Body shaking
Mind creeping
Eyes crossing
Fatigue settling
Awareness diminishing
Will to live fleeting.

She asks me, "What can I get you?"
I respond, "Biggest size you've got- extra everything."
She asks me, "Is that all for you miss?"
I say, "Make that two."

I hand over my life savings eagerly,
thinking I need my fix and I need it now.

My legs shuffle forward
Lacking energy to lift themselves off the ground.

My body is humming with excitement,
Eagerness cutting through my brain,
reminding me to keep my composure until the time is right.

And then I hear it
Three syllables ringing out above the chattering.
Two large items places on the table with my name branding it like a priced possession.

My heart rate peaks.
My eyes look like two saucers about to launch off my face.
A sheen of sweat covers my body.
Saliva fills my mouth,
making my need to indulge elevated above all reason.

My legs regain their composure in a burst of energy
I dart through the crowd,
pushing and growling and hissing at everyone that stands in my way.

Until my hands wrap around the cold circumference.

My frenzied hands stir and stir and then...
Bliss.

The taste of caramel and espresso and sweet life fill my mouth and suddenly I feel a jolt.

Energy traveling down my throat, through my veins.
Jump starting my heart and rewiring my brain.

My eyes open for the first time all day
My lips lift into a smile.

I turn around and see the terrified expressions of the entire store.

I look down and for the first time realize-
My shirt is on backwards
My hair is half curled
One sandal and one tennis shoe adorn my feet.

"Oh well," I think.
Everyone knows not to mess with me before I've had my Caramel Macchiato.

He told me,
"let me read your fortune."

He brought out a mammoth tome with pages so weathered they stuck together like glue.

Yellow pages fanned out,
not held back from the binding that had already shed it like a second skin.

He said, "let me waken it up."
And ran his hands through the stiff pages,
making the book creak in protest.

He then handed it to me and told me to pick a page
I breathed in the antiquated smell and slid my thumb over the pages.
Until I landed on the one page out of the thousands that spoke out to me.

And he began to read.
It was about Newtons law of gravity.
One day he was sitting by a tree and saw an apple fall to the ground.
He noticed that something had to be pulling it down.
That the invisible force that weighs on our shoulders and keeps our feet planted firmly to the ground works on all things.

And Newton began to wonder
He wondered what made the apple ever be able to hang so high off of the ground
Even though there was always an invisible force waiting to yank you down to rock bottom.

And he realized that for gravity to exist you had to have levitation.
That you had to rise above the forces of nature and hang suspended,
rising higher and higher,
past your potential,
before the forces of gravity pull you back down to reality.

He looks into my eyes
and I see happiness.

I see walks on the beach
Rooftop views
Talks over coffee
Skinny dips and longboard slips.

I look into his eyes
and I find peace.

Peace in a world full of unanswered questions
Peace every moment we breath the same air
Or I think of his smile,
his dimples lifting up my world.

He looks into my eyes and I see love.
Love in its purest, most unrelenting form.

Love that mends my broken parts
and strengthens in my heart with every beat.

Love that covers me in a warm blanket
and makes me feel content.

Love that makes my toes curl
and my lips part
And brings perfection to my imperfect world.

His love is everything I need and all that I desire.
I can't wait for our tomorrows
of river walks, and philosophical talks.
Road trips and snowboard tricks
Puppy dates and frisbee games
Soft lips and a lingering kiss

And to be in my favorite place in the world.
In his arms with his love wrapping around me in a warm embrace.

Cuddled under a blanketed canopy,
riddled with holes making a makeshift starlit sky
Is a greasy little man named Poe.

He breathes in the stench of the city
Of the trash cans and alley cat ****.

He hears the life around him.
The beeping of passing cars
The rattle of the subway tearing through the sky
Shouts of the stumbling drunks
The whistle for a taxi
And the melodic laughter of old friends.

