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Sia Jane Oct 2015
It's hard to write a poem
When there's nothing going on
It's hard to think of what to say
When you've given most of it away

As poets we never scratch the surface
We delve within, disclose our deepest sin
We crave our pain, declare it's for our art
Yet more often than not have no idea where to start

But start we do and start we must
A deep desire in all of us
To spill out on the written page
What little bit we have tried to save

Ink now is the poets blood
Fragments of self pour from within
Silence is our safety net
To stop us from bleeding out

Although it's hard to write a poem
With nothing going on
We still find words to form a verse
From deep within our marrow bone

Work © Mike Hauser & © Sia Jane
Mike opened this piece and we went from there.
Hope you enjoy this Hello Poetry collaboration too :)

It goes without saying, just how honoured we are to have this as Daily <3
Y'all are the greatest <3
Thank you so much <3
Sia Jane Nov 2014
Your love again,
                         caught me off guard
An invasion of,
                         the very same body
snatches,
that once again
emphatically dominated every
white cell.

Defences beaten,
                           down to
                                        the bare bones.

A hospital room
                          for broken hearts reserved.

Time stands still,
                           not even
the ticking of a clock
to count the days
til the grave I will fly.

A tombstone engraved -
She never would learn


© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Sep 2014
You're just like
All those
Who came
Before.
Only needing me
Because you like to keep
Me pretty; & you always
Said, a repeated voice
In my head;
"You're pretty when you cry."
Smeared make up
Mascara; black shaped
Tear drops,
You'd wipe
From the pink
Blushed cheeks
You so loved to
Kiss, oh what such
Appeal;
My weaknesses
Broke me down.
Exploiting me
Was the high
A drug, in the past
Enticed.
Kissing your lips,
I bite;
My mark remained
In the groan of pain.
Pleasure arching,
Your back.
A kiss,
A slap,
Power or glory,
You repeated
The same old
Story.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Nov 2014
I am not yet defiled; O hear me.
Let not the crazed hornets or serpents or ophidian or the
   buzzard bee come near me.

I am not yet defiled; console me.
I fear that the snake charmer may with rhythmic body clocks clock me,
   with predatory hissing paralyze me, with authoritative power anger me,
      on wicker constraints constrain me, in bamboo-patches pierce me.

I am not yet defiled; provide me
With beauty to free me, dressage to cover me, silence to come
   to me, souls to save me, charmers and angels
     in my wandering existence seeking fights to waver the war within me.

I am not yet defiled; forgive me
For the provocative glances in me, my presence when womanity holds me,
   my mythological beauty by deities beyond me,
      my head held high when they slay by means of my
         crossbow, my addiction when they poison me.

I am not yet defiled; rehearse me
In the dreams and the prayers I must take when
   art interrupts me, material disturbs me, splintered souls
     gaze at me, smiles fade at me, the knifes edge
       stains me and everlasting scars pain
         me to shame and the shames taints
           my skin and my heart abandons me.

I am not yet defiled; O hear me,
Let not Perseus who is warrior or who thinks he is King
     or a rival to me.

I am not yet defiled; O fill me
With gasoline against those who would inhabit my
  bones, would sink me into empty caverns,
    would make me a prisoner locked, a monster with
      blood dripping, a monster, and a passer of dis-ease
        who would execute my self, would
          flush me like ***** oozing and
            ***** and ooze and *****
              like alcohol seeping in the
                pores would drown me.

Let Poseidan not make me defiled and let him not **** me.
Otherwise **** me.

© Sia Jane
I cannot lay claims for all this poem. I did spend many hours last night, taking a Louis MacNeice poem, called "Prayer before Birth" http://www.poetryarchive.org/poem/prayer-birth, and adapting it to the story of Medussa. This is the outcome.
Sia Jane Mar 2016
For hours, I tried to sleep.
The rain drums down on the tin roof;
the demons are knocking.
I see their tears stream down the window;
a cleverly designed artifice to distract
from their true intent.
I ignore their subtle attacks, but they always
find a way back in.
I watch their shadows drift in through
the windows;
morphing from one shape into another,
hovering around me,
their whispered breaths cloud the air –
there is barely a space unfilled by their presence.
I can’t seem to chase them away, and I’m
wrapped up into their world.
Empty, cold and alone,
my reality remains stranger than any dream.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Feb 2015
"Who am I, mother?
Who am I and what do I do?"

–Norman to his mother Norma, "Bates Motel"

And so it goes, a split self - the protagonist defending the darkness as
Bizarre murders satisfy obsessions of a mothers love, taking a
Chefs knife, stabbing victims to death.

Dualistic wars within, a helpless man whose mother taught him of the
"Evils of women," instilling her own moralities of their wickedness.

Fostering the antagonistic personality of his mother
Giving to his incomplete soul a sense of wholeness.

Hidden behind the boy next door innocence, a terrified man
Incarcerated; locked & bolted
Juddering with fear - promising to adhere - set free said to be "cured."

Kleptomania returns; unearthing bodies from their graves, stealing skulls; a comforting souvenir, as
Loving anyone meant destroying them also.

Multiple personalities dominate him
Norman Bates becomes Norma; his mothers persona, crawling into her skin
Originating from their very kiss, kick starting a timeless love affair

Paraphernalia of skins tanned, butchered conquests -keepsakes turned to art & now protecting an un
Quiet mind
Reasons pertaining to mental insanity
Sectioned to institutions

Taxidermy as a young boy fascinated his mind
Urges to **** & fill, feeding euphoric highs, & even
Vertigo.
Women thrilled him; their smell lingered on each garment he kept.

Xenos to himself; who, am I mother?
Youth denied, cried away
Zenith ended; his final resting place behind the bars of Mendona Mental Health Institution, 1984.

