I hate that time passes. I hate that you're not here. I hate that you gave up. I hate that I'm marking your 30th alone.


I don't hate you.
But I'm still really angry.

And I don't feel like celebrating.

I just
Want
My
Life
Back


Happy birthday darlin

I woke up this morning after vivid dreams. Trying to save everyone and running into a third grade crush.

A weird blister on my feet. One that wasn't there yesterday.

I'm tired. Over run. But I can't stop. Because I can't go back to packs and packs smoked on the porch by my self.

In my dream, a co-worker thinking I was asleep talked about how ugly she thought I was. But I don't think that she really does feel that way. (Not that I care)

Just that old self doubt that I thought I buried.

Just a race to go back to a time where I saw the meaning.
Where I felt it in my bones.

I'm not giving up. But I've covered my heart and soul in so many layers, to not feel to be numb, that it's taking a while to chip it out.

It'll happen darling.
One day at a time.

3 mins now til I turn 26.

Every year a step away from that July afternoon of 2013

I wish you were here to celebrate.

2 mins now.


And I am waiting. Forever til I see you again.
It doesn't feel like a birthday without you.

1 min.

It doesn't seem real. In life I was always waiting on you. To call. To write

Happy birthday to myself.

Time gives both relief and distance from the heart ache of your absence
And also
More heartache.


Every step away from that day is one more moment I've spent alive that you haven't.

Of course, every step away is one day closer to when we'll meet again.

They talk about heaven and I believe
But I also dread the idea of what will have changed. Will you still greet me in your special voice
Will you hold me tight
As only you can
Or will we be so blinded by light that it won't matter.
If that is the case,
I'll mourn now what I won't feel then.

Life can be hell dear one,
But it can also be heaven

And you are as close as I come to on this plane.

You made the wrong choice but I know it no longer matters.

Forced to forge my own path
I'll never forget

And try to create a life beautiful

Despite your absence.

Good night dear one.
I'll always be your crocodile.


Pax.

Instead of talking it out,
And working through it. We've just broken it more I suppose .


I'll always think you're worthy
That you're worth more .
That your potential is there .
You will always be good enough
For me

Strangers passing in the hallway

I once knew you very well my dear

We could have taken over the world,
But now

We're just like everyone else

How do you do it?
Pretending that this life is worth something

When it's something that we once would have killed with a vengeance.

I want more.
More than shallow conversations
Trivialities about our life

You ask me how my day at work was,
Distracted, staring at your phone
Your constant companion

Fine, I tell you
(Even though it was not )
You don't want to know. I don't want to tell you.

I can't participate in this farce any longer.



We're not friends.

Haven't you noticed?


I can't keep my head above water
And have the energy for another shallow relationship

With someone who I once loved
With my entire being

R.I.P

When the phone rings,
I wonder

is it bad news

Always, I have a brief moment of panic.

I've never gotten the bad news over the phone. I found out you were dead on a sun drenched mountain top.

when ever I receive phone calls, I stare at the number, relief at unknown or business, terror if it's someone I love.


The side effects of living through your suicide
are the kind of side effects that anti depressants warns you about.
Depression
Nausea
Suicidal thoughts
Manic behavior


I was a better person when you were alive.

Now the world sees me,
wanting change.
Calls me naive
and tells me to do something about my dreams.

But what I am really asking for, is confirmation that someone gives a **** about someone else.
That Me,
and You,
we are connected.

I need to hear that someone will help.

I need to feel
like certain people think I'm awesome. Because I value them, I want them to value me.

And you,
you always thought I was amazing. You always felt like
I could change the world
and you offered
to
go with me.

I can't think about you being gone,
because I can't fathom a world without you in it.

What would I have done differently if I truly realized how much
life could change?

I would have held on to you,
not left you alone.

I would have forsaken all others,

now isn't that just.


Heads up,
damage control,
the sun has exploded

and I needed her to survive.

They both float away in the wind

I wish I could have saved you.

I wish I could have saved you.

Life, it just hasn't seemed worth living
Writing has seemed worth doing
And God seems not to be returning my calls.

I'm just waiting for heaven to get internet
Or
For a time machine.

I would start all over. In case I couldn't stop you again, then at least I could spend another 23 years by your side.

Everything is wrong without you.
They call every thing that you said a lie,
And it's not worth fighting about

We never really gave a **** about what they had to say. ..

You once wrote that you couldn't live without me
And the reverse is true.

I truely stopped living that day. Stopped caring stopped loving stopped being able to

The fact that I won't hear your voice until I die is debilitating.

You promised.

Never. Never. Never.

So I stole some ashes and keep them in a zip lock bag in a non bpa plastic gelato tub.

What will the cops say when they search my car

I'm too loved to quit,

But too broken to love.