The kind of tired even a coma could not fix
Tired of watching my reflection blink
Waking up very single morning
Tired of being in the same old place

Where nothing ever changes
And your life feels scripted
Tired of waiting
My life is wasting

A worrier
The type that buries thoughts in silence
A warrior by your side
ever since

Those girls that we laughed at
The ones who acted like a ****
Skin caked in make-up
Dipped in powder

Umpa lumpa oranges
And Casper pale whites
Skin tight rags
Creasing into every crevice

All you know is that
He makes you smile
So you want him to stay for a while
But there's a thousand reasons to cry out

This is not a midnight stroll in paris
And I cherish you
So here is what I'll say
Hoping you would understand

I'm a worrier because of his past
And everything is moving too fast
There's a problem
And a lesson to be learnt

This is all you got
And everybody in love thinks its going well
So don't listen to a word I say
But the truth will bury this

Your changing who you are to please him
And he's after who you're not
Its a fun thing
So I'm telling you to leave it

Secret meetings
If its right then why do you have to hide it?
Looks to me like love is blinding
Flipped the switch and now you're riding

High with him
Hell bent on tainting
Turned your back to the past
I can see you changing

A regret in the making
Left you senseless
Not the worth the conversation
Can't you see why I'm anxious?

I don't want you hurting

The promised land
Is where the sky is a hue of a shade between orange and pink
Littered with clouds of silken silver
The grass is emerald
And the flowers nod their heads in a waving salute as you walk by
The wind sings in a way that has you closing your eyes
Pausing so you can feel the cool breeze that touches you like a lover who has memorised your skin
There's a soft silent stillness
You are living in the moment
Like the first push on the swings at the local park
Where your father taught you to swing your legs to reach the sky
It's just you
Within reach of the horizon
That holds endless possibilities

Deep gut wrenching agony
Pulled from the core within me
Its hard. It hurts.
Bursts of pain
Flood over
Into a thousand tears
And there's no sign of it emptying
Automatic refills
I didn't ask for any of it
Where do I withdraw
Back out and tape caution
Do Not Enter
There is no emergency exit
And I'm drowning myself
I guess I'll just wait it out
Till the tears overflow
No more sobbing
Lying curled up on the floor
I'll be forced to sit up
Waist deep
Stand up
Then shoulder length
And I'll be forced to swim
Float in a sea of misery
Beneath me
Until the salty tears
Becomes water that flows
Under the bridge
Giving way to where
The plenty more fishes would swim

I love that you dream out loud
You say things that make everyone laugh at your far fetched fantasies
Yet in conviction you voice your thoughts as though they are in the mailbox coming into reality
I love that you dream and imagine things happening that are not really realistic
I love that you dream them anyway and believe that they'll happen someday

Fajr passed by as I slept on
Zuhr was lost in a day's work
Asr got skipped as I sipped my tea
Maghrib flew by as I photographed the sunset
Isha was added to the forgotten list
And there I lay at night tossing and turning
Wondering why peace escapes me?

Take your loyalty
And take your trust
I don't need it

May you be blessed with
The honour
Of respecting yourself
And being honest
Trust your actions
And be loyal
To what you want

There is no need to lie
No purpose in deception
You hold your own life
In your own hands
As I do mine
Because cheaters are liars
Who live a lie themselves
To cover another lie they created

So whenever temptation comes knocking
Or should you fall at it's feet
Take your loyalty
And your trust
And keep it to hold yourself for yourself

Command power and respect
tighten the noose of your control
Force your presence upon others
Oblivious to your tainted affect
Believe things are in the palm of your hand
For this is what you are falsely granted
A misuse of nature
Of ***

But behind backs
There is mockery, outrage, hatred
Dreams are kept sacred
Plans continue,
Once upon a beginning when the dusk settles the villain is in exile and you find out it was a tactile all along.