And he breathes.
He breathes in the frigid air around him and feels it travel through his body.
It freezes his nose, shakes his lungs
brings goose bumps to his limbs
and drives his body to shutter and shake.

And he thinks.
He thinks of a warm bath
A lit candle
A blanketed duvet
A full stomach
brushed teeth
a soft pillow
and the warm touch of a loved one.

He dreams of better places and better times.
Of a house with a roof
And a morning with a purpose.

These dreams take him to a faraway place.
And camouflage the reality of his life.

These dreams keep his heart beating
His lungs pumping
And the slightest smile to his weathered lips.

In an alley, under a blanket of misfit stars
Lays a man named Poe.

He's a vagabond.
He's a dreamer.
He's a surviver.

We run like telephone poles in the night
Darting through trees
Snaking through the sky

Reaching for the moon on our long wooden legs
Oh, how glorious we are with the moonlight glistening off of us

Beating with power
Pulsing with electricity
Arching through the air and lighting up the world around us.

Chasing an impossible dream to be fulfilled

To make that spark,
To rope in the magic suspended in the space around us.
And light the match.

That cultivates our spirit
Grounds our hopes
Cements them in the earth and
Buries them in the deep rich soil

Never to be questioned or second guessed

Oh how we grasp the air,
desperate to grab handfuls of somethings and turn them into everything
And change the world with the love and positivity we create.

How we long for the semblance of perfection amount the modern robots that surround us, rehearsing their phrases and learning the script of movie stars and socialites.
Rewriting their picturesque lives into our own realities.

And those people suspended higher then the rest of us-
constantly reminding us to jump higher,
Duck lower
Smile wider
Dip Deeper
Explore more
Love harder
Dance better
Filter everything
Raise heels
Tighten jeans
Laugh longer
Try harder

We take advantage of the miles of possibilities lining country roads and lighting up cities
Always expecting more of yourself and expecting less.

Struck down by the lighting rod of life
And burning from the inside out with unharvested potential.
Crumbling with the weight of our possibilities

And tumbling to the ground,
severed from our hopes and dreams.

Cutting off our influence
Shutting down the light in our world
And draining our surroundings of power.

Where we rot and wait for someone with a name tag and an antidote to prescribe us with a dose of energy.

Oh, how we chase our dreams into the ground

How we expect so much and accomplish so little.
How we fight for every breath to live out the ideal destiny dreamed up by society.

We run like telephone poles in the night.
Pulsing with energy and trying our best to light up the world.

It's the feeling you get
When the weight of the world is crashing down on you.

When suddenly the air is stolen from your lungs
And your heart is coughed up, still beating but crying out in pain.

It's when your gasps for breath take in the fogginess of your brain
and being sliced through with a blade of steel would cause less pain.

It's when
     your heart breaks.

The world stops breathing
You stop listening to its beat, beat, beating.
Because there is no way in this moment that people are smiling, or happy, or complete.

It's that moment of absolute silence,
when the ticking of the clock and your heart stop beating in tandem.
And you want desperately to grab onto the hands of time. Grip onto the hands of your lost lover.
And turn back time.
And relive every happy moment.
       Again and again.

It's when you're in a concrete castle.
Completely aware of the people around you,
but unwilling to reach out for help.

Completely isolated and confined
Wanting and waiting and hoping and dreaming for that moment when the concrete castle crumbles
People come to comfort you,
the hands on the clock start turning forward
your heart stops screaming,
and you can breathe in life again.

On an island
   in the sea
      is where you will find me

All alone
  with no one to hold
       is how I will be

Always searching
    but never finding
         that person inside of me

That will
    love less
          but be more

of that someone
    people are trying
         to find in me

Never seeing
   but always searching
       for what makes me complete

Because making those around me happy
   is how happiness
       will find me.

I feel like i am imprisoned
There are bars encasing my heart
They are constricting
and suffocating
and debilitating

And i can't take a full enough breath
to laugh
Or be able to will myself
to smile

I feel contained in a separate world
Always looking in through the bars i am enclosed in.

