There is too much oxygen in the air
too many fishes in the sea
too many normal people in the world
and then there is me

When the bright lights in the distance
Become blinding orbs glaring at you
Your feet stuck on the tarmac
You should move, move a little faster
Fast flies out your mind
And what remains is

What is the worse that could happen?

A thought crossed my mind today
I wonder who
Will accompany me
Into my new life

As I set off
As a bride
Who will be the driver
And who will sit by my side

Who will bid me farewell
Eat and be merry
Cry tears in my joy
Dance and hug me close

Who will wish me well
Pray that blessed
We remain
And fragrance my life like a rose

Who will stay
Who will leave
Who will be gone
Who would I need

Then simultaneously
Another thought
Trampled through
Who would lend me a shoulder

A shoulder to cry on
And a shoulder to carry
My body
As I truly leave

Who will be with me
Hold my hand
Close my eyes
And stroke my cheek

Whose tears will splash on my face
The warmth of the hugs
That would no longer touch me
As they weep

Who will be the first to forget
And who will be the last
To whisper goodbye
Who will pray

The prayers I will need
To save my soul
Who will plead in my favour
As I go to meet my creator

She stood at the water fountain
Ahead of the crowd
Waving and flaying her arms
In a summoning ritual

To some she looked crazy
Whilst to others
Each sway of her arms
Pitched to their soul

Orchestrating
And conducting
The musical shower
Rising and splashing

But I
Stared in conviction
Bewitched
By the last waterbender

My Katara in real life

The letters are squeezed up my closing throat
My tongue stumbles around the strange sounds of another's mouth
Lips twist and form shapes in hopes of finding something that fits
I hear unfamiliar sounds
But I should know them
I should know what they are
I am making them
I trip into words
I wish to tie to a sentence
I focus on your eyebrows
How they dance on your forehead
I look for a nod
Until I'm empty of sounds
My head tilts
Ears straining towards your tongue
Catching glimpses of meaning
As my brain whirls in flashbacks
Remembrance echoes softly in signals
I am floating on a raft of words
Surrounded by a strangers

Sometimes its hollow
Confusion seeps from nothing
Emptiness overflows

He kept coming back to haunt me
No matter how deep I buried him
The world I created in my mind
Belonged neither to the past
Nor the future
But I remember how he marked his territory
Taught me a new language
And learned mine carefully
Each night he made his presence known
And by dawn the discovery continued
As he peeled back the layers
And clambered over the walls
I remember how it felt like
He was always just there
Like a pacman storing away
All the information he came across
Out of all the other people
He collected the most points
The beginning of the end
Was when he wanted more
Pacman became a greedy snake
Overpowering
Overwhelming
Demanding to take up all the space
But he was good
He was ******* great at it
He was always ****** epic
At whatever he put his mind to
And I was mesmerised
Bowled over by his ability
And even now
After all these years
He has managed to stay around
Everytime I think I've forgotten
He lurks in the dark
I remember how he cursed me
Wishing I'd never forget
And wonder if the curse was true
Or I'm wallowing in his prophecy
Perhaps it was mine too

There's a song
That reminds me of you
Everytime it plays
I'm taken back to the good old days
It's like I can picture it with my eyes open
How your hand would move to the volume button on the stereo
The sound would flood your car
And you would tell me you loved this song
I'd say I know
And from both our lips
In sync the lyrics would flow
Heads bobbed
And arms raised
Like marionettes we performed a routine
Even though we no longer speak
There's always going to be this song
That reminds me of you
And my hand will move to the volume button
And I will sing it like a memorial
My body will move like a puppeteer controlling it
I will dance a ritual that was never broken

This world is too pretty to make a home
To stay in one place
Live your life tucked away
What a shame, what a waste

There's a planet to see
Awe and grace to be said
What a beautiful creation
The Lord's artwork should be praisen

Go and leave your trace
A smile, a hug
An idea, a prayer
Here or there

There's lessons to be learnt
Fear and judgements to be fought
Love to be shared
Knowledge to receive

