It was only a year ago
When we sat down by the tennis courts
Watching the fireworks.

You put your hand over mine
And I lost track of time
Under the fireworks.

The way you looked at me
Like I was the only thing you could see
While we listened to the fireworks.

Now all this time has passed
What we made was made to last
Because every time you touch me
I can still feel the fireworks.

Dear boyfriend,
Remember that one time you asked me
if I had ever been in love?
And all I said was yes?
Well that was only half the truth.
I was in love...
I still am in love.

You see,
I believe that people fall in love
But they don't fall out quite as simply.
No matter how much someone hurts you
If you love them,
You always will.

And maybe that sound ridiculous to you
But if it does, tell me
Why do you care so much
About what your she thinks of us
When you told me
You don't give a **** anymore?

Hell, I loved the sly smile
That emerged from his eyes
Then slowly spread across his face
Til it was perfectly wide.
I loved how it showed in his grin
When he would laugh at my awkwardness
Like we were both children again.
I admired the seriousness
That would spawn from within him
When I begged him to stay with me.
I cherished the moments
When he would accept my heartfelt invitation
And just hold me quietly to his firm chest.

Thoughts like that
Are the kind that will remain
Encapsulated in my mind forever.

When he put his hands on me
he took my last bit of dignity.
I pushed him away,
but he kept coming back,
cuffed me to a chair
and touched every part of me.
It was over fast,
but the feeling inside me will never pass.

I've finally removed the dirt from my eyes
So the light of the truth blinds me.
How could I have been so naive
To think that we could live in peace?

You shook my walls
And I trembled in fear.
Your words pierced my skin of paper
Left holes large and small.
The intensity of your stare
Glued me to the wall.

But revenge is the sweetest
When it's drizzled and shame
And topped with the pieces of his brain.
You paid too much attention
To keeping me down.
Now I'm successful
And you're empty on the ground.

Four days ago,
I was told that you were as good as gone
And I believed in that philosophy
For the life of me.

So I concocted a plan
So nefarious, so devastating
You would never recover.

Today, I received a message
At 10:17 p.m.
Asking me to come back.

I wasn't astonished
Because I knew my scheme would prevail.

Because a guy like you
Cannot stand being ignored
By someone they were trying to disregard.

Isn't it funny
How when someone leaves you
That they're the only person
you'd want to talk to about it?

I've learn to abhor many things such as
The taste of salty, **** tears on my tongue,
The aroma of the dewy, crisp forest floor,
The vision of blue eyes intertwined with bliss dancing away,
The feel of a burning hot neck being pressed on by a gelid nose
The sound of a drowsy midnight voice whispering "I love you."
But it seems that what I've come to execrate
Are the same as what I was once learning to grow fond of.

I was never enlightened on what to do
When someone shattered my heart,
But it happened anyway.
He took it and crumpled it
Before he went and tore it all apart.
I wasn't taught that you shouldn't look back...
So I learned to cry.
I thought the best was to be bitter
Not to just up and forget it all.
I didn't know that you should smile
And move on with your life.
Make your own joy, because I was all I really had.

All the movies they hadn't done it right.
They didn't show me that you should act
Like nothing was ever wrong.
They didn't tell me that people change and move on.
That's why I didn't know how to respond
When he left me on the street
My hands pressed to my head, my feet chasing after him.

I was never told a person wasn't worth
The pain,
The tears,
The fight,
Simply because no one ever talked about this.
School didn't have a class that eased the heartbreak,
Didn't have any extracurriculars for the ones
Who looked so woebegone over someone
Who never gave a **** about them in the first place.
They never offered up a panacea
For the scholars who thought their life was ending
Because they were lamenting over a pseudo, a sham.
They had classes for foreign languages
And math
And history too.
But not a single class about what to do
About a heart so damaged the loved drained out from the bottom
And created an abyss so deep
Not even Floyd Collins would dare venture in.