I am limited
to limited happiness.
And i am keeping myself
from loving you more
or loving you less.

Always in a constant struggle to keep a balance
where neither of us gets hurt.

I see the world
through a small lens

so the robust
and infinite hugeness
of it
won't completely terrify me.

There is this girl that I know.
She dreams in large doses that swallow her up.

She shies away from reality
as consistently as she shies away from me.

She sees the world in black and white,
with paper clouds and dull surroundings
Even when I tell her of all of the colors.

And she always clings to the possibility of love and acceptance,
as if they are the origin of her beating heart.

But still she believes
The world is a big and scary place, waiting to consume her.
That all of the possibilities it holds pressure her to be better, to excel.

She takes the things she has for granted,
and believes that happiness is something that takes an army to achieve,
And she doesn’t have a kingdom.

But how she is wrong,
Her dreams are made up of a gifted imagination that can take her anywhere.
Reality is nothing to fear, nor something to fight.
And the world is her canvas, ready to absorb whatever she desires.

She has nothing to fear,
The world is herbivorous, and feasts on happy endings.
All that’s asked of her is to be sincere and experience happiness,
no matter where that takes her.

But mostly what she doesn’t understand,
Is that she is surrounded by soldiers ready to fulfill their duty.
That love and care for every piece of her,
Honorable or
morose.
And as long as they are there to guide her,
she is invincible.

To live in this beautiful free world,
Is to live in an abode of possibilities.

Were the trees whisper secrets,
bending their skeletal bones to achieve their one desire.

The wind carries life on diverging paths,
Not knowing which direction it is taking till the last possible moment.

Were the sun cakes you with memories,
and allows you to dream of freedom in the most ambiguous ways possible.

Where water carries a current that steals away your troubles,
Carrying them down the winding river frigid with savage desires.
And the rush,
Rush of water is like blood, coursing through your veins and carrying
full responsibility for your parched temptations.

These are things that you never see-
You never appreciate.
Even when these images and feelings and thoughts are POUNDING on your eyelids,
Attempting to find sanctuary in your mind.

Open yourself up, and
Feel the glory of life.

Because the one thing you never do is appreciate the dips and curves and mountains and valleys and
Oceans
Of people.
It contains.

We were talking about me getting a car.
A shiny new piece of metal on wheels
Or a clunk
clunk
clunk
clunker that carries my weight
and take me far
far
far
far
away.

But then life got in the way.
And there was a knock
knock
knock
knock
on the door.
And it was answered.
and words were said.

and I fell to pieces
by the weight
of
those
words.
I used to think that things got better before they got worse.
That dreams were drempt and it took so
so
so
so
long to make it to the bottom
of all bottoms.

That it was a gradual fall that took time,
so many
ticks
of a
clock.

And
beats
of a
heart.

But I seem to just now be learning
how impossible
it is
to stay afloat
in the raging rivers
that constantly beat me down,
called life.

I’m chasing myself in circles.
Running
Darting
Spinning
Out of control

To attempt to destroy
And to succeed in destroying

I don’t like how I feel.
And stopping it is the only solution my confused mind can conclude.

So I chase
I follow, and long for,
And go insane with the desire to quench my negative thoughts.

I just hope one day,
That this tail that I am constantly chasing,
Will grow an inch
And find itself
Crushed between my teeth.

I had an Elephant when I was little.
It was my favorite companion,
And was small in size but large in life.

He cradled my heart in his plush paws,
And held my world apron his back.

It was well worn with Love and Memory,
And wore the weight of my troubles as a skin.

His color was blue, and was just big enough to hold close.


I had an Elephant when I was little.

He was small, yet large.
He held my heart and my world,
And was a silent hero with no pay.

It's skin was worn with memories,
And it was just big enough to hold close.

I had an Elephant when I was little.
Have you seen it?

Because I am lost without it.