Language is no barrier
Colour is no issue
Humans deal in hearts
And actions too

So go and meet the people
Eat the food of the soil
Listen to the song of their tongues
A life at home pales

Somewhere
Somewhere there is a place
Where someone belongs
And you are that happy thing
Someone's been waiting for
All along

Soul's don't know
Of distance
But you will know
In that instance
The meaning to
Your existence

Someone will come
Or you will go
Maybe you'll meet half-way
Like a reflection awaiting your gaze

Someone will take your hand
Someone will love you
For all that you are
They will appreciate
And be more worthy by far

So don't settle for less
Or degrade your worth
Someone somewhere
Is already yours

Johan you are my favourite poem
Of illusion
Memory and dreams
Of victory and in it defeat
Johan you are the poem
That's bigger than my heart
That's at the mercy of God
The power of prayer
You are my honour and bravery
My sickness and disease
You are the poem
Between twilight and dusk
With sleepy eyes
The one I wake to
My day and night
Johan
You are my favourite poem
Of art and music
With almond honey eyes
And dark curls
The poem about
The thrum of a pulse
The one I'm closest to
Like the moon drowning in the sea

Have you seen the way I look at you
Can you read the thoughts in my mind
Do you feel how my hand lingers
Just a little longer against your spine

Do you know how much I love you
How often for you I pine
Can you hear the wish in my voice
That I want you to be mine

The weight of your hands
Stopped the blood in its tracks
It's not like you
To ***** your hands whilst you sin
Usually you light a flame and watch it grow
A shoulder bump in a corridor
The crowd gathers around like weak moths
They're the ones whose tongues I am familiar with
It's their imprints on my stomach
You just glare and gloat
I watch your eyes
A flickering cinema of emotions
Remorse
                 Sympathy
     Anger
                                Frustration
The questions push against the bile in my throat
You don't know what hell you've put me through
By showing me this side of you

When I caught feelings for you
It was like a virus
An infection that spread
Out of control
Once it was in my bloodstream
It was impossible to purify
My body betrayed me
Everything about you corrupted my mind
It took me a while to accept it
I was in denial of the illness
Rejected the possibility
That I could be sick for you
That I'd want you
Even when I didn't want to
How my brain would glitch on every conversation
Hang onto every word
My eyes would notice every dip, crook and curve of your skin
I want to count your freckles
I want our skin to touch
I want to see your eyelashes rest against your cheek every morning
When I caught feelings for you
I surrendered to the flames
Be it the beginning or the end
Just be it with you

I am afraid of the defiantly disobedient
How they infiltrate with ignorance
Do not reason nor listen
Turn away and take you further with them

They openly declare war with God
Challenge his commandments
Play the devil's advocate
On the front pew they're standing

I fear the hypocrites
How they leave you in despair
Pointing fingers of judgements
Of their own sins they do not declare

I am scared of the influence
Worried about my weakness
Doubt the strength
To put distance between us

I have robbed myself
And cried at your result
Oh how I feel like sobbing at your name
They told me you were sweet
They told it was like drowning in honey
But your cruelty has become a taunt for generations
Love
For me you were a false allegation
Where secrets impaled every word between us
Everything has fallen to a grinding halt
And I feel n o t h i n g -
Like a forgotten lamppost
An old rug soaked in canine ****;
An amputees stump: hollow.
My calendar still has marks for our hours to spend together
My mouth cannot bear the taste of someone else
I stare at my mugshot in the mirror
And tell myself I am the victim
But my veins hold me to account
I was a willing accomplice
I let him take all the empty spaces in my heart
And left me no room to grow
I let it feel strong and terrifying
I felt he'd loved me harder than anything I've ever known
And I swallowed it whole
Thoroughly, completely
I wanted him all
Little did I know
I'd entered a civil war
Where my thighs would bear the marks of collateral damage
My mind would spill the spoils

