulge in fantasy
Bring us to the edge
Of glory and shame
A sinners punishment
To live and burn bright, alive
Then die every dawn
In a cold hell
Alone within sheets that quickly lose a lovers warmth

The greedy dig their own grave with their teeth
Torso and cheek into the mud
Until there's nothing more than blood
And alabaster bone fragments
They don't want anything that can be given or taken
It has to be found
The greedy seek to lay claim
In public
And own in private
The greedy aren't needy
They want
And that's all that matters

Like a fly trapped inside
Thwacking against a closed window
I'll try again just in case
Because I'm hoping it will be worth trying for
Numerous times thumping and sliding to the floor
That one in a trillion chance
Where this could be the gamble
And I would win
On the outside looking in
At closed doors
Or on the inside looking out
Open windows
Either way the grass
It always looks greener
From the lens of deception
Let's swap places
And reverse intentions

Is this what it is like to be grown?
What is meant by stand on your own two feet?

I am there now,
Grown
My head hangs in defeat.
It is exactly how you described it,
A life of burdens and responsibilities.

A life of financial worries where I have been entered into a race without consent,
To own possessions, have things to my name.
A standard to be met, a category to fill.
This is where I am told I should be, what I should want.
Then what is this feeling of discontent?

Labels attached to my title,
My style is overtaken by dull colour,
My hobbies buried under paperwork,
My weekends spent planning ahead,
My social life cautiously tread.

A house to be brought,
A spouse to be sought,
Educational loans to be paid,
In my nightmares to be relayed.

Is this what it is like to be grown?
To grow up, show up, work up,

Break up.

No
I don't feel comfortable around you no more
The thought of meeting you no longer brings excitement
But dread
Of how am I going to fill in the gaps
And look like I'm interested
It's strange
But surely I've been blind
To the hint of jealousy in your voice
It's always been there
Yet I'm only just starting to notice
There is a tremor of comparison and rivalry in all that you speak
I'm starting to find I don't care how you've been
The words that dreamt big
And once captured me
Have been swallowed by the bigger lies you tell you and I
And perhaps just maybe
The closeness I felt
Was an attachment out of habit
It could be that we never really hit it off at all
Because now I see inconvenience
And time and distance
And all other separating factors
That shouldn't even be an issue

A slave to instinct
She does not speak
A beast that stabs daggers to your heart
She can make your whispers sound like screams
Give pain without leaving a scar
You'll only ever feel half full of her desire
Craving the other half of need
You'll become a half empty kind of person
Only living half a life
Of a one sided love

He feels like oppression
But protection
Commitment
Yet addiction

And she's half way to crazy in love
With a foot still in cautious
From the first person she wants
To not wanting to be dependent

He's trusting
But jealous
Loving
Yet uncompromising

And she's a non-swimmer
Wanting to skinny dip in the ocean
Hell bent on all or nothing

I walked all day and all night
To arrive in a foreign land
Only to cry at the closed doors of hope
I lay in the bed of the poor
Most people dream of a future
But my dreams are mostly memories
Surrounded by a sea of strangers
I dream of familiar faces I used to know
My barber Hassan
He didn't know the meaning of small talk
When I sat in his chair
Along with cutting my hair
He would sweep away the gripes of daily grind
My neighbour
Auntie Faatimah
Visits me often during my sleep
She's always sat at our dining table
In her flamboyant dress
Her scent
Floral and sweet
Would surround the air like an everlasting hug long after she'd squeezed me in her arms
"Ali, What do you think of Halwah?"
Mother and her share a knowing glance
And that's where it always ends
What does it matter what I think anymore?
I think of her
And that's all that we'll ever be
A thought
Not even destined to be buried beneath the same dirt

Hayat
She is my daydreamer
The girl that wandered far but never away
Closed her eyes and relaxed her body
"I'm so happy" she would whisper
An utterance that would appreciate the moment
Hayat
She taught me to breathe consciously
To find peace within me
I learned to be content with the sky
And it's moods
Because of Hayat
I waited for time
Hayaat
She taught me how to smile
How to loosen my shoulders
And put a skip in my steps
When it felt like things are going wrong
My life, her forehead would touch my back
She would splay her fingers across my lungs
Bir nefes yeter
She would say
One breath is enough
Yavaşça
Slowly
Yavaşça
Life taught me how to live

