But do you see me when I'm burning out
When I'm darkened by the shadows cast
And the world drags me down
Do you love me
When I'm full of red hot rage
And hatred licks my heels
As I try not to let it climb up to my chest
Do you hear me when I bite my tongue
And let absence speak
Do you see me
Through their words
Do you see the lies they fling around
Do your eyes recognize the truth
Do your ears hear both sides
Tell me
Does your heart know mine?

I have been built from a mother's sighs
and the blame of being a woman
Moulded by history
And all its broken pieces
I have been taught to carry them all
To feel their weight
And I did
Until I came apart like Jenga blocks
Piece by piece
Then all at once
Until it all was too much to hold
Even then
My tongue was supposed to be a refuge for secrets
I was to fear banishment
And pay heed to omens
Yet I have never wished to inherit anyone but myself
A monster of my own making
Ripping holes in the night
I was born for exile
To die
And be remembered
Not like a ghost on the shelf
But like the tears of the grateful
Like the roots of a plant which was displaced
And still it bloomed over and over again

Stay a little while longer
Won't you please
Dream a little more
My dear for me

Dreams of sunny skies
And blue sea's
Palm tree scenes
Together so free

The wind blowing softly
Caressing my skin
Golden sun kissed tans
Sand between our toes

Dream of better days
Of health
Happiness and
No financial burden

Dream of open land
Green pastures
Small cottages
Life at its simplest

Away from these grand things
Pressures of consumerism
Achievements and competition
Is where we'll find content

Dream of rebellion
Refusal to participate
In the race
Lets just take a leisurely stroll

So dream up a fiction
Far from reality
Where we let go
And just be

In this story
I am in the future I dreamt of
I know that it's a dream and I mustn't wake up
I mustn't waste time with a dream within a dream
This version has been drafted and edited to perfection
I am the master of this ideal creation
The best conjuring of my imagination
The soft touch of wind at twilight
The mountainous range at dawn
The ocean glistening like diamonds in the distance
Fields and valleys as far as my eye can see
Cobbled paths
A cafe along the beach
So many places I could get lost in
But my favourite would always be the cliffs edge
Where the sunrise performs it's majestic show
Until it touches what the moon has paused
And everything comes alive for another day more

Privatised education
Who makes the value judgement
This is the curriculum
One way dictation
Guinea pig nation
Grammar schooled politicians
State school interventions
Exclusion barriers set
For achievement prevention
Protection of the upper class
Speak out and its detention
National competition
Increasing grade inflation
Professionals and academics
Know the agendas
Compromise your ethics
Its in your best interests
And join them in
Reinforcing the system
Double bind situation
So preach equality
But have ability grouping
That will diminish self-esteem
And confidence
De-motivate and you get drop-outs
Disaffected generations
Power dominance
Controlling
And hierachy infestations
Of contradictions
Maths Science and English
That's what they're wanting
Music Art and Drama
And it's not worth it
You won't get a proper job
Value diversity
So you test them all the same
Assignments and exams
Product vs process
Learn for the test
Not for the sake of knowledge

At sunset
We hung our heads
And knelt in the field of faith
Watching the dead go free
Our stories changed with the moon
But I was still a girl
Who cried at night
Waiting to sail a vessel into the night skies
Freedom did not always mean happiness

Kingdoms and empires
Built upon
Bloodied soil
It was death that brought victory
Death that conquered
Freedom that was brought
In exchange for souls
Guns were built by people
Who were spectators of war
The participants
Were civilians
Who were wound forward
By kings of mansions
That were passengers
Who enjoyed the spoils
Of a land that could not be healed

Sometimes its hollow
Confusion seeps from nothing
Emptiness overflows

What do you write when there is so much happening but nothing to say
No letters of an alphabet could come together in the way that they need to
These fingers once created poetry
Pretty and painful
Now there's nothing but a mess all jumbled
Not a word that goes from my brain to my fingers fast enough
Not a thought that stays longer than a fleeting moment
It feels like there's so much there but nothing all the same

Looking back now
Meeting you meant losing you
Loving you came hand in hand with a painful goodbye
And I held it
Pulled it closer
Learned to gently go towards the parting
To love in your departure
Be soft in your absence
Wallow in your memories
Ache for your scent
Loving you meant for a lifetime
Years of us and many more without

She ran with fury at her feet
Like ghouls chase her
Her punches diligent
Sharp words nipped my skin
Her eyes shot daggers
This girl
Was a force to be reckoned with
Sky high walls of indifference
She protected herself like a maximum security prison
But at the bar
I'd seen the silence
Race down her cheeks
I saw the way she pulled her sleeves over her fingers
She hugged me tight
Then turned away like a stranger
Her eyes skimmed over to me
One last time
And I stood alone
Staring after her
Like a devotee in the wine cellar
So I drank
Like a ruined man
A man who set himself on fire
Made an enemy out of everything that was not her
I drowned myself in liquor
Until death came knocking
But even that couldn't pull me away
For she sat in every vein

