Hesitation enveloped me in bubble wrap,
My every word was watched in case it led to a trap.
You were in a cell I couldn't and still can't understand,
I reached for you but I was bitten
by two midnight hounds by your sides.
My faith you earned and so it was given,
from golden memories over time.
How I longed to storm the barricades,
and surface you up to the world of air.
Hammer in hand, break you out of reverie your frozen cave,
That embitters your veins and hardens you like sandstone not to care.
Will you forever stay a Princess locked in your own palace?
Letting armies of thorns cascade from pillar to post,
and draw blood from with that defensive line of malice.
I know you as more than this, than a wisp, than this ghost.
Meant to leave more on this canvas than a hand print my dear.
A full scale portrait is more suited,
But you've become what you once so venomously despised and held in fear ,
Any whisper of a conscience muted.
"Do  you love me?", you whisper,
And I - most certainly do,
But the more you demand it of me
The more it becomes less true.
So take away your armour and lay it for aside for me.
So I know behind it all you are alive and I was right to believe.

We share blood you and I,
and have shared
golden pocketed memories, sticky ice-creamed fingers
back seats,smelly packs of cheese and onions crisps
and jokes about the two in the front arguing over directions,money- us.
Yet we couldn't be more polarized,
Your a young soul but your older,
you used to whisper scandalous grown -up things
and I  would swallow your information as gospel.
Under sapphire skies,
I'd follow you around just wanting your attention
and I know now how annoying it must have been
to have a whiny little sister wanting you to play Barbies.
And I won't lie,
I love you most days and hate you the rest
for all those times you'd beat me up(really just a punch)
and pronounce  me the Loch-ness monster and call me  fat.
It'll always be Love/Hate with you and I
I'm the chalk and your the cheese
but you make me laugh until my sides ache
and I know you love telling me the news of your latest exploit.
There's a camaraderie well that implied,
I've got your back and you've got mine.
we table tennis tease but we both draw a line
and we won't cross it.
because we share blood you and I,
despite nurture over nature
or blood is thicker than water
know this big brother
I love you as a person.

Casting astronomical aspirations into the perpetual abyss;
is like playing with fire and an arsenal of arrows
You can hit your target or by a mile you'll miss.
You swiftly fall into the trappings
of saving coppers for a rainy day
Unopened boxes still in their wrappings.
It's easier to look ahead,
Don't you dare turn your head around
to confront the lingering regrets palpable  instead.
Give me hope, future, give me dancing dreams
but I aim at the mountains zenith
and nothing is as it seems.
Blindly,stumbling into darkness
Hand reached out for something-
anything
to anchor me to this realness.
I ache to be the pioneer
for anyone who's hid behind
the pasts cloak and disappeared
To bow out of their performance before it's curtain call
Come back. give yourself a chance
to show them all-
that they were wrong
and your future is bright
because you
learn from whats been and throw yourself into this unwritten song.
So let this be my prophecy
We'll leave our stars more polished and repaired then before
To trust in tomorrow and hold hope dear
we'll make them see.

if girls are so good at painting their faces
i wish we could turn them loose on a real canvas
see what they really mean
when they paint those black lines
every girl is a painter
she needs a real canvas
da vinci is lurking behind those sultry lashes
trapped in the eyeliner-barbed wire
a concentration camp of cover-up
clipping their own wings
willingly
with eyelash curlers -
every girl is a painter.
i wonder what faces they would paint
if they stopped focusing on their own face
i wonder if they would still have clown-smiles
and slanted eyes

i am looking for the next van gogh
but he has camouflaged himself
and is dying in front of an empty mirror.

I’m full,
there is no room inside of me
every bone has been dipped in a thick coat
of something
sweet or sick
and every crevice has been poured all over,
now bowls of mixed icky stews –
I am full
there is no room for another hand
or fingerprint
or lemon poundcake

I am full, but I feel bare;
and I still don’t want you there

my body is heavy
with gooey webs of ghoul guilt and there is pressure
on my chest to pick myself up,
and get on with it
even as evil weighs me down,
tires me down,
pries me down,
and laughs at me struggling

I feel so full
there is no room to be smiled at
or even looked at;
there is no more room to store your stories
or secrets
or tears
or trust; it’ll all come falling down
like the London bridge
and I’d collapse underneath, into poisonous gasps and groans
of relief
that finally,
I
get
to
die.

I am full but I feel so empty
and I don’t want to die,
but I want to die;
but I mostly don’t want to die;
I just feel so empty
and I don’t want to be around you
because it doesn’t make it any easier
for me
to love me