I want to pray with you
Stand in the first row
Shoulder to shoulder
Feet to feet
Listen to the Imam
From the first juz to the last
I want to close my eyes and feel like we're the only people in the world
God and us
With no distance
I pray for you
Your happiness and success
That it is with me
And we're together always

It's my word against his
And I have nothing but the way he made me feel
The sleepless nights, anxiety attacks and skin dried out from the wetness of my tears
Is hardly evidence
But the rumours and gossip
That I'm not the only one
Could have been the only thing to save me
Yet no one came forward
To take a stand
And my voice was weaker than the cry our voices could have been together
So I'm just another story for the next girl to hear
I'm just another reason for her voice to be weaker

Meanwhile he gets promotions
And climbs higher up the ladder
It's called social capital
These people know people
Like the ones you grieve to
And forms of complaint go missing as easily as the people
They can and will make you non-existent

When I chose you
They tried to persuade me with words
Threatened to cut me off
Then told me to *******
And never look back
They stared me in the eye
And said for them I had died
How easy it was for them
To break all ties
As though my heart was not enough
To keep you all in it
They decided that I was not to be shared
It became all or nothing
So I chose you
Made you my whole world
And everything in it

I can feel you near
haunting me
Comparing life
to when you were here,
Memories whisper around
the tomorrows that I fear
What if you've tainted?
Tugged between neither a distant
nor present time...
A recurring painting.
It's a strange feeling
when I'm where
I've wanted to be,
But held back
Just when I'm about to be free.
Where I subconsciously mime,
and constantly reminded
through these habits
left behind
from when you were mine.

The earth it is dry
The lips mute
The eyes blind
Lovers of letters
Words fell on deaf ears
Take out my hand
The heart it is cold
The soul wracks against a ribcage
The one I offered so much freedom to
It is hungry and it weeps
The moisture is clammy on my skin
But my mind protested
I am right
My Lord knows
He know it for sure
He know the insides of my heart are pure
Yes He knows
I dream of the blessed days
To catch up with Him
Eyes closed. Mind numb.
My heart it melts in an inferno only He could create
His month arrives like an operation of the emergency kind
Like a flat field where there's nowhere to hide from the truth
So that a believer may find Him
Even the careless stumble upon His way
My footsteps falter at His doorstep
My head it bows in defeat
I am helpless to my shame
Regretted never taking His name
Every fibre of my being supplicates to the almighty
Fill my mind with a humbleness that is a dying art
Fill my heart with a loyalty so strong it cannot be watered down
My Lord fill my lap with righteousness so I don't leave you empty
As the month it nears to an end
I bid farewell consoling my heart it has been sealed
Praying it sewn tight enough to last longer than before
I look ahead prepared for another test
And just when I start to fail beyond repair
Your month comes around again
Like an operation of the emergency kind
Breathing life into the walking dead
Save me before I am lost for sure
Arrogance it purges on my skin
Pride licks at the edges
I am ugly with sins threatening to swallow me whole
They chew on my balancing scales
Attempting to plunge me overboard
Suicide or ****** I can't tell the difference

Today was the third time
Someone mistook me for you
I watched as they blushed
In embarrassment
And apologised profusely
But I cannot describe
The sheer joy
I felt within my heart
As they compared me
To the beautiful you
You who always compare
Yourself to me
Want a skin tone like mine
Ask for my skin regime
And buys the same products as me
Your beautiful
You have elegance
And grace
Setting a standard for the rest

i.
Every Sunday I lay awake afraid to close my eyes because if I do, tomorrow will arrive.

ii.
I sound mad, erratic, desperate. I am. Dear God I'm always begging him. Help me! With what, I'm not so sure. With everything. Dear God. DEAR GOD. GOD! HELP ME. Help me get through today. Dear God once I begged you to let me be here and you answered. Now I beg you to get me out. I'm gratefully sorry.

iii.
Every morning a panic seizes my heart as I think of the day ahead, laboured breaths yet everything around me is going too fast. I swear the clock skips time. I want it to fly but I need it to stop. There's so much to do and 24 hours are just not enough.

