I could smell your intentions a mile away
That vulnerable look
Eyes gone rogue
Invited me to take part
With a crooked step forward
You spun your story
With a tilt of your lips
Eyes captured mine
My ears captivated by your tale
My lips bound by social contraptions
To not move
Not be rude
Listen to the breakdown
The usual underlying theme
But different all the same
Loneliness
Loss
Then you get to the point
What I like to call the cliff hanger
You want me to hang on
To be the saviour
To lose yourself in me
And yes I can talk to you late night
All night long
But even two strangers will talk to eachother out of loneliness
And even if I can understand you
That's not what you need
Because even two homeless people
Can understand eachothers hunger
But they don't have the ability to feed

Freezing yourself
Is not the only way to live forever
Many people become donors
But I wonder
How many time's can a heart
Be recycled?
Because mine's has had enough to last me several lifetimes
I'll live through the circle of life
And be content to go to my Lord
With the vessel of my soul
In a state he bestowed

Autumn leaves
like peacock feathers
hypnotize and attract
bright and beautiful
colours merged together 
vibrant oranges of summers slowly fading
red warmth of fires fast approaching
pale and pretty green and yellows 
even boring brown adds to the picture
I want to walk under falling leaves 
that look like petals
of a secret flower 
adorning paths
for the wayfairing stranger 
dancing in the wind 
in merry greeting
all to welcome Autumn in

She ran with fury at her feet
Like ghouls chase her
Her punches diligent
Sharp words nipped my skin
Her eyes shot daggers
This girl
Was a force to be reckoned with
Sky high walls of indifference
She protected herself like a maximum security prison
But at the bar
I'd seen the silence
Race down her cheeks
I saw the way she pulled her sleeves over her fingers
She hugged me tight
Then turned away like a stranger
Her eyes skimmed over to me
One last time
And I stood alone
Staring after her
Like a devotee in the wine cellar
So I drank
Like a ruined man
A man who set himself on fire
Made an enemy out of everything that was not her
I drowned myself in liquor
Until death came knocking
But even that couldn't pull me away
For she sat in every vein

She stood in the courtyard
And signed her breath over
To the shadows where her heart now resides
Beneath the stars
Her hopes buried
At the graveyard where she met God
She promised Him coins at the wishing well
And sacrificed all her wealth
Begged for the sake of love
If only He would listen
Life was His to give
But it was snatched before she was willing
Wondering aimlessly down the boulevard
Welcoming the unsympathetic burn of liquor down her oesophagus
Why was she given what was not meant to be hers?
A day of motherhood
Then a lifetime of pain that will never be filled
How can she breath
How can she live
Away from her child
Who turned all that she knew into a stranger

Today was the third time
Someone mistook me for you
I watched as they blushed
In embarrassment
And apologised profusely
But I cannot describe
The sheer joy
I felt within my heart
As they compared me
To the beautiful you
You who always compare
Yourself to me
Want a skin tone like mine
Ask for my skin regime
And buys the same products as me
Your beautiful
You have elegance
And grace
Setting a standard for the rest

It's my word against his
And I have nothing but the way he made me feel
The sleepless nights, anxiety attacks and skin dried out from the wetness of my tears
Is hardly evidence
But the rumours and gossip
That I'm not the only one
Could have been the only thing to save me
Yet no one came forward
To take a stand
And my voice was weaker than the cry our voices could have been together
So I'm just another story for the next girl to hear
I'm just another reason for her voice to be weaker

Meanwhile he gets promotions
And climbs higher up the ladder
It's called social capital
These people know people
Like the ones you grieve to
And forms of complaint go missing as easily as the people
They can and will make you non-existent

Secrets of sins
Concealed within
Festering beneath my skin
Deceit and lies
All your faults I hide
Lips are sealed until I die

I wish you would stop revealing all your secrets for me to contain
I wish you would stop involving me in the shame

And I wonder if the Lord would understand
I wonder if He'd care that in your faults I didn't want to play a hand
I'm afraid I've ****** myself
Through passive acceptance

i. I have died too many deaths that were not mine always saving him.

ii. The best thing about living in a big city was that I could go back to being myself. You would not have to see me on your morning train to work

iii. His accusing finger always found me even when all I had was him.

iv. My tired voice spoke of the cage I was trapped in. Obligatory responsibilities of a relationship.

v. Bury me. I wish you would bury me because a thought of a life without you is unbearable.

vi. Love was meant for beautiful girls with clear skin and a figure that fits snugly into his arms.

vii. That time you waved goodbye as I walked away made me feel like a stranger intruding on a personal moment in your life. I wasn't supposed to be there. I wasn't supposed to be the one. We were not supposed to suspend that time and treasure it always.

viii. But you did it anyways. We created something that cant be erased. Lit the fire of a crazy search ahead.

ix. I want that bury me feeling again. It hurt so bad after it was over but I want that drown me kind of feeling. I want my lighthouse and I want to be the light. I want daydreams and doodles. I want the ache and to not be able to place it. I want a litany of your name to fall from my lips. I want us and nothing else. forever forever forever.

