I've smoked so many cigarettes my throat is swollen.
I'm
so
high
from painting.

My dining room is different. Brighter,
just enough

to keep me from the edge.

I don't know why it pulls me out,
May be I'm
channeling her.

Oh darling,

Why did you leave?

It's nearly 6 am,
I'm alone.
High.
Suicidal.

Wishing for you and Charles Bukowski.

Wishing for happiness.

for joi de vie.

I painted.
It's nearly sunrise,
but I survived.

Good Morning World,
I lived to see the day.

In honor of you,
despite of you.

Will the day dawn that doesn't bring devastation?

Without you,

life is just so
dark.

love you. Miss you. Wish you were here. .

Everyone else seems to be moving on.

Bully for them.

But I think my soul died with the gunshot
that you inflicted on yourself.

May be we've both changed.
I'm depressed, suicidal, and just can't find my way to happiness lately.

And you have broken my heart once again.
I want you to be happy.
Find your soul mate.
Someone who truly honors you, treasures you,

But once again,
you've chosen an abuser.
all in the name of love.

Honestly,
I can't ride this storm.
I can only love you one way, completely.
And
I Can spend every  night
heartbroken.

It's not safe.

I would explain it, but
you wouldn't understand.

You've been wrapped up in yourself for a while.
I just made excuses for it.

This is to say,
I wish you well.

I'm viewing it from my side. You're tired of being alone, raising two kids by yourself.

I can't blame you that you want happiness.

This is a love poem baby.
this is a wishing you well on your way.
Hope your dreams come true Lady.
I hope your love proves true one day.

Cheers.

You were my soul mate. And now that you're gone all I have is an empty soul

Broken dreams and the words of my heart have dried up producing only words about you.

I battle the darkness.
Just not as hard as I should.

I would never actively seek death.

All I want is one star. One example one person who understands.

Crying, walking home tonight in 6 inch stilettos I looked through my phone trying to find someone to call. C was holding a baby cousin and couldn't understand. R was the reason. And S was with R. M was not answering. And you are dead. I realized that once I had so many friends. And now, I have none that understand. I

Am. Without you. Sick. And heart broken.


When will this madness cease. When will this pain not hurt so ******* bad.

Lonely I am.
With out you.
Please come back
Or take me
Either option works

There is no shame
in cancer

just like there is no shame
in mental illness.

Be strong my brother
take heart my sister

fighting against this is an honor
a badge of courage

a war wound in the battle of humanity.
Seeking truth and beauty

in a world of evil and sin.

Reaching out is a gift to give
to another

That day. When your blood was not yet dry on the concrete. Is not so far removed from tonight.

That day is so real in my mind.
The call. The frantic drive. Stopping and yelling out your name. The cop saying they had gotton a call d.o.a.  I didn't believe it.

Til I rounded the lake and saw your brother
Head in hands.

"She's gone."

"Like gone gone."

And all.I could think was that there was no way that it could be true. That life was inconceivable with your absence.  

And tonight that seems
The same.


So mom.and I break down going through your things.
And still
Find it
Unbelievable.

Reminds me that your no longer wandering the globe

Reminds me I don't need to purchase cheap phone card mins

Remind me that I can no longer wait up to meet you between time zones

Remind me that you're gone.
And so my life is irrevocably changed
And
Empty.

They say that the oddest things smack grief into your face. No matter how long it's been
The oddest things
Bring you to you knees.

Here I am on my knees.
R.i.p