This one's for the nights that turned into mornings
The ones I never thought would arrive
The sunrises which crept in slowly as I drove towards them
And the ones that crashed through my window as I slept through their brilliance
This one's for the painful nights of no sleep
Ones where the fire burned through my veins
When my muscles twitched and my legs spasmed
And the restless nights when ghosts long passed came for a visit
This one is to acknowledge the nights
And take each one as it comes

I have laid awake more times than I care to share
The world has passed me like a stranger
I watch myself from second person
And everytime I cross the road I glitch in the middle
For a long time I thought it was fear
Until I realised it was regret
I stand and stare at the cars whizzing by
And I wonder why I was left behind
Had it been me behind the wheel
And had I known that impact is not immediate nor physical
I would have returned
I would have wanted to reverse and finish the job
Instead of leaving a soul lingering
With no answers
Or closure
Or a way forward

Come and meet the *****
The one who watched her mother's skin painted in every shade of the galaxy
Meet the **** who was reminded she was a mistake ever since her existence
She handed her entire soul on a platter to the first person who showed interest
She knew she lost the game as soon as he caused her pain
There's no way she could get lower
He took advantage
Seen her damaged
Didn't think it would make much difference
So she took her name and owned it
The ******* rogue
She doesn't need anyone else
She sold her body in the parts she was reduced to
To keep her whole

I'm his rebound love
He likes me but he wouldn't have chosen me
I'm good but not good enough
I'm the one he's looking at but not the one he sees
I'm the one he's with but not the one he wants
I picked up the pieces but he wants her to put him together again
I'm his rebound love
Waiting for her to take him away

When you left I didn't have a period for months
I thought I was pregnant
It turns out that trauma could do that to you
It's called secondary amenorrhea
But I call it mourning
I remember it as the time I missed you so much
Parts of my body gave up functioning without you
Now I see how people die of heartbreak

You'll never know about the light that died within me
After you left
You'll never know how many people tried to light up my future again
But my heart would not catch the fire they tried so hard to set

You're immature
Stubborn
And a quitter
Everything I didn't think you were
If I had seen these traits I would have turned my feet around the moment I met you

I kind of wish we argued
I wish that you were angry
That we stopped talking for days
On and off until we stopped for good
At least that way I would know what went wrong
At least that way I might have expected it
There's something about the sudden way you cut me off
That makes my heart not want to accept it

In this moment let me grieve
I know nothing without her
It's not unhealthy to cry until I can't anymore
To hear the hitch in my breath and the loud sobs I'm not trying to repress
I have to let her out
I have to destruct to let her go
And put myself together again

I'll always remember the first night I slept again
And not the sleepless night I had over you
I'll remember how my friends called me to ask how I was
And not the empty silence I got back when I tried ringing you
I'll remember all those moments I became myself again
And not who I was with you

Tonight I'm going to write you out of my mind
I'm going to put you on paper and leave you there
You'll be just another page lost amongst all the others
Perhaps one day you'll become a reference but I hope you never will
Tonight I'm going to write you out of my life

If you come back
I won't let you
It won't be to open arms
And nothing will ever be the same again
Because I don't want us to be normal anymore
I don't want everything to be how it used to be
I want you to regret it
Not what you did
That was your choice and you always had that
No matter how much it would always hurt me
I want you to be sorry
I want you to be ashamed
Because of your heartless way
The cruelty in which you dug into my mind
And planted seeds of self doubt
The needless guilt you left me with
Without explanation
I want you to stay up thinking about
How you lead me on
It was unquestionable that anything could be wrong
We never even argued
I want you to have nightmares
About the last time we met
How it was you who made plans for our next date
Held me close to your heart
And said see you again
Eighty six minutes later you sent me a text
Fifteen years
And everything I had with you went down the drain
You told me about suppressed feelings
And things that didn't sit right
Vaguely you aimed your words at me
And hit the bull's-eye in my chest
I want your everyday
To be filled with recoil
I want everytime you look in the mirror
To see the shrapnel you lodged in my life
How difficult you made it for me to move on
And everytime you look at the sky
I want you to think about
How you loved me to the moon and back
Then suddenly had none left at all
I want you to have an overwhelming moment of loneliness overcome you each time you meet someone new
And remember how you judged me to not be good enough for you
Because you were progressing faster than I
And we were no longer on the same level
I want you to reach whatever it is you left me for
I pray you achieve your goal
But I want your success to stink of the remnants of the bleeding heart you waded through and know that you could have taken the stairs all along

