Sometimes there comes a time
When losses are absorbed
And grief becomes you
When you've given everything you've got
And there's nothing left
Not even the will to care
When you received nothing in return
You continued to give because you never learn
And when you rub your eyes
No more are the stars and colours you used to see
It's been a long time since
You bowed your head
Said a prayer
And are still weathering the storm
Now only heavier
Because you've soaked up the rain
And carried a little piece of everyone's secrets
Burdens and shames
You were there when it all went wrong
And now you're barefoot
On a cold winters night
Where the lines between determination
And desperation got blurred
Left craving for something that is everything to hold onto
You are so much more than what other people see
Your strength will not come from lifting weights
But lifting yourself as you fall down
Fighting hell
And wearing it like an armour

When the faithful
Became unfaithful
I lost faith

When the religious
Sinned irreligiously
I lost God

When lovers
Turned passion into hatred
I lost love

When death
Arrived early at the door
I lost life

What little I had left of myself
I gave away to you
But you lost that part of me too.

I wonder if this is what being in a bar fight feels like
Bleeding into my belly
Nails bitten down to the skin
A tongue that can taste the bitter dryness of my skeleton
A matter of fact honesty that lays into my bones
And grips my ribs
My eyes are thirsty for black nothingness and my mind aches from standing all the time
It's 6am and I need to switch on
But I never switched off
I'm on standby
Like a cracked clay ***
I function but need to be replaced as the cracks will eventually break and no one wants to see everything fall apart
I am hunting for the sound of silence
Desperate to pierce stillness
To just stop and listen to my heart beat
Not for you, or them
For me
My body is like a jelly mould against my bed
But I can't stay awake long enough to enjoy this comfort
Dreams of the following day and anticipated disasters plague me
I need to be prepared
Organised
Ready
Somewhere along the way
I have pressured myself into being perfect
Everything has to be just right all the time or I'll get into trouble
I still don't know what the 'trouble' would be
Just that I can feel it eating everything away
Like a rotten disease
It will spread and taint all that has been signed and sealed with approval
I crave to stay awake and make time mine
At 3am
When the world is quiet
Just to quench the longing for how it felt like to sit and do nothing
I want to stare blankly at a wall for hours without a care in the world
No one would expect anything from me
No interruptions
Or consequences
Just me
Alone
In the calm

I'm going to set my money on fire 
I have too much to burn 
I'm going to set it alight and watch it glow 
Light up brighter
Than the stars in city scapes 
We will stand in the cold 
And take some time to look up
At colours shooting and popping      
For once there is something to see 
And afterwards when there is 
Nothing but smoke left 
Of dying chemicals 
We will all look down again 
And wait for the reaction of the rain 
Back to mundane

I want to fix myself
Gather up the pieces
Work it all out
And solve my problems

Catch these butterflies
And control them
Stand up and face
These fears that constrain me

Ground the nervous shaking
Of this vessel of mine
Cut out the helplessness
And tattoo over the past

Mistakes and regrets
Faults and wrong intents
I've admitted and been shamed
But learnt lessons all the same

No one will ever forget
And forgiveness takes time
So I fell and scarred
My mind and conscious

I want peace
I want a brand new start
To run away and be
The person I aspire in my heart

I fell behind on life
Chasing society as it passed me by
Career and money
Trying to keep up, keep face

Wrong decisions
Blocked paths
Someone else kicked me down
And held my fate in their hands

I needed that job so bad
My desperation was the motivation
The reference never got written
And I never got the chance

I need peace
I want freedom
I chase the life of content
To have no guilt or worries

I got lost
Still stuck finding the way
And a little part of me
Gives up everyday

All around me I see daily
Trivial how are you's thrown about,
As people rush by
not awaiting a reply.

Lift my head and plaster a smile,
Fine thanks, you?
Just going through the motions,
Of social emotions.

Sit surrounded by people,
All staring at a screen,
Dialling digits or far away in their dreams,
Or so it seems.