It's like an anxious feeling
That grips you
Where nothing else matters except that moment 
The inability to feel anything else
And your body starts to give up on itself
You forget how to breathe 
Literally 
It's like there is not enough oxygen 
But you're doing all the right motions 
Exhale 
Inhale 
Exhale 
Inhale 
And it speeds up 
Inhale more frequently 
Inhale 
Inhale 
But it's not enough 
Something is not working right 
Inhale!
And then panic sets in 
Why can't you control your own body?
Break out in a cold sweat
The numbness seeps through
Creeps throughout every limb 
Untill you become stiff
Like a corpse
Your chest heaves 
And it's like there is not enough space 
For your heart to expand 
The tunnel of your throat is squeezing tight
And you head is too heavy for your shoulders
White dots blur your vision 
And on one last inhale
It's over

I can feel you near
haunting me
Comparing life
to when you were here,
Memories whisper around
the tomorrows that I fear
What if you've tainted?
Tugged between neither a distant
nor present time...
A recurring painting.
It's a strange feeling
when I'm where
I've wanted to be,
But held back
Just when I'm about to be free.
Where I subconsciously mime,
and constantly reminded
through these habits
left behind
from when you were mine.

Your eyes betray your smile
Trying to put on a brave face
And I can hear the whispering chant in your mind
Slip through those traitorous lips
Blurred words from grief or something else?
He's gone he's dead
The scent of freshly turned soil
Serves a reminder between us
I can see how you are well on your way to a black belt
In self-destruction
If I could
You know I would
But I can't make false promises 
That are broken before they are made
I can't tell white lies 
To bandage your pain
If I could 
I would stop my heart from beating
So yours would beat again
He may have left us
But my life testifies he took you too
You have complete right to this pain
As would any other in your place
But look around
At those who live through you
Those who you lived for too
Life may not ever be complete
Or merry once again
But it will only be bearable 
When you allow the warmth of a hand to be placed in yours

I've lost you
I haven't had you for a while
And on my quest to regain you
I've been given much advice

Just pray
They say
And so I tried
But when I looked, you were nowhere to be found

So I sat in misery
At such disappointment in myself
Shrouded amidst the judgement
And pity alike

Fear him they said
But I had no reason to be guilty
I was just a lost person
Who had lost the peace

I lost you in the dead of the night
Still born for many dawns of days
I passed like a phantom
Through the slipping time

I wish I could call you
And book an appointment
On the weekend
When I'm home

Just know that I am waiting
For a high court order
Signed by the Majesty
To be summoned from the slums

I watched her from afar as she walked to catch up to me
Her arms swinging backwards as she leapt into the air
Her knees came to her chest before she stomped both boots into the puddle in the middle of the yard
A wave of dark sludge flew around her
Splattering her golden locks
And coating the grass in a wet messy slop

She froze only just a moment
Eyes wide and mouth popped open
As if only noticing my observant gaze
Then her laughter rolled out like a hym
Echoing across the grounds
Something so joyous
As sunlight bounced on her face
She was glowing as her mouth opened wide in a gorgeous grin
Back tilted backwards
Her head thrown towards the heavens
Complete abandonment

My inner child tugged within me
Urging me to go and play
To join my Goddess
And drown in her laugh
Away from the shelter my feet stepped into the rain
Driven by her delight
Hesitating only out of fear of driving away all that amusement
My hands craved to be buried in her hair
Kissing her until every broken, beaten crack in her soul was gone

Until the past was wiped from her memory
And she saw herself as pure as the angel in my eyes
My happiness
My joy and pride

I always wonder how
with your heartbeat does mine chime
and with you I don't need the sun to shine.

How does a sprinkle of messages from you make my day,
and manage to allay
all fears that threaten to betray.

