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the floorboards would creak with love
or maybe just lust
wood does not know the difference
dear grandfather,

you left the television on
you left your flannel where you always put it
a bottle of your favorite soda still in the fridge
you also left your records here
but when i played them this time
the sound didn't hit me right
the crackling wasn't how i remembered it
as soon as the needle hit
the room grew colder
and a lot bigger

dear grandfather,

grandma doesn't sound the same anymore
she can only fake a smile
her humming has morphed into a sigh
the house is too quiet
i tried to play another record but
grandma said that some things should be left where they lay
i don't know what she's going to do with them
or your couch
or your flannel
or your soda
or the looming shadows in the corner of the family room where we used to gather

dear grandfather,

i'm quickly starting to settle into the fact that you're gone
forever

dear grandfather,

your records are still there
i haven't been able to gather the strength to play them
or even entertain the fact that they'll sound the same

dear grandpa,

this couch is too big
your flannel is growing thin
the soda is flat
the house is still cold

dear grandpa,

today i played some Elvis
and i swear that the crackling of the record synchronized with the cracking of my heart
and every bittersweet harmony coaxed the tears from my eyes

dear papa,
i swear i heard you humming along
I am not a toy
to be put on a shelf
because you are bored.
Not an experiment
ready to sit and collect dust
while you collect data.

I don’t have the energy to
fold my hands on one knee
cross my legs like a
lady in a fashion magazine
and ponder if you
will ever want to play again.

I refuse to wait here quietly, patiently
for you to realize that I’m still here
that I still hang on every word you don’t say.
That I, covered in dust so thick I
wonder if I will ever see my skin while your
lack of presence is a heavy weight in my chest
wasting energy I don’t have just to keep my spirit
from the darkness that it was left in.

I refuse to wait for a proper goodbye
but I fear I will be waiting here forever.

— The End —