So I plug in my headphones
to drown out the drones.
The traffic was awful,
The weather drowned you in misery.

I let it embrace me,
Allow the rush hour crowd to carry me along,
Avoiding eye contact and becoming one,
I wonder if others feel what I can see.

Do they too long to flee?
To a happier destination,
Free of a routine,
Where cheery friendly hello's echo,
and a wave accompanies.

Where people have a bounce in their step,
And passion in their eyes,
A soft hum upon their lips,
and so like this: the time flies.

I sat on the front steps
With a little black suitcase
Waiting on a ride
To anywhere out of town

Leaving behind a trail of dust
I followed a cobbled path
Set sail
Allowed the wind to whisper in my ear

I searched for where I could disappear
A place that will hide me
Where the past can't find me
Anywhere to settle but here

Coastal towns and tea shops
Always looked so good on the screen
I once heard someone say
It's the closest to heaven they've ever been

The sand in the hourglass falls with a consuming force
A smell of fear lingering in the air
Your frozen gaze urging it to slow down
Yet it has a life of its own
A course that must be fulfilled
You stared hopelessly as a thousand grains
Fell without permission
Until you willed what was about to come
Until you missed home
Until the last of the tiny grains fell
And took you with it
Following like a wilted flower that craved the sun

I used to think that I would be so good at it
He made my head spin
His fingers traced empires on my back
That refused to collapse long after his touch had gone
Now it all tastes wrong on my tongue
There's something inside me that wants to remain untouched
Every silence is a space of misinterpretations
Infinite imperfect endings
I don't have the stomach to hold dear
Scrunched paper and meaningless words
It doesn't sound right to my ears
I thought love would fill me
Instead it ate away what I had built for myself
We starved each other
Devoured on bodies in the dark
Crammed and indulged
Until all I could feel was the sun burning my skin
The purge lasted for days
We ejected cold
And discharged the fates we didn't try hard enough to hold
It bled into weeks of damage
Until our memories wept
And our bodies healed
Waiting for either of us to acknowledge
That we were better as strangers

She knelt down
And whispered her secrets into the earth
A prayer captured in her palms
And blown into the wind
To be heard in the heavens

You make the air stand still
When your fingertips trace my veins
The way you feel my heartbeat through your lips
I would scatter myself like dust beneath your feet

If my path was lucky enough to ever cross yours again, I would tell you that in one of the filed away boxes, in my heart, beneath these ribs, are the dreams that I wished would soar higher and stronger than the winds, like birds that fly between the heavens. I am a statue at the mercy of the world, standing at the shoreline facing the cliff, I've never seen a blue, as blue as the sea, it sparkled like a jewel that I longed to possess, still it failed to make me feel happy. It's all I've ever wanted. But I never knew that I would feel homesick. The dreams sank as I trudged away, on and ahead in quicksand searching for the spiders web of coloured string. It was all I imagined and more, vibrant, tantalizing and visually pleasing, the real thing was much better than the dream. But when the adrenaline burned off I had dreamless nights and during the day I looked for another Prozac, something as beautiful as the powdery soft pastel colours of these little flowers I discovered last summer. Last week on another one of my unplanned trips I returned, with a sporadic buy of thirteen woven friendship bracelets, that inspired a familiar feeling, I could not bare to leave them. As I opened the suitcase finding a pocket I could stash them in, I came across the butterfly necklace forgotten yet hidden so well. It was zipped away and wrapped in a used tissue that I wiped my tears with when you put it on for me. I wondered about the past that I had forced from my mind and examined it for clues of my carefully planned life to which I stubbornly adhered to. Waves of obsessions and phases lapped at the edges and over spilt. Echoes of songs I was addicted to, replayed again and again for months on end until I felt sick. How I got into baking, cakes and sweets all kinds of confectionery. I baked day and night, treats for everyone who knew me. That was just me. If I loved something I loved it. And if I hated something I hated it. It was always just black or white. Too much or none at all. But nothing ever stuck, it never lasted. If I wanted it, I made it happen until it lost my interest. The necklace was my own iconic bombshell. I still love that butterfly necklace, I still love you. It was my own currency, an expired ticket to the absent happiness, it was the golden treasure once the dust from my eye had been removed.

