He kept coming back to haunt me
No matter how deep I buried him
The world I created in my mind
Belonged neither to the past
Nor the future
But I remember how he marked his territory
Taught me a new language
And learned mine carefully
Each night he made his presence known
And by dawn the discovery continued
As he peeled back the layers
And clambered over the walls
I remember how it felt like
He was always just there
Like a pacman storing away
All the information he came across
Out of all the other people
He collected the most points
The beginning of the end
Was when he wanted more
Pacman became a greedy snake
Overpowering
Overwhelming
Demanding to take up all the space
But he was good
He was ******* great at it
He was always ****** epic
At whatever he put his mind to
And I was mesmerised
Bowled over by his ability
And even now
After all these years
He has managed to stay around
Everytime I think I've forgotten
He lurks in the dark
I remember how he cursed me
Wishing I'd never forget
And wonder if the curse was true
Or I'm wallowing in his prophecy
Perhaps it was mine too

It was my heart
My heart betrayed me
Tugged me towards her path
To indulge in fantasy
Bring us to the edge
Of glory and shame
A sinners punishment
To live and burn bright, alive
Then die every dawn
In a cold hell
Alone within sheets that quickly lose a lovers warmth

He drifts away
Consumed by new skies
As she lays in bed where boredom lies
Weighing her worth against the empty space
Mind wondering back to when they last embraced
The flame that burned with passion's light,
Now dwindles low, obscured in endless night
Her dreams deferred
Waiting up, her hope begins to fade
In solitude, she finds her heart betrayed
As days march on and change does not show
She wonders if there's any more room to grow
Doubt lingers, heavy on her soul
Reality seeps in and it takes its toll
Sacrifices seem one sided
Together forever becomes undecided
They say patience is golden
Until it all becomes a burden
How long will she live in this trance
How long before she gives herself a new chance?

I remember a yesterday when I sobbed to be with you
Wept and begged to go home with you
For the universe to never let us part
Today it's the same eyes
That wet my cheeks
Because being with you hurts
So much it spills out without my lashes squeezing together

You don't let me move on
You don't let me sleep
How did you do it?
Merge my every living moment with yours
Perhaps if you'd taught me
I could have done the same to you

In the C- section of 1990
You'll find me in the belly of July
Surrounded by the heat
Of dreams
I am still in debt
To the lessons of first love
I have yet to greet the pain of some wounds
And some I am still filling
My eyes are still observing abstinence
I am stuck in my mourning period
Let a moment pass
And let me think
About if I want to be ruined again...
When the casket of memories I have of her
is lifted from my mind
When the nights don't remind me of the promises we could not keep

God as my witness
Whom my soul is bared to
He who sees all injustice
The heartache you cause me
I've forsaken my rights and happiness
For this relation of blood
I've searched for the problem
And the answer lies in many
But perhaps the biggest one of all
The worst one I believe
We're too much alike
In all the wrong ways
I have your hot flaring anger
A silver sword tongue
And the stubbornness you showed me
I showed back twofold

There is too much oxygen in the air
too many fishes in the sea
too many normal people in the world
and then there is me

She stood at the water fountain
Ahead of the crowd
Waving and flaying her arms
In a summoning ritual

To some she looked crazy
Whilst to others
Each sway of her arms
Pitched to their soul

Orchestrating
And conducting
The musical shower
Rising and splashing

But I
Stared in conviction
Bewitched
By the last waterbender

My Katara in real life

To my dear husband,
the love of my life,
you make everything right,
in times of joy and strife.

You are my rock, my anchor,
the one I can always turn to.
Your love is my greatest treasure,
a love that is true and true.

You make every day brighter,
with your smile and your charm.
I am grateful for your love,
that keeps me safe and warm.

You are my partner, my friend,
the one I can always depend on.
I am lucky to have you,
my best husband, the one I adore.

Here's to many more years,
of love, laughter, and cheer.
I am blessed to have you by my side,
forever and always, as my guide.