When you died
It was weeks before the sun shone again
It was as if the sky mourned your loss
It roared in anger
The clouds darkened in respect
I passed through motions
That felt like alternate realities
But nothing felt real
I could still see you on the sofa
In your chair in the garden
Whenever I walked through the front door
I still shouted you a hello
I'd walk through to the kitchen
Then realise you're not there
You're not anywhere
Yet I'd still walk to your bedroom
In a disbelieving trance
Just to check
Just in case
And I'd see your empty bed
Your room still has all your furniture
But it's all an empty space
Everywhere feels empty now
Even the places I've never seen you in
I walk to work
And see a calendar
Months have passed since
I'm still alive
I'm still here
And I'm still walking
Everyone around me is doing just the same
Life
It didn't stop
Nor pause
Time
It carries me forward
Further away from you
My mind
It can no longer picture you properly
My heart
An empty cavity

In another life
I cross the earth to reach you
Your hungry eyes wait to soak me in
To breath in my scent
And hold your baby close once again
My arms would hold you tight
Hands search like plugs against the aches of your aged body
I'd take in the deep trenches in your skin
And see my life in them
The comforting caress of your palm as you take every opportunity to pat my back
Hold my hand
Sit beside me and eat
Talk about my younger days
You'd say I was the coolness of your eyes
And I'd stay
This time for good
In another life
I would cross the earth to reach you

In time

The eulogist will say

She tried

And tried

And tried so hard

But promises bore her down

And people wouldn't let her fly alone

She finally had enough

And the solo mission began

I am grabbed away
Gulping down the rising fear
I feel myself slip from your grip
The bubbling anxiety
And the pain in your trembling voice
Makes me call out
My bag Mama
Pick up my bag for me
I am lead along with others like cattle
In a line
Away from you
The only arms I have ever known
But I don't look to see where we are going
I look at my blue trainers
As though I am seeing them on my feet for the first time
My feet are moving and I wonder if my brain is sending the signals correctly
Because I don't want to leave you
I am squeezed into a truck
That jostles with the heaviness of the situation
My hands slip into my pocket
And I wish that there would be such a pocket where I could not only hide my hands
But also myself
In it I feel the teeths of the wooden comb
The one that I took from papa
I look around at the faces
And they mirror mine
I recognise uncle Suleiman
And Hussein from the shop
I can't see Fahima
It's just men
I dig the comb into the tips of my fingers
Liking the pressure
Because it keeps my mind from drifting to nosense
I did not know that tomorrow I would lay down
Outside beneath the open sky
In a row with İbrahimoviç and several others
Our faces pressed against the earth
That bullets would rain down
And my back would burn
Quickly turning my legs numb
Distantly I would hear the roar
Of a Serbian soldier
"Are there any survivors?"
Someone would cry out instantly
"I am alive, please **** me!"
He pleaded and I was mute
But we both got what we wanted
I do not know how long I lay in that field
Then another and another
I lay with hundreds of others
But years later
Mama would be called
To see my blue trainers
And Papa's comb
To say that I was hers

What's wrong
My love
Why do your eyes
Avert mine
Your hands crawl away from my fingertips
Your torso turns and leaves me behind
Your words
They drip between us
But I can't find the puddle
It feels like I am alone underwater
Ears filled with white noise
Your body lays next to me like an animal
Like I am wearing a dying loves dress
Like you're already living in the imagination
Of a dead loves future
Except it's not you in distress
My ache for you hits me
Like lightening striking a stream
Like bars
Wounding the water creating
Deep glugs as it drains cold inside of me
I'm the one who whines like an animal
Pines after you
Going crazy whilst I hide
Terrified to face the truth
Buried under the tide

My breath
Breathes in a lie
Of true love
A darkness
Wrapped in light
A song sang
In sleep
Beneath the real moonlight
In a dream

I live
In the separation of my life
From that which I could not live without
And when I pray to forget you
I recite your name
Like a mantra
When one tries to remember
In the company of my loneliness
I am alive

If I was meant to cry
Why did you make me laugh
Why did I lose
Hope in trust
And since when did love
Begin feeling like a sin
If she was meant to leave
Why did we meet
Why does he treat me like a stranger
Not a few moments to spare
When last month we moved in together
If you had to break my heart
Why did you make it yours