iv.
An email pings my phone and everything freezes. It ruins my entire day. I should never have connected my phone and work emails.

v.
I'm having dinner with my family and all I can think about are the reports I have not yet written. I haven't marked the topic books and I still need to create resources for the maths topic. The line manager wants targets and I need to reply to my colleagues request for organising a buddy system. We're having a review on Thursday that I can't forget to prepare for. I still haven't filled out the outdoor visit forms.

v.
I can feel myself slowly being turned into who I swore I'd never be. I've started doing things every fibre of my being was against. People became percentage scores. All that matters is presentation in books. Forget that you know this child would never do this normally and write it up in the behaviour book. You don't have time to investigate or figure out his problem. He's wasting precious learning time and he needs to meet those targets. Everyone will judge me if he doesn't.

vi.
Once my entire house was painted and it took me over a week to notice. Once I used to read novels, watch movies, cook, workout and write poems. I can't remember the last time I did that. I work every weekend and every evening. I feel guilty when I am free like I'm forgetting a very important thing.

vii.
I'm 23 with the back ache problems of a 60 year old. I'm 23 and its hard to fall asleep. My own sleepwalking wakes me up as I recite my 'to do' list. I'm 23 and I think of giving up at least twice a week. I'm 23 and I miss my family who I live with. I miss myself. I'm 23 and life should not be the living dead.

I've developed a coping strategy. Just shut up and get on with it. Get up and get the job done.

It's all getting done as I become undone.

I am the forgotten Lego piece
The lost jigsaw
The pain when you stub your toe
The child waiting to go home
I am alone and happy
Because there is no one to please
No one to judge
I am free 
I am a wayfairing stranger
The naive traveller 
I am an introvert
A luddite
Born in the wrong era
I am the dreams gone silent
The unnoticed tear
Falling in the pouring rain 
I am the soft breeze 
On a cold foggy evening 
I am the regret of dreams come true 
The possession of what I think I want
Trapped in the be all and end all of needs 
The uncontrollable urge 
To do something I shouldn't 
I am the undiagnosed 
Just under the overflow of crazy

Autumn leaves
like peacock feathers
hypnotize and attract
bright and beautiful
colours merged together 
vibrant oranges of summers slowly fading
red warmth of fires fast approaching
pale and pretty green and yellows 
even boring brown adds to the picture
I want to walk under falling leaves 
that look like petals
of a secret flower 
adorning paths
for the wayfairing stranger 
dancing in the wind 
in merry greeting
all to welcome Autumn in

I always wonder how
with your heartbeat does mine chime
and with you I don't need the sun to shine.

How does a sprinkle of messages from you make my day,
and manage to allay
all fears that threaten to betray.

No darling its not fear
I stick around because the heart is a bigger trap than your threats

Set free my captive mind
The pen needs no water nor light
It spills the ink of my soul in letters
The blunt lines and dark smudges
Staining my fingertips as I rub to blur it out
Making it look soft and old
A part of the past
I can still see the grooves where the ink ran out
Of when I wrote you for myself
And in a candle lit room
When I tilt the paper
I can make out the laugh in your smile
And see where we hug
So what if it's barely visible
I don't believe in bad omens

In those moments
I gave you everything I had
Laid my past bare
Everything I had, I shared.

Showed you my imperfect past
Somewhere a part of me hoped
To scare you off.
That you would say "this can't last."
Turn around and walk away
Without looking back.

But you stayed.

So then I told you my hopes and aspirations
Shared my dreams and wishes
Let you in on the imagination
Of my idea of heaven.

Which now includes you.