He asks me to communicate
To use my words and tell him how I feel
But no matter how much I say
Nothing can breach the barrier between my body and mind
Like how a map can never truly represent the world
My words cannot show my insides
Perhaps it's a penance
My name was female
My name was freedom
My name is cursed
The law of nature invalidates me
And no matter which way I plead
His promises of love fall against deaf ears
Lies
I want more
I'm greedy
I hate it here
I'm not grateful
I'm so sad
There's people who would **** to be where I am
I want to be by myself
I watch my body heal and know I was created with a power that thrums beneath this skin
I need to claw away everything from outside
And find the me I lost
At the expense of extending us
Is it so wrong
To ask the imposter I've become to be purged?
I pity none but me
I love all except myself
He asks me, what's wrong?
It's everything with me

Somebody asked me
If I knew you
And a million memories
Flashed through my mind

Of who we used to be
Together and apart
And I tried to remember
If I knew you

If I knew the real you
All of who you are
Who you were
What you stood for

I just smiled
And said
I used to

Because I wasn't the same

*And neither were you

When the bright lights in the distance
Become blinding orbs glaring at you
Your feet stuck on the tarmac
You should move, move a little faster
Fast flies out your mind
And what remains is

What is the worse that could happen?

A thought crossed my mind today
I wonder who
Will accompany me
Into my new life

As I set off
As a bride
Who will be the driver
And who will sit by my side

Who will bid me farewell
Eat and be merry
Cry tears in my joy
Dance and hug me close

Who will wish me well
Pray that blessed
We remain
And fragrance my life like a rose

Who will stay
Who will leave
Who will be gone
Who would I need

Then simultaneously
Another thought
Trampled through
Who would lend me a shoulder

A shoulder to cry on
And a shoulder to carry
My body
As I truly leave

Who will be with me
Hold my hand
Close my eyes
And stroke my cheek

Whose tears will splash on my face
The warmth of the hugs
That would no longer touch me
As they weep

Who will be the first to forget
And who will be the last
To whisper goodbye
Who will pray

The prayers I will need
To save my soul
Who will plead in my favour
As I go to meet my creator

The eulogist will say

She tried

And tried

And tried so hard

But promises bore her down

And people wouldn't let her fly alone

She finally had enough

And the solo mission began

I have robbed myself
And cried at your result
Oh how I feel like sobbing at your name
They told me you were sweet
They told it was like drowning in honey
But your cruelty has become a taunt for generations
Love
For me you were a false allegation
Where secrets impaled every word between us
Everything has fallen to a grinding halt
And I feel n o t h i n g -
Like a forgotten lamppost
An old rug soaked in canine ****;
An amputees stump: hollow.
My calendar still has marks for our hours to spend together
My mouth cannot bear the taste of someone else
I stare at my mugshot in the mirror
And tell myself I am the victim
But my veins hold me to account
I was a willing accomplice
I let him take all the empty spaces in my heart
And left me no room to grow
I let it feel strong and terrifying
I felt he'd loved me harder than anything I've ever known
And I swallowed it whole
Thoroughly, completely
I wanted him all
Little did I know
I'd entered a civil war
Where my thighs would bear the marks of collateral damage
My mind would spill the spoils

The letters are squeezed up my closing throat
My tongue stumbles around the strange sounds of another's mouth
Lips twist and form shapes in hopes of finding something that fits
I hear unfamiliar sounds
But I should know them
I should know what they are
I am making them
I trip into words
I wish to tie to a sentence
I focus on your eyebrows
How they dance on your forehead
I look for a nod
Until I'm empty of sounds
My head tilts
Ears straining towards your tongue
Catching glimpses of meaning
As my brain whirls in flashbacks
Remembrance echoes softly in signals
I am floating on a raft of words
Surrounded by a strangers

Sometimes its hollow
Confusion seeps from nothing
Emptiness overflows

I came to you even when they told me not to
My cheeks blushed openly
Hands were painted red
I live with a worry in my heart
About a heartbreak that might be mine
A story they all wait to hear
Don't ask me the lessons I've learnt
From falling in love
That is a story for another time
I live with a worry in my heart
I live with hope
I wonder what the state of my life will be
Will your words be faithful
Your promises hold?
Will I lower my head in shame
Avoid all gazes
Will I never hear the end of my rebellion?
Of all the trouble I caused in becoming yours
When I saw my soul cast in your eyes