No darling its not fear
I stick around because the heart is a bigger trap than your threats

Set free my captive mind
The pen needs no water nor light
It spills the ink of my soul in letters
The blunt lines and dark smudges
Staining my fingertips as I rub to blur it out
Making it look soft and old
A part of the past
I can still see the grooves where the ink ran out
Of when I wrote you for myself
And in a candle lit room
When I tilt the paper
I can make out the laugh in your smile
And see where we hug
So what if it's barely visible
I don't believe in bad omens

He feels like oppression
But protection
Commitment
Yet addiction

And she's half way to crazy in love
With a foot still in cautious
From the first person she wants
To not wanting to be dependent

He's trusting
But jealous
Loving
Yet uncompromising

And she's a non-swimmer
Wanting to skinny dip in the ocean
Hell bent on all or nothing

You left me with a memory
A story I'll never forget
You did me a favour
Gave me a lesson to remember

Lashes jewelled with tears
Days of regrets
Promises that were foreign
Apologies that meant nothing

You left me with low expectations
Not necessarily a bad thing
Used to the abuse
You left me with thick skin

You left me with life skills
And defensive mechanisms
Taking nothing for granted
Always appreciating simple things

You left me stubborn
With unshakeable morals
You left me strong
Able to pick myself up after a fall

I am left thinking the worst of life is over
I've met a bad apple I've met them all
You've left centuries of wise in just a young soul
You left a winner who takes all

The pounding on the door
Hammers in your heart
Each fist thumps to bruise the skin
Clipboard and red knuckles

Official uniform 
Stern face
Walkie talkie at the ready
To radio in his colleagues

He just wants to chat
But only you seem to know that
It will not be over
The sick feeling in your stomach

Rolling as a sixth sense
He starts making a scene
So you can't pretend you never heard it
As quick as a flash

Their eyes catch the twitch in the curtain
Can't hide, can't pretend, can't ignore
It ever happened
Never an action you so despised

As you opened that door
And let the flood in
Bad news
Had found you

You taste like salt
And the brokenness of calm
An unease of the heart
Eyes that close and see
The formation of a new world
A new day different from the day you lived
Of a life merged into mundane days
To a start that has no beginning
Away from the wilderness of pain
Hurtling through time and space
A time to where you look at the sky once again
And the beams of the sun are not just a taunting harsh glare in your face
No more fumbling for aspirins in the cabinet
That no longer exists

I have a choice
between a rock and a hard place
a choice to leave and break a few hearts
or to stay and break mine alone
Become the hatred that eats me up inside

In those moments
I gave you everything I had
Laid my past bare
Everything I had, I shared.

Showed you my imperfect past
Somewhere a part of me hoped
To scare you off.
That you would say "this can't last."
Turn around and walk away
Without looking back.

But you stayed.

So then I told you my hopes and aspirations
Shared my dreams and wishes
Let you in on the imagination
Of my idea of heaven.

Which now includes you.

I'm jealous of the way
You can feel things
Oppressed by anger of how I can't show you I care
And just telling me to be myself
Is not working
When I don't know who I am
Is myself the child he walked away from
Or the one who cried herself to sleep
I didn't like that weak person I used to be
Maybe myself was when I trusted to a fault
And let everyone in
I didn't like that girl either
She forgot herself amongst friends
I wonder if now I am finally myself
But it's just not someone you like
I'm tired of finding myself in clothes that are not mine
At parties I don't fit in

When was the last time 
A smile graced those lips
When did you ever laugh too much
As tears streamed down your face
And a stitch pained your sides 
Bending forwards clutching your stomach
Until you toppled over 
Rolled on the floor 
And then begged to stop

It's been too long
I can't remember 
The last time I let go
The child within has been lost 
Amongst professionalism and conduct 
Always being appropriate
I think I grew up

What about the last time 
You went a whole day without
Looking in the mirror 
Priming that hair to perfection 
Painting on enhancements 
Wondering if those clothes
Make you look fat
And if these accessories matched 

It's been too long
I can't remember 
The last time I let go
The child within has been lost 
Amongst self-esteem and confidence 
Every impression seems to count
I think I grew up

I want to make you fit
In my poems
With perfect rhymes
Short and sweet
But there's nothing poetic about
Haunted eyes
That pierce the soul
Cold and calculating
I could tell
They had seen things
Not meant to be seen
I know I was there
I remember it all too well
So tell me about your past
And I'll tell you about my scars
We'll tell each-other like the future is ours
And make poetry out of silence
Atmospheres that can't be explained
A comfortable presence
That does not need to be over-complicated with words

