In the midst of
Missing you

I have been consumed
With your last months

The demons that had taken over
Tend to overshadow the better memories

Which is terrible
That wasn't you.

But that was the worst
And most recent

But today, I found bukowski
And your notes

And our pictures
"Master plan"

And I wanted to cry.
But also laugh

I hate how those few moments
Have come to define you

Even though they don't
Even though that wasn't who you were

Remembering the good
Is
Overshadowed

By your suicide.

And I hate it
And I love you

And one day may be
I can remember just the good

With out flashbacks
From the few months of your life that you weren't you

I pray for
That day


P.s.  thank you for the note

So much I should be doing.
Well, pretty only one major thing. and that is sleeping.
But like you, like me I'm not.

I'm just reading old emails from a person who will never send them again.
and it hits me new, every day.

that I'm alone without you.

I felt it, like the gun shot wound in me instead
but instead of death

it brought your absence.

pictures hit the hardest.

now I'm floored
asking
"really?"

I sit and wait for you.
I remember the talks, the food fights, the break downs in which I never took you seriously. The accidental alcohol and the survival that we did.

You, so confident, so you.

I felt underserving of your coolness, of your friendship. But I loved every moment.
You may have mocked, but I never felt like you truly cared about my red beret and just said to take it off for forms sake,

after all, we were only 12 or so.

Shows, and 4 hour laughter fits. Wal mart on roller skates.

Through our entire lives, I felt blessed to be your friend. And I never wanted to put you into a box to be close to you. No labels, just true, honest, just being who we were


I have never thought any girl was good enough for you.



We had to grow up sometime, but I'm no good at growing any way but wider.
And I'm not going to force you or pressure you to take my calls, or talk to me. I haven't done anything wrong that I know of so our non-communication is more of a i'm-busy-youre-busy type of thing.

Late at night I miss your voice.

This is just a note, dropping a line, wrote late at night with burning cigarette, to let you know that I'm waiting always to hear your voice. Some people claim that boys and girls can't be friends because there is that base ****** attraction.

I think they are wrong but then again, you're not a boy and I'm not a girl.

These things I pray for you,
happiness
joy
a passion that leaves your breathless
a purpose
resolution
and love

That one day,
that was the day I finally realized that I wasn't important.

not to you.

Everyone was laughing, excited. Recording your first demo, that was neat and new and we were 16 and thrilled.

I stood back (like I always seemed to)
and you noticed.
You said, "sing along with us on this one. We want everyone to be involved."

But I didn't know the words.
Because, you hadn't shared them with me.

so I left, because I realized I was only important when I was bringing down the vibe.

and I flashed back to that phone call,
when you nonchalantly mentioned we were best friends
and my world brightened for years because of it.

just that suddenly,
the light went out.

I stood there: laughing/crying
being
strong
for every one else.

what could my tears accomplish

comfort would not heal
what was
broken. what was lost.

I can be Strong. When EverY One is LooKing.

And then in the pictures, I saw the future.

The rewrites.  or "unwrites" writing me out of her past. blame and anger. of course you know, it was all my fault.

And I don't need comforting. from you. from anyone. All i need is a little acknowledgement from the people who loved her most.

that said, "hey, I loved her too. I know what you must be feeling."

Because even though I don't have that last memory, I have a million others.
i am privy to your secrets, her secrets.

and despite what you believe, you are not alone.

you may choose to be .

But this is me standing up and saying I LOVED HER TOO. ALMOST AS MUCH AS YOU IF NOT AS MUCH. I have lost too bro.

and I am broken
and feel alone.
and can't make sense of sunlight, water, or peace.

a cautionary tale. not a legend.