© Sia Jane
Class challenge of an Abecedarius poem <3
Sia Jane Dec 2013
I write because
you
inspire my voice
inspire my words

Sitting with legs curled
under cushions covering chairs
the sound of crickets

The goddess statues
turning and smiling
waving and moving
hallucinate

Glancing to the side
lights flicker through
burning candle light
fire

I never wanted for the
hopeless romantic in me
to fall in love so easily
seduced

Daily I would wonder
about
her holding me tight
her embrace
release

Maybe it was the words said
or days I would spend
my time wondering of
her

Maybe a place from home
inspired my spirit
enlightened my heart
beating

Happiness was no longer
a temporary state but
induced by every thought
I would have of
her

It's always about
her
she has become everything
nothing less

I sip my wine
I remember I'm in
love
Nothing can fight this
nothing will lose this
rapture

Her.

© Sia Jane

---

COME, BE WITH ME. SIT WITH ME AT MY TABLE; JOIN ME IN RAPTURE. AND BRING YOUR CUTE FRIEND TOO.”
― Daniel Keidl
Sia Jane Sep 2014
I'm alive
it's a loss of
An older
Self.
A loss of
liberties
Indoctrinated.
Souls fallen
sick, indoctrinating
others
Of
vulnerabities
unseen to
many.
Prying into
affairs, private
Locked
in boxes.
Ribs caging
a
Heart
filled of
secrets &
sorrows.
X ray vision
ghosts made
Visible.
A mirror of
self
seen, heard
all senses
Disturbed.

I'm alive.
I'm liberated.
Ambrosial; celestial
a being of
Spirit.
A rejoiced
Self.
Visualised by
energy
circulating
dispersing within
Me.
Beyond me.

I'm alive.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Feb 2014
Under my bed, hid
a tendered angel,
who had
broken wings,
and she was,
terrified to move
for all she knew
was to
fly.

She sat,
knees wrapped,
to her
chest, crystal tears,
dropping to
her pastel pink
woven
and embroidery
dress.

She looked,
glancing at me
saying she
swam,
in the pools
of her own
tears,
and that she
lost strength.

Her endeavours to
swim further,
were stinted,
she was forced
to be,
parsimonious
and so,
she closed her eyes
letting go.

When she woke,
she found herself,
in darkness, only
the moon lit,
her darkened
space,
phrenic activity
haunting her
mind.

As delicately as,
my body
allowed,
I lay flat down,
so not to scare, her
reaching out,
I collect broken glass,
shattered wings,
bleeding from her.

(The angel was called Rebelle Fleur, she allowed me to ever so carefully, take her from under the bed, and to hold her, with grace and elegance, she lifted her tiny frame, and stood, without her wings, and ever so softly whispered her name, asking me to help fix her wings, so she could once again fly and be free)

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Nov 2013
Who do you pray to?
on my knees
palms forced together
leaning against the wall
my head touching
raw cold paint.
I speak out loud
whispering voices inside
my head & my heart
continuing to speak
courage is summoned
chattering out words
sentences slowly forming.
I am asking questions impossible
praying to a god
that I don't even know I
believe in
yet so many nights
down on my knees
finding myself mid prayer.
I realise my hypocrisy
as I only ever grace a god
when struggles tear me apart
knock me down
or jubilations, thanking above
secrets from this soul.
I spend over thirty minutes
on these knees, bruised, worn
from day after day of prayer
gravel floors & concrete walls
creatures crawling everywhere.
I beg for forgiveness for those
sins I assumed committed
tears in my eyes
welling & glassy
forgive me lord I have sinned.
I promise to do better, be better
wiping the tears my fingers
covered in black
mascara smears across
the sinner or the saints face.
I'm still on my knees
resembling those at
the wailing wall
my nose & right cheek
pressed to the side
not only praying but
wishing, hoping, a sight
close to begging.
I wonder where I lost
my pride
if anyone were to see me
my life would surely end
a single drop is all I need
for the simplistic to keep
me safe from my own heart
its sorrows, loves & all who
penetrate my attempted
rhino thick skin.
I even talk to god about
love
there is no company in
this girls story
she talks aloud of love
of passion, words I would
never dare share with another.
I am caught between four walls
this room has heard
so much in the decades gone
confessions
blood smeared walls
the names of past lovers
spelled out
my heartbreak, take away
that tourniquet that allows
the cleansing of my soul
cathartic bleeding, wash away
the monsters below the skin
ivory skin, silver scars marked
a sketched out story
on me, and on the walls
of this cage.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Nov 2013
**** head, struggling for breath
Final hit, before the red
Light flashes, warning to stop
Over dose, **** the innards
She never chose to lose this
Battle, between herself & it
Where'd she go, lost in space
Chasing herself, a dog with his tail
Praying to an above, to lead her
Straight laced, not swerving off track
Please God save me, her last plea
Before another day dawns, her final wish
Sketcher, tweaker, where's that syringe
The lights too bright, reality a curse
Rolled up in rehab, another ghetto kid
Not this girl, high class, white, moneyed
Lost to the night, speed freak, hopeless
Drowning in addiction, using again
Chemical structures defining her fate
Her brain the game
Disfigured face, unrecognizable eyes
Family love, isn't ever enough
Rushed to ER, another broken soul
Promises that drugs will save her
When only she can ever
Save herself
This time, she's not another life
Lost
The Gods sure blessed her, not with
Her wish
So she's packaged off to rehab
The third times a charm, right?