His voice was deep and low
Very low
I can't paint a voice
But if I could
It would be dark
Midnight blue
Dark
With a hint of light
And an edge of red
The paint would blend like golden honey
Thick, sweet and sticky
With intoxicated headiness I could only imagine what his moans would taste like

You wrote me letters because they were a dying art
And you always tried to save things even the inanimate
Your beauty was in the way you cared
So much so you lost
And left yourself behind
Where your eyes spoke verses in the shadows concealed by smokey lids
But me I saw you retire in front of my eyes
And lingered on the line of sensitive and this is too personal
So I stood just behind the line
A coward with outstretched hands
But my feet stayed frozen
My lips weaved tales of perfect imperfections
Enticing you with a speech of warriors bravery and strength
Found in the centre of a paralysed heart
Is the goodness that was covered but never gone
And I remember walking with you to **** the time
Where adventure found us unplanned
I walked on
But who saved you?
All I know is that you're still superman
You're spiderman
You're batman
You are all those marvel superheroes you love
But I wish you weren't
I wish you were the villain
Who fought for his needs
Not the lone orphan of the world who hides a part of himself
Living as two different people
Helping others but struggling to keep your head above the waves
Who saves you?

She turned to face me
With an intensity so deep in her eyes
Her stare sent serious vibes
Her mouth set in a straight line

I want to move away
Start fresh
Where no one knows me
And I can be who I like

I tried to decipher her need
Her longing to go where she can hide
Was it because she wasn't happy?
With herself or her life?

Does she know the demons she flees
Are hiding inside
What is in the future she sees?
The heaven where she can reside

Running was meant to be FOR something
Never away or from
And I know with some things here
Your job is done

But there's commitments to decades
Or a lifetime
That won't allow you to move
These are the chains that bind

The shackles come with a chain
Which you can rattle or shake
But never will it be easy
There will be links that you can't break

So you either break loose
Lose a leg or an arm
Or you try to make the chain lighter each day
Until you stop feeling the weight

What use
Is missing you like this?
If you don't reside in my heart
What am I to say
Of the hopes I had
The world changed
But you stayed the same
You give me hope and break my heart again
What use
Is torturing me like this?
Cleanse your heart of the evil
You won't find God with vain curses like this
What use
Is mentioning His name to testify your deeds
I explained many times
That your sly tricks won't work here
As our eyes met
Your secrets spilled
What use
Is hiding the truth now?

When on a bright summers day
A sudden chill catches you out
And you pull your clothes around tighter
Shot nerves
Like someone just walked over your grave
Or tried to ****** your soul
Eyes flutter back and forth
Like maybe someone is watching you
Then you shrug as though its paranoia
But the chill seeps into your bones
And like the flash of a camera
Just as you start to ponder
The deep and the meaningful
It's over

People can change
And it's not that I don't trust you
I just know what you're capable of
My heart closes it's eyes and follows you blindly
But my brain keeps on the calculation function

Your eyes
Every time I close mine
I see yours burning into me
Staring helplessly
Silently pleading
Asking the answers to unspoken questions
Its always the why's
I can't answer
You looked like I pulled a gun right to your head
Did you see the look in mine?
A rabbit in the headlights
Anything to avoid having that conversation
Surface pleasantries
Neither of us is feeling
How are you doing
Sorry I'm really busy
I have to go
But both of us knew
It was a lie
I wasn't really sorry
I hope you'll forgive me
It was nice to see you though
Back on your feet
I hope your happy
You should be

I hunger for normality
Just once
Just so I could feel it
Live it

Normal person
With a normal life
In a normal house
With normal people
Doing normal things

To normal people

This may sound boring

But normal to me
Sounds like a safe life
Day in, day out

What I'd do for a normal life

When you've given all you had 
And the world wants more
It's time to hang up the goody two shoes
And feed your soul

A little rebellion could go a long way 
A nod for no and bending the rules
Because it's about time 
You had your say 

When the day ends 
And you've been all worn out 
Don't breakdown and give up
Go for an alternative option 

When your self destructing 
And cursing like nobody's business 
And each day is the mother of bad days 
Just turn around and dare to risk an unknown path

Because you're tired of living alone 
Step up or let go 
Nothing is worth losing your mind over
Find your way home