I have found peaceful sleep on concrete floors
Where my desires have been needs
And had restless nights on feather soft beds
Where dreams of wants have piled with greed
They ask how people become mad
And I tell them
Look, like this
By doing business with dreams

When you say you hate it here
That this world is a horrible place
I wish you could fall in love again and again
At least five times a day
See the city through my eyes
And love the way lashes kiss cheeks
See how statues come alive
Feel the hum of the ground
And hear how loud the flowers are
The sun is on fire
And still it does not expire
I wish you could learn life and living from scratch
I wish you could hear the sound of your dreams
And feel the way I love your heartbeat

I am grabbed away
Gulping down the rising fear
I feel myself slip from your grip
The bubbling anxiety
And the pain in your trembling voice
Makes me call out
My bag Mama
Pick up my bag for me
I am lead along with others like cattle
In a line
Away from you
The only arms I have ever known
But I don't look to see where we are going
I look at my blue trainers
As though I am seeing them on my feet for the first time
My feet are moving and I wonder if my brain is sending the signals correctly
Because I don't want to leave you
I am squeezed into a truck
That jostles with the heaviness of the situation
My hands slip into my pocket
And I wish that there would be such a pocket where I could not only hide my hands
But also myself
In it I feel the teeths of the wooden comb
The one that I took from papa
I look around at the faces
And they mirror mine
I recognise uncle Suleiman
And Hussein from the shop
I can't see Fahima
It's just men
I dig the comb into the tips of my fingers
Liking the pressure
Because it keeps my mind from drifting to nosense
I did not know that tomorrow I would lay down
Outside beneath the open sky
In a row with İbrahimoviç and several others
Our faces pressed against the earth
That bullets would rain down
And my back would burn
Quickly turning my legs numb
Distantly I would hear the roar
Of a Serbian soldier
"Are there any survivors?"
Someone would cry out instantly
"I am alive, please **** me!"
He pleaded and I was mute
But we both got what we wanted
I do not know how long I lay in that field
Then another and another
I lay with hundreds of others
But years later
Mama would be called
To see my blue trainers
And Papa's comb
To say that I was hers

Sometimes I think
If you could tear open my chest
I'd be ashamed to know
You'd see the darkness of my heart
There's been a lot said and done
It's flourished inside me as black as tar
My brain has picked them up
And rotted away
It's grown mould over the incidents
And I've gotten carried away
In the hatred I've harboured
The interpretations led me on
I've become sad and miserable
And even when you tried to be good
Being around you became unbearable
I was depressed and paranoid
This person I've become
I've always wanted to avoid
Slowly I'm trying
To wash away the dirt
Forget what happened
Stop crying
And smile and thank you
To compliment you when I can
I'm trying to be the better person
That's my plan

The autopsy will say

She lost herself

Amidst

Bored, lonely days

Physically

Psychologically

Emotionally

Everything changed

The autopsy will say

Instead of flourishing and growing

She moulded away

In a routine

Where most wouldn't stay

She lost her habits

Her food and drink

She lost her friends

Her smile and grin

She lost her style

The fit and flare

She lost her body

To swelling and despair

The autopsy will say

She suffocated

From

Dreaming and longing

But not fulfilling

The adventure

She craved

Life hath no hurt
Like the ache of longing
A single person is missing
And the whole world is empty
The wind whispers your name
Even in my drowsiness
I grieve the loss of another day
Darling I miss you
My suffering is plenty
There is no middle ground between heaven or hell
Yet still I swing between the two
Crawling in the shadows
Waiting waiting waiting
In the absence of your voice
Patient grows impatient
I remember the goodness of your heart
And the purity of your soul
Then all the times you filled me
With emptyness
And starved me of your presence
Then showed me a smile
And made all my summers come at once
I miss the warmness of your hands
And the weight of your arms
The scent of your skin
And the way you kiss my palms
I wonder when will be the last time
That we'll depart
Knowing the next time we reunite
We'll stay together forever