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Apr 2014
I have been found
All at once,
Bad form

How terrifying this ordeal
She comes back,
Infinite resurrection

My hands are given
She persecutes me,
Foolish again

The last of you
Power fades away,
I'm taken

If this life is,
a carnival
I sure as hell,
pulled a
Straw so very short,

I'm the invincible thrill,
the roller coaster,

Detour,
one door

You guess it?

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Aug 2014
It’s one of those stories told through a sole picture, yet captures a time & place I’ll never forget. The old cliché; a picture can tell a thousand stories. Well, this one can tell one of those.

I was happy & sad, the two co-existed. A duality of such extreme emotions. The dress was of fabric so constrained, in my head I held the image of my Godmother when I witnessed her forced into a straightjacket when she was committed to the asylum. The one so derelict & haunting.

I was dictated to in the same ways I saw the nurses treat Nouna…the shouting, the noise, the pushing, touching, all feeling like restraints.
The lies I told, mirrored her lies. Denying suffering & hiding behind a mask. Glassy eyed hooked on *******. You see, it kept me thin in that “Size Zero” era. If your bones didn’t show, you didn’t show. Fashion & modelling was never a passion, it was more a necessity, even an addiction.

In this picture, the dress was used for a dark auteurist film exposing the true nature of obsession. Voyeurism haunted me. Blissfully unaware I roamed the streets, kept the blinds to my apartment unclosed. It was then I realised; unless a flash of a camera were present, I felt alone. Disturbingly alone. With no lights I was nothing. I became as addicted to the paparazzi as I had to the drugs I was inhaling each morning, noon & night.
I was terrified by fame, & terrified by the fear of being forgotten. I sold my soul to the devil & in true honesty, I never got it back.

Back then I was chained & shackled, a spirit as broken as an elephants. I may not have been beaten with sticks or chains. I was broken. I became submissive. A simple puppet of the play called “Life.” At least, the only life I knew.

© Sia Jane
Based on another fashion drawing by;https://www.facebook.com/GiaDarcadiaArt
They haven't been combined yet but they will and they then will be shown here too;
https://www.facebook.com/Siajanewords
Sia Jane Mar 2014
You are not the first,
I loved,
Or even maybe
The last,
(I lie, you're the one)

I want your heart,
To capture,
Your soul, such
Sweet rapture,
(I swear, you can trust in me)

I wait in the spaces,
Distances between,
Land & sea, left
Caged unfree,
(I promise, you set me free)

Maybe we once met,
Birthday parties,
Smiling & laughing, kids
Skating parks,
(Remember how you saved me)

You sent me a smile,
Guiding me,
Holding my hand, you
Lifted me,
(Did I even thank you)

Always admiring your,
Relentless determination,
A mere stranger, who
You loved,
(I love you more)

I know this is past,
Imagined insane,
Know you now, my
Clambering mind,
(Are you just a dream)

I fell in love with you,
First sight,
No turning back, a
Massive attack,
(Did we meet at another time)

To find you back in,
My sight,
That first night, a
Drawing mind,
(Dreamscape, dreamscape, dreamscape)

You are all that I,
Dream of,
Every single night, when
You're quiet,
(Let it be, let it be, let it be)

You are all that matters to me,
as honest as the words I type,
sing,
or write.
I don't ever want to see,
you out of sight.
You seem so familiar,
a stranger set alight,
I see from afar,
someone known in flight.

© Sia Jane
"Wanderlust" by Sia Jane Lloyd available via all Amazon stores

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Wanderlust-she-travels-her-mind/dp/1492952346/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid;=1392582925&sr;=8-1&keywords;=sia+jane+lloyd

Also visit:
www.facebook.com/Siajanewords
siajanewords.blogspot.co.uk
Sia Jane Aug 2014
I wish it was possible
   to measure
the intangible
   feelings of truth
   words of raw lived
emotion
    as you sat
holding
     that which was
at once
     body
             mind
                     soul.
Listening
     to a
           heartbeat, I dared
letting go for
           the risk
of
all
    I believed would,
hold all my gold.
To never forget,
     remembering the
                  f
                    a
                  ­    l
                       l

of love,
    gently caressing
soft faces
       as diamond eyes
shone,
      sinking
        anchored souls held
                 captive,
to Cupid's bow,
                  spearing on
deadly kisses, fists
        torturing winged broken
           sparrow, delicate,
as the petals,
        butterflies so lightly
touch,
        resisting & enduring elements.
& I go back to,
        why my human
                   capacity for
        suffering is so
meager?
when
        rose petals
                   deadly thorns,
I too posses.
       & I wonder
how even a beheaded
rose,
       the essence of
it's whole being
stripped,
       does survive,
                 ripped, parted,
       separated.
Because, my flesh,
thorns & shell
remains; my heart,
        soul,
as delicate as roses
        red petals,
is trusted to live
on
also.
& when you too,
took the best of me,
the beauty of all,
         I am; for now
I am as
dead, void & empty,
         as the once
flowering plant.
Except you'll always
posses, the delicate
          in me, never
                  allowing re-blossom
for I am
          now gone.
This rose plant,
survived the harsh
         weathering, but
we all finally
          wilt; therefore dying.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Sep 2014
Perhaps gratitude;
blessed by an
all telling moon,
dragging such subconscious
thought, to the surface
could suffice.
A momentary crisis
this poet; elegiac in mood,
amour propre; a deadly
reliance upon dragons
caged by their own
circumstance.
Blowing fire,
but not until
seductively, their
deviled selves
masqueraded;
abounding self pity
virtuously disguised,
lachrymose stories.
"Come a little closer..."
she was told.
Trusted, naive girl,
bitten, burnt
touching, hand in fire.
"This time will be different."
she was told.
And,
the girl, lost, in
bubble dreams, born
of, raging storms
believed; that love was true.
This princess of,
masochistic pain,
nothing blood red,
gushing, just
invisible violence.
"Believe me when I say;
you're the best I've ever had."

she was told.
Vertigo; medicated
by love, sailing back to
shore, cutting the rope
knife in hand, promised lands.
Scenes of lamination; screams;
she forgot...
The moon dropping low,
honey dew, stars flew -
she awoke,
to the knowledge of,
all her subconscious knew;
whispering;
"The dragon resided in only you."

