I'm a thousand miles away
In a country green and bright
But the paths of my mind
Take me back to our streets
Time to time
I kept in touch with many
And I know all the news
I've heard the post office was painted
And Ahmed has retired
His son has accepted his fate
And works in his father's butchers
I heard Saleh's chickens were eaten
The wolf came through the gate
I know Hannan still begs outside the markets
And Ali still sings as he drives his bus
Bilal married Arwa in August
And the caterers caused a fuss
I know that Hamsa street was freshly paved in June
From this country
I miss the clear sight of the moon
I still have many questions
And I long to visit home
Do the police still pick on the poor?
Does Fatima still send lunch to the neighbours every Friday noon?
Do you still struggle to sleep at night?
Does the future still plague your thoughts?
Have you left home in the early hours of the morning
And fallen asleep on the beach with anyone else?
Did you take another to Juju gardens then park on sunset drive?
When they gossiped about me at Khalti's cafe
Did you put a stop to the rumours or let me take all the blame?
I know the ways of our people
The woman is always put to shame
I'm in a land so green and bright
Here everyone is so welcoming and kind
But the stars look so dim at night
And I miss the dusty heat of our country
And it's people too
But more than anything
I miss you

Even if I don't say it anymore
By God I love you
And your arms are my home
I can't look at your dark eyes
Without being mesmerised
My favourite almonds
Forever I wish to be reflected in them
By God I love you
And he bears witness to my soul
I think back to when I met you
And the honey of your eyes
It is inevitable to fall for you
Every single time
For they are my favourite poem
By God I love you

It's as if I am the dread
Of the curtains being lifted
It's as if I am speaking to the deaf
And awaiting an answer from the mute
It's as if I am being asked to
Shed tears for a pain I did not endure
A departure I did not see
Tell me does it make a difference
Whether I speak or remain silent?
Tell me
Do you ever miss me?
And if you do? Does it trouble you
Does the moon remind you that I too
Live under the same sky?
Does the dark make you think
That I dream of the light?

When you died
It was weeks before the sun shone again
It was as if the sky mourned your loss
It roared in anger
The clouds darkened in respect
I passed through motions
That felt like alternate realities
But nothing felt real
I could still see you on the sofa
In your chair in the garden
Whenever I walked through the front door
I still shouted you a hello
I'd walk through to the kitchen
Then realise you're not there
You're not anywhere
Yet I'd still walk to your bedroom
In a disbelieving trance
Just to check
Just in case
And I'd see your empty bed
Your room still has all your furniture
But it's all an empty space
Everywhere feels empty now
Even the places I've never seen you in
I walk to work
And see a calendar
Months have passed since
I'm still alive
I'm still here
And I'm still walking
Everyone around me is doing just the same
Life
It didn't stop
Nor pause
Time
It carries me forward
Further away from you
My mind
It can no longer picture you properly
My heart
An empty cavity

I wrote code for love,
a program to find,
the one my heart dreams of,
the love that's one of a kind.

I searched through lines of code,
for a match that was true,
and finally, I found it,
a love that was brand new.

I debugged all my errors,
and tested every line,
until my code for love,
was running just fine.

Now I have found,
the love I've been seeking,
a love that's bound,
to keep my heart beating.

So here's to the code I wrote,
for the love that I've found,
a love that will always float,
above all else, unbound.

My heart is in the washing machine
Tumbling and spinning
My life out of control
Take it out
And put it back in to rinse

When the last leaf falls
And the stars claim you as their own
I'll chase day into night
Stand at the peak of the mountain
And sigh my lonely breath into the clouds
There is no such fate where you are not mine
Somewhere far away
Sometime long ago
Written for me
Was a day that dawns with the sun
And ends with the stars

The earth would die if the sun stopped kissing her
This heart is lost
At a place in between
I can't go to you
And I can't return to me
Taken residence in no man's land
My heart has rebelled on me

The sky remembers Palestine
It remembers the bread and cheese
The morning call to prayer
The orchards of olive trees
The Earth remembers
Deep roots older than the sea
Wounds that taste like lovers
Litter the soil
The wind remembers
Free Palestine
The song carries over checkpoints
And reminds the flowers
Where they come from