My wants
are taken from me.

My needs are controlled.

I feel trapped in this Free World.
And nothing I do can quench my impossible desires.

I am starved.
And my exhausted body is slowly breaking down.

Because it can no longer carry my being.
My body is so broken I do not have the strength to carry on.

I have convinced myself that life is a punishment, not a gift.
And
I
am
Falling.

But you caught me.
You didn't let me fall.

YOU saved me in my weakest moment.
And without you, I would be lost in oblivion
Too dead to even dream of living.

So Thank You,
By saving me and giving me the gift of life,
You became my Hero.

Pain rivets within me.
It takes on a form I cannot penetrate,
and spreads throughout every part of me.
Taking all good with it.

I have long since been dead.

And my body has been trampled on by the feet of my foes.

But still my Spirit Lingers,
Waiting to finally be set free.
Of This Curse.

Everything Beautiful inside of me is taken.

Everything that framed my body has cracked.

Everything that once molded who I was and what I wanted to become has shattered.

Everything healthy inside of me has hollowed out and left completly.
And I feel dead inside.

So I curse my features,
       For they do not follow suit.

And I am broken.

But a solid mask is stuck in place,
masking my truths from any followers.

So I stay peaced together.

Hiding from my true form.


*So well that I hide from myself

This world consumes me.
It devours me and weakens me.

Everything I do and say is seen through thousands of eyes
Every mistake I make adds to the problems of the people around me.

So I fight to stay standing,
I fight to stay strong,
And I fight to be perfect.

Not only do I strive for perfection,
I overlook my pain.
I overlook my happiness.
And I overlook my life.

For you.

I am tired of being weak.
I used to think that I was strong.
That I could conquer even the biggest problems.

But I have come to the realization that my pain,
was caused by my weaknesses.

I am not strong, I am not courageous.

I am frail.

And at this moment, I seem to be at the point of breaking.

Because even though I have fought for peace.

Pain and sorrow still follow me. And they always beat me.

What do I do?
  I will continue to live, but How can I live Happily?

There is a difference in the world.
The air is sharper,
The days are brighter.
My smiles are true,
And happiness seems to radiate off of me.

And life is easier to bare.

But there are still times.
Times were I lose myself.
I lose myself in the world I escaped.

I am lost in hell.


And I want more than anything to get out.

But I am slipping.
The strong hold I thought I had has failed me.
I have plunged into my fears.

And I desperately trying to re-surface.
Trying to take a breath of the fresh air.
Take in the colors of the world I was forced out of.
  The world I long to return to.

I find myself frantically searching for a way out,
Searching for the hand that will reach in and rescue me.

I run.
I scream.
I cut and yell and KICK

But I am lost,
I am stuck.

And in those times I feel like I am dying.
I feel like I cannot trust life and the obstacles that are thrown at me.

So I sink.

And I hope,
that somewhere out there, a miracle will find me.

And save me.

Here I am,
as one person.

As one being.

Expecting the world to change around me,
  Before I change myself.

I feel selfish,
  thinking that I would drop everything I know without hesitation
Just for a different place in the world.

because let's face it;

   I am just another player.
And this game we call life is so much bigger than me.

I have won this game.
oh, Have I won this game.

You threw hell at me, with full force.

I may have stumbled, but I am still standing.

And everyday, when I realize that I could have failed.

I think of you, how I left you there, only a bad memory.
I think of my Complete Victory.
And
How
I
Beat
You.

This Is How I Know.*

How I know
            I have finally lost this game.

But not only have I come to my end,
I have lost my way.

I have lost my strength
and my freedom.

Afraid,
          Perhaps
Of how this game not only changes the plot,
But also the player.

I am fragile.
But I am strong.

You are Alive,
but struggle to stay standing.

You have Spirit,
But only on the days vulnerability and insecurity aren't constant companions.

But my world has changed.
Utterly and Completly.

While yours remains the same.