As dawn faded to dusk
I watched shadows
Slide under the walls
Leaving me completely alone
And the moon forlornly
Gazed down                    
To where its golden light
Failed to shine
So I found solace in the rain
That raced down to greet me
Drowning out
The noise of my thumping heart
That pumped faster
In spite of the pain
Threatening to overspill
Or maybe it did
That's why the moon
Became blood red
And despite being full
It too
Was empty
Hollow like a burning lantern
Just like me •

If you must
Break the promises you made
Shatter the dreams I have
But please for Gods sake
Don't break my heart
I can't bear this unease with myself
Every second is persuading me not to give up
Don't let go
Or life will be nothing but miserable
But a broken heart is quick to sink
It won't even take the rope
Ready aim fire
I hope your arrow of poison expires
Before it reaches its destination
I can't live with the disgust of letting it get to the point where this is all that ever mattered
Where I can't see anything beyond

It's like you swore you would never leave my mind
We painted our souls and hung them on empty walls
It's like I planted every future in the rows of your palms
You shone like a star and I fell apart like a comet

By the time you walked away
I didn't know if I had been kissed or cut
Loved or butchered
Just that I was happy you came close enough to touch

In this competition called life
Its a dog eat dog world
And the other candidates
Strive to fight *****

Sometimes its not
What you know
But who you know
That will get you known

You're just not good enough
Next to someone who
Doesn't sleep so rough
And has the right kind of blood

His dad is an engineer
And the mom's a lecturer
Grandpa is a hotshot lawyer
And no one you know even has a career

Its like
A fist full of sky
Like sleeping with my eyes open
The only thing I did right
The best type of music
When you burst into
Giggles
Giddy with glee
Smile stretching wide
A tooth peeking out of pink gums
Arms held wide open
Like you are freedom
Spreading unconditional love
With eyes blinking slowly
Sincerely
Inviting peace
Blanket me in a world of truth
Like the purest of creation
Untouched
And you accept me
As I hold you
It felt like a thousand sparks of elation
Are ignited
Healing all that matters no more
Making me a better person
Because you deserve it all

Just once
Smile
Like a fresh traveller
In amazement at the
Wonders of this world
With new found independence
As your gaze wonders
Taking in this beauty
Of the sights around you
Smile as you turn
And willingly get lured
When life knocks on your door
Into the depths
Go and don't look back
Leave a trail
Weave your stories
Let yourself be known
Take part and celebrate
Traditions in cultures
Unknown
Collect good luck charms
And dream catchers
Pass through
An organic farm
And teach the village kids
Who've never seen
Foreign skin
Let them chase and cheer
The camel as you ride out
To catch the boat
Overseas
To visit the rhinoceros
Who's becoming extinct
Then off to the boutiques
To find little treasures
Special beaded bracelets
With gemstones
Rare as the experience
You've been through
Delicious delicacies
Waiting to be tasted
And spicy smells
Waft across the market
Enticing your senses
Then for dessert
Stroll through the narrow streets
To meet the best of friends
Who meet at the waterfall
For a coffee every evening
Be in on the secret
In the screen shot
You've always seen on t.v
Smile
As you realise
Everything new
Will never become old
As you continue to unravel
A mere drop
In the ocean
And if you ever feel like
You've seen it all
There's nowhere left to go
Travel backward
Not to rewind
Or undo
But to see how the
Places you've been to
Changed and became new

With your eyes glowing gold
Reach for me like I'm a fast fading light
Hold onto me like we are on a lifeboat and a really strong current would slam us over
Happiness is contagious
And it seeps into my bones as deeply as the warmth on a sunny day
Chasing away the chills in my soul
Pick me up like I'm a fallen star who has seen how majestic the skies are
Show me the way back to where I once shone so bright from