So for everyone who's never experienced
A sadness so blue,
I will tell you about what to do.
When you are told not to love someone anymore
Go ahead, continue on
Just don't let him know.
Don't show any emotion when you pass him on the street
Or when you hear his name from across the room.
You can cry, that's acceptable,
But if you ever notice he's watching you
You go on and smile and act like you're having a **** good time.
And maybe you will eventually convince yourself you are.
Maybe not in the next day,
Or month,
Or even year,
But eventually he'll fade from your mind
Like the words written across the mirror with your finger
After a burning hot shower.
And if all else fails,
Just know to never go back
Because, darling, I know you're stronger that that.

She whispered,
"I just miss
the little things.
The stuff that seems unimportant
until you realize
it's all that matters.
Like the way he'd pull you in
when he was half asleep
or the way he said
he loved the way you looked in that dress.
So, no, BIG things
aren't a BIG deal,
but the small things,
they can mean the entire world."

Will
        I
          Ever
                  Recover?
Plenty of times I've asked myself.
Even after all these months have flown by,
You're still the way I abide by.

I know it's ridiculous, and strange as well,
And I know if you were going to come back
You already would have.
Still, that changes not a thing.

For summer is approaching
And I'm hoping it will bring
Another chance, a spark, the gleam in those eyes
That I loved so dearly as you laid on my side.

I'd just like you to know I do remember everything
From the first day until the last.
I remember that you were wearing a gray t shirt
Jeans, and a black jacket when we met.
The date was January 6, 2012.
We met at a basketball game at the high school.
You were there for wrestling
I was there for cheerleading.
I remember hearing you make snide comments
Just audible enough for the person intended to hear.
I remember being captivated by those blue eyes.
I remember the last words you said to me
Harsh and unforgivable
But of course, I had already accepted the apology
I knew would be coming my way.
Because, ****, I remember everything.

I can see it still-
Wheels spinning
on the highway.
Only room for us two
that's the way
I always liked it.
Turn the car around,
faster than a bullet.
Your mind changed
faster than I wished it.
Months went by,
talking eased up then stopped.
I was slowly forgetting,
yet somehow
I was keeping it all.
In dreams
and sometimes nightmares,
I saw your face
and I longed for a chance
to feel an embrace.
More months passed,
then I saw you
among the trees and flowers.
I wanted to let you be,
until curiosity got the best of me
and my feet pointed your direction.
And I don't know
what I'll want in the future,
but right now I need an old friend,
I'm not trying to be a bother.
So any time you need me,
I'm not that far out of reach.
Just say you need me
and I'm already there.

It was like an orb
Growing in the pit or your stomach
Pushing away all the vital organs
Making it hard to live.

The parasitic bulb
Infuriating your body
Annihilating the temple you are.

And although it may seem foreign
This is keeping you alive.
The process is consuming you slowly
But gives you a reason not to relinquish.

This abomination inside of you
Is slowly waning
Eliminating your life supply
Coming up short
Taking away all you've ever known
Dragging you towards the land of the soulless.

What is this orb, you ask?
Well, simply put, it's love.

I think it'd be kinda neat
To watch your heart
Fizzle and spark
And ignite as bright as can be.

Because maybe
Just maybe
It'd be interesting to watch you suffer
The same way you used to watch that happen to me.

I keep them all loosely wrapped around my finger
Until I need them
And that's when I tighten my grip
Like I'm strangling prey.

I remember the way he firmly gripped the steering wheel
So different from the way his hands caressed my sides.
I remember the way his voice sounded when he joked with his friends
And how it changed from the way he spoke my name.
I remember they way he glanced at others
A huge difference from the way he locked me in his gaze.
I remember the way he hugged his friends
Not nearly as passionate as the way he pulled me in.
I remember the way he would sit at the school
And the way he would sit on my bed... just different.
And so perfect.

Nine forty- three.
I look at the clock and that's all I see.
It wouldn't be so grim
If it didn't remind me.
But those three digits
Are the start of your phone number
And that lobs me back into a cycle
I never desired to enter again.

And the damaging memories don't resurface
Just the gleeful things manage to pull through.
And I find myself
Relearning to miss all that was you.

You are like a lingering sin to me
Evil at sight
But Heaven to the touch.

And even if we don't talk
You'll always be my favorite hello
And even if I don't realize it
You'll always be the person I miss the most.