I feel
I can feel my mind
Pleading to cooperate
To sleep and wake up
But I can't forget her
To count her flaws and hate her
But they make her look prettier
There's a fire in my chest
That could burn the city down
There's a jealousy in my heart
It spreads through my veins like a poison
My heart sews dead promises into the salted Earth
I am living in the arms of moments passed
With my eyes closed
I think of where the sea meets the river
And how it flows into an ocean
In my desire to please her and be with her
I have abandoned myself
I don't know how to be alone again
I don't know how to stop myself from flowing towards her
My torn soul is visible on my face
I cannot escape when they ask me of my pain
In those moments
I wish
I wish to be no one
Nothing
Merely the wind unreachable in all my glory
Free to howl
And be heard
Not questioned nor consoled

Perhaps it would have been better to let go whilst we were still whole
To lose something beautiful and cherished
Than to break piece my piece
And watch what we had
Turn sour in our hands

Now I'm just another defeated lover
Watching the world move on

without us

You tell me to move on
And even if my mind were able to put you away
Like the photos in a locket
Would anyone build a bridge over a haunted river?
Your body will always be my last address

I found her
Somewhere between the hello and goodbye
Her heart was in the liquid sunsets
Melted
Staring at the clouds
Face to the wind
It carried the scent of rust
The copper of a wound
But
She smiled
And it made me gasp
She was not ashamed of the wars she had faught
To save herself
I didn't ask about the scars
Much later
She would tell me the stories behind them
Of the ones she was given
And the ones she created
Born of guilt
To atone for sins that were not hers
The entire time
My ears heard only the question in her tone
Would you stay?
Would you love me anyway?
Sometimes she likes to look at me
As if her eyes are scanning a photograph
And sometimes she holds me in a way that shows me she wants this
With scared hands
It's enough that
When my skin touches hers
She no longer recoils
Most often
She likes solitude
The peace of being alone
I see the way she unhangs the burden of pretense
And slips into the silence
For days at a time
I know that I cannot belong if I am afraid of staying
You cannot fly if you are afraid of falling
So I gave myself to her
Long before I thought I had a choice
To take in pieces or whole
But what did it matter
I am hers
Hers
In a way no one else ever was
Hers
In a world where she didn't fit in
And I'd like to think that she is mine
Even though I know she never could be

God left
And the silence is a trembling hush
This was not the peace I asked for
But He doesn't reply
There's a quiet in my heart
It's too quiet
Like a meadow turned graveyard
A fatal abscess
Worship became a map I could not read
And God
Well he was in my heart
And he's still in me somewhere
I carry him
Like the taste of prayer
Which hangs off my tongue like passion fruit
I desire to suffocate my longing for temporary things
I want to starve how human I've become
Busy in the clicking, sleeping in the day
French painting my nails highlighting all ten useless moons
Forgive me Lord
I have misplaced my hunger for heaven
Forgive me my Lord
I remember you taught us that hunger was a gift that sweetens the meal
I have starved myself of your angels
And I'm wanting to break my fast
Let me plummet but not drown
Let me propel and soar but not be breathless
Let me worship
And God please find me
Catch my prayers and let me feel like I've been found again
Show me I was wrong to leave but You never did

She deliberately hid her heart
Left pieces of it in different places
At the peak of mountains
At the bottom of a cliff
On the last page
Of the last book in the series
Entangled in the silence
Of the blank spaces of a poem
Where most were too weak to make it

I shout your name in the dark void of my mind
It sung back the names of the dead
My tongue tastes like shame
I wish I could be who I was
When the days began with your smiles
And the nights ended with your breath
But my heart is a mess

Mama I didn't go looking for it
I don't even know how I found it
But in the woods
I came across the kind
The kind of boy you warned me about
Don't ask me how I knew
I just did
When my stomach twisted into knots
And my legs quivered
My eyes didn't look away
I forgot what I went there for
He watched me like I was prey
And I remember you said
That I wouldn't return whole
That I should run and never look back
Mama I knew what I was supposed to do
But you never told me he'd take me with just one look
He was only a boy
A man trying to be a cold, hard statue
But his eyes were ablaze
Call it an illusion if you must
But I swear mama
In his eyes I saw everything
But mama if he was bad would he tell me to go
He did
After that, nothing
But that was enough for me
His fists were closed
Clenched
His mouth straight
Taught
It was I who wanted to hear my name from his lips
It was me who decided to be the archeologist
For the lonely
Torn down
I found that he'd only ever seen talking with fists
Only ever heard anger and hatred
Seen pain that came in waves
I found that he was foreign
To the words that fell like raindrops
Faithless in the silent whispers of a world full of noise
It was I who refused to leave
Even when he didn't pull me close
I became part of him
Apart from him
So don't you ever wander
Why I tried mama
I want to see his lips rise like the sun
I want him to try just one more time
This time I'll be there
Like a boat
Like a vine