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Dec 2015
He said:
“In the dark night of my soul
I stayed with my darkness.
When a pain struck voice
Came to me, I did not chase
My demons away.
Thinking of all, the suffering I’ve endured
I walked through the street of my past
Solemnly, soberly,
Witnessing all my experiences again.
Before me, light reflected on the pavement –
Iridescent fragments joined to form
Pictures below my feet.
Stories from my childhood played
Like a movie on the ground,
I’m the star of my own show,
I’m powering through each scene
With such verocity I leave nothing
But ruins in my wake.
I reach to pick up the fragments
Of the life of a girl unhinged -
To think my own mind had led me to this.
I wipe the tears from my eyes,
Then, I pass on.

In the dark night of my soul
I stay with my darkness,
For it has so much to teach me
And I learn, so little, if I flee.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Jul 2014
Shhhh don't say a word,
You must remain unspoken, unheard, mute,
Red lipstick, blood painted nails,
As hidden as a veil,
Of love locked smiles,
Tears within,
Laughter a spinning enduring sin.

Fake it, make it, clambering in,
Never will you escape it.

Distance draws nearer,
Hearing voices harder.

Your silence resounds,
In the empty hollows,
Of a lost lovers tunnel.

Bridges need building,
To ensure,
The two,
Are not lost, in oceans apart,
But brought together,
By rapid crashing waves,
A lovers ship-to-shore call,
Saved love forborne.

© Sia Jane
For original sketch and words see;
https://m.facebook.com/Siajanewords?refsrc=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.co.uk%2F&_rdr

Thanks guys ***
Sia Jane Apr 2014
Sandman, Sandman
Disallow the haunting
Of dreams so
terrifying.

Sandman, Sandman
Insomnia lives within
Of Hans Christian Anderson tales
release.

Sandman, Sandman
Gently falling asleep
Of Ole Lukøje folk
tales.

Sandman, Sandman
Mythic creature allow
Of fearlessly opened
eyes.

Sandman, Sandman
Sprinkle thy sand
Beneath the colored
umbrella.

Sandman, Sandman
Children dream deeply
Of magical stories
Goodnight.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Sep 2013
There's a girl out there
Who in her
Hopes and dreams
Writes to you
Every day with, the wish
One day you, she will
Be able to reach
The one she writes to
She doesn't, know how
To not write to her
Who occupies her
Every thought
Day and night
There are many who
Say love is a tragedy
And maybe she is the
Very tragedy, herself
Her walls built so high
The woman hiding in
The dunes of adolescence
She fears reaching above
Herself
To touch the hand of
The one
She so desperately is
Occupied by
But writing of love is so
Cliched, is she not right
To sketch out her heartache
Heartbreak
Not the butterflies, fireflies
Which sit within her
Unaccustomed to
The body
They lay
Within.

On your (my) mind.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Feb 2014
I met him that Tuesday,
tearing myself from the sheets,
that encased the wounded,
tired, old and heavy body.

I stepped onto the,
cold ice like bathroom floor,
shivering, as if awoken,
from the deepest of slumbers.

Tracing the marks on my face,
the mirror told the tale,
of a loss of sleep through,
the evening night, to a new dawn.

As I dressed, I remembered that,
even his smile, embrace, shine in,
those amazing brown eyes, is
enough motivation to break the wave.

The darkest of clouds, haunting
me, from such a tender age,
always emerging when I, truly
needed to carry on with a smile.

The heavens opened, journey into
the lands of hills, nature, country
pubs, the ones you find in the midst
of unknown lands, a pub every mile.

I see his eyes glisten, in the brightness
of the light sun, and he smiles, he
moves from the car, and holds me
so tight I flinch, I force a longer embrace.

Lunch passes by, too quickly,
there is never enough, light, hours,
time in the day, as his tales told with,
words, run with such fluidity.

He can tell a thousand tales, to which
I will never tire, this man is one
of those greats, idiolising him,
I gain strength, reserve, courage.

Grandad, I love you more than,
I ever believed I could, someone,
so special, he barely knows himself.

Today, I want to thank you,
for without knowing, always,
and forever, supporting me.

The day you brought the sun flowers,
after that suicide attempt.
We never spoke of that fateful day.

I was drug induced when you came,
but I remember your smile,
embrace,
eyes,
and of course,
those delightful and all meaningful,
sunflowers.

They took such pride of place,
in that empty hospital room.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Oct 2013
Biting the lip
the same place
as a
child

Ever since that
fall, she had
always bit
sharply

When she fell
a scar cut
deep, leaving behind
tissue

Never healing it
was always so
raw, ripped and
sore

The blood tasted
of metal coins
cold and sweet
bitter

Now in her
thirties, she chews
on the same
flesh

Despite the surgery
the wound remained
old habits
unbroken

Tonight she bites
down, and tastes
her childhood
pain

Even now she
cannot escape all
the masochistic
ways

The pain, though
dull, reminds her
she is here
alive.


© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Apr 2016
When you've lived between the shadows
Only awakening the true self
When the sky casts a dark net
Shielding any visibility
When you've not switched a light
On to the colour of your soul
Terrified of knowing
The vicissitudes of the seasons
Within your own heart
It takes a mighty girl to rise
To look herself in the eye
No longer whispering those lies
To face her own truth*

© Sia Jane
15/4/16
Day 15 of a "Poem a Day" for April 2016
Sia Jane Mar 2014
Love bug, lady crush, peeking through a midnight sky,
Deep Purple, Smoke on the Water, before a
glimmer in her eye,
90's girl, child stars of, The Disney Club,
Timberlake, Spears, Aguilera,
Backstreet Boys, Spice Girls dominating,
every air wave,
Victoria Beckham, her Parsons inspiration
fashion designer she'll fight her way,
to the top, so much power in her name,
yet even stripped bare, she'd be a star,
her talent to sketch, draw and drape,
falls on knees bent, if only we pray,
to even have an ounce from her display,
I know few like her, love unconditional,
we're the writers seeking solace,
an unforgiving pain,
life taking so much drain,
in the light of day this pain brings forth,
an edge to your art, a masochistic feel,
creating itself a soul untamed.

You write to remember, you sketch your dreams
hopelessness turns to desire,
the dark cloud of youth,
dissipates in the air,
knowing there is a way through,
treachery and despair.

My dear, you may some days,
feel in that gutter trying to,
catch a star,
but today you shine, as bright as
a diamond in this very same sky,
we see across continents,
each night that we pray.

Release the grip, lessen the pull,
fly and fly,
sore heights so high,
you ain't ever coming down.

© Sia Jane
My little love bug, celebrates her birthday today and this little bit of poetry, if we can call it that, is the least I can do. Love you angel <3
Sia Jane Mar 2014
I wish behind every smile,
there lay a girl,
with a glimmer in,
her pale blue eyes.
She stumbles & stutters,
seeking safety,
in masochistic rhyme,
as wide as an ocean.
I wish behind, this lying mind,
was a fire of life,
one of such freedom,
jest & surrender.
She walks head dropping,
a sky falling,
ghosts speaking,
softly, loudly, softly, loudly.
I wish at the tender age,
of fourteen, they
culled me, along,
with all those mad cows.
She walks knowing she is,
unfed & scared,
she won't turn to see
another of her hearts beat.
I wish I could count to ten
taper the madness away,
instead I fall,
holes dug in past despair.
She takes the night,
lets the stars keep her alive,
she follows one North,
walking, walking, remembering, walking.

I cannot account the years of struggle,
the battles internally,
the battle wounds outwardly,
wondering,
if any of this is
meant to be.
I don't even know
who I am
when I am
who I am now.
I feel like a work of art.
Thrown paint, a juxtaposition
of images, smiles & pain,
crazy & manic, & contained & erratic.
I am madness.
And too often, I am too weak,
to break through,
madness itself.
Madness is me, I am madness.
She & I,
compose a morning sky.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Jun 2015
She's standing, and I smell
the fear she's emitting
it seeps from her every pore
and the baby is screaming
as he curses, his voice rising
like a volcano erupting
all it's dark ashes.

She rocks the baby
a pacifier for the tears falling
I hear a familiar lullaby
and I know she's afraid
and the lullaby is her way
of communicating her terror
as he curses again
                          again
                              again.

The singing is a bright red scream
and I catch the baby's eyes
a bottom lip turned over,
a head on a shoulder
the father shouts,
"You're my wife and I'm not leaving without you!"

Neither mother nor child
are safe, I know this
and I know this for all the reasons
I maybe shouldn't
but I know what fear smells of
I know the scent
I know the cues to surrender.

Mother and child
their eyes in misery
are screaming silently
to us all,
"Help us!"

© Sia Jane
Back from being away and look forward to catching up :)
Sin
Sia Jane Apr 2014
Sin
I am not seeking
attention

I am only seeking
redemption.*

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Jun 2014
She taught me,
                         ultraviolence,
ticking, clockwork,
                                orange
standing in the sea, unafraid
of the
ferocity of waves, hitting
shores, bodies dragged
delving,
             digging,
deeper to the roots,
souls buried,
hearing, I am hearing them,
                                               scream,
the sky opens, filling oceans
poison, killing,
                        softly, wreckless
pouring that hope, a rope
strangles at love,
outcomes,
inevitability as consequence,
oh, the bamboo
piercing bleeding skin,
                                      punctured,
gashes flooding sirens,
road ****, eaten away,
vultures,
offering the,
only
company.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Apr 2015
Paused.

The light in the tunnel is blocked.
A shadow emerges in silence,
& all I smell is death;
the stench of rotting carcass
lingers.

Nearer.

The shadow moves - hunched,
& stumbles towards me.
A penetrating echo
vibrates through the tunnel,
a cane shunts around
puddles.

Paused.

There is no light - only deaths
shadow, me & the putrid water
dripping down walls
covered in mould; graffiti
breathing life into this
concrete jungle.

Arrested.

A man stands - his stare,
holds my attention.
He sways; the wall & cane
prop him up.
A fetid smell, exacerbated by
wet gangrene, pollutes the
air.

Paused.

"Son, forgive me."

© Sia Jane
This was inspired by someone's very raw and honest experiences! It isn't the narrative just my way of trying to step in to another's shoes <3
Sia Jane Jan 2015
If I were to say;
the devil & god both
rage within,
I would render myself
dishonest.
For despite blind faith
you have never heard
me surrender,
to the devil or god.
The agnostic in me
did surrender, to a name
still unknown.
An internal war
battles of wills I so fought
pleading & praying;
save me from what I have
so become.

A war rages within
thirsty blood red, slaughter
a house for the dead.
I fall at your feet, lick the blood
splashed & spilled;
a slaughterhouse will never
be a clean resting place.
I kneel; genuflect
at the
shrine of gods
& monsters.
I whisper;
What will be?
What will become of me?