If tonight comes
I won't wait for tomorrow
Come
Break me once more
I'll enjoy it
All over again
I was meant to end in your arms

Can you run this by me one more time
I'm still trying to understand
How nation can war against nation
Man fight against man

When did we become enemies
Of a race that is OURS
Was it when we made borders
Or created offensive words

Like third world countries
Where they are less economically developed
And we are proper civilisations
I see power and status with words there are connotations

Who drew the line to pit one another
The haves against the have nots
Shouldn't we draw on the happiness of what we have
Instead of wanting what others have got

Politics taking control
What they are doing is not socially understandable
So how can it be acceptable
When consequences are irrevocable

Leaving out what really matters
Thinking of us instead of everyone else
Taking the making of religion
From a worship of God to a worship of self

No more hospitals
No more schools
Long gone is law and order
What is justice
When there is no humanity

Look around you
All I see is blood that is red
Countries which are destroyed
On both sides of the fence

The blame is never on only one persons head
The problem goes much deeper than that
We'll keep on digging our way straight into hell
Which is soon all that we will have left

She knew love was just a safe place
To fall apart
To trust the hands
That bend you
And see pretty even without the sun's shine
Love was holding you in the dark
And being afraid of happiness
Lest it be taken away for being too much
Love was the realisation of having so much skin
After it became coordinates of every part you touched
Love is the story of how she pleaded with a map
As she measured oceans with the length of her fingers
And moved entire forests that came between you

She sat slumped against the wall
Red knuckles begging to be soaked in salt water
Fingernails seeping red like faded nail varnish
Skin a mesmerising galaxy
Shades of blue
Purple marks
Half moons shadowed beneath her hauntingly piercing eyes
She watched me like she's been here before
Her poker face unsurprised of my presence
Like she was discovered and left to be found again
By someone else
She didn't ask nor beg
Pride or shame
I couldn't tell
The cogs in my mind whirred
It's too late
I could give her a new world
A new start
But I could see in her eyes her world was gone
Her heart was buried deep within the bloodied soil beneath her hands
Her soul was tied to the past
The good and the bad
I could give her food
And clothes
And shelter
But I can't free her mind
From the prison she's been in
I can't chase away the nightmares
It's too late

I lost you
And I'll regret it always
But sometimes when I catch myself thinking of you
I say that if these hands were to ever reach for you again
I'd cut them off
I'm done performing autopsies on conversations from a lifetime ago
I didn't bury you in the past
I expelled you
You don't hide in some corner
No
I polished my heart with all the good
You lost me
And I'll regret it always

Young lady
I wonder if you are aware
And I hope you're inncocent
But in this latest
Fashion craze
Of translucent leggings
Worn as pants
I can see your underwear
Young lady
I wonder if you know
You've taken the make-up
One step too far
And painted yourself
A clown face
Young lady
Those eyelashes
Coated on
Look like
Spider legs
Far too long
And the padding around
Your derriere
Are you wearing a *****
Unbalanced on those
Spikes called heels
So when you topple over
I'm not surprised
My dear
Your hair truly is
Magnificent
A nest perched on your head
Stick out your chest
Like a puffin puffing with pride
A peacock strutting its feathers
Yours are the multi-coloured talons
Fish lips
And a pink tongue hanging out
Just like a dog
Deep breath in
And assets pushed together
Time for a selfie
In the bathroom mirror
Young lady
There was a time
When dresses reached the knees
And camel toes did not exist
Blouses were buttoned
And modesty was dear
Chivalry was alive
And a rosy tinge of blush
Was the sweetest thing
That is all it took for attraction
To blossom

If I could turn back time
Rewind
Make it undone
I swear that I would

Not to right wrongs
Or avoid mistakes
Nor to change or retake
So that I could remake

The past that I chose
Was what I wanted
And I'd choose it all over again
So that I could regain

That crisis that would make me
The friendships that contained
Obstacles I overcame
To make me who I am

These criss cross lines of fate
Upon my hand
Which destined my path to meet
Fallen stars to soften the blow
Of the cruel trials

The decisions that I took
Intertwined
And failed the test of time
Leaving a trail of lessons learnt

I'd go back and relearn
Everything happens for a reason
Now, or later on down the line
Whatever happens is for the best

I'd go back and be at ease
Freely let my worries
Dissolve into the oceans
Where they will amount
To the invisibility of air

I'd go back and see
Relive the signs
That would lead me closer to you
To submit
and surrender to the One above.