He feels like oppression
But protection
Commitment
Yet addiction

And she's half way to crazy in love
With a foot still in cautious
From the first person she wants
To not wanting to be dependent

He's trusting
But jealous
Loving
Yet uncompromising

And she's a non-swimmer
Wanting to skinny dip in the ocean
Hell bent on all or nothing

You left me with a memory
A story I'll never forget
You did me a favour
Gave me a lesson to remember

Lashes jewelled with tears
Days of regrets
Promises that were foreign
Apologies that meant nothing

You left me with low expectations
Not necessarily a bad thing
Used to the abuse
You left me with thick skin

You left me with life skills
And defensive mechanisms
Taking nothing for granted
Always appreciating simple things

You left me stubborn
With unshakeable morals
You left me strong
Able to pick myself up after a fall

I am left thinking the worst of life is over
I've met a bad apple I've met them all
You've left centuries of wise in just a young soul
You left a winner who takes all

i. I have died too many deaths that were not mine always saving him.

ii. The best thing about living in a big city was that I could go back to being myself. You would not have to see me on your morning train to work

iii. His accusing finger always found me even when all I had was him.

iv. My tired voice spoke of the cage I was trapped in. Obligatory responsibilities of a relationship.

v. Bury me. I wish you would bury me because a thought of a life without you is unbearable.

vi. Love was meant for beautiful girls with clear skin and a figure that fits snugly into his arms.

vii. That time you waved goodbye as I walked away made me feel like a stranger intruding on a personal moment in your life. I wasn't supposed to be there. I wasn't supposed to be the one. We were not supposed to suspend that time and treasure it always.

viii. But you did it anyways. We created something that cant be erased. Lit the fire of a crazy search ahead.

ix. I want that bury me feeling again. It hurt so bad after it was over but I want that drown me kind of feeling. I want my lighthouse and I want to be the light. I want daydreams and doodles. I want the ache and to not be able to place it. I want a litany of your name to fall from my lips. I want us and nothing else. forever forever forever.

I'm jealous of the way
You can feel things
Oppressed by anger of how I can't show you I care
And just telling me to be myself
Is not working
When I don't know who I am
Is myself the child he walked away from
Or the one who cried herself to sleep
I didn't like that weak person I used to be
Maybe myself was when I trusted to a fault
And let everyone in
I didn't like that girl either
She forgot herself amongst friends
I wonder if now I am finally myself
But it's just not someone you like
I'm tired of finding myself in clothes that are not mine
At parties I don't fit in

You wrote me letters because they were a dying art
And you always tried to save things even the inanimate
Your beauty was in the way you cared
So much so you lost
And left yourself behind
Where your eyes spoke verses in the shadows concealed by smokey lids
But me I saw you retire in front of my eyes
And lingered on the line of sensitive and this is too personal
So I stood just behind the line
A coward with outstretched hands
But my feet stayed frozen
My lips weaved tales of perfect imperfections
Enticing you with a speech of warriors bravery and strength
Found in the centre of a paralysed heart
Is the goodness that was covered but never gone
And I remember walking with you to **** the time
Where adventure found us unplanned
I walked on
But who saved you?
All I know is that you're still superman
You're spiderman
You're batman
You are all those marvel superheroes you love
But I wish you weren't
I wish you were the villain
Who fought for his needs
Not the lone orphan of the world who hides a part of himself
Living as two different people
Helping others but struggling to keep your head above the waves
Who saves you?

I have a choice
between a rock and a hard place
a choice to leave and break a few hearts
or to stay and break mine alone
Become the hatred that eats me up inside

What use
Is missing you like this?
If you don't reside in my heart
What am I to say
Of the hopes I had
The world changed
But you stayed the same
You give me hope and break my heart again
What use
Is torturing me like this?
Cleanse your heart of the evil
You won't find God with vain curses like this
What use
Is mentioning His name to testify your deeds
I explained many times
That your sly tricks won't work here
As our eyes met
Your secrets spilled
What use
Is hiding the truth now?