These eyes
Search for you
What used to be
It still is
I'm still standing here
You're not where you should be
And I realise that you
Always intended to leave
Just made excuses
And now so far away
You've made a home to stay

In the C- section of 1990
You'll find me in the belly of July
Surrounded by the heat
Of dreams
I am still in debt
To the lessons of first love
I have yet to greet the pain of some wounds
And some I am still filling
My eyes are still observing abstinence
I am stuck in my mourning period
Let a moment pass
And let me think
About if I want to be ruined again...
When the casket of memories I have of her
is lifted from my mind
When the nights don't remind me of the promises we could not keep

To my dear husband,
the love of my life,
you make everything right,
in times of joy and strife.

You are my rock, my anchor,
the one I can always turn to.
Your love is my greatest treasure,
a love that is true and true.

You make every day brighter,
with your smile and your charm.
I am grateful for your love,
that keeps me safe and warm.

You are my partner, my friend,
the one I can always depend on.
I am lucky to have you,
my best husband, the one I adore.

Here's to many more years,
of love, laughter, and cheer.
I am blessed to have you by my side,
forever and always, as my guide.

I feel
I can feel my mind
Pleading to cooperate
To sleep and wake up
But I can't forget her
To count her flaws and hate her
But they make her look prettier
There's a fire in my chest
That could burn the city down
There's a jealousy in my heart
It spreads through my veins like a poison
My heart sews dead promises into the salted Earth
I am living in the arms of moments passed
With my eyes closed
I think of where the sea meets the river
And how it flows into an ocean
In my desire to please her and be with her
I have abandoned myself
I don't know how to be alone again
I don't know how to stop myself from flowing towards her
My torn soul is visible on my face
I cannot escape when they ask me of my pain
In those moments
I wish
I wish to be no one
Nothing
Merely the wind unreachable in all my glory
Free to howl
And be heard
Not questioned nor consoled

When you say you hate it here
That this world is a horrible place
I wish you could fall in love again and again
At least five times a day
See the city through my eyes
And love the way lashes kiss cheeks
See how statues come alive
Feel the hum of the ground
And hear how loud the flowers are
The sun is on fire
And still it does not expire
I wish you could learn life and living from scratch
I wish you could hear the sound of your dreams
And feel the way I love your heartbeat

Bewitched were they
In a few short days of company
Never did come to a conclusion
For naming the butterflies
He was an albatross
Large
Overwhelming
Mesmerising
He who everyone waited for, wanted, watched
A powerful energy
A magical aura
Solitary
And she
She was a Peahen
A dazzling beauty
Irresistibly spellbinding
One was meant for seas and oceans
To fly for months on end
Captured in photographs
A sight for only eyes to behold
And one was an exotic beauty
Terrestrial
Domesticated
Social
Alas when the time came to fly
He stood by the seaside
With her by his side
He asked her to tell him what to do
A bud that was ready to bloom
If you ask me to stay; I will stay
And if you tell me to leave; I will go
It was with a heavy heart that she replied
We are but two birds in an open sky
You touch the clouds
And I the earth
Neither doves nor lovebirds
Fate has us not stork nor heron
For you a life that is contrast to mine
Yet here we met at the same shoreline
Call it fate or a dream
I have flown with you
As high as I could
Now you must continue

I have hated you since the mention of your mere existence
Held an enimity against you in my heart like an obsessive compulsive disorder
I have despised your very being
The one who holds my future
Whom my dreams and desires shall be entrusted to
The person who holds the key to the decisions I should make
A husband
You have been tied to words like permission and submission
Not love nor admiration
You are the cage to my past and present
The prison of a future
I am destined to experience
From the moment of birth
Squeezed, suffocated into a box
And the only time of release
would be until another box would lower me down
Only now aged like wine
I think of the poison I was fed
How my brain was tied and folded
Pressed down
And made small
So that it could fit for everyone around me
I wonder if I am an anomaly
I have grown into me
Not what he would like me to be
The damage was undone
When you became part of the solution