The darkness of the night swallowed everything whole like a vicious beast
Piles of sorrow pointed accusingly at the sky
Transparent swords clung to the jagged edges of the frosty mountains
Waiting to stab the ground
They stood in line to ice the burn of bombs
As houses spat out the acrid taste of fear through the gaping hole of their walls
The ground trembled in fear of being split
The earth gargled on shades of blood
Your hands frantically clenched and dug
To find what was lost
In it what was perhaps the most beautiful secret about life
That it has to end
Peace will come
In the abyss of the afterlife

I found freedom in prayer
Peace in prostration
And belonging in submission
As my head touched the floor

I found my heart at the mosque
And a lullaby in the recitation of supplications
I found hypocrisy in preachers
And piety in the poor

Sisters that lay in the shadows
To show me light when I fall
Brothers who are protective 
But most of all respectful

I found a unity with strangers
A vision beyond this world
I wanted to see my reflection in
The rivers at the Gardens of Eden

I fell in love with manners
Smitten with worship
Prayer swept me off my feet
Where there is God there is no defeat

There's a rough patch
That's in my way
And I can't see too far ahead
Just that its worse than grey

I don't know what I'm doing
Where I'm going
Or who its all for
I never wanted to be the brightest flame

Or even dreamed of fame
Never wanted the world to know my name
Everything is like a dream
I'm on the outside looking in

No sense or purpose
No aim beyond today
Dis-engaged
And distant

I'm stuck and confused
And don't even know what about
It like I don't know whether I'm coming or going
Useless days and pointless time

No motivation
I'm going to let myself down
Then what will I do with forever
If my life doesn't fly

*What if it doesn't work out like it's supposed to

I've seen people love You madly
I've seen them drowned in light
I've seen them in worship never wanting to lift their head off the ground
Ya Allah
I've seen these very people get lost
They've turned their backs and forgotten your existence
Called it laziness
I see them suffer
I watch them pine
After a love they once held
And let slip through their hands
I've heard of hearts at unease
And life being empty
And of that I am afraid
I'm begging you please
To never let me let you go
And if ever I wonder
Make it easy to find my way back to you
For I have been where they are
And I am afraid of going back

I've seen the tell tale
bite of your lip
Your hands meet one another
Twisting fingers
Eyes quickly squeezed
Tightly shut.
You open them again
This time hardened
Staring up
**** in a breath
Then back at me
Straight in the eye
Lips stretched
Over a gleaming set of teeth
You tilt your head
"I'm fine"

I don't even know
What to say anymore
I don't know
What's the matter
But just know that
I'm going to stick around
And I can't make you tell me
So I'm going to wait
Sooner or later
I wish you would confide in me

I waited for tingles down my spine
Colours to shine
Breath to seize
But all I got was a brain freeze

I waited for your voice to sound like angels
All the so called changes
A smile that would melt glaciers
But all I had was the remainders

Of a life tainted
Once knighted and sainted
By butterflies and stolen kisses
Then slayed and exchanged

She ate him up and went away
So I'll take the betrayed glares
And nightmares
Mistrust and unjust

And hope that one day
Your heart knows the tune
To the melody mine plays
That you're nobody's fool

I can hear you in the silence
With my eyes opened
A nice dark shade of exhaustion
Beneath my eyes

I want to knock on your door
Your absence did not **** me
I want you to see
That you mean nothing to me

I've forgotten the way you spun me
Beneath the pomegranate tree
How much I loved to hear the smile in your voice
Every time we spoke on the phone

I don't remember how your touch made me feel
I can't fool myself with the lies
But still I will try
To trick you with a disguise

Like my soul is not carrying around a corpse
Like my lips don't taste of tears

She greets me with words of complaint. Hours spent retelling a version of conflict. To get off her chest. Believing I can bare or hold that something she offloads, her hearts discontent. A confidante that can halve these problems. To whom she can share these troubles. Someone who could at least listen
If not save her.

I can't

I can't hold this burden of the truth you tell me. I can't be in the know and live for now. All my worries are yours. All these problems that cloud my mind are yours too. I'm not strong enough. I'm not good enough. I don't know what to do. I'm not the person you're looking for. Your words eat away at my being like a poison frothing in my mind. Nothing seems the same. I want to tell you to stop. That I will only be another disappointment. I can't live up to these expectations. She spills her secrets blinded by her pain. Blind enough not to see that they hurt me. That I don't want her to shatter my distorted reality. I want to pretend. I don't want to know. I don't want to listen. I don't want to be told.

*I wish I was strong enough for the both of us