When on a bright summers day
A sudden chill catches you out
And you pull your clothes around tighter
Shot nerves
Like someone just walked over your grave
Or tried to ****** your soul
Eyes flutter back and forth
Like maybe someone is watching you
Then you shrug as though its paranoia
But the chill seeps into your bones
And like the flash of a camera
Just as you start to ponder
The deep and the meaningful
It's over

The heart it has no pity on my body
If it had hands it would still reach for you
It aches as I sit in an empty classroom missing you
It aches when I wake up and you're not here
It aches when I come home and you're not here
It aches
It aches
It aches
I loved you even though you were already lost
I loved you and became lost myself
The empty gaping hole stings
And I desperately try to rub away the distress

I watched her from afar as she walked to catch up to me
Her arms swinging backwards as she leapt into the air
Her knees came to her chest before she stomped both boots into the puddle in the middle of the yard
A wave of dark sludge flew around her
Splattering her golden locks
And coating the grass in a wet messy slop

She froze only just a moment
Eyes wide and mouth popped open
As if only noticing my observant gaze
Then her laughter rolled out like a hym
Echoing across the grounds
Something so joyous
As sunlight bounced on her face
She was glowing as her mouth opened wide in a gorgeous grin
Back tilted backwards
Her head thrown towards the heavens
Complete abandonment

My inner child tugged within me
Urging me to go and play
To join my Goddess
And drown in her laugh
Away from the shelter my feet stepped into the rain
Driven by her delight
Hesitating only out of fear of driving away all that amusement
My hands craved to be buried in her hair
Kissing her until every broken, beaten crack in her soul was gone

Until the past was wiped from her memory
And she saw herself as pure as the angel in my eyes
My happiness
My joy and pride

It's like an anxious feeling
That grips you
Where nothing else matters except that moment 
The inability to feel anything else
And your body starts to give up on itself
You forget how to breathe 
Literally 
It's like there is not enough oxygen 
But you're doing all the right motions 
Exhale 
Inhale 
Exhale 
Inhale 
And it speeds up 
Inhale more frequently 
Inhale 
Inhale 
But it's not enough 
Something is not working right 
Inhale!
And then panic sets in 
Why can't you control your own body?
Break out in a cold sweat
The numbness seeps through
Creeps throughout every limb 
Untill you become stiff
Like a corpse
Your chest heaves 
And it's like there is not enough space 
For your heart to expand 
The tunnel of your throat is squeezing tight
And you head is too heavy for your shoulders
White dots blur your vision 
And on one last inhale
It's over

I've lost you
I haven't had you for a while
And on my quest to regain you
I've been given much advice

Just pray
They say
And so I tried
But when I looked, you were nowhere to be found

So I sat in misery
At such disappointment in myself
Shrouded amidst the judgement
And pity alike

Fear him they said
But I had no reason to be guilty
I was just a lost person
Who had lost the peace

I lost you in the dead of the night
Still born for many dawns of days
I passed like a phantom
Through the slipping time

I wish I could call you
And book an appointment
On the weekend
When I'm home

Just know that I am waiting
For a high court order
Signed by the Majesty
To be summoned from the slums

Your eyes
Every time I close mine
I see yours burning into me
Staring helplessly
Silently pleading
Asking the answers to unspoken questions
Its always the why's
I can't answer
You looked like I pulled a gun right to your head
Did you see the look in mine?
A rabbit in the headlights
Anything to avoid having that conversation
Surface pleasantries
Neither of us is feeling
How are you doing
Sorry I'm really busy
I have to go
But both of us knew
It was a lie
I wasn't really sorry
I hope you'll forgive me
It was nice to see you though
Back on your feet
I hope your happy
You should be

Your eyes betray your smile
Trying to put on a brave face
And I can hear the whispering chant in your mind
Slip through those traitorous lips
Blurred words from grief or something else?
He's gone he's dead
The scent of freshly turned soil
Serves a reminder between us
I can see how you are well on your way to a black belt
In self-destruction
If I could
You know I would
But I can't make false promises 
That are broken before they are made
I can't tell white lies 
To bandage your pain
If I could 
I would stop my heart from beating
So yours would beat again
He may have left us
But my life testifies he took you too
You have complete right to this pain
As would any other in your place
But look around
At those who live through you
Those who you lived for too
Life may not ever be complete
Or merry once again
But it will only be bearable 
When you allow the warmth of a hand to be placed in yours