*inspired by a friend - fathiya

I am writing to let you know
A reminder to myself
So that all is not lost
A moment to dwell on the past

In a genetically modified era
Its important that you remember
Gods natural creation
Of beautiful nature

Tomatoes are red
Not purple
And watermelons are round
Not square

Snow used to melt
Not disappear
You may never taste a banana
They may become extinct we fear

Selective breeding
Of Munchkin cats
And Blood Parrot Cichlids
That never existed

Hair extensions
False long lashes
Tans that never saw the sun
And talons of nails

Grass has been replicated
And flowers alike
Islands and rivers
Some man made creations

I want you to stay away
And remember
That nature is organic
Genetic and alive
Its authentic and pure
From its original source

In this story
I want to tell you
I'm sick
there's something wrong
I just feel it
my insides hurt with phantom pains
my heart aches like it no longer fits
inside my chest
my body has abandoned its home
these limbs are not mine
they're not under my command
if only you could see
on the inside
the circuit from the heart to the brain is detached
somewhere I can't tell
there's a broken link that must be found and connected
In this story
I am the worst version of myself
Unrecognisably unhappy

You're like a smooth rounded spoon
And I'm a knife with sharpened edges
You're like lego
Easily compatible with other pieces
And I'm the parts each sold separately
That too with batteries not included
You're the elegant
Turquoise, sapphire, terracotta and emerald
I'm just plain old green and blue
Running on fumes
You're full and vibrant of life
And I tarnish everything I touch
Confused and lost
You understand me
More than I understand myself
The way I don't know when to stop
And how I often pass the line of
No turning back
And I push away everyone I've got
Because I hate being needy
I hate being weak
And I don't want to have anything to lose
Yet I put on a facade
A pretty good one at that
And when you believe I want to say goodbye
I believe I can make it as an actress
A lawyer
A politician
But later when I'm by myself
You are all that I seek
And I know that I gave up my right
To ask you how you are
Or to tell you my secrets
But know that
A million time's a day
I almost fall weak and retreat
On the brink of contact
Today I typed up Ramadan Kareem
Even thought that's a week away
But I just wanted something to say
And I know it's not fair
I can feel that I'm the tide that is too high
Sending mixed signals
So I give up
I let you loose
And I tell myself I don't miss you
I don't need you

Would you find God if I told you
He lives in non-believers too
Would you believe me if I said
You are already half way there

When you said it would take a miracle, and it did
Why turn your back 
Put it down to good luck
Than accept it for what it is

You were almost there 
When you said Dear God 
Unconsciously you accepted it
And so it uttered past your lips

Going to Mass
Listening to Biblical stories
You were almost there 
Until you said it was all a myth

Maybe the obvious places are not the best ways to start
If you're searching for God 
Look at the art
And search within your heart

The mechanics of wings
The two seas that won't meet
A little more simple
The functions of a tree

There's something unnaturally magical
Spiritually mystical
Delightfully wonderful
In an enlightened world with the words of God

So which of your Lord's favours do you deny
Remove the veil from your heart and refuse to hide
He is the All Powerful the All Knowing
I only wish for you to receive this blessing

In the vehicle of imagination she travelled the world and beyond
And when life knocked her down
She rolled over and bathed in the light of the stars
She lived in a bubble
And breathed in a child like resilience
Unaware of the troubles she refused to believe in
Luck was embroidered into her back
Adventure became the wings
Her face a picture of naive innocence
She clapped when she was happy
To the tune of laughter
I always thought it was because
It made her feel alive by believing in herself
You know like Tinkerbell the fairy