Now that I look back
A feeling of daunting realisation sinks my stomach
Every incident you've ever told me about
I no longer see you as the victim
I wonder why I had so much sympathy
Now that you've done to me what you did to them
I think
Maybe it was you all along
Maybe you were the chaos
But I took you in my arms
Comforted you
And soothed your arrogance
Mistaking it for hurt

So who is the one at fault?
Now that I think about it
I was wrong about you all along

She said her path was different to mine
Via text
That's it
I never heard from her again
Fifteen years
Wrenched from my life
And I didn't even deserve a reply

Maybe this fever is a way of my body praying
Or repenting or cleansing
Or maybe it has clashed with the soul beyond repair
Maybe these aches are accountability to what I put this body through
How I abused its health
And pushed its boundaries
Or maybe it is the birth of death
And my body has begun revolting in fear
Of returning to its creator
All used and broken
Worn and torn
Would he give me a refund and let me try again?
Perhaps when this fever is over
I'll be better

"I'm not looking for love"


The words of fools
No one who knows love looks for it
And those who don't
Think they have a choice

Love doesn't come knocking
Asking politely if it should enter
Waiting on your permission
Love is not a vampire

Love is a mosquito who will feast without invitation
It will lubricate the entrance to your heart without you realising
And shamelessly drink directly from the valve
You will be in love before you know it
And when it turns cold

Love goes away

But do not be misled

It does not die

Love will fester beneath your skin

And simmer in the heat of your longing

It will flicker in and out of your life

In your thoughts, in your memories

In your dreams and the future you built in words

It will always own some of the veins within you
And when the fragrance of it finally fades
It will feel like a bite out of your life
One that lasted mere days
But left scars that last a lifetime

He wasn't the Yin to my Yang
No
We danced on eachother's toes
Everytime we were together
He pushed my boundaries
And drove me to the edge of madness
But I craved the competitiveness
Hungered for the challenge
I wanted to bathe in his sins and wickedness
Because there were times when we both wanted the same thing
Tame moments of looking into eachother's eyes and putting the darkness to sleep
There are times when being with him feels like being pulled out of the ocean
And seeing him makes everything else but us seem like a blur

There's light inside me
My heart pumps to it
You see my heart
It's good
But the hands
My hands are sinful
They reach for you
And you hang onto my past
More than I
I am willing to let go
To forget
To grow
But your gaze always starts at my roots
And they are sprouted in hell

I am not the same person you met
These days my feet walk to your courtyard
And stop
Refusing to enter
One day I woke up
To a world that was the same as yesterday
But everything in this world was new to me
I don't want us to look at eachother like the old days
With hearts full of regrets
With could haves
Or what ifs
The thing is I can't forget
The thing is I will always have this part of me that's different
You see
It didn't just happen to me
Like an event passing in time
It stayed inside of me
Altered everything about me
It didn't leave
It has festered
So if you want the me from yesterday
She's gone

She had a fascination with broken countries
She sung about wars
And letters which brought bad news
The end of innocence
And childhood which didn't bloom
She'd tell me of the ghosts in her heart
And the sins of her past
How she got away
But the poverty of her soul still lasts
There are people in her mind
Who died to be remembered
Her people are scattered limbs
Scattered seeds afraid to be planted
On foreign soil which prepared the pesticides for her homeland

She is a creature of soft nature
Gentle and kind
So quick to give
Even quicker to forgive
She likes peace and solitude
She likes calm and quiet
So she never complains
Or argues
Existing in the plain
She is agreeable
Malleable
Mellow
Mild
She smiles all the time
But this smile is nothing special
She is miserable
But turns the other cheek
Not able to raise her voice
Not loud enough
Not defiant
Not persistent
She dreams
Not of rebellion
Or deviance
No
Even her dreams are of harmony
Of being understood
Through the look in her eyes
The dreams they hold
Her dreams are of tranquility
Silly girl
With her head in the clouds
Dewy eyed and trustful
This world will chew you up and spit you out