I've seen the tell tale
bite of your lip
Your hands meet one another
Twisting fingers
Eyes quickly squeezed
Tightly shut.
You open them again
This time hardened
Staring up
**** in a breath
Then back at me
Straight in the eye
Lips stretched
Over a gleaming set of teeth
You tilt your head
"I'm fine"

I don't even know
What to say anymore
I don't know
What's the matter
But just know that
I'm going to stick around
And I can't make you tell me
So I'm going to wait
Sooner or later
I wish you would confide in me

When was the last time 
A smile graced those lips
When did you ever laugh too much
As tears streamed down your face
And a stitch pained your sides 
Bending forwards clutching your stomach
Until you toppled over 
Rolled on the floor 
And then begged to stop

It's been too long
I can't remember 
The last time I let go
The child within has been lost 
Amongst professionalism and conduct 
Always being appropriate
I think I grew up

What about the last time 
You went a whole day without
Looking in the mirror 
Priming that hair to perfection 
Painting on enhancements 
Wondering if those clothes
Make you look fat
And if these accessories matched 

It's been too long
I can't remember 
The last time I let go
The child within has been lost 
Amongst self-esteem and confidence 
Every impression seems to count
I think I grew up

His voice was deep and low
Very low
I can't paint a voice
But if I could
It would be dark
Midnight blue
Dark
With a hint of light
And an edge of red
The paint would blend like golden honey
Thick, sweet and sticky
With intoxicated headiness I could only imagine what his moans would taste like

She turned to face me
With an intensity so deep in her eyes
Her stare sent serious vibes
Her mouth set in a straight line

I want to move away
Start fresh
Where no one knows me
And I can be who I like

I tried to decipher her need
Her longing to go where she can hide
Was it because she wasn't happy?
With herself or her life?

Does she know the demons she flees
Are hiding inside
What is in the future she sees?
The heaven where she can reside

Running was meant to be FOR something
Never away or from
And I know with some things here
Your job is done

But there's commitments to decades
Or a lifetime
That won't allow you to move
These are the chains that bind

The shackles come with a chain
Which you can rattle or shake
But never will it be easy
There will be links that you can't break

So you either break loose
Lose a leg or an arm
Or you try to make the chain lighter each day
Until you stop feeling the weight

She greets me with words of complaint. Hours spent retelling a version of conflict. To get off her chest. Believing I can bare or hold that something she offloads, her hearts discontent. A confidante that can halve these problems. To whom she can share these troubles. Someone who could at least listen
If not save her.

I can't

I can't hold this burden of the truth you tell me. I can't be in the know and live for now. All my worries are yours. All these problems that cloud my mind are yours too. I'm not strong enough. I'm not good enough. I don't know what to do. I'm not the person you're looking for. Your words eat away at my being like a poison frothing in my mind. Nothing seems the same. I want to tell you to stop. That I will only be another disappointment. I can't live up to these expectations. She spills her secrets blinded by her pain. Blind enough not to see that they hurt me. That I don't want her to shatter my distorted reality. I want to pretend. I don't want to know. I don't want to listen. I don't want to be told.

*I wish I was strong enough for the both of us

The pounding on the door
Hammers in your heart
Each fist thumps to bruise the skin
Clipboard and red knuckles

Official uniform 
Stern face
Walkie talkie at the ready
To radio in his colleagues

He just wants to chat
But only you seem to know that
It will not be over
The sick feeling in your stomach

Rolling as a sixth sense
He starts making a scene
So you can't pretend you never heard it
As quick as a flash

Their eyes catch the twitch in the curtain
Can't hide, can't pretend, can't ignore
It ever happened
Never an action you so despised

As you opened that door
And let the flood in
Bad news
Had found you

Take me to a place where only you know exists and touch me without using your hands. Tell me about the absence your eyes speak of, so loud I can't hear myself. Create something out of me, carve me as beautiful as your words. Make me lose myself in a way I'm not lost, like the way the sun is at its most glorious moment even as it leaves. Broken dreams and soulless kisses, sins so many you've been sold to the devil. Tell me how they left, some died and some just went. I'll collect your pieces like souvenirs, all broken parts of an angel. Something about the way I can feel secrets beating in your chest. Vacant eyes that ask for permission to die, to leave and let live, let you go to meet your peace. You hold an ache that doesn't want to be healed. It reminds you of where you've been and the reality of life's ***** tricks. She left her love letters in the marks on your skin. We're made of mistakes and regrets and lies we'd whisper all over again. I claim your brokenness that completes mine. You say you're not good, well then your bad compliments my wrongs. And even if we never do anything right, I want to be, just be, in your presence.