It feels like
A rippling tide,
Crashing down
Above your head.
A pulling sensation
Over your heart
A little to strong
To be gentle.
A screaming wind
Piercing through your body
Stabbing at your ears.
A horrendous lunge
From a hungry lion
After failing to catch prey.
At the same time
It’s like…
A lullaby
Gracefully pulling you
Into a deep slumber.
An energizing drink
From a cup of gold
After a year without rain.
The feel of sultry lips
Pressed on your skin
Urgent, but slow
Creating a rush from within.
The cookies your mom made
When you were a kid
A delicacy you’re hoping
You would receive again.

I don't want to prolong the fight
If the end results aren't worth the extra mile.
And I don't want to stay with you
If you aren't spending your time with those most worthwhile.

Love doesn't come around just to go.
It stays forever,
even if the person never shows.
Love is a constant,
not always easy,
but not always hard.
Love is not something to mess with
it's serious as can be,
but love can also be fun
if you play it the right way.

Dramatic loops and swirls
Messily covered the manila page
Scrawled too quickly.

His goodbye was too sudden
Just dropping like an atomic bomb over my heart
Destroying everything within proximity.

The lasting effects are stuck on me
An abrasion I carry under my skin
Like a heavy weight everyday.

I passed the pain down to my liver today
Trying to drown out memories
And trying to stop the voice in my head

Stop it from crying
Stop it from yelling his name over and over
Like a broken record stuck on the worst song

But alas nothing has been able to silence myself
Not cheap, bad *** with strangers
Or toxins that help erase images.

I'm stuck in my own mind
Where I'm completely unaccompanied
Except for him, of course.

I want to tell you a story
of the ones that hurt me before
And maybe that will help my uncover
Why I thought you were different from the others.

I'll start with the one
Who had the most perfect blue eyes
The kind that left you trembling
And always with a smile.

He left me waiting for too long,
Kept me dangling,
Then let me fall.
I fell too soon
And with a crash
I wrecked it all.

The one after that
Restored my faith
In how you should feel
When love comes your way.

He kept me close,
Gently kissed my eyes,
Never made me cry

But I had to let him go
And now he loves someone else
The way he loved me that month.

Not long after,
A hockey player with family problems
Somehow captured my attention
And took me out to have some fun.

Things were good for a while,
But we both messed up
And he stopped answering my calls.

More than a year later
A country boy from the middle of nowhere
Took my heart from the first second.

A week went by
And I think he realized
That I wasn't close to what he really wanted.
He got rid of me so fast
Broke every single promise.

Then there was you.

At first, you tried to pick me up
Convinced me that I was great
I don't know what changed,
Now all I want is a chance.

I saw something different in you
That I know you never saw.
And maybe that scares you
And that's why you ran away so fast and far.

Once the cheap liquor
Creeps into my veins
I'll pick up the phone,
Dial you number,
And scream out your name.
I know nothing has changed,
But I'll try anyways
In hopes that you'll realize
You won't find someone who loves you more
For the rest of your days.

I thought these feelings were gone
but they're still buried deep inside
and you're like a grave digger
Your shovel stabbing at me
sharper than a knife.
You ripped me wide open
you tore me to shreds
and if you asked me to take you back,
my answer would probably be yes.

When I think about the day
The day you will leave me
The day you will slowly begin to escape my memory
The day I will completely disappear from you
The day it will be as though you and I have never existed
I start to wonder if you’ll ever really be gone
Or if your presence will linger with me
When I’m sitting in my car with my friend on Saturday night
Or when I’m cuddling a pet to my chest in the comfort of my room
Or when I meet someone new, someone a lot like you
My dear, I’m starting to wonder if it’ll always be you

I'm damaged
                       Torn
                                Shattered
                  ­                               Broken.
I'm that bottle of tequila mostly empty
Dropped on the bathroom floor and forgotten long ago.

In pieces on the floor,
Or whole in the trash...
I'm not sure which one is better.
Either way, I'd be considered no good-
A pile of nothingness.

But I was once useful.
Someone used me to forget
Someone used me to find something
And someone else used me to have fun.
But I've given everything away
I'm used.