I am standing in paradise gardens
Where you told me to wait
It took getting soaked in the rain
To realise you only loved me in the sun
You wrote my name in the mud
Whist I etched yours into the trees
I watched my love grow
It took being washed away in the rain to realise your love was temporary
For years I had tasted the artificial flavours of your words
And inhaled the ammonia
Of your aroma
Now I drink only water

Me and Mom
We don't get on
She says right
I say move along

We have different values
Opposing mindsets
With conflicts
But she will always be my safety net

My mom she's protective
And I'm like a hyper bird
Running before I walk
Talking without thinking first

I chase dead ends
Flying down the highway
Trusting the traffic of people
Who've tried and tested

But my mom she knows
Has a special radar
Which glows
An intuition that later shows

That's not for you my child
Your heart won't find ease
Yet still I plead
Mom please

So she keeps firm her hold
At times tugs back
A sharp whiplash
To keep me on track

I remember when she said
I don't quite like
That friend of yours
Mark my words

Not long after
A lesson was to be learnt
That friend ashamed
And let me take the blame

Moms have wisdom
Of paths they didn't choose
A time they never knew
Always thinking the best for you

A slave to instinct
She does not speak
A beast that stabs daggers to your heart
She can make your whispers sound like screams
Give pain without leaving a scar
You'll only ever feel half full of her desire
Craving the other half of need
You'll become a half empty kind of person
Only living half a life
Of a one sided love

This time tomorrow
I'll be looking back on yesterday
Thankful I have woken up
And got through another day

This time next month
I'll be looking back on today
It was 8 months then
Now it's 7 more to go

This time next year
I'll be where I dreamed happy would be
I won't be looking back on yesterday
I'll be in the present

I dreamt a pheonix was rising out of the ashes
I dreamt no smile was too big for your face
I dreamt of being held so tight I couldn't feel my heartbreak
I dreamt of barren trees beneath a hard grey sky
I dreamt that everything I ever lost came back to me
I dreamt of one day missing everything I have right now
I dreamt of all the things I want to be when I give up

This is the story
About when I was murdered
Hysterically unhappy
Stabbed me from behind
Through all the layers of dreams
I hardly felt a thing
Until each one was pierced
And burst slowly
Hissing in silent protest
A part of me seeped away
And I didn't notice it until it was gone
In its place was the most overpowering filling
Of nothingness
A deep aching emptyness
Since then I've been in search
Of arms that would wrap around
Like bandages to cover the hole

Broken like a picture frame 
Discarded like a teabag
I found you alone in the backseat
Taking the long way home around the block

Watching the world drown in the rain
Wondering if you could join
Get lost in the crowd
And pretend you don't exist 

Wake up the next morning 
Like today never happened
Carefree of all the problems 
Piled on your plate 

Ignorance is bliss 
But denial is foolish 
If you chip away at a mountain 
Your bound to make a dent

The seventy fourth time I believed you
I finally realised I should probably stop
And within a millisecond I knew I always would
I always thought people could change
And because you changed everything about who I used to be
I knew I would always believe you
Because that's the only part of myself I still have
It's the part I'm still waiting for you to change

There's a storm brewing
And don't we know it
The atmosphere's tense
But no one shows it

Hiding behind netted windows
Lights switched off
Watching them go at each other
All revved up to take a shot

What happened to moral duty
And guilty conscious
You weren't part of it
So its not your problem
See and hear all evil
No one's prepared to be a witness

So we fear the sharks
All silently thinking the same thing
Two gangs can't run one block
Out here no one's got your back

A phone call is all it would take
To calm them down or to prevent
But no one risks the trace
And everyone hates a traitor

So we watch in dismay
At the crime infested disarray
Lips sealed in fear
Praying to get out of here