What does it feel like
To go grocery shopping
And having to check your budget
Just pick up the cheapest brand

I'd imagine it truly must be
Living on the edge
The fringe of society
Barely making a living

No savings
And expenditure increasing
More out going
Than incoming

Survive for today
We can't plan for tomorrow
God forbid an unexpected
D
  O
     W
         N
            F
            A
            L
            L

She went back
To the mouth of danger
Tempted the fates
Put her sanity at stake

Risk is half the strength
Love is mostly reckless
Second nature habits
Hurt is what you become accustomed to

I've seen people love You madly
I've seen them drowned in light
I've seen them in worship never wanting to lift their head off the ground
Ya Allah
I've seen these very people get lost
They've turned their backs and forgotten your existence
Called it laziness
I see them suffer
I watch them pine
After a love they once held
And let slip through their hands
I've heard of hearts at unease
And life being empty
And of that I am afraid
I'm begging you please
To never let me let you go
And if ever I wonder
Make it easy to find my way back to you
For I have been where they are
And I am afraid of going back

You taste like salt
And the brokenness of calm
An unease of the heart
Eyes that close and see
The formation of a new world
A new day different from the day you lived
Of a life merged into mundane days
To a start that has no beginning
Away from the wilderness of pain
Hurtling through time and space
A time to where you look at the sky once again
And the beams of the sun are not just a taunting harsh glare in your face
No more fumbling for aspirins in the cabinet
That no longer exists

The awkward silence
When that moment froze
And those actions paused
Tension lingered in the air

Eyes met,
And consequences set,

You knew
It shall forever be ingrained,
This memory would be sustained.

People can change
And it's not that I don't trust you
I just know what you're capable of
My heart closes it's eyes and follows you blindly
But my brain keeps on the calculation function

When you've given all you had 
And the world wants more
It's time to hang up the goody two shoes
And feed your soul

A little rebellion could go a long way 
A nod for no and bending the rules
Because it's about time 
You had your say 

When the day ends 
And you've been all worn out 
Don't breakdown and give up
Go for an alternative option 

When your self destructing 
And cursing like nobody's business 
And each day is the mother of bad days 
Just turn around and dare to risk an unknown path

Because you're tired of living alone 
Step up or let go 
Nothing is worth losing your mind over
Find your way home

I waited for tingles down my spine
Colours to shine
Breath to seize
But all I got was a brain freeze

I waited for your voice to sound like angels
All the so called changes
A smile that would melt glaciers
But all I had was the remainders

Of a life tainted
Once knighted and sainted
By butterflies and stolen kisses
Then slayed and exchanged

She ate him up and went away
So I'll take the betrayed glares
And nightmares
Mistrust and unjust

And hope that one day
Your heart knows the tune
To the melody mine plays
That you're nobody's fool

I want to make you fit
In my poems
With perfect rhymes
Short and sweet
But there's nothing poetic about
Haunted eyes
That pierce the soul
Cold and calculating
I could tell
They had seen things
Not meant to be seen
I know I was there
I remember it all too well
So tell me about your past
And I'll tell you about my scars
We'll tell each-other like the future is ours
And make poetry out of silence
Atmospheres that can't be explained
A comfortable presence
That does not need to be over-complicated with words

Without you here tonight
No one else qualified
As enjoyable company
Your funeral was a low-key affair
You wasn't there
And even the clock stood still
As though you were it's second battery
How could it work without you
Death has the power to make even the most damaged person look peaceful
And that's when I realised
For someone like you
Only death could bring peace
You were always out of place
It will finally put your demons to rest
So rest happy
I know
You're finally home