I had a dream
I'm dying
But it felt like déjà vu
All I can remember thinking was
I've been here before
I've felt this I'm sure
It feels like that time
We said too much
And couldn't take it back
After that nothing was the same
And if felt like dying everyday
When the world became disappointing
And I abandoned it
To disappear in a world inside me
But even death had a heart
And set me free
I woke up

It's like you swore you would never leave my mind
We painted our souls and hung them on empty walls
It's like I planted every future in the rows of your palms
You shone like a star and I fell apart like a comet

If anyone asks don't hide my faults
Tell them I was a liar
Tell them I was selfish
In life, I always stood alone
That I made many promises
But didn't fulfill any
Tell them
If there was ever a war with your name
You'd find me, a coward, in first line of defence

Her insides reflect broken shards
Digging corsets 
And sweetheart neck lines 
Blotches of wrong shades 
Splashed with pink blushes
To mask the pale and pasty 
You would never see the eyes that never sleep
Deep dark ***** depths 
Of a mind constantly thinking 
Secrets she's carrying 
Sick diseases of this world
The shadows call out
And lure her in 
With promises of moments of peace 
That will touch her shell
But never penetrate her soul
Yet still she's sold 
Peace is a longing that never gets old 
Meeting with guilt 
On a dusty road 
She searches the path of amnesia
Through echoing confessions
She never wanted to be told 
She watched them get drunk on tears 
And bathe in justice 
Dancing to the music of her cries 
Watching her turn crazy
And feed herself lies 
On how everything is going to be alright

I have loved you since I couldn't even pronounce your name properly
For every breath I have taken on this earth
Since the moment I left the womb
You have been there
I have existed in your existence
Kinship
Blood ties
When someone asked how we were
Our names came together
Like a compliment
As though we were one person
One name with a hyphen
Me before you
Or you before me
But never alone
We belonged together
But now your name has desserted their lips
I come alone
Abandoned
As if you were never here
It feels like you were a ghost
An imaginary friend
Only the pictures prove otherwise
I want to hear the stories
Of how I followed you around
How you always gave in
When I asked you for anything
But you are trapped in memories behind eyes
That play like a movie
Projecting to every shadowed corner of this house
Sometimes I wake up and forget
I imagine I can hear your voice calling me to come to you
Your things are the same
The way you left them
It is us who have changed

Excuse me a moment
Let me leave your bed

Keep your dreams
From your dark smouldering eyes
I am taking my leave

Putting all my interests at risk
I am taking back my self respect

I long for the green pastures of fables
The shepherd that lead the right way
The children of innocence 
The strangers who felt like friends

But a life of simple living 
Was wept into stone
Highways that lead to sins
Brought evil days 

Lambs were lead astray
Footprints that walked away
In the snow
That turned into a slush of dark grey

Failure
It's such a big word
One you'd try to avoid
If you knew how bad it was

Failure means trying
And good on you for that
Failure means losing
And it hurts so bad

Failure is not something anyone aims for
You never set out to meet
But sometimes it sweeps right in
And knocks you off your feet

Uninvited
Unplanned
You don't expect it
But fear it's presence

Lest it be forever
The defining before and after
There's no going back after this
Once you take that chance, it could really be over

The be all
And end all
Of possibilities you only dreamed of
The one where all the doors could be opened or slammed shut

I'm falling 
Falling and I can't hold on
Don't let me go 
But I'm falling 
And it feels like I'm going to fly
Fly or die falling 
Like when you're in a dream 
And feel a big drop
Worse than standing in the que 
For the coaster
At an amusement park
I'm falling 
But there are no bumps 
Just an endless tunnel
I never get to the bottom

Naturally optimistic
And incredibly resilient
She captures you as a prisoner of infatuation
Her eyes hold promises of things you couldn't handle
Selling you dreams
She keeps telling you things
Once upon a time you looked at her as though she held all the stars in her eyes
And now everything you loved about her gets on your last nerve
The resilience became stubbornness and an unwillingness to compromise or bend at your will
Her mindless talk was just another distraction in your busy life
And that's when she knew
That her deepest darkest fear
Was not spiders or heights
It was you
Who put her on a pedestal
Who made her believe in herself
You who fought against the world for her
Her fear was you falling out of love with everything that made you love her

I believe that fairy tales are just that: fairy tales.
Magic doesn't exist, and of course imagination is just that: imagination.

Something not real, an internalised, idealised creation.
Happy ever afters,
and Prince Charming hero's,
are just a lovers fantasy notions.