She stood staring at the turquoise blue water
The sight for healing hearts
A few feet shy of the doors to heaven
Father said that when the doors to heaven open
A warm soft breeze passes you
Washing away all the pain
Eternal peace and prosperity is returned to your soul
And as you walk through the gardens of Eden
Through the meadow
You'll see your family waiting for you
Ready to embrace you
She took a step, then a few more
Daring to dream of meeting her heart's longing

You make the air stand still
When your fingertips trace my veins
The way you feel my heartbeat through your lips
I would scatter myself like dust beneath your feet

People can change
And it's not that I don't trust you
I just know what you're capable of
My heart closes it's eyes and follows you blindly
But my brain keeps on the calculation function

A guilty conscious
Eats away
Little by little
Nibbling on my brain

Now I know
What they mean
When they say
You have to live with what you've done

But I'm not living
The ground should open
And swallow me whole
Along with my pain

I made excuses
And dragged it out
Defended and refuted
But kept it secret all the same

Because my heart knew
What my brain did not
And the greatest confusion
Was the disagreement between the two

Left helpless by my inability to help you,
What good
is talking about something that's on your mind,
What good
is me providing an ear,
Shedding with you a useless tear,

Your words ignite anger,
and together we burn in a crazy hatred filled blaze.
High on hurt and intolerable pain,
Lusting on scenarios to exact our blood, thirsty,
unrealistic revenge.

What we'd do if we had the means,
If you had the money to escape,
And could write your own fate,
You problems would abate.

Hearing your sobs turn dry,
Shaking, left shattered, broken and weak.
The cycle begins once again,
You pick yourself up and leave,
Unable to turn the other cheek.

Till next time then,
so farewell,
It kills me knowing that when it comes around,
I'll be with you reliving this cruel truth,
But alas together we'll hopelessly plod through.

As you return to your prison,
Problems unresolved,
I sit with a heavy heart,
Fearing your safety,
Saddest of all; not from all the problems,
But the dread of what will happen if you lost yourself.

Sometimes
I catch you
Thinking of her
I know it's her
Because of the way you
Lean your head back
And close your eyes
The barest hint of a smile
As though the air
Lingers with a fragrance
You remember
A song catapults
You into memories
I was not apart of
Like in a trance
You reach out to trace your lips
That is the calmest
I have ever seen you
She was good for you
I can tell
Her success was your happiness
And yours is mine
And sometimes
Would you believe it if I said
I wish you still had her
Because you were better together
Than this companionship of ours

Red was not the colour of the water
But pain was something we were used to
It was the way it was
And we didn't question it
Because that was all we ever knew
The day you died because you wanted to
I found my way to God
Every question that I had was a grave I could not dig
Imagine choosing
To go to the other side
Not knowing what awaited you
Just that it was not here
Resilience itself is such a terrible thing to celebrate
And patience is a fraudulent art to praise
We look past the people who rest in pretense
But die every dawn
Yet they're the ones we mourn
What good is knowing a person's pain
And letting it sift through your fingers
Like soft, precious sand
Instead of sharp stabbing shards
Until there is no more weakness
In unhinging
And picking yourself apart
Could you give yourself away
Without losing a part of you?
And if that person dies
A part of you does too
So perhaps some of you is already on the other side
And when there's more of you over there
Than here
You just want to go too

Come and meet the *****
The one who watched her mother's skin painted in every shade of the galaxy
Meet the **** who was reminded she was a mistake ever since her existence
She handed her entire soul on a platter to the first person who showed interest
She knew she lost the game as soon as he caused her pain
There's no way she could get lower
He took advantage
Seen her damaged
Didn't think it would make much difference
So she took her name and owned it
The ******* rogue
She doesn't need anyone else
She sold her body in the parts she was reduced to
To keep her whole

I found her
Somewhere between the hello and goodbye
Her heart was in the liquid sunsets
Melted
Staring at the clouds
Face to the wind
It carried the scent of rust
The copper of a wound
But
She smiled
And it made me gasp
She was not ashamed of the wars she had faught
To save herself
I didn't ask about the scars
Much later
She would tell me the stories behind them
Of the ones she was given
And the ones she created
Born of guilt
To atone for sins that were not hers
The entire time
My ears heard only the question in her tone
Would you stay?
Would you love me anyway?
Sometimes she likes to look at me
As if her eyes are scanning a photograph
And sometimes she holds me in a way that shows me she wants this
With scared hands
It's enough that
When my skin touches hers
She no longer recoils
Most often
She likes solitude
The peace of being alone
I see the way she unhangs the burden of pretense
And slips into the silence
For days at a time
I know that I cannot belong if I am afraid of staying
You cannot fly if you are afraid of falling
So I gave myself to her
Long before I thought I had a choice
To take in pieces or whole
But what did it matter
I am hers
Hers
In a way no one else ever was
Hers
In a world where she didn't fit in
And I'd like to think that she is mine
Even though I know she never could be

