In this moment let me grieve
I know nothing without her
It's not unhealthy to cry until I can't anymore
To hear the hitch in my breath and the loud sobs I'm not trying to repress
I have to let her out
I have to destruct to let her go
And put myself together again

I'll always remember the first night I slept again
And not the sleepless night I had over you
I'll remember how my friends called me to ask how I was
And not the empty silence I got back when I tried ringing you
I'll remember all those moments I became myself again
And not who I was with you

Tonight I'm going to write you out of my mind
I'm going to put you on paper and leave you there
You'll be just another page lost amongst all the others
Perhaps one day you'll become a reference but I hope you never will
Tonight I'm going to write you out of my life

If you come back
I won't let you
It won't be to open arms
And nothing will ever be the same again
Because I don't want us to be normal anymore
I don't want everything to be how it used to be
I want you to regret it
Not what you did
That was your choice and you always had that
No matter how much it would always hurt me
I want you to be sorry
I want you to be ashamed
Because of your heartless way
The cruelty in which you dug into my mind
And planted seeds of self doubt
The needless guilt you left me with
Without explanation
I want you to stay up thinking about
How you lead me on
It was unquestionable that anything could be wrong
We never even argued
I want you to have nightmares
About the last time we met
How it was you who made plans for our next date
Held me close to your heart
And said see you again
Eighty six minutes later you sent me a text
Fifteen years
And everything I had with you went down the drain
You told me about suppressed feelings
And things that didn't sit right
Vaguely you aimed your words at me
And hit the bull's-eye in my chest
I want your everyday
To be filled with recoil
I want everytime you look in the mirror
To see the shrapnel you lodged in my life
How difficult you made it for me to move on
And everytime you look at the sky
I want you to think about
How you loved me to the moon and back
Then suddenly had none left at all
I want you to have an overwhelming moment of loneliness overcome you each time you meet someone new
And remember how you judged me to not be good enough for you
Because you were progressing faster than I
And we were no longer on the same level
I want you to reach whatever it is you left me for
I pray you achieve your goal
But I want your success to stink of the remnants of the bleeding heart you waded through and know that you could have taken the stairs all along

Now that I look back
A feeling of daunting realisation sinks my stomach
Every incident you've ever told me about
I no longer see you as the victim
I wonder why I had so much sympathy
Now that you've done to me what you did to them
I think
Maybe it was you all along
Maybe you were the chaos
But I took you in my arms
Comforted you
And soothed your arrogance
Mistaking it for hurt

So who is the one at fault?
Now that I think about it
I was wrong about you all along