No
He didn't make any promises
He didn't sell me a dream
But the way in which he spoke
Showed me things I've never seen
Between the lines
I heard a song
Which makes me want to move to the rhythm of his symphony
Eyes closed
I feel like an imposter
Stealing each note
As it flows like water
My soul awakens
Like a memory is calling
My heart wants to kneel
To dwell
To lose itself
In the spirit of fantasy

My breath
Breathes in a lie
Of true love
A darkness
Wrapped in light
A song sang
In sleep
Beneath the real moonlight
In a dream

I live
In the separation of my life
From that which I could not live without
And when I pray to forget you
I recite your name
Like a mantra
When one tries to remember
In the company of my loneliness
I am alive

If I was meant to cry
Why did you make me laugh
Why did I lose
Hope in trust
And since when did love
Begin feeling like a sin
If she was meant to leave
Why did we meet
Why does he treat me like a stranger
Not a few moments to spare
When last month we moved in together
If you had to break my heart
Why did you make it yours

These eyes
Search for you
What used to be
It still is
I'm still standing here
You're not where you should be
And I realise that you
Always intended to leave
Just made excuses
And now so far away
You've made a home to stay

I walked all day and all night
To arrive in a foreign land
Only to cry at the closed doors of hope
I lay in the bed of the poor
Most people dream of a future
But my dreams are mostly memories
Surrounded by a sea of strangers
I dream of familiar faces I used to know
My barber Hassan
He didn't know the meaning of small talk
When I sat in his chair
Along with cutting my hair
He would sweep away the gripes of daily grind
My neighbour
Auntie Faatimah
Visits me often during my sleep
She's always sat at our dining table
In her flamboyant dress
Her scent
Floral and sweet
Would surround the air like an everlasting hug long after she'd squeezed me in her arms
"Ali, What do you think of Halwah?"
Mother and her share a knowing glance
And that's where it always ends
What does it matter what I think anymore?
I think of her
And that's all that we'll ever be
A thought
Not even destined to be buried beneath the same dirt

I've grown allergic to mornings
of absent welcomes
the ones where I come alive
conscious to your existence before my lids open
only to face a reality of you not being here

I. Pride

He claims he loves God
He bows down many times a day
But his tongue is quicker than his brain
He loves what the gossip says

II. Greed

He gives to charity with both hands
Cos that's what his religion says
He makes sure all eyes are on him
So he gets public praise

III. Wrath

Charming and polite
They think he's a family man
But behind closed doors
The devil is his number one fan

IV. Envy

He preaches
He condemns
Speaks out against sin
But there's no one he'll defend

V. Sloth

Study circles and sermons
He plans all the dates
Fundraisers and events
They always start late

VI. Lust

Short skirts and plunging necklines
He abhorrenly hates
Vehemently protests
Yet head to toe doth his eyes rake

VII. Gluttony

Feasts of kings
He is thankful to God before he tastes
The blessing before him
To this testifies his waist

Even though we've said things we do not mean
The cherry blossoms bloomed again
And all the sorrows you gave to me
Have been folded like fitted bedsheets
I have found a way
To feel them between my palms
And smooth them out
I have found a way
To live into them
And breathe the scent of detergent you once used

You are the devil my idle mind slips to
So I keep myself busy
So busy I don't have time to scratch my head

Curse me all you want
There's love in your hatred
You became so passionate with it
But never deny that I was mad about you
Not when all I've ever asked for
Was the safety of every breath you take
For this I would face Mecca
Raise my hands to Luna
Bow to Buddha
And be blessed by the priest
I would do it on auspicious days
According to the pundit
Every single time I would utter your name
In the only way I know how
From love blooming within
How your mere existence pleases me
I would always only gain happiness from yours

Between my bones there are shadows
That haunt the make of my soul
Everytime I look at a reflection
And see a smile
I wonder when it will leave
When it will say **** this
And realise staying is not worth the burden
That inside me there is a storm
Which cannot be chased or caught
It's a storm you should run away from

Ask the sleeping stars
The flickering flame
For whom did they burn
Who did they set themselves alight for?
What hopes and dreams did they dance for
What desires kept them aflame
What happiness did they leave behind
In your name
Ask my heart
In the river of longing
Why did it drown?
Months and seasons went by
Revolving around you
Why did the sun refuse to appear?