But we are there,
You know,
at that stage where Romeo is madly in love with...Rosaline.

Those evil family relations surround us and a wicked stepmother who overrules.
Girls everywhere are obsessed with being the fairest of them all,
Eagerly anticipating a dark and handsome: Mr. Tall.

Waiting on that fairy godmother to appear,
but its already too late because the wolfs already had his dinner,
and a sleeping beauty has yet to be kissed out of her nightmare.

Your love feels like teeth
Like tight hugs
Squeezed ribs
Like a heavy chain around my neck

You unhook my spine
And undo my hips
Unseat my shoulder bones
And realign my lips

Your love is a possessive grip
Purple skin
Falling stars, droopy eyes
A stomach full of butterflies

Maybe this fever is a way of my body praying
Or repenting or cleansing
Or maybe it has clashed with the soul beyond repair
Maybe these aches are accountability to what I put this body through
How I abused its health
And pushed its boundaries
Or maybe it is the birth of death
And my body has begun revolting in fear
Of returning to its creator
All used and broken
Worn and torn
Would he give me a refund and let me try again?
Perhaps when this fever is over
I'll be better

Sometimes there comes a time
When losses are absorbed
And grief becomes you
When you've given everything you've got
And there's nothing left
Not even the will to care
When you received nothing in return
You continued to give because you never learn
And when you rub your eyes
No more are the stars and colours you used to see
It's been a long time since
You bowed your head
Said a prayer
And are still weathering the storm
Now only heavier
Because you've soaked up the rain
And carried a little piece of everyone's secrets
Burdens and shames
You were there when it all went wrong
And now you're barefoot
On a cold winters night
Where the lines between determination
And desperation got blurred
Left craving for something that is everything to hold onto
You are so much more than what other people see
Your strength will not come from lifting weights
But lifting yourself as you fall down
Fighting hell
And wearing it like an armour

I want to fix myself
Gather up the pieces
Work it all out
And solve my problems

Catch these butterflies
And control them
Stand up and face
These fears that constrain me

Ground the nervous shaking
Of this vessel of mine
Cut out the helplessness
And tattoo over the past

Mistakes and regrets
Faults and wrong intents
I've admitted and been shamed
But learnt lessons all the same

No one will ever forget
And forgiveness takes time
So I fell and scarred
My mind and conscious

I want peace
I want a brand new start
To run away and be
The person I aspire in my heart

I fell behind on life
Chasing society as it passed me by
Career and money
Trying to keep up, keep face

Wrong decisions
Blocked paths
Someone else kicked me down
And held my fate in their hands

I needed that job so bad
My desperation was the motivation
The reference never got written
And I never got the chance

I need peace
I want freedom
I chase the life of content
To have no guilt or worries

I got lost
Still stuck finding the way
And a little part of me
Gives up everyday

When you died
It was weeks before the sun shone again
It was as if the sky mourned your loss
It roared in anger
The clouds darkened in respect
I passed through motions
That felt like alternate realities
But nothing felt real
I could still see you on the sofa
In your chair in the garden
Whenever I walked through the front door
I still shouted you a hello
I'd walk through to the kitchen
Then realise you're not there
You're not anywhere
Yet I'd still walk to your bedroom
In a disbelieving trance
Just to check
Just in case
And I'd see your empty bed
Your room still has all your furniture
But it's all an empty space
Everywhere feels empty now
Even the places I've never seen you in
I walk to work
And see a calendar
Months have passed since
I'm still alive
I'm still here
And I'm still walking
Everyone around me is doing just the same
Life
It didn't stop
Nor pause
Time
It carries me forward
Further away from you
My mind
It can no longer picture you properly
My heart
An empty cavity

I asked questions which did not have answers
And befriended those who could not keep relations
I died in his eyes
But swallowed them whole
To live in the refraction
That caught me in them

Someone once wrote
Above their heart
It is forbidden to fall in love
But since when did love
Ask permission
When did it look
For an appropriate
Time and place
But the person was adamant
That even if love should happen
It is forbidden to express it
And if anyone should
Find themselves
In the company of this heart
They must first lower their gaze
And know that
It is forbidden
To speak of the lovers idols

The letters are squeezed up my closing throat
My tongue stumbles around the strange sounds of another's mouth
Lips twist and form shapes in hopes of finding something that fits
I hear unfamiliar sounds
But I should know them
I should know what they are
I am making them
I trip into words
I wish to tie to a sentence
I focus on your eyebrows
How they dance on your forehead
I look for a nod
Until I'm empty of sounds
My head tilts
Ears straining towards your tongue
Catching glimpses of meaning
As my brain whirls in flashbacks
Remembrance echoes softly in signals
I am floating on a raft of words
Surrounded by a strangers