I wish to weave a story
Tell it so beautifully through
It takes all its listeners
And makes them characters too

I will take them on a journey
An adventure of genres in a mall
They'd buy into all the feelings
And stop at the same stall

I want to write a story
Where we meet on the same page
Speak the same drawl
And let love take centre stage

When he says mi casa su casa
I wonder if he knows that walls can never make a home

Home has a beating heart and sweaty palms
Home has a smile that feeds my hunger
He has open arms
And a shoulder to lay my head on

Home makes me dream like no other
Has ears that hear my heartbeat
And eyes that dream with me
Home doesn't feel empty

Home holds my hand
With me he takes a stand
Home is here and there
He's everywhere

Home shows me how to live
Helps me to breathe
Home quotes books and movies and songs we listened to
Home calls me home too

Little by little
She earns and watches it crumble away
Quicker than she could blink
Faster than she could save
To laugh and cry at the same time
Desperation and relief all rolled into one
All is well until the next utility bill comes along
And so mundane hours begin once again
Double shift
Still never enough
Hand to mouth
That's all she's ever known
A little bump and she falls off the treadmill

Its not love
And it sure ain't respect
It isn't that I look up to you,
In fact the opposite.

My decisions you make
My dislikes you dictate
My actions you limit
My dreams you restrict

Confined to the consequences of your past actions
People's interference to view this show
you produce, present, an act all in one,
A one man show
The villain you are
The hero they think
Charming, pleasant and helpful,
Greedy, overbearing and forceful.

A showpiece on your windowsill I remain
Still sane

I saw the light inside your soul
Struggle against your body
Long bouts of dullness
Seeped into illness
Getting dimmer and dimmer
It blinked and flickered
and at times shone blindingly bright
Glowed.

I saw the life
Though your shell shuddered in pain
And your hair fell away
As your figure swayed
The longing to hold your grandchild
Lovingly kiss the soft cheeks
Ignoring that you were weak
and soothingly stroke the hair

I saw the telling wrinkles
Give away your secrets
Smile lines
and worry lines.
Twinkling eyes
Glazed over as you forgot who I am.

I saw you unwillingly give up trying
Your efforts in vain
Dragged down
Inevitably bed bound.

I saw the recognition
The realisation
The acceptance
In your spirit
and went through the refusal
The denial
Confusion and anger
Depression
And eventually a hard slap of
Reality.

Love me
Like a sudden death
Like a first breath
With sulphur and sparks
Attack me with your love
Bite me, maul me, smother me
Like a dangerous starving bear
Leave your love on my skin
Like the rain does to island cliffs
I am a woman lost to the world
Lonely and tired
So be one with me
And let me posess your heart
Like carvings on a stone

It kills me
Everytime you impose
Behind religious propositions
On interpretations you suppose

Take advantage of out of context quotes
And put on that holy pretext
Justify your poison
It kills me
When you give them a reason

It is said we are not born
Hating nor loving
Yet out there
Hidden devils reside
Likewise there are angles in disguise
Religious supposed peace loving individuals
Beliefs mocked and ridiculed
God denouncing nations
Showing the most compassionate emotions
It is neither black nor white
It not either love or hate
Actions within themselves or intentions
Constructs of experience holding us to attention
Falling in the trap of stereotypical conventions

He's the feeling that I can't name
the daydreams that lure me into a future I create
with words that don't fit
he's the only sound I can hear
the scent soaked in my skin
in every sigh I inhale
he's everything I wish was mine

Adelaide
She was a calendar
Of crossed out days
A countdown timer
Ticking on her brain
She'd tell you exactly how many months
Weeks and days left
Until her eyes would set on mine again

I was slowly roasting
A still being
I was in a surreal universe
Of floating things
Where everything sounded like echoes
And shapes blurred my vision
Then Adelaide said hours
And everything went in slow motion

There she stood
The master of my ship
The anchor for the ocean
I keep losing myself in
She had time stopping powers
When her gaze met mine
With just a smile she turned on the sunshine

