You gotta stay alive

You gotta find balance

You.gotta get control

You gotta create beauty

And

You gotta know,
I'm here.

When you're free, when you're locked up, when your confused

I know that you want a different life
and I want you to know

That I know the darkness of the caretakers
I know the pain that was inflicted

Everyone may pretend it never happened
but
be assured
I know about the salt
the emotional abuse
The dark nights and the burning days

The hate and the love

Do not be ashamed.
Seek the truth

For the truth shall set you free.

I took my own advice,

so now I'm searching for extra jobs.
He may not pay much but it was something.

Funny how once I took it,

I'm finally alone.
And I'm not scared.

I can be alone.
Without Sisters.
Or Husbands.

But I will not be a plan B any longer.

My safe arms aren't to protect you from your stupidity.
So trust in men if you want,

but actions speak louder than words,
and I
won't
Be
held
back.

Living life without you,
Not so bright.

If I think too much, slow down, allow myself to think about the absence,
.
I can't do it.

So I work til I sleep. I watch Netflix to the point of oblivion to everything around me.

You would not be proud.
.
There is no joy.
No beauty.

I am what I hate. I am nothing like you.
I want to be better I want to change but there's nothing left. it seems all the happiness you took with you is impossible to replace you took with you all my joy my dream my words my friends nobody can understand nobody can helpI'm doing something just so you know taking a yoga class try to make friends but in the quiet I know you're not there when I stop running working sleeping watching I know how much I've lost and how little I have left and you are the only one person I could have talked to you about it you could have helped me by just existing I don't have you and I don't have anyone this is so debilitatingbeing alone this is such a whiney whiney rants so selfish and pointless because no matter how many words no matter how much I try to think and process and feel it doesn't f** matter because you still won't be here and sometimes I don't think I can make it through but ultimately I have to because you doing what you did made it so painfully obvious that we are responsible for each others happiness responsible to each other to stay alive just one can set off the chain and I won t be that one.

When I get done smoking this cigarette, there will be no children to look in on. No baby giggles. Two little angels won't be waiting for me on the inside. I'm alone again. I've lost my best friend. And her two babies who stole my heart. Their stuff is packed, waiting for the heart breaker to pick up.

If this was good.
If this was pure.
If this was honest.

I could be happy.

But instead I'm left waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Waiting for the implosion.
Hoping I'm wrong.
Fearing I'm right.

When you lose someone to suicide, it's hard. Its terrible. But at least they are gone.

When you lose your best friend to a fake life that she has never wanted to a new person that has changed her beyond recognition
And you have to see her "happy" life pop up on your news feed

That's a different kind of hell.

Yahweh
Will you cry with me tonight
My world broken
No end of pain in sight
Will you lift me up and grieve with me in your arms
Will you be the friend I've lost
Will you protect our babies from harm
Will you promise me again once more
That your promise is still good
That I'll again hope
That I'll one day soar.
Take me high away from pain
Or give me strength to survive this night
Promise me there is an end to this
Though there is no break from pain in sight.

I thought we would be friends forever.  I never thought there would be a time when we wouldn't be. But I guess people change.

I'm harsh, yes.

But I'm still of the opinion that your actions speak louder than your words.

And the fact that you are willing to give up your faith, your promises, and your God for this pursuit of love, just means  
That
You are not here anymore.

The old you would have run like crazy
To help me.

To make sure that I didn't
Hurt myself.

But when you knew what I was going though. You simply said, "there's nothing I can do about it. "

The true opposite of love is nothing. No feelings.  I'm not there yet , but I feel as if its where I'm headed. Good bye.

All the beauty is quenched in darkness generating a ruthless pain.

Watching those I love self destruct purposely

Everything is blank.

And I am

Alone.

What am I mourning

Them or her.

Being alone
In a house full of people
In a house
Without hope.

You are my it.
You were the only one.

Now,

everyone has someone.

And I'm self mutilating,
biting my fingers past the quick.

I use to do it out of habbit, not willfully or knowingly. And hated the pain.

now,
I feel the pain as the quick tears
and it hurts
but
it's not that bad.


Some part of me knows it is time to take action,
to change my life.

now.
before it's too late.


But part of me says "go to bed"

"be awesome tomorrow."