Too much to Bare

Too much to Carry

Too Long to HOLD


And you just stand there watching.

Standing there-
Staring at my reflection,
I actually see
Myself for the first time in years.

My body and my mind are finally one again.

My Blue Eyes

The Freckles on my face

The Dimples of my cheeks

The waves of my hair


These things have always been mine.
**Finally feel like they belong.

Show me a story.
Show me a story were anything
and EVERYTHING
is a surprise.

A story were nothing is expected.
Where I can relish and crowd myself with
Envy because of the adventures
I am discovering.

It may not be first-hand,
as I wish.

But it is as close as I can get
to this world I long to thrive in.

And it is as far as I can get,
from the predictable reality everyone lives.

Making Easy Lives seem like Constant Battles.

I Have Been Fighting This Battle

My opponent is *5 times my size,
and 50 times my strength.

And as the fight goes on,
it begins to grow.
And I begin to shrink.

So before long it is towering over me.

STOMPING OUT all the fight I have left.


In this game the hero looses.

But the Devil goes down with me,
because without the fight,
or the victim.

*The Devil has no peace.

If my fight is over,
Then why does it feel
Like I am running a Marathon?

Why does it always feel like I am
Desperate for air, wanting this fight to be over?

Why does it always feel like I am
looking for a way around the challenges
that are constantly being thrown in my direction?

Why do I always feel weak,
But strong enough to admit it?


*Because you are living life.
And in life you are always running,
even if nothing is chasing you.

I love you comfort
I love you control
I love you Stranger

And I want you to know

That my thoughts
are with you,
every step of the way.

And I would like to guide you
To the place
You
     Long
            To
               Stay

Hear my Scream
As I am taken from this world.
This world I call my own.

Hear my scream
As I fight for my survival.

And feel my PAIN
as I lose the battle.

And longer belong to myself.

I have changed,
My BODY is
no longer part of
        my MIND

It has its own actions.
And chooses to TAKE
all the strength from my soul.

So notice as I fall.
      And finally break.


Because my sacrifice has been made.
What good is life

If I am
living hell.

I just keep Falling.
I just keep Dropping.

I am only a heavy weight,
About to have LIFE KNOCKED out of me.

And as the distance to the ground constantly changes

I cannot help but wonder
if I should be
Terrified
or
Satisfied.

With the way...
This story ends.

I want to be free again.
I want to stretch my wings and FLY

I want to feel freedom again
Conviction
Strength
Faith

And though it may feel as though Pandora's box has opened,
hope still remains.

This curse may take my body,
but it has not yet touched my spirit.

I beg it to stay this way.

The pain consumes every part of me.

And I cannot help but think
of what could fill these Open Spaces.

Where I am turned inside myself,
trying to hide from what I am missing.

There are no open spaces,
only confined places.

The ends meet,
but never open.

And every time I rise to conquer
I am pushed back down again.
Slammed into a hidden place inside me,
alone with my thoughts.

*As though falling through a trap door.

Beneath this cloak of darkness,
I feel a hand.

A hand that guides me,
and defines me.

And when that hand's grasp loosens,
I am shot back to oblivion.

Too lost to be found.

The world seems unbalanced.
As I fall.

All truths and all knowledge
Seem to bend and change around me.


I have kept so many secrets

That nothing is spoken.

And nothing is known.


As I fall this great distance,
Knowing I will break.

All I can think is that the world has changed around me,
And will not wait.

As I stop to mend my broken body.

I can't breath.

I can't think.

     I am lost.
     I am trapped.

Things are constantly taken from me.

And no one notices that as I walk,

There is a trail of pieces following.
Pieces of myself and my capabilities.

And I retrace my steps,
trying to collect the pieces.

But when I return to my present state,
my companions have left me far behind.

Not willing to wait for a weak follower.

Death has a way of following me.

He sees me in my most vulnerable moments,
                 Watches as life finds a way to cut through me.

