Am I a bad person for not wanting to leave home yet?
to wait and see if my dad accepts me
because i have been told all of the stuff about T
my beard won’t even come in until after a year
if my voice cracks, i can just lie
but where’s the happiness in lying?
i want him to be there for me when i have my first shave
when my voice drops down a level
when I don’t feel like the body I was born in is something bad
i know this might be effects from abuse
and that what I’m feeling is guilt
but if this means I don’t have to lose someone I love
I can take that

Dear Elliana,
Your long, blonde hair is woven between the veins of my hearts which I do not love but can’t throw out
What can I say? I’m sentimental
Even though I have deleted every fragrance and reminder of you, the world still sees you before they see me
I still have a lot of your old makeup
The fear of wearing it brings a stomach ache
I liked your eyeliner though
You had good taste
I get told I looked better as you by family whose eyes see only your pronouns instead of mine
I am gifted dresses still in your name, and I throw them out immediately
They want you back but **** those poeple because they never even knew you
Dear Elliana,
I am sorry I had to **** you in my memories
I never imagined you would be a bad thing
A lot of my new friends don’t know you
Dear Elliana,
I am sorry I am shattering the mirror of your body
I want to sell your hips, gift your ******* to someone who wants them
I was born and you didn’t hurt yourself anymore
You force yourself out of my lips in a guilty conscience every time I see you in another’s eyes
Dear Elliana,
I remember when you met me
It was the year you turned thirteen
It was the first time you said out loud that you didn't want to live anymore
In therapy you said you wouldn't make it to 19
On my 19th birthday I thought about you
You were right
I've been trying to write this letter for 6 months
I still can't decide if it should be an apology or not
But now you will never hear "Elliana ***" announced at a college graduation,
Get married, give birth
Dear Elliana,
I start testosterone in two weeks
I know what will happen when it starts taking effect
My body will stop being able to produce the potential for new life every month
I thought about your children, how I wanted them too
You will never be a grandparent
I’m sorry
You will never hold your lover’s sleeping figure
I’m sorry
You will never hear “Mommy! Watch me on the slide!”
I’m sorry
The child you saw in your dreams will never wrap their arms around your legs for comfort
I am sorry
The testosterone will come and you will become a memory I wish to forget
I am sorry
I apologize for the people who see me as a mistake, as something disgusting
I ask myself:
Am I a mistake?
Am I disgusting?
No, I don’t think so anymore
Dear Elliana,
You had a place
Never forget that
You still do
Just not the way you planned
Yours, Taron
P.S I never hated you
Even though sometimes I wish I could
P.P.S
The one thing we both hated will soon be gone
I soon say goodbye to your cheeks!

Tragedy wraps their soft blanket around me
Their own scars I can see plainly
They are shaped like cruel words
Their soft voice whispers, "He's gone. Don't be afraid."
Their soft blanket weaves the comfort into my soul and broken heart
The animals burned in the fire come back to life
The yarn sews it's way in and replaces my veins
My heart is protected with a lock and key
Tragedy throws the key into a lake blackened by Greed and smiles, twirls their skirt, and shouts, "Come on. We've got a planet to save."

Person A: There's a lot of beautiful red apples. Why do you choose ugly and flawed apples?

Person B: Because it will be left in the basket. Someone else will take pretty ones. I'm one of the only people who will take them.

Person A: Why do you say that?

Person B: My life is always backstage.

Person A: Backstage?

Person B: There are people who are standing in front of the stage like you. Some people are behind the scenes like me. Do you know why I'm good at mixing drinks? When I watched couples do it on dates while I was alone. There's only one way to enjoy that situation for me. But you know what? When girls go on a blind date, they take me with them. To make them look prettier, they hope that I will stand at backstage.

You don’t have to hate all of your body to be trans
That’s a repeat I have to say every day but you really don’t have to
I like my broad shoulders and my curly sideburns and my singing voice
I like the way my dimples only show when I’m actually smiling and that people on the internet and at poetry readings are honestly happy for me for being out and proud
I love how my exercises have my voice even a little bit deeper and that despite not being on testosterone, I can still feel somewhat okay
I like my creative brain and how I don’t like math but am good at algebra
I like that I got my driving permit test right on one try
I like that I am slowly starting to mute my mother’s comments about my thighs and my driving and my disabilities

Title: Not My Fault

It’s summer of 2019
I haven’t gotten a job
Though I have applied to so many
Not my fault

It’s winter of 2013
I am on a bed bent backward
My skin for only his to see
Not my fault

It’s fall of 2019
I didn’t get the job at Disney
Though I met the qualifications in the resume and cover letter
Not my fault

It’s fall of 2018
I’m finally, to everyone’s eyes a boy,
But my mother speaks a different gender from her lips
Not my fault

It’s spring of 2019
It’s getting out so I put on shorts
My scars and my thighs are in full view
My mother tells me how ‘chunky’ I look
Not my fault

It’s spring of 2019
I’m graduating from high school
I’m supposed to be cheering
But instead, I am screaming soundlessly from a bathroom
The male teacher who had gotten fired the next week tells me to shut up
Not my fault

It’s summer of 2019
I’m trying to get the medication I need
So I can finally feel like a boy in my body
My father says I am boy enough with this ‘ugly *** haircut’ and my ‘giant thighs’
Not my fault

My past life was not a rosy picture
Doors slammed on my face
My heart was closed, sealing in anxiety and PTSD

‘You can write, but you’re not what we’re looking for’
‘It’s not like you can’t sing, but you don’t fit in with the vision’
‘Cut your face and we’ll consider you for our company’

Just when did ‘pretty’ become the cutline for a person?
When did someone’s job only entail dancing and looking good for the cameras?
For a chance at debuting my words on a small screen, do I lower my dignity?
Never

With my voice alone, I know I’m worthy
My passion is an everlasting beauty
If being a flower shined in the spotlight means tearing out my roots, I’d rather be moss growing in the shade
Wherever my path leads, I’ll thrive. Every obstacle will be my foundation to climb to the top

My past life was not a rosy picture
Doors slammed on my face
My heart was closed, sealing in anxiety and PTSD

‘You can write, but you’re not what we’re looking for’
‘It’s not like you can’t sing, but you don’t fit in with the vision’
‘Cut your face and we’ll consider you for our company’

I miss the days when expectations weighed less than my looks
I’m forever anxious about all the things that I lack
Scavenger hunts have turned to road maps
No time to wander or discover hidden paths

Stay the course, eyes straight ahead,
Grow up if you want to get ahead
Are we there yet? Am I there yet?
When will I cross this finish line called success?

Have you seen my childhood?
My lost innocence and dreams?
I’m searching for that wonder that made everything gleam
Like jewels in a pirate’s chest or the stars in the Milky Way
I wish I can return to those carefree days
I wish I had never changed
Why did I have to change?

I remember a handsome evil man led me to a company one day
Promising me a fortune and all my wishes met
I was a blank sheet, was too innocent for this world
Stupidly I let myself in
In doing so, I also let my legs open and my heart stretched out
I flew higher than the sky, hoping for my dreams, only to be burned
Someone, please save me

Have you seen my childhood?
My lost innocence and dreams?
I’m searching for that wonder that made everything gleam
Like jewels in a pirate’s chest or the stars in the Milky Way
I wish I can return to those carefree days
I wish I had never changed
Why did I have to change?