Laughing, spitting,
in the face of anguished despair.
A war rages within.
Nor devil nor god may see,
I am yours for slaughter,
surrendered for you
in this wasteland
my mind created when
you
were first
gone.

© Sia Jane


"I’ll be your

slaughterhouse, your killing floor, your morgue and final resting, walking around with this

          bullet inside me."

Wishbone by Richard Siken
Sia Jane Mar 2014
Bel Air, Westside
City of Angels
Holmby Hills, Beverly Hills City
A Platinum Triangle.
Violet blossom
Delicacy, fragility
Vivienne's tribute to innocence.
Denim dress, antique pearls
Rays of light, they surround
A sacred halo.
Amidst a divine cloud
Ave-Maria, rosary prayers
Latin promises, confess.
Wandering grace lands
Desert storms, gypsy princess
Migrating birds in flight.

unfinished

Maria sits, blank pages
Oversized cashmere cardigan
Black & white, no words to type.

A writer’s hell,
is writers block.

© Sia Jane
I literally cannot write!
Sia Jane May 2015
My Body no longer yours
I rescued it
along with Soul, Sanity & Love

I see you burning
in the smoke of your own fire

I hear you howl
as the wind carries your voice

a whirlwind of chaos
chasing me

words forming tornados in the gravel
        
the path from your home
morphs into my Body

I smell the gasoline residing beneath
my clipped fingernails

the ether spills
a volcanic eruption

forging through the Garden of Sorrow
so named for all that is lost there

But before I left I was sure to uncover
Love – taking a shovel to claim
the remnants of a diseased heart

I dug up Sanity – some speak of keeping
Insanity as a friend, but not me
I’ve had enough madness

And I took back my Soul
the thing you’d hidden so deep, like digging
for diamonds – the rarest type

Blood diamonds – each formed
for every life
you stole.

© Sia Jane
Typewriter series <3
Sia Jane May 2014
Soul not for sale
(sang to me)
No closing escrow
(renters may inquire)
Fostering a new neighbour
(a God to play with Lucifer)
A reckless promiscuity
(hands tied to a bed)
Other lovers pass through
(a medium of the wounded)
Broken down beings
(lost to the devil)
Respecting the community
(falling like flies)

Suffer
          Suffer
                    Suffer

    ­                           Pleading
                Pleading
Pleading


(there is no escape)
Dawn may break
(promising a new light)
Remaining the same
(ground hog day)

She's still tied to that same bed.


© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Dec 2014
Soul not for sale
(intimate back room shows)
No closing escrow
(renters may inquire)
Fostering a new neighbourhood
(Gods fallen angels)
Million dollar men touch & tamper
(bodies of women whose stories are unknown)
Little girls playing in a park they've barely grown in to
(Lingering over men old enough to father them)
Lucifers female protagonists
(post box red lingerie cheap tattoos)
A reckless promiscuity dollar bills bleed
(hands tied to beds)
Male lovers pass through
(mediums of wives fiancées)
Aversions never self sought
(lost to the Devil)
Purified souls marked by the world
(falling like flies)

Suffer
          Suffer
                    Suffer

    ­­                           Pleading
                Pleading
Pleading


(there is no escape)
Dawn may break
(promising new light)
Kissing away melancholic madness

Still tied to the same beds.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Jan 2014
"I'll be your slaughterhouse, your killing floor, your morgue and final resting..."*
Richard Siken

You set my soul on fire
pouring gasoline over
every inch of the skin
I inhabit daily

You set my soul on fire
knowing how much it
would burn, leaving
deep everlasting scars

You set my soul on fire
excruciatingly ripping
a person I love so
knowing the pain you'd cause

You set my soul on fire
your face ablaze with
an unspoken contentment
at claiming what you believe is yours

I sit here and mourn
my heart misshaped from the norm
I sit here and weep
at how trampled I was by your feet
I sit here with anger
knowing where to point the finger
twist it round,
with your well rehearsed stirs
that damage, disintegrate and curse


© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Sep 2014
I may read a line, a lyric,
A quote, or a poet.
I may lose myself in,
A thunderstorm, or whirlwind,
Of life, of love.
I may believe, the biggest lie,
in history as she sings;
It's not you, it's me.
Yet she never stops, breaks,
Halts or surrenders.
Her cast is removed, her
Mask replaced.
New city, new state, it's all
In just one day.
New self, new soul, never told
Was she, how lost she'd always be.
I cried by her side, she sang me,
Lullabies of love, life, hope.
She witnessed a new break of dawn,
As she sat beside me.
She whispered; dare to step,
Outside in the air, picture it for me.
As 6am broke, my camera rattled,
She watched the sun rise, with me.
Days grew longer, nights shorter,
By me,
she stood.
My heart beats, I'm alive.
My heart aches, for she,
Stands by me,
Not beside,
But within,
Me.
I pray,
I live,
Within
Her,
Too.