Cos when the fight comes near
You don't want to be around
For your own life is dear
To be chalked upon the ground

I am the longing
For the long awaited hug
At an airport
I am the colours of the rainbow
From which you can't choose your favourite
Indecisive
I am a mind which wanders with the clouds
The hum of a lyric you can't remember the song
I am the silence in the loud
Blended behind the scenes
I am the good intentions
Sewn together with flaws
I am a losing battle
A one man army
A human controversy
I am something that can't be seen
Feelings that can't be explained
I am a person in control
Of something that can't be controlled
I am the contradiction
In that sentence
I am the mindless doodle on a paper
The habit of a lifetime
Too unconscious to quit
I am the blanket on my couch
The curtains on the window
Blocking out the light
I am the salt in the tears
The unanswerable question
I am the product inefficient of life

Are you
An ice lolly person
Or rich creamy
Ice cream

Chocolate chips
Or nutty treats
High five
Or a thumbs up

Jump for joy
Or tears of rejoice
Hide behind your fringe
Or hands on hips

I want to know
Are you a nights in
Or nights out
Lights on or off

Style over comfort
Or comfort over style
Relax on the beach
Or adventure trails

Outdoors or indoors
Jelly sweets
Or hard boiled
Fruity or minty

Shower or bath
Would you rather
Be too hot
Or too cold

Do you prefer tea or coffee
Words or numbers
Are you a fight or flight
Hugs or kisses

God or therapy
Life or theories
Books or the world wide web
Lie in or early mornings

Do you live for today
Or plan for tomorrow
Lead or be lead
Give or get

Hey you
I was thinking about you last night
Wrote a paragraph
Then backspaced all the lines

I'm sorry it's become this way
That things get in the way
That it's always too long
When I speak to you again

I think about you from time to time
Send a little prayer your way
I hope all is well
And life is treating you swell

I think of the troubles and harm you face
And believe you have the strength
To pull through and keep good pace
I hope these problems are never long in length

My friend I'm betting on you
I'm cheering on the side
Some battles have to be faught alone
Whilst people like me watch helplessly on

There were times I didn't go a single day
Without speaking to you
My friend I miss you
And I wonder at the changes life has done

Responsibilities
And duties
Have tied us down
I didn't know that growing up meant growing apart

Take a few steps with me
No words
Just hand in hand
Let us walk together for once

It's time to take blame for the raindrops
On your eyelashes
That you can see reflected in my eyes
Was it your hand or mine?

I'll give you reason to breathe
Within you I'll find reason to live
It's time to stop painting one another red
What if your child was mine?

Come to my house and we'll go on a picnic
To the most beautiful park
So relaxing and peaceful under a bright blue sky
I promise you will want to come back

I will show you the cornfields
Alongside the roses
My people work so hard
They are most welcoming

*I dreamt of you last night
We were together
You never stopped holding my hand
And we just walked side by side as far as we could go

We walked through your home
It rained but we held on
Seeking shelter at mine
No one stopped you

We just walked straight through
No borders
No visas
My land had your flag

And yours had mine

Like a fly trapped inside
Thwacking against a closed window
I'll try again just in case
Because I'm hoping it will be worth trying for
Numerous times thumping and sliding to the floor
That one in a trillion chance
Where this could be the gamble
And I would win
On the outside looking in
At closed doors
Or on the inside looking out
Open windows
Either way the grass
It always looks greener
From the lens of deception
Let's swap places
And reverse intentions

All praise is due to God
For he made our tears colourless
For if they were not
I'm afraid my pillow would reveal all my untold secrets

All praise is due to God
For I could see you with my heart
Your lips were parched
But in your eyes oceans

All praise is due to God
For only He knows what benefit
That you cannot understand what I write
For I write feelings and you read only the words

