In hindsight
Having you was the most reckless thing I have ever done
There wasn't any space inside of me
To love the way a mother should
The way a child deserved
Before I held you in my arms
I dreamt of standing on the edge of a cliff
And letting myself fall
I see myself in your eyes
And I resist the tug that pulls me away
Grasping for reasons to stay
A big part of me foolishly hoped
That you would become my purpose
Or absolve the loneliness
But you are my punishment
To whom I am held accountable
Another place that I fall short
My arms are too cold
For someone as warm as you
My breaths too shallow
For someone who is so full of life
I fear one day
In a spontaneous moment
I'll pay heed to the voices
And move on
Sometimes I tell myself that it would be my gift to you
To rid you of me
Allow you the gift of childhood
The innocence of youth
The forgiveness of time
You will be blessed with forgetting I ever existed
I dream that another will hold you close to their chest
And you'll stop crying
I wake up sobbing at the darkness lurking within me
To do to you what ruined me

My life is a viral plague of what could have been
Of doors that were never allowed to be opened
Long eternal hallways of regret
Of window shopping alternate lives
Role playing an imaginary fashion show
Trying on different careers, hobbies and languages
But never having the courage to do anything more
I've always peaked through cracked doorways
Fascinated by what lies beyond
All the opportunities
And possibilities
Allowing the thrill of an impulsive dream to wash over me
The excitement and adventure of something new
In stories where I am
Impulsive and spontaneous
Embarking on a journey of discovery
Of incredible secret potential
Thriving and flourishing
In a world of doors easy to open
Where the shadows in the rooms
Are not the grim reaper
Waiting for me to fall
Where the consequences I faught to overcome
Are not haunting taunts
I told you so
Or pitiful whispers
I told you so
Or arrogant cries
I told you so
There are countless frames of deceased doors
All of them have my footsteps leading right to the boundary
All of them have handprints
On every silver and gold handle
Each door has been firmly slammed closed
And I've been caught red handed

After you
I became a graveyard
Full of memories
No one else wanted to visit
In an unused plot of land
There is an unwatered flower bed
In another there is a broken headstone
That looks like a shattered mirror
Unanswered questions float around with no place to rest
And every night when the sun sets I want you to return
I want you to come and see
That without you there is nothing left
Without you
Every embrace will be bereft

When I was six
I knew I did not belong
Because only animals could sense
The shroud of discomfort
That followed me wherever I went
When I was nine
I walked away from my house
And let my feet do the thinking
But only the sun knew of how my shadow cowered into the earth
Almost as if to say...right here
I never understood
If it meant here beneath the mud
Or here on earth, everywhere on this layer
But it felt like both
Like the mud could swallow me whole and it would feel like a hug
That it too could provide comfort
It told me how the thing I didn't know I was looking for
Would be found in the open
But since then I've always found shelter under the naked sky
Like it could conceal me and free me at the same time

You came
At a time
When I just needed a reason
An excuse to live
You became a beacon of light
On a stormy night
While I waded through the dark ocean
So I swam towards you
Like a pirate seeking treasure
And while you sheltered me
With the distraction
Of something new
A budding hope began to bloom
But when I opened my chest
I saw that your treasure had already been taken
Love is not always an exchange
So I gave you my heart anyway