© Sia Jane
I love you beautiful friend <3
Sia Jane Feb 2015
Learning the art of absent love
she absorbs herself with a
perspective only to be seen through
the glasses of rose tinted sunlit skies

Planting seeds of love
she lays amidst meadow fields
staring at pastel palettes

Drifting motions as, her hand lifts
her finger tracing clouds
as painting upon a clear canvas
where her art knows no boundaries

Singing herself lullabies
her soul fed by stardust
her eyes wavering, flickering
& finally closing, into a dreamscape
of mysterious lucidity

Her longing eased, escapism from
a skipping heartbeat bleeding for attachment,
awaiting the blooming of flowers
which follow a winter of freezing hearts
now pining to thaw.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Jul 2015
I saw my world expand
the day I looked
in to those
eyes and
loved
seeing your eyes tell me
that all you knew
was to only
now love
me
kissing me hard as I'm
lay naked in your
arms & trusting
all you
said
when you whisper to me
our love is eternal
& nothing will
ever break
us
how beautiful the universe is
to bring us together
as stardust souls
now as
one                            

 © Sia Jane
Sia Jane Dec 2014
Where are you in this midnight sky?
as not too long from here
your lips grazed mine
Chanel Rouge Allure ever lasting
remains.
I still have traces of
tram marks left by
Vamp Rouge Noir nails and
I trace your soul on each
& every scratch.
You winked as you left
you said in such guileful ways
you must know
I always come back
you just never know
how long it'll be.
For as predictable as
we are - a pair of boomerangs
knowing we'll always be
reunified by powers far greater
than us -
we never know when or how,
even why.
Where are you in this midnight sky?
if I count the times
my missing you is felt,
it's as futile as
******* for virginity.
The mere distance between
you & I -untangible, immeasurable.
For as long as our souls
inevitably bounce back,
that time, that space in
star filled nights
& crescent moon skies
become a vacuum of all
lost or loved.
Every time we meet our
halogen balloon hearts

rise
rise
rise


&
in a time span unfathomable

sinking

Velociously.

© Sia Jane
This posted before I had completed it!!!!!
Sia Jane Oct 2014
It was in wander
   For not lost was she
It was in wonder
   For without sin she led,
The tree bearing sweet fruit
Enticing her
   Forward.
Lust sent a lumber puncture through
her spine.
   Upwards it shot
to the brain, cerebral forms
    into a red beating heart.
It excited her, the
Freedom found in such innocence
    pulsating quivers.
She waited
                  Adam to her Eve
daisy chains falling from her neck
framing a prepubescent chest.
Such tender collar
Bones, hooks temperately fastening
white knotted cotton,
hand sewn dress virginial
White.
Annabelle's life, a melody of
                   melancholic cacophonic
raspers,
from asylums.
Former patients; Briarcliff Manor
residing in her; misery.
Innocent runnings from grave
Dangers of,
                   stark raving madness.
For, today, she wasn't embroiled
                   as Arden's pet.
Instead she was the little girl so born
to be,
before the woman was stolen
bound by a physicians sick
nightmarish reenactments.
For, today she was
Free.
        a starling
                       passionate
                                         darling.

© Sia Jane
I am not sure how this started with such innocence into such darkness. Light and dark. Fear and joy. Extremes.
This was written out, usual way, pencil and paper, scribble until I run out of everything chasing in my mind and then type up.
I don't edit a lot of this very spontaneous work.
It is very cathartic.
Sia Jane Nov 2013
Why you standing over there?
out of reach, not out of sight
I don't want you to walk
out of that door now
I want you here, feeling you
breathing down my neck

I'm missing you, are you missing
me?
does your heart beat to the same
sound that mine, pulsates every
moment I see your face

Let me close that door so that
every thought of you shuts
banged closed
dissipates in space

Holding myself faithful can you
hear me whisper
your name?
in my sleep I am talking
to you
again
can you see me when your
eyes are closed?
the way I see you, day in
day out

Tiny steps vibrate through
my mind
holding your voice in my head
I hear you
in those dreams
they may be crazy
untrue
yet they keep me breathing
oxygen for
these lungs
catching breath

I'm staying up late
drinking again
all because
I probably
miss you.

Writing my heart out
in ways inarticulate
because these feelings
as hard as I fight
won't leave me
locked within
even the written word
with its choice of millions
are not enough
for what I feel
for you
and the love, I have.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Aug 2014
I've always had,
a home,
four walls,
enclosing,
four souls.
Wars,
within me,
separated in a,
dream.
I see,
a vision,
a spirit,
a passing medium.
My body,
exorcized of,
the girl I once,
was.
Born sad eyed,
planets; Jupiter, Saturn,
global maps,
to the soul.
Reading me,
flickering pages,
spinning,
terrestrial globes,
as changing as,
each,
season.
Unsummoned thoughts,
strange gifts;
genius strikes,
but,
a few,

(so they say)

ones sought,
from,
a power so,
universal.
Where stars,
find,
a home
&
the moon,
laying,
it's head,
amidst a vast,
density of,
terrifying,
external lapsing,
clutching threads,
tied to earth.
Catching,
shooting stars I was,
always,
praying...
On anything I,
could,
hold.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Jun 2014
Taste me, do I taste of summers rain?
Smell me, do I smell of the buds of summers blossom?
Touch me, do I feel like summers sadness?
Hear me, do you hear the call of summers birds?
Take my hand, look into my eyes,
Smile with enchantment, crystal blues,
Eyes and skies,
Fleeting story tellers, dwelling in nests,
Beauty beholds,
When you look, who do you see?
The very reflection of yourself,
Or
Someone, something, else?
Hearts beat, laying deep in retreat,
Summer callings, a lowly,
Scream and shout,
Amidst chaos, of skipping ropes,
Laughing children,
Healers and holders,
Picking daisies,
Chains and buttercups,
Flaring meadows,
Up
Up
Up.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Feb 2015
Bare feet standing backwards on doctors scales,
the weighing game; I can't make head or tails,
of how I'm here; dragged from my mother's car
Earlier at the charity bazaar;
I slipped & fell on the church floor, & now,
that's just a mere bagatelle anyhow.
Tonight, I just wanted to escape fast
I truly believed this was in my past,
but the Devil & God fight all the time
all that comforts me is a nursery rhyme.