Kindness is the key to life
Because it shows respect
Peaceful people pray in harmony
Because it shows respect

Doves soaring through the deep blue sky
Destroying conflict between you and I
Freedom standing in the light
Making choices that are always right

When you show respect to others
In all you say and do
The respect that you have offered
Will be given back to you

Speak with courtesy and with kindness
And honour rules with pride
Listen, learn, treat others well
And you'll find your own self respect inside

She resided in smiles that were her strength
And wore love like protection
She spoke to heartbeats
In the language of dreams
Her eyes reached silences that dealt in prayers
She is whom poets borrow their words from

Somewhere between the lines
Of the 21st century
And some other time
Religion became an inheritance

And God became bound
In churches, mosques and temples
A somehow secret affiliation
In the workplace He was not allowed

Embarrassment infiltrated friendship circles
And God was rarely mentioned
People celebrated Christmas
But Christ was not believed in

We sided with experiments
And political histories
Derived morals from sci-fi fantasies
Our role models became Miley

But what of the Mary's
Magdalene, Bethany and mother of Jesus
We would rather believe in faeries
And be unfaithful to the one who made us

Faith is you
And religion is an identity
It's everything you stand for
And all that you believe in

God is at high school He's at college
Bring the belief in your heart upon these lips
Where prayers can be established
Beyond a parish

So keep company with those
Who come to congregation
Beyond the house of God
And incorporate bible lessons in conversations

For surely Angels surround
And embrace you in a divine
Blinding light
That will guide you away from anything but right

Your love feels like teeth
Like tight hugs
Squeezed ribs
Like a heavy chain around my neck

You unhook my spine
And undo my hips
Unseat my shoulder bones
And realign my lips

Your love is a possessive grip
Purple skin
Falling stars, droopy eyes
A stomach full of butterflies

My heart is mine
But mostly its yours
And I won't forgive you
Because I won't know how to forget
That my heart is mine
But mostly it's yours
I can trace where too many good women have gone to die
And all you left us with
Was your agitated pacing

The sound of breath in your lungs pressed against my ears and soothed me
I closed my eyes and saw the shadows in your eyes speaking to me in a way that only a girl with shadows in her eyes could understand
There's something inside you that hides, curled and wounded
It's between our skin
Making me pay the price for something that came and settled before I did
It made me want to mouth your name to a God whose language you don't speak
That night I finally knew what to say
But you were not ready to hear it
Your fingers pressed into the notches of my spine
And I kissed you imagining you could lip-read my mind
Since then everytime you came to steal my breath and hold it in your lungs
I closed my eyes and let you be the surgeon

You showed me the light
Yet I was taken in by its reflection
And when you told me what is right
I knew you had a point
There's something a little scary about knowing I should feel bad
    And I'm only sorry that I don't
Guilt should be the driving force
Helping me make the U turn
But I made a decision and I'm going to stand by it
I like how I'm rolling
Cruising down the highway
Making my own decisions
Steamrolling all the signs
Sometimes the heart, sometimes the brain is steering
I'm making a pavement where I have never walked before
Uncertain of where it's leading
Intentions have to count for something
And maybe one day it will all come to standstill
It whatever it is
Can crash and burn out
And that day
The rain will dance around me
I'll say that life was in my hands
And I trusted the unspoken promises my eyes showed me
Like the call to prayer
Or the confession of first love
And on these very lashes they'll snap like weak thread strings
Sheer luck, belief and destiny
Will get me far
And that alone will be worth it
Pushing the limits
Testing patience
Testing life and what it had to offer me
I set out seeking an unknown treasure
Hoping I'll never hear
I told you so
You never listen
At least I'll have a rainbow
And you know what they say about rainbows right?
They lead to a *** of gold
I'll never get there if I'm afraid of getting wet

A little girl cried
Softly on her own
Where was her home
And the people to call her own

Mum held a vacant look in her eye
As she held her dad and cried
Her brother bled beside them
His brains on the floor