And Death Watches

While the life
                          fades
                                      from my being

Closing OUT
both Thoughts and Actions.

And Death Welcomes Me
          as I move toward him,
Becoming familiar with this new place.

So I join Death.

  And except my new form.


Life

         only leaving behind the sound

                                                          of its beating wings.

I see the world through glass.

Glass that reflects who I am.
Glass that guides my every movement.
Glass that keeps me from believing.

And only breaks when pain comes,
                                                                      
                           forcing reality.

Fight young warrior.
Use your strength and fight.

Show your blade, and carve a picture.

Prove your stature.
And gain your confidence.

Because life is ready.
And life always fights back.

It doesn’t feel real.
And I can only hope it never will.
But on those few moments my mind opens up to reveal the truth.

I can’t breath.
I feel like I will explode.

And I let the tears come,
drowning me in my own self pity.

I find no use for the way things are now,
without you as witness to my actions.

But I know better than to give up on my chance at this life because of your weakness.

It might **** my being,
but I will always fight to stay living.

Until the ultimate outcome of time retires me.

My World* is darkness
      My World is hollow
My World is strained
      My World is cold

My World Lingers.
       Lingers before me,
Reminding me of who I really am.


My World Dances.
        Dances through time.
Not knowing when to let the music stop,
Not wanting reality to wander any closer.


My World is empty.
        Empty of reason.
Empty of any feeling but doubt.


My World is small.
        So small it turns inside itself,
Not wanting anything to escape.


My World is trapped.
        Trapped in space.
Away from everything but what I try to believe.


My World sleeps.
        Many hours, and Many days.
Not giving any clues on when it wishes to awaken.


Kept warm by a small blanket

                    That covers all its fears.

I am trapped.

Everywhere looks the same,
Where nothing looks diffrent.

And I am stripped bare
of any sences and courage.

Because the colossal beast confining me holds it.

Just hold my hand.

Just hold my shaking hand as I step out of the darkness,
And I will see you.

Just reach out to me in my moment of need,
And I will be yours.

Just follow me through my own demise,
Help me reach the point of shattering.
And I will give to you.

Just push me

And notice me as I fall.

And you can take everything from me.


Watch me fall.


Watch me fall off the edge of this world,
Because this world towers over me.

And I shrink before its height,
Not knowing when to stop hiding.



Just hold my hand
And I will be yours.

Grow with me.

See the  world as a stronger person,
each day.

Together we will take on new actions.

And discover new meanings.

And we will live life to the fullest,

Because we know no other way.

I am a writer.

I mend words until they reach their greatest potential.

And I break the worlds down to become pieces of the puzzle I build,

*Creating something beautiful.

I will fill these pages with my heart.

They beat with me.

So do not bring these worlds to shame,
for they are closer to me than the blood running through my veins.

These pages will be filled.

On them will be my eyes as I see them,

And my world as it will always be.

The only thing that relics my past is the
Same heart pumping blood,
The same lungs breathing air.

The skin on my bones has been
weathered down,
scarred,
and painted with memories.

The lashes of my eyes have shed themselves,
The distance to the ground
constantly changing.

My bones have bent and eroded.
My spine has lurched in order to carry my burdens.
And my brain has begun to burst with all I have conveyed.

Although time affects my body; it only makes my soul expand,
excepting the challenge to grow out of this life,
and into the next.

I am full.
Filled to the top.

Teetering on the edge of my own demise.

If you push me,
I fall.

If your breath,
I jump.

So watch yourself,
because I have lost control.

I am blind.

My feelings have boiled over.

And it feels only human to express them.

Unravel yourself girl,
Show me your ways and your purpose.

Fly with me girl,
Show me your limits and weakness

Speak to me girl,
Tell me your lies and your memories.

Come with me girl,
Bring your fears and your strengths out of the shadows.

Reveal yourself girl,
Strip off your layers of dignity and confidence.

Show me who you are in all ways.

Because you girl,
Are Perfect.