Writing something
Isn't the same as living it
And so I stopped writing

For the first time ever
I want time to slow down
I want it to gently whisk us along
And I don't want to think  
For me
You'll always be the most beautiful person in any room
No matter that you're already mine
I'll still want win your heart
Over and over again
And relish every moment
Of every future
That belongs to us

It was my fault
I waited for you on the porch
With the lights off
And hoped you would find your way home

There's another world in all the backspace
It's where the words tied by tongue reside
Fingers which threaten to reveal
Secrets that the eyes hide

That's why it checks read
And hours later comes the reply
Hopeful and hesitant
The heart still wants to try

Thumbs restrain
And backspace all the lines
Easier going back in time
Reluctant to go forward

To rock the boat
To chase the dream
Write your heart
And press send

Oh my beloved motherland
Tell me of you?
I used to sing in the wind
And pray upon shooting stars
Tell me of the springs
Does it still adorn you with luscious green?
Oh my beloved homeland
Do the poppies still bloom?
I've become a lonesome river finding my way to the sea
I've become lost to myself
Every day is a suffering torment
Until I can return to you
And bemoan to you every torture and lament
This body of mine
Shakes in the cold wind
It creaks inside these mouldy walls
And pales in the dusk which arrives before the sun

When I was six
I knew I did not belong
Because only animals could sense
The shroud of discomfort
That followed me wherever I went
When I was nine
I walked away from my house
And let my feet do the thinking
But only the sun knew of how my shadow cowered into the earth
Almost as if to say...right here
I never understood
If it meant here beneath the mud
Or here on earth, everywhere on this layer
But it felt like both
Like the mud could swallow me whole and it would feel like a hug
That it too could provide comfort
It told me how the thing I didn't know I was looking for
Would be found in the open
But since then I've always found shelter under the naked sky
Like it could conceal me and free me at the same time

In the dreamy and ***** labor of my imagination
I imagine and reimagine us in every light
I gasp
and you sing back all the things I crave
While I write a duet with my tongue on your neck
The distinction of right and wrong
has always been a question of fire
It burns in my blood
and throbs in my body as you hover above me
And my heart relocates between my legs
You've become a hymn on my lips
An obsession
Which turns into panic
The moment you leave the cradle of my arms
I still can't figure out why
Without you
Time collapses
And in my heart there is an unripe grief
Soft and slowly rotting
Until your hips can fit onto mine
Until my lips can swear upon the firm softness of your skin
And claim you as mine
Call it love
But I call it dangerous
A terrifying risk
Of ruining everything
For a few stolen moments of time
We will not get what we want this way
And I want it more than anybody
I want to fly with you and keep flying
I want my hands to knot in your hair
Like roots making you my home
I want each time we kiss full on the mouth to be tender and bold
With possession
Not like a haven we desperately built with crumbling chalk

I remember dancing at your wedding
To the sound of gunshots chasing into the sky
The dancefloor hungry for our dabke
Feet pounding in unison
Splitting the Earth open
Outside in the streets
We grew up in
We stamped with hope
But our chained arms around each other's shoulders
Was a wave of grief for the dead
For your father
Abdallah
Everyone loved him so
For your brother Khalid
And his son Saif
It was too early for them to go
At my wedding the line of dancers so short
Our feet battered the ground in accusation
For all the ones it swallowed
I pummeled the unfaithful soil
And on my way home
I hung the swing we played on
Many moons ago

I want you to come to me
Without being called
I don't want you to think of the consequences
Just follow the light you emit
Stand beside me
Proud and happy
In a bazaar full of people
Don't respond to the questions
Strike down the glares with your own deliberate gaze
It's the only way
That I would take you as mine
Give myself away so freely
Come not silently
Or secretly
I want you without embarrassment or shame

It's a cold and lonely place
Hard and merciless
Unforgiving and cruel
But most of all numb
With darkness
No pain
No pleasure
Certainly not any care
We're like peas in a pod
But that's all we share

I didn't want you to leave
Inside of me there was a forest
With trees standing like soldiers
Hoping to prevent you from going
Inside of me
There was a wolf
Howling at the moon
Hoping you'd hear me
I didn't want you to leave
But I couldn't make you stay
So I choked the birds in my throat
And swallowed the ocean
I helped you pack while my heart whined
Then watched you go
Wishing you would come back
Knowing how I would still welcome you
That the door you left through could never be closed
How could it?
When the only time it's ever felt like home
Was when you were with me