Mama I didn't go looking for it
I don't even know how I found it
But in the woods
I came across the kind
The kind of boy you warned me about
Don't ask me how I knew
I just did
When my stomach twisted into knots
And my legs quivered
My eyes didn't look away
I forgot what I went there for
He watched me like I was prey
And I remember you said
That I wouldn't return whole
That I should run and never look back
Mama I knew what I was supposed to do
But you never told me he'd take me with just one look
He was only a boy
A man trying to be a cold, hard statue
But his eyes were ablaze
Call it an illusion if you must
But I swear mama
In his eyes I saw everything
But mama if he was bad would he tell me to go
He did
After that, nothing
But that was enough for me
His fists were closed
Clenched
His mouth straight
Taught
It was I who wanted to hear my name from his lips
It was me who decided to be the archeologist
For the lonely
Torn down
I found that he'd only ever seen talking with fists
Only ever heard anger and hatred
Seen pain that came in waves
I found that he was foreign
To the words that fell like raindrops
Faithless in the silent whispers of a world full of noise
It was I who refused to leave
Even when he didn't pull me close
I became part of him
Apart from him
So don't you ever wander
Why I tried mama
I want to see his lips rise like the sun
I want him to try just one more time
This time I'll be there
Like a boat
Like a vine

He drifts away
Consumed by new skies
As she lays in bed where boredom lies
Weighing her worth against the empty space
Mind wondering back to when they last embraced
The flame that burned with passion's light,
Now dwindles low, obscured in endless night
Her dreams deferred
Waiting up, her hope begins to fade
In solitude, she finds her heart betrayed
As days march on and change does not show
She wonders if there's any more room to grow
Doubt lingers, heavy on her soul
Reality seeps in and it takes its toll
Sacrifices seem one sided
Together forever becomes undecided
They say patience is golden
Until it all becomes a burden
How long will she live in this trance
How long before she gives herself a new chance?

The earth would die if the sun stopped kissing her
This heart is lost
At a place in between
I can't go to you
And I can't return to me
Taken residence in no man's land
My heart has rebelled on me

The autopsy will say

She lost herself

Amidst

Bored, lonely days

Physically

Psychologically

Emotionally

Everything changed

The autopsy will say

Instead of flourishing and growing

She moulded away

In a routine

Where most wouldn't stay

She lost her habits

Her food and drink

She lost her friends

Her smile and grin

She lost her style

The fit and flare

She lost her body

To swelling and despair

The autopsy will say

She suffocated

From

Dreaming and longing

But not fulfilling

The adventure

She craved

My bump
My blessing
A gift so divine
Sent by God, to be mine
I love you with my whole heart
You and me we're never apart
Before I even met you
I loved you more than words could say
Every single day
In every single way
With each flutter and kick
I dreamt a life
Of joy and cheer
Of teaching you right from wrong
Helping you grow up strong
I'll hold your hand, wipe your tears
I'll be with you through laughs and fears
The day finally came
I lay in a bed of emotions
Heavy and dense
I cried and screamed
I gasped and clenched
With one final tear and rip
Out you came, along with a river of blood
You lay on my chest
And my heart became a flood
I wept at how perfect you were
It was so intense
But too soon I was swept away
To be stitched back up
All trauma was kept at bay
After the birth, the joy and the pain
Came the aftermath, a whole new terrain
The body healing, the mind adjusting
To the role of motherhood, encompassing
We came home and life as a family began
You were the first
And I didn't have a clue or plan
The days were filled with highs and lows
And sometimes a climb
Finding my footing and figuring it out
Trying to feel whole again, without a doubt
I thought motherhood would be bliss
But instead, I feel like I've been dismissed
From the life I once knew
Leaving me feeling lost, confused
The weight of responsibility
Crushes me
Leaves me with anxiety
Some days I'm struggling
Feeling blue
But every day, I want the best for you
It's a transition
This postpartum life
One that takes time
And some inner strife
But it's worth it, oh how it is
To hold my sweet baby, and be his