He would tell you that he can't sing very well
But he sings in me
He makes my emotions dance to an orchestra he directs
He would tell you he can't reach the moon
But he kisses me in a way that would make the stars fall at my feet

He said he loved her with every ounce of his unworthy soul
His heart for all it was worth
Wrenched right out of his chest
And laid at the diamonds beneath her soles
He didn't know how to treat her the way she deserved
He put her on a pedestal
A platform he created with his words
He carved her love from the burning wax of his devotion
Watched her draw hearts in the condensation on the window
He longed to reach out and take her dreams
Arrange them in order
Then perhaps write in his own
She lived in the light of his affection
Her skin was tired of his touch
But it's okay, it's okay
It's cute and poetic
She's a flower he waters
His sun blinds her
Her heart is an animal
It knows not what it wants
Better to be trapped in its cage
That to flee his grasp
And long for another cage to hold it down

You made me a drunkard
One who is intoxicated
By your gaze
My life is my love
My love is you
Your happiness
Is married to mine
Your smile is held
In my eyes
A devout believer
With not a moments rest
Memories of you
Pilgrimage my mind
Everything that is
Instantly became yours
Thud thud thud
My heart beats
In your chest
Take care
Hold it safe
It holds my breath
In a stubborn way
That would drown
In the name
Of my beloved

It kills me
Everytime you impose
Behind religious propositions
On interpretations you suppose

Take advantage of out of context quotes
And put on that holy pretext
Justify your poison
It kills me
When you give them a reason

Without you here tonight
No one else qualified
As enjoyable company
Your funeral was a low-key affair
You wasn't there
And even the clock stood still
As though you were it's second battery
How could it work without you
Death has the power to make even the most damaged person look peaceful
And that's when I realised
For someone like you
Only death could bring peace
You were always out of place
It will finally put your demons to rest
So rest happy
I know
You're finally home

My home is Brittania
Sarcastic comedy
Eating crumpets and biscuits
Dunking them in the Earl Grey tea

Home is in Pakistan
Across the lush rural fields
Where the day breaks
To a rooster crowing

My home is in Turkey
Near the turquoise sea
In the cobbled old town
Full of culture and history

Home is in America
In land and in liberty
Where everything goes
The good, the bad and the ugly

My home is in Morocco
In the colourful bazaars
The dessert land
A stark divide between wealth and poverty

Home is in Yemen, Iraq and Syria
In the hearts torn by policy
Where they speak the language of tears
And know the taste of hunger

My home is in India
In the classic Bollywood films
The spicy curries
The bright embroidered outfits

My home is in Arabia
In the pilgrimage of unity
The mosque of my prophet
The past, the present and future

My home is the world
The land is one
Humans we are divided
Borders? My God created none

The promised land
Is where the sky is a hue of a shade between orange and pink
Littered with clouds of silken silver
The grass is emerald
And the flowers nod their heads in a waving salute as you walk by
The wind sings in a way that has you closing your eyes
Pausing so you can feel the cool breeze that touches you like a lover who has memorised your skin
There's a soft silent stillness
You are living in the moment
Like the first push on the swings at the local park
Where your father taught you to swing your legs to reach the sky
It's just you
Within reach of the horizon
That holds endless possibilities

The sand in the hourglass falls with a consuming force
A smell of fear lingering in the air
Your frozen gaze urging it to slow down
Yet it has a life of its own
A course that must be fulfilled
You stared hopelessly as a thousand grains
Fell without permission
Until you willed what was about to come
Until you missed home
Until the last of the tiny grains fell
And took you with it
Following like a wilted flower that craved the sun

I always wonder how
with your heartbeat does mine chime
and with you I don't need the sun to shine.

How does a sprinkle of messages from you make my day,
and manage to allay
all fears that threaten to betray.