I want a cigarette not as much as I want you back

I need a moment. One more and ill make it last.

Give me that second, before the gun started to smoke.

Take me back 1100 am
Before there was no hope.

I ain't got a time machine, ill have to settle for smoke

Drifting out of my cigarette. This is how ill cope


Come back, back when you were you. Relax, my love will bring you through.
Let me be the light house disproving the dark. Let me go back in time and stop what trigger sparked....

Cause she's gone gone gone. Off with a shot. Bullet to the brain. Heedless to the cost. Seeking peace from pain. Finding what she lost. Leaving me ashamed of all the time I've got. Because now she's gone.

Times like now,
I wonder what it would be like to never eat again

To give up

Lately I've been not myself.

Trying to keep from breaking down in all the inappropriate places. Those seem to be the places where the emptiness hits the hardest.
Church.
Birthday parties
In public.
In crowds

I look at my sister and apologize
I'm not the person I use to be.
I'm no fun. I'm no joy. I'm no peace.

I look at my husband and apologize
But he hasn't noticed.

Only around friends and family of my deceased am I able to capture snippets of joy.

And pretend.

What haunts me now,
Is the possibility of awareness that she had.
I thought she didn't.

But
If she did

Then I should have fought harder
Reminded her more
That my love for her could never go away.

But

I ran. Scared. Inadequate. Unprepared.  

And now I'm alone.
All of my regrets and terrible nightmares
Just sitting here. Smoking a cigarette.

Waiting.

Miss you so **** bad today.

May be this is how it is.
We grow up and become less important to each other.

But it drives me nuts.

I would still do anything for you.

And you will only relocate
If it doesn't work out.

Kinda a little bit of bull
****


Not because you don't deserve to Happiness

Just because you acted like your motives were pure

And yet

Your biggest weakness

May be our down fall.

I've been waiting for you to come back.
For months.
And now it seems ill wait forever.

Heavens suppose to be a relief.
I'm not supposed to grieve like those without hope.

But my hope was that you'd survive.and I don't know how heaven will be like.

I'm not scared of dying but I'm ****** because we will never binge on food at grandmas. We will never watch ****** tv shows.

I'm pretty sure heaven doesn't have terrible "reality" tv.

Hope. Hope?

May be your hope is realized.

My hope is that ill wake up



And find this has been a terrible dream

Because this perspective is something I've never wanted.

It seems no more real tonight

Then it did almost two months ago.

Listening to your CDs.
Loving you
Missing you.

And life goes on
Somehow

And it doesn't seem real.