She didn't understand
Ever since that loud bang
Everything possible went wrong
Cameras in her face

And her life became an advert
Sad music in the background
And captions asking for
Just 3 pounds a month

Camp sites
And ***** cold water
She caught a disease
Which made her heave

She didn't grow up
Like she was supposed to
Instead her skin
Moulded to her ribcage

But someone from overseas
Sent some clothes
And one day she even ate
Got moved to a better camp site

Where all the kids went to school
Friendship
And crisis bound them together
Today they are here

Tomorrow they won't

Like a caterpillar cocooned
You shall too
Hatch out your shell
And I want to be there
As you heart furiously
Pumps blood
To watch you as your
Tightly enclosed wings
Come to life
Right before my very eyes
Balanced on the ledge
As you fall
And take flight
Soar higher than imagined
And then a thousand
Of my what if's shall be answered
And you will be the only grain of truth
I have left
No more will you
Hoarsely whisper
Hayfever
In answer to my un-asked question
As the corner of your eyes glistens
With wetness

What if you don't want to be saved
You want to live outside the box
And you would rather the bubble be popped
Not have to claim ignorance
Living in the naïve land
Of innocence

Its tempting
And sometimes its a better option
But reality should not be an illusion
Racism and freedom
Class divided systems
To chase the dream
Or see reason

Where are the black barbie's
And who's your boss at managerial
Minority controlling normality
Scapegoats and state treason
Sacrificial lambs of the season
Corporate crimes with no repercussions

Why is black history
A month set aside
Equality or special treatment
Raising awareness or reinforcing difference?

Conform to standards
Tick box rules and regulations
Invasions of privacy
For your health and safety
Treated like guilty suspects
Looking to incriminate

Social norms and subjective realities
Powers of authority
Puppets of the same ideologies
Filtered through hierachies
And you become a product of the system

A convenient but replaceable minion

He said he loved her with every ounce of his unworthy soul
His heart for all it was worth
Wrenched right out of his chest
And laid at the diamonds beneath her soles
He didn't know how to treat her the way she deserved
He put her on a pedestal
A platform he created with his words
He carved her love from the burning wax of his devotion
Watched her draw hearts in the condensation on the window
He longed to reach out and take her dreams
Arrange them in order
Then perhaps write in his own
She lived in the light of his affection
Her skin was tired of his touch
But it's okay, it's okay
It's cute and poetic
She's a flower he waters
His sun blinds her
Her heart is an animal
It knows not what it wants
Better to be trapped in its cage
That to flee his grasp
And long for another cage to hold it down

Me and you
We're pieces that don't fit
Anywhere
But I'm finally starting to realise
That maybe we don't have to
The puzzle does not need to be complete
We're not broken

My prayers for you
Are forever and always
In your time of need or not
They're with you for cold days

I lift my hands
And bow my head
Wish for your success
And that your burdens become less

My creator or yours
We both believe he's ours
May you be forever happy
And good health be on your side

I wish that your needs are fulfilled
That content in your heart resides
And that the love in your life
Never makes you cry

I pray that you never have to be
Dependent on anyone
May never a moment in your life come
Where you feel lonesome

A strong will powered person you shall become
One where the past is what you've learnt from
Strength to endure
And self-belief is what I want for you

Ease from financial stress
All the chances you can get
Prosperity and no less
For you to have your own safety net

Bonds of good friendship
Softness and security
Family ties and kinship
Don't lose faith in humanity

Mama I have my head in the clouds
And colours on my mind
A paintbrush in my hand
And tomorrow to call mine

Mama it's 3am and I am a poet
I pen my letter goodbye
I'll be gone before you know it
To see the world with my eyes

I've tasted foreign names
That swirled with ease on my tongue
I've talked with my eyes
And a smile that has never gone to waste

I've seen so many differences
But I've found us all the same
I've been welcomed into the small homes
Of people with plenty of room in their hearts

I have a tornado on my heels
I go, I go, I go
With no signs of staying
I've made the earth my home now