This world is too pretty to make a home
To stay in one place
Live your life tucked away
What a shame, what a waste

There's a planet to see
Awe and grace to be said
What a beautiful creation
The Lord's artwork should be praisen

Go and leave your trace
A smile, a hug
An idea, a prayer
Here or there

There's lessons to be learnt
Fear and judgements to be fought
Love to be shared
Knowledge to receive

Language is no barrier
Colour is no issue
Humans deal in hearts
And actions too

So go and meet the people
Eat the food of the soil
Listen to the song of their tongues
A life at home pales

There's a song
That reminds me of you
Everytime it plays
I'm taken back to the good old days
It's like I can picture it with my eyes open
How your hand would move to the volume button on the stereo
The sound would flood your car
And you would tell me you loved this song
I'd say I know
And from both our lips
In sync the lyrics would flow
Heads bobbed
And arms raised
Like marionettes we performed a routine
Even though we no longer speak
There's always going to be this song
That reminds me of you
And my hand will move to the volume button
And I will sing it like a memorial
My body will move like a puppeteer controlling it
I will dance a ritual that was never broken

Bewitched were they
In a few short days of company
Never did come to a conclusion
For naming the butterflies
He was an albatross
Large
Overwhelming
Mesmerising
He who everyone waited for, wanted, watched
A powerful energy
A magical aura
Solitary
And she
She was a Peahen
A dazzling beauty
Irresistibly spellbinding
One was meant for seas and oceans
To fly for months on end
Captured in photographs
A sight for only eyes to behold
And one was an exotic beauty
Terrestrial
Domesticated
Social
Alas when the time came to fly
He stood by the seaside
With her by his side
He asked her to tell him what to do
A bud that was ready to bloom
If you ask me to stay; I will stay
And if you tell me to leave; I will go
It was with a heavy heart that she replied
We are but two birds in an open sky
You touch the clouds
And I the earth
Neither doves nor lovebirds
Fate has us not stork nor heron
For you a life that is contrast to mine
Yet here we met at the same shoreline
Call it fate or a dream
I have flown with you
As high as I could
Now you must continue

The weight of your hands
Stopped the blood in its tracks
It's not like you
To ***** your hands whilst you sin
Usually you light a flame and watch it grow
A shoulder bump in a corridor
The crowd gathers around like weak moths
They're the ones whose tongues I am familiar with
It's their imprints on my stomach
You just glare and gloat
I watch your eyes
A flickering cinema of emotions
Remorse
                 Sympathy
     Anger
                                Frustration
The questions push against the bile in my throat
You don't know what hell you've put me through
By showing me this side of you

Somewhere
Somewhere there is a place
Where someone belongs
And you are that happy thing
Someone's been waiting for
All along

Soul's don't know
Of distance
But you will know
In that instance
The meaning to
Your existence

Someone will come
Or you will go
Maybe you'll meet half-way
Like a reflection awaiting your gaze

Someone will take your hand
Someone will love you
For all that you are
They will appreciate
And be more worthy by far

So don't settle for less
Or degrade your worth
Someone somewhere
Is already yours

Have you seen the way I look at you
Can you read the thoughts in my mind
Do you feel how my hand lingers
Just a little longer against your spine

Do you know how much I love you
How often for you I pine
Can you hear the wish in my voice
That I want you to be mine

My bump
My blessing
A gift so divine
Sent by God, to be mine
I love you with my whole heart
You and me we're never apart
Before I even met you
I loved you more than words could say
Every single day
In every single way
With each flutter and kick
I dreamt a life
Of joy and cheer
Of teaching you right from wrong
Helping you grow up strong
I'll hold your hand, wipe your tears
I'll be with you through laughs and fears
The day finally came
I lay in a bed of emotions
Heavy and dense
I cried and screamed
I gasped and clenched
With one final tear and rip
Out you came, along with a river of blood
You lay on my chest
And my heart became a flood
I wept at how perfect you were
It was so intense
But too soon I was swept away
To be stitched back up
All trauma was kept at bay
After the birth, the joy and the pain
Came the aftermath, a whole new terrain
The body healing, the mind adjusting
To the role of motherhood, encompassing
We came home and life as a family began
You were the first
And I didn't have a clue or plan
The days were filled with highs and lows
And sometimes a climb
Finding my footing and figuring it out
Trying to feel whole again, without a doubt
I thought motherhood would be bliss
But instead, I feel like I've been dismissed
From the life I once knew
Leaving me feeling lost, confused
The weight of responsibility
Crushes me
Leaves me with anxiety
Some days I'm struggling
Feeling blue
But every day, I want the best for you
It's a transition
This postpartum life
One that takes time
And some inner strife
But it's worth it, oh how it is
To hold my sweet baby, and be his

