Why do my heart flutters when I see you?
Why do my heart beats fast when I hear your voice?
Why do I have this feeling that you’re bad for me, a disaster in the making, a broken heart that can’t recover yet I don’t know exactly what we are?

Friends?
Colleagues?
In denial-lovers?
Or none at all?

Because to be honest, I don’t want to overthink but I can’t help it. Your actions is quite difficult to comprehend.

But if writing my feelings about you would help me move on from you, then let the words inside me flow out until I cannot write anymore.

The moment I stopped writing
I knew that my life is about to change.
The words inside me that are flowing,
Has started to dry out,
Made me feel alone, left out.

Two years since I left this site,
My mind has gone haywire.
The words I used to meet,
Now seems like it doesn’t exist.

Writing has been therapeutic for me,
It just sad that it’s too late now for me,
To recover from this depression and anxiety,
Despite of hundred talks from the therapy.

You’ll seat in your chair feeling all their eerie disappointments, high expectations and endless rants.
You’ll see them laughing and having fun at your wide window.
You’ll hear them talking about you, other people, the office.
You’ll begin to feel small, dizzy and worthless.
You’ll beg the wall not to squeeze you hard because you cannot breathe anymore.
You’ll beg your laptop not to scream memories and endless list of failures that he witnessed.
You’ll beg your mind to stop reminding you of your faults, of your wrong decisions.
But a knock on the door will save you. A small talk from the people who laughs at you will make you calm.
You’ll act nothing is happening.
You’ll act as if you do not care
Then you’ll repeat this until you cannot breathe... at last

Dear God,
forgive me if I told you not today.

When the rope inside my cabinet suddenly fall
and my brain cells start screaming to try it on.

When I saw a car driving at 120kph
and my feet itches to stop it.

When I saw my brother's sleeping pills
and my throat yells to swallow it all.

Or when my eyebrow shaver waves at me
and my wrists want to be written at.

Forgive me if I told you not today.

When I saw my niece smiling at me
and I suddenly want to witness how she grows.

When I saw the sun shines the sky even in light of the storm.

When I feel so down but people start cheering me on.

Maybe 2 weeks from now.
I can finally agree.
But maybe not.

I had another breakdown today.
I was walking in our street, the sun is out and the sky is beautiful, but it didn't stop my tears from flowing,
telling me that no matter how strong I thought I am is, I still need to step back and breathe.

I wiped my face after two, three tears fell, because my 3-year-old nephew was so happy waving his tiny hand as I pass by.
I smiled and asked God to keep me sane... even just for today.

I went to work feeling down and hotheaded. It feels like my colleagues don't want to do their tasks. I hate myself for a minute in accepting this job, but then I remembered those who don't have any on their table. 'I'm still blessed,' I said.

Then a minute ago, Mom called me up, asking me if I'm fine. And I said 'Yes.' because I don't want her to worry. I don't want her to see that I'm slowly dying because of my job. That at night I cry myself to sleep, thinking all the belittles and anger and curses that my boss throws at me. Hoping that tomorrow, if I'm still breathing
I will walk in our street
the sun is out and the sky is beautiful,