lying to yourself could only make
unfortunate outcomes easier
promises infused within cold steel
spewing out bloodstained comfort

from the start you could tell yourself
"i can stop when i want"
"i don't need this"
"i wont do it again"

but in a world where a promises
only fortune was to be broken
rekindling past flames brought
upon you bloodstained hands

even the dullest knife has a comforting tone
"i'm sorry"
"i'll never leave you"
"i need you"

here's what's going to happen.
we will sleep together
a few nights a week
for a few months.
we will talk on the phone
and our conversations will be
brief -- just to hear
each other's voice
at least once
every 36 hours.
we will get incredibly drunk
and we will believe
we miss each other
but we really won't
and we will believe
we are in love
and perhaps we are --
but after those months,
I will get used to
the crack in your voice
when you talk about
your family
and you will get used
to the way I cry
over films with
or without
happy endings.
your smile won't mean
as much
and there will be few
surprises
and love will have become
a habit -- and we won't
notice it anymore
even though it is
still there, sitting
at the coffee table
or between us in the bed.
we will amount
to nothing --
but I don't mind.

As I drift I find myself looking down at a beautiful copper fox coyly staring upward. Head cocked to one side, he is unafraid of my presence. I crunch through the snow to the chain link fence beside where he stands and he does not run. Through the diamond shapes I can see my belongings....a set of car keys, some credentials and my leather covered Bible. I cannot reach them. I look up slightly to see a police woman ranting on about how she found my camp nearby and confiscated my things. I realize I must get to them but how? I am cold. I begin to run and my path turns to a reddish brown. I no longer see the fox or the snow, I am aware that I am completely alone. I feel a panic and begin to imagine a wolf and what I might do in the instance he appears because I am unarmed! So I imagine I would roar like a lion and of course he would run scared. Ahead and to my right there is a tall rock. It is completely grey in color with possibly some greenery. A beautiful grey puma sits atop the rock. Is it possible for a puma to be grey? I do not know but somehow I know this large grey cat is a puma. I am nervous. I begin to jog. My path is soft, I am worried I may fall....the cat jumps from it's perch. I am running now, my heart is beating fast and the cat is gaining speed. He is right behind me now! I can visualize his body much faster, more agile than mine. I turn for just a brief moment and to my fright the cat places his paw to the back of my shoe and gently pulls my shoe down off my heel. He is toying, playfully. Time seems to slow down and I see the picture in slow motion. As he licks my heel I am lost in confusion and fear; my mind tells me he is in for a treat which is me, but somehow his actions seem harmless. I am terrified. Suddenly my heart speeds up as my eyes open! For a moment I am stunned then I breathe out, a sigh of relief.