Forever seems so long,
How was I to know
Your forever
would come too soon

That till death do us part
Meant the death of our love
Love suicide or ******
Over my heart it looms

In sickness and in health
Was the sickness of your heart
Split in to
Two different places

He kept coming back to haunt me
No matter how deep I buried him
The world I created in my mind
Belonged neither to the past
Nor the future
But I remember how he marked his territory
Taught me a new language
And learned mine carefully
Each night he made his presence known
And by dawn the discovery continued
As he peeled back the layers
And clambered over the walls
I remember how it felt like
He was always just there
Like a pacman storing away
All the information he came across
Out of all the other people
He collected the most points
The beginning of the end
Was when he wanted more
Pacman became a greedy snake
Overpowering
Overwhelming
Demanding to take up all the space
But he was good
He was ******* great at it
He was always ****** epic
At whatever he put his mind to
And I was mesmerised
Bowled over by his ability
And even now
After all these years
He has managed to stay around
Everytime I think I've forgotten
He lurks in the dark
I remember how he cursed me
Wishing I'd never forget
And wonder if the curse was true
Or I'm wallowing in his prophecy
Perhaps it was mine too

I would be stupid
If I let you hold me down
Not letting go of the past
Burning in bitterness

I'd be naïve
To forgive and forget
Wipe the slate
Then look back in regret

Being wise is
To not forget the way you made me feel
But I'll forgive you
For your mistakes
For the tears that swam in my eyes

If one more chance is what it takes
A possibility of a new day
And even though I hate
The position it will put me in

I will let you in
Or set myself free
And let you go
Part ways and accept its over

I am writing to let you know
A reminder to myself
So that all is not lost
A moment to dwell on the past

In a genetically modified era
Its important that you remember
Gods natural creation
Of beautiful nature

Tomatoes are red
Not purple
And watermelons are round
Not square

Snow used to melt
Not disappear
You may never taste a banana
They may become extinct we fear

Selective breeding
Of Munchkin cats
And Blood Parrot Cichlids
That never existed

Hair extensions
False long lashes
Tans that never saw the sun
And talons of nails

Grass has been replicated
And flowers alike
Islands and rivers
Some man made creations

I want you to stay away
And remember
That nature is organic
Genetic and alive
Its authentic and pure
From its original source

This one's for the nights that turned into mornings
The ones I never thought would arrive
The sunrises which crept in slowly as I drove towards them
And the ones that crashed through my window as I slept through their brilliance
This one's for the painful nights of no sleep
Ones where the fire burned through my veins
When my muscles twitched and my legs spasmed
And the restless nights when ghosts long passed came for a visit
This one is to acknowledge the nights
And take each one as it comes

My prayers for you
Are forever and always
In your time of need or not
They're with you for cold days

I lift my hands
And bow my head
Wish for your success
And that your burdens become less

My creator or yours
We both believe he's ours
May you be forever happy
And good health be on your side

I wish that your needs are fulfilled
That content in your heart resides
And that the love in your life
Never makes you cry

I pray that you never have to be
Dependent on anyone
May never a moment in your life come
Where you feel lonesome

A strong will powered person you shall become
One where the past is what you've learnt from
Strength to endure
And self-belief is what I want for you

Ease from financial stress
All the chances you can get
Prosperity and no less
For you to have your own safety net

Bonds of good friendship
Softness and security
Family ties and kinship
Don't lose faith in humanity

Helplessly prostrated
A head hung in defeat
Heart filled with unspoken requests
Like taboos too scared to be let out into the open
Lest one expects too much
Wishes and desires
Dreams and miracles
All the impossibles
And more than I could deserve
Oh Lord
This life longs to go home
Slowly and painfully weaved destiny
With ditches that were filled in
Bit by bit
Your remembrance like a soft breeze
Caressing soothing
Floating distressed dishevelled
Disappointments away
And really now I see
I believe
In reasons and purpose
And the best You wanted for me
I feel the mercy of thick skin
No more sensitive cry myself to sleep
No shocks or hidden surprises
I've been at my lowest
Now nothing fazes me
Patiently slowly
I feel a drizzle
The rain of light
And I feel myself float towards You
Drown me in Your mercy
Set aflame the desire to seek Your approval
Your Love is an empty kind of full
Everything slips through these fingers like soft silky grains of sand
But I know the desert is mine
And this world offers a life of craving to feel full
But empty is all we really get
I am a free slave of my own submission

I believe my happiness resides elsewhere
Not inside me but waiting to be found
I think it's overseas
Where my heart is being tugged
I can hear the ocean calling
Biting at the edges of my mind
The wind is pulling me south
From the darkness into the light