I have hated you since the mention of your mere existence
Held an enimity against you in my heart like an obsessive compulsive disorder
I have despised your very being
The one who holds my future
Whom my dreams and desires shall be entrusted to
The person who holds the key to the decisions I should make
A husband
You have been tied to words like permission and submission
Not love nor admiration
You are the cage to my past and present
The prison of a future
I am destined to experience
From the moment of birth
Squeezed, suffocated into a box
And the only time of release
would be until another box would lower me down
Only now aged like wine
I think of the poison I was fed
How my brain was tied and folded
Pressed down
And made small
So that it could fit for everyone around me
I wonder if I am an anomaly
I have grown into me
Not what he would like me to be
The damage was undone
When you became part of the solution

I am afraid of the defiantly disobedient
How they infiltrate with ignorance
Do not reason nor listen
Turn away and take you further with them

They openly declare war with God
Challenge his commandments
Play the devil's advocate
On the front pew they're standing

I fear the hypocrites
How they leave you in despair
Pointing fingers of judgements
Of their own sins they do not declare

I am scared of the influence
Worried about my weakness
Doubt the strength
To put distance between us

I'm a thousand miles away
In a country green and bright
But the paths of my mind
Take me back to our streets
Time to time
I kept in touch with many
And I know all the news
I've heard the post office was painted
And Ahmed has retired
His son has accepted his fate
And works in his father's butchers
I heard Saleh's chickens were eaten
The wolf came through the gate
I know Hannan still begs outside the markets
And Ali still sings as he drives his bus
Bilal married Arwa in August
And the caterers caused a fuss
I know that Hamsa street was freshly paved in June
From this country
I miss the clear sight of the moon
I still have many questions
And I long to visit home
Do the police still pick on the poor?
Does Fatima still send lunch to the neighbours every Friday noon?
Do you still struggle to sleep at night?
Does the future still plague your thoughts?
Have you left home in the early hours of the morning
And fallen asleep on the beach with anyone else?
Did you take another to Juju gardens then park on sunset drive?
When they gossiped about me at Khalti's cafe
Did you put a stop to the rumours or let me take all the blame?
I know the ways of our people
The woman is always put to shame
I'm in a land so green and bright
Here everyone is so welcoming and kind
But the stars look so dim at night
And I miss the dusty heat of our country
And it's people too
But more than anything
I miss you

In another life
I cross the earth to reach you
Your hungry eyes wait to soak me in
To breath in my scent
And hold your baby close once again
My arms would hold you tight
Hands search like plugs against the aches of your aged body
I'd take in the deep trenches in your skin
And see my life in them
The comforting caress of your palm as you take every opportunity to pat my back
Hold my hand
Sit beside me and eat
Talk about my younger days
You'd say I was the coolness of your eyes
And I'd stay
This time for good
In another life
I would cross the earth to reach you

In time

When I caught feelings for you
It was like a virus
An infection that spread
Out of control
Once it was in my bloodstream
It was impossible to purify
My body betrayed me
Everything about you corrupted my mind
It took me a while to accept it
I was in denial of the illness
Rejected the possibility
That I could be sick for you
That I'd want you
Even when I didn't want to
How my brain would glitch on every conversation
Hang onto every word
My eyes would notice every dip, crook and curve of your skin
I want to count your freckles
I want our skin to touch
I want to see your eyelashes rest against your cheek every morning
When I caught feelings for you
I surrendered to the flames
Be it the beginning or the end
Just be it with you