And that's why I was left
Shattered on the cold, desolate floor
Empty and drained...
I didn't deserve to be whole-
Even in the trash.

I've had relationships with many others after you
And in each one it's you I see all the way through.
I sometimes see your eyes or your smile
And that's what makes it all worthwhile.

But the boy I met the other day
He makes your image fade to gray.
Because when I look into his blue eyes
They aren't like yours in disguise.

I wish he would have told me how to live without him,
Not just that it was a necessity to.
But why do I seem to think I still need him?
Why is is I can't breathe when I don't have him?
I think about him and my chest tightens around my heart and lungs
Like a boa constrictor extracting life from its prey.

He was an awe- inspiring dream for me
Drifting through my dark mind
His resplendence playing through and through.
Even after he was gone
His disposition still shone brighter than a burning star.

I sit and brood, desiring that he'll resurface later in life.
It's all I can really do.
I have no idea where he is now
He could be within proximity
But he also could be a significant distance away.
But still his voice of pure splendor
Resonates in my head
Getting louder
                        And louder
                                           And louder
With each verse thrown at me
With each verse I can still remember uttered from his lips.

I detest the fact he honestly believes
That I'm a better person without him.
How can I be better without him
If he's the one that inspires me to do my best?
When he's the person who comforts the beasts inside my head?
He may not be able to stop the storm
But he's the one to bring an umbrella.
Maybe he can't turn the tide
But he'll bring a life raft for the both of us.
So how could he have the audacity to say something like that
When he doesn't look at the two side of the same coin?

I sit and write poems
Stanza after stanza dedicated to him
Hoping he will one day stumble upon my works
And know- Because if he reads them he will know-
That it was truly all for him.
So I will continue to pour my soul into my oeuvre
And spill my blood on pages.
Pages that will hold the scars,
But most likely never be viewed by the eyes of my beloved,
My world,
My dream,
My heart,
My everything.

"Forever," he says to me,
I just wish I knew what he means.
Does he mean forever as in until we die,
or until I annoyed him so much he's had enough?
Does he mean for all of eternity,
or does he use it to shut me up?
Everyone's definition of the word is just so different,
and I don't know his,
the one of most importance.

The thing about us, babe,
Is that I didn't love you from the first word
In fact, I despised you then.

But suddenly there you were.
And you hit me like a freight train.
And after that I turned into a little mess.

Every moment after
I thought about you,
Not me,
Not him,
Not society,
You.

Even though I cannot always say it's been you
I can tell you that you're the one who actually mattered.

And I thought I'd never go back...
But now look at where I am.
Sitting in the passenger seat of a minivan
I try to hold back all of the feelings
That have crept forward into my mind.

Today, I saw you.
Also something I've never thought would happen again.
You were driving past in your old, blue F-150.
I only caught a glimpse,
But in that glimpse I saw every hope and dream of us
That I've ever had.
Then I blinked, and it was all over.

And now I might want to plunge my worm and hook
Back into the same lake I found you.
But for all I know
You could be on belonging to another
And I just know that they wouldn't let you go.

I loved him the most


And I hurt him the most.

I wish I could get lost in your eyes
Because I would stay there forever
Clinging to the only thing known
To a mind as lonely as me.

I want to be swept away in your voice
Because I hear it every day
Playing through and through
To a heart that's lacking me and you.

People tell me
That I was alive before you
So I can live without you.
But the truth is
I never was alive until I met you
Everything I felt
It wasn't real.

When you showed up
Everything just bursted with color
And roared to life
As did I
I was strong
And victorious
I was the queen.

And then you left
And everything went gray
And everything fell apart
And that's when I knew it was over.


I was never alive
Just there.

I wish
I could hold you heart in both of my hands
And be allowed the opportunity
To toy with it all I want

And then maybe
You could feel what you are doing to me
And you could stop devastating
Every aspect of me.

Such bittersweet serendipity it was
Loving someone like you for a good lot of time
But afterwards
The numb settles down upon my heart
And I'm left with disconcerting theories
Of what it could have been like
If you had stayed just one more time.