I found her
Kissing her knees
Cupping her neck
Gasping to feel a pulse
Nails bitten to the core
Spewing profanities
About how everyday ends on a cliffhanger
She stood slowly
Defiantly
Tiny and dainty
Hair a messy mane
A lioness
Concealed beneath layers of indifference
Her hands trembled
And her body swayed
I won't beg she growled
Feral and wild
As though her lips were not a flat line like that on a heartbeat monitor
She reminds me of what it felt like to be betrayed
And what it felt like to be loved
She made me want to get involved in something I no longer believe in
I am a cathedral of deadbolts
And she made me want to change the locks

Mouth closed
Legs open
Eyes shut
Body naked

Below beneath
On your knees
Don't refuse
Or accuse

Misuse
Abuse
Lose
Discard

Voice less
Butchered wings
Shaky legs
Patterned skin

Unjust
Unfair
Undue
Distress

Always under
Always less

I'm firing my immune system
It fails at its job
Turns up late
Then has the audacity to be a slob

Last week a virus attacked
And my achy bones
Let me know that
Its defences were slack

Couldn't dodge the cold
Or dribble around the infection
It jumped right into the cough
And stood by as it got invaded

I was going to take it on holiday
But the parasites await
So I'm on the lookout
For a new immune system

At least a boost
Or maybe an upgrade
To protect and prevent
I need a new guard

Whilst I'm at it
I'll look for a new heart
This one causes havoc
And mocks my brain

Does as it pleases
Brings pain
As it pines
For what it can't gain

Maybe they just need to be trained

To my mother,

I could never be like you
I'm too untame and wild
Stubborn and selfish
Ever since I was a child

I'm foolish
I can't hide my anger
I can't hide my distaste
I don't care about slander

I don't plan ahead
I'm harsh and rude
I can't hold my tongue
Bitter and crude

I run away from my troubles
I find it hard to forgive
Even the smallest things
I can't forget as long as I live

Mother, I'm impatient
Rude and arrogant
My faith wavers and falters
I'm anything but eloquent

Mother I have your eyes
And your nose
I don't have your patience
And heart of gold

We disagree on many things
Mother, we don't get along
But know that I love you
With you is where I belong

You make my heart soft
My faith strong
You're my mum
Remain with me lifelong

In this story I don't keep secrets
And tell you all about
Gunshots and fireworks
How they both sound the same
I always sit next to a window
Or a door
If it leads outdoors
I hate black and dark, small spaces and walls
Loud noises remind me of showers
And water pelting on empty tiles
Silence feels like loss
Or the calm before the storm I could never trust
But it's not that serious
I can take the loud and the silence
The gunshots and the fireworks
You won't even be able to see me flinch in the fraction of a millisecond it takes for you to blink
Nothing is serious
I laugh about everything
Even pain
And death
And how they were lucky to get an early exit ticket on this crazy ride
My biggest problem is I could never let things slide
Always questioning age old sanctions
I could never keep my mouth shut
Eyes closed
Feet moving forward
Maybe that's why I'm always changing
I'm different to who I was yesterday and last week
I don't even recognise the me years ago
The world was different then
It has ended for me many times
And began again in the morning
Sometimes when I'm toppling over and my insides can't contain the life
I don't have any room for oxygen
But you'll never know that
No one does
I'm good at hiding
And pretending
Make shift scenarios
Finding solutions
They work for me even if there's flaws in the theory behind them
I free fall in and out of everything
Planning never made any sense
Not when I didn't know where I'd be
I like running
On treadmills, on pavements, on planes
When it gets too comfortable I have an urge to rock the boat
New things keep you awake
And fresh
By the time you figured it out
It's time to move on

When you called saying you want to see me
I wondered if you heard
How successful and happy I was
I wondered if you knew
That I knew you got made redundant
I had flashbacks of the day you left
From then until now
You never looked back
Sadly for you that chapter of my life has been shut
So I want to say sorry
For not being sorry
Cause I tried to feel sorry
*But I don't