And so, I sang: All around the pink spire
boys chased girls & ran until one did tire
girls & boys in boxes, the key secures
a bolted lock. True love always endures.
                                   © Sia Jane
This is from a famous sonnet to which I don't know and I'm not allowed to know! For class we were given the title, the last words and the punctuation. Ten syllable lines. Fourteen lines. This is what I managed xxxxx endings given: sces, tails, car, bazaar, now, anyhow, fast, past, time, rhyme, spire, tire, secures, endures.
Sia Jane Apr 2016
Barefoot standing backwards on
            the doctor’s scales; the weighing games begin.
I can’t make sense of how or why
            I’m here; dragged from my mother’s car,
when only earlier I was dancing
            at my ballet class; I slipped and fell
on the cold dance floor, and now
            I’m under hospital arrest. All I want
is to escape; because I truly thought
            this was all in my past.
But the Devil and God are raging inside me
            all the time.
It began with only one pound lost;
            a controlled experiment, one I thought
I could win. And now,
            I’m barefoot standing backwards
on the doctor’s scales –
            There’s only one way; Up!
                No spiral down.
I’ve found my way back here, somehow,
                    and I’ll find my way out of here, somehow.

© Sia Jane
Re-work of an old poem which will be in my upcoming new edition of the LUNA Zine with my collaborating artist Gia D'Arcadia <3
Sia Jane Mar 2014
roses & ivy,
                       grow,
                            s
                               w
                             i          l
                                 r

s.h.i.f.t & CLAW

back bone, bare bones, counting verteb
                                                          ­      r
                                                         ­       a
                                                        ­        e
                                        a  s
spineless,­ no moral c     p
                                  o  m

          North
West­              East
         South

never fond of waking up,
(bare feet, touching cold slate)

cluttered hearts surrender,
(wrists cutting, a fine lullaby)

holding pearls hands closed,
(sea urchins inhabit, a narrow soul)

painted roses en pointe(d) toes,
(thousands of galaxies, offer a million wishes)

tea lights will, guide her home,
and back to, a place she,
is yet, to know.

Life surrenders that,
soul mates,
never,
        DIE.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Sep 2014
There was no choice
not if we're discussing,
survival.
Tidal waves crashed
to shore.
Even the sand laden
sacks
bore the burden
of turbulence
anger, shaking
shore lines.
Grasping on a
fisherman's
net,
hands splashing.
The belligerent mood
of countries
at war.
Mother Nature
herself, a
tyrant leader
asserting
her, hostile
hatred of,
humanities
degenerative, recurrent
bloodshed.
Oceans overspill,
dropping anchor
sea salt cleansing
open wounds
bleeding, oceanic
flow.
Scarlett filled
waters,
a mouth,
fish hooked.
The choice
of survival,
gone.
A reclaimed
reign of,
terror.
Mother Nature,
she always,
wins.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Nov 2013
We spoke of beauty today
we stood next to the fridge
as ice splashed in glasses
of cider just bought

Did you always find her
beautiful?
well of course, how could anyone
not

Of course I found her beautiful
hazel eyes, nestled so softly within
black skin so pure
ringlets forming, shaping
her face, in its beautiful delight

So what is it now?
the conversation evolved to
me discussing what I found so
appealing, or should I say
alluring, from this Bajan
queen

Gothic chic, ghetto life
her force appeals to the
deity of those who
frame and picture only
those accustomed to such
a spotlight

Inez & Vinoodh, Gomillion & Leupold
capture something exotic
unique
this black beauty reins, on covers
of all the images put forth to us
daily, weekly, or monthly
her beauty shines from the page
in the same vein as she sings
of love and diamonds in the sky

Talking, the conversation shifts
again, from her beauty, on an
outward space, which is impossible
to displace, ignore,

It's her heart, I can't even articulate
in this writing here, what she has to
offer, and what she offers to me
fallen, I surrender, my worth
measured
asking, am I good enough not even
for her, but to even know her

He looks me in the eyes, I flinch a little
bowing my head, embarrassment,*
all I know, if I ever was able to call
her mine
never, ever, would I do anything
to let her go
for who
lets such a beautiful entity
free to leave
when there is only love
to be shared.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Oct 2015
I put my heart to bed.
I kissed the hole in my chest
a lingering good night-

My lips stealing a few
more hours of our final night.

I forgot about the noise
filling spaces in my mind,
held myself to the promise
of never letting go
without a final goodbye.

I let tears fill hollowed eyes,
falling as perfect droplets
tattooing my cheeks
symmetrically.

As I exhale the remains of
all I’ve lost,
I choke.

An inflated balloon
is blocking my airway,
my fingers part my lips
and with another deep breath
my heart – severed but intact –
is in my hands once again.

I put my heart to bed
I kissed the hole in my chest
a lingering goodnight –

My heart didn't want to sleep,
instead it stayed awake
tacked itself to my sleeve
and walked me into a new day.

© Sia Jane
Sia Jane Jul 2015
I'm wrapped around your pillow
my bare skin a magnet
to your presence - even
               your smile must suffice
the one you left this afternoon
as I breathe you in  - your scent
  is the Braille I use to read
your heart
my eyes remain closed
my thoughts only deepened
by the pictures my soul paints
   in your absence
the soft curves of the pillow
I imagine to be your body, and
I fold myself into you
our bodies fit, missing links of self
marry each others souls
and I have to believe we
must have been parted when
the Big Bang pulled everything away
from themselves -
we're both fragments of God's Universe
we're stardust particles with
       a gravitational pull, always
insisting we're to be drawn
                     together
our bodies morph into one another
pieces of the same picture
the force stuns me - vertigo
we're no different than boomerangs
crashing back into each others lives
  every time
               we part.


© Sia Jane
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