I'm sorry
That I let the pain
Twist me into someone new
Someone wrung out and tired
Wary hearted
Using distance as protection
But I was once fooled
For my love was turned into a social scandal
Mocked
And demoralised
Desires turned into
Whispered taboos
My devotion
Became a mark of shame
My trust
A sign of weakness
Everything I was became a story of pity
So I blamed myself
Changed myself
Became as cold as the heart he gave me

I miss you in a way that makes my heart ache
Yet here I am like a willow tree
That has died whilst standing
Even when I am alone
I do not belong to myself
For you have a place within the wilderness
Seeking the burial
Of my beautiful fate

If lies had shape it would be the curve in his smile
The brightness of his teeth
He was the growling of fire
Whilst I was the silence of ashes

I. Pride

He claims he loves God
He bows down many times a day
But his tongue is quicker than his brain
He loves what the gossip says

II. Greed

He gives to charity with both hands
Cos that's what his religion says
He makes sure all eyes are on him
So he gets public praise

III. Wrath

Charming and polite
They think he's a family man
But behind closed doors
The devil is his number one fan

IV. Envy

He preaches
He condemns
Speaks out against sin
But there's no one he'll defend

V. Sloth

Study circles and sermons
He plans all the dates
Fundraisers and events
They always start late

VI. Lust

Short skirts and plunging necklines
He abhorrenly hates
Vehemently protests
Yet head to toe doth his eyes rake

VII. Gluttony

Feasts of kings
He is thankful to God before he tastes
The blessing before him
To this testifies his waist

In the silence of the morning
When only the husk of the moon remained
The smell of salt dripped down my throat
As I felt the beat of your heart move away
Everything was left saturated in the thick musk of loss

Dawn came like a siren
In haste
Impatient to turn the page
It swallowed you up into yesterday

I have met bitter people with sweet faces
And rich people with poor intentions
Darling
Everything about you
Is as clear as day
Your eyes
Your face
Your lips
They all show the same
As your heart
I love that with you I never have to search for the truth
Promise me
Promise me you'll never change
I love you just the way you are

I dreamt of a feast
In the warmth of the sun
That made my mouth drool
And my eyes water
The scent clouded my mind
So tempting
I didn't even try to resist
Didn't even wait for an invite
Instead in full consciousness
I leant forward with both hands
And gorged
Indulged more that I should have
I stuffed my mouth with delicacies
And moaned aloud at the ******* flavours
Utter bliss
With complete abandonment
I didn't slow down
Until my belly ached
And my jaw grew tired
Uncontrollably I took more than my fill
Until I became nauseated
Dizzy
And my body slumped
I sat panting
Stomach bloated
Hands stained with the evidence
Each inhale squashed against my organs
This time I moaned for different reasons
Turning away from the morsels which remained
Their sight now offending me
Loud and booming
I heard the call to prayer
Telling me to hurry
And I remember lying there
Filled with sheer dread
Skin clammy with a sheen of sweat
Daunted with the reality
That I was supposed to be fasting
Supposed to be abstaining
Early that morning I had made an oath to God
And I had broken it
A wail broke out from my mouth
At the horror
Of my sins
All the while
My brain chanted
Again and again
Eve had only eaten an apple

He says our religion is the same
But I am not what he is
He claims I don't have much knowledge
But I know he does not practice what he preaches
He shows me scriptures and Qur'an verses
To prove his point
He doesn't show me the ones about love
Forgiveness
And being a good person
No
He tells me about punishment and death
About the hellfire that is licking at my heels
He points to me and
Tells me of a God I have not known
This God sounds strict
Unmerciful
Oppressive
He condemns me
Extradites me out of the fold
But I am not scared
I am sure
If Islam is what he is
Then I don't want to be apart of it

You are the devil my idle mind slips to
So I keep myself busy
So busy I don't have time to scratch my head