She sent a sharp
Question mark
Through my heart

Ritual cycle
Eat,  sleep and repeat
Fight,  sweat, beg and bleed
Cordless and bored
Can't afford a more important course
Tour the tunnels
Force the worm to sacrifice itself
Sleep away the overwhelming since that this is all there is
Ego is greedy and never satisfied
The destroyer, must avoid her
Try not to stare into her eyes
Fall in slow motion into a comfortably numb existence
The silence of revelation
The deadend of procrastination
The hollow beat of hearts encased captivity

In this silent daze
Hypnotized by life's repetitious ways
Fallen into this helpless pattern
I'm the addict
I'm the disaster
I'm the habit
It is my master
I fastened to my skin
Empty visions of distraction
To help keep me from slipping in
To the same painful routine
Night's sleepless
Days without dreams

For one night everything was
Almost
Like it was 3 months ago
I gave the kids hugs and tucked them into bed
It's  harder to heal a broken heart
When you're the one who dropped it
She's doing a good job of healing on her own
We still share a laugh and a smile
And long periods of awkward silence
We are forever connected
I was wrong
And I knew it from the beginning
Fate is an unworthy excuse
Yet
Here we are
Almost
Like it was 3 months ago
Me,  quietly grieving over another suicide
This time
It was someone I knew
Someone I connected with
during a handful of stolen moments in February
Now her little girl will never know her
Gone
Sometimes we don't get to say goodbye
I imagined her ghost walking into the room,
Asking me why I never called her back

I was drying out,  dying in the monotonous desert of time
I would rather sleep than breathe
Hollowed out chest an empty caress
A blessing I could not appreciate
The storm struck without warning
As I leaned over the edge staring into the unstoppable fury of this blue eyed sweet natural disaster
I surrendered to her
And she took me into a new reality
But what becomes of those I leave behind?
What becomes of my new found soul
A new love

I'd reach out to hold your hand
Even though inevitably
Your fingers would just slip away
God how I'd cherish such a moment
a memory I'd replay
I try to focus on the daily grind
Trying to fulfill a promise
But there's never enough time
My mouth spills the wrong words
The bleeding heart directly links
to my lips
You call me your soulmate
And then you turn away
I tie a knot in the chords to my thoughts
Silence is all I'll say
You hide behind this idea of strength
And I hide behind the days
I wait
I let you have the last word
It's better to let you wonder
I lose myself in lyrics
The sky produces thunder
I don't care that no one else will understand
Your face is always there
Keeping me in this trance

If you want to spoil me,
Spoil me with loyalty
I've stitched my heart too many times
I won't pretend
I won't lie
I want to spend
The rest of this life
In our forever box
But I know people change
And expectation leads to dissapointment
So I will harden my armor
Just in case

I can't help but start a fire
I like to watch the flames dance
They seem to almost kiss
For just a moment
Now a memory

We are to dance in poverty
We could have more
But to be poor
Your self worth is not grounded in their perspectives
Soul ****** into a cell phone
Cannot
Cannot call home
Lost in our digital new millennium
Growing old too quick
We try to clone those moments
Spread our systems
Destructive tradions
Reluctant unknowing
Now growing resistance
Spot of DNA is all we need
To bring
Ingredients ill conceived
Lyrics that we bleed
Smoke we'd rather breath
Than this cancerous disease
Falsified democracy
On the brink of
The extinction
The end sequence
Leaving fossils for the future to find
All in good time
All in
Good time

If I were a believer
I'd leave her
at the alter of my eye
Sometimes It's better
To let go of forever
Than to have to say
Goodbye

All I've been wittled down to
is your survival tool

Nothing I appreciate more
Than a listening eye
An honest mouth
And a genuine smile
A voice absent of daggers or broken glass or whatever weapons most use to cut down
To hurt
There is power in your soul
Use it to love and to console
Those of us who are broken
Or vessels of repaired cracks
Feel harder
The stabbing breath of the bitter

There may be 10,000 ghosts in this old house,
But they can't stop me from dreaming about you

Her name alone
The mere thought of the sound
Replaces love
My baby girl

Today you dried your mouth out.
Tried out sobriety.
Apathy left you in the dark.
Spitting back ashes.
The flames left you little lipstick kisses.
The dead bury their heads deep, but you can still see their necklaces.

I never felt comfortable
A stranger
Born at the wrong time
In the wrong place
An identity
Anonymous in the chaos
of my thoughts
I found a knife
And I found this rock
And then I began to cut off
All the ugly parts
that I didn't like
And there was little left
when I was done

I had made some special plans for us.
I even went ahead and booked my heart in advance.  It would be empty,  waiting.  
I told you that my most fatal character flaw was my habit of pushing my luck.  
Had I known that pulsing beneath the surface of your chest lie an ego fueled beast of cold, cruel anger,  I might have held back.
But I, I don't blame you.  No,  on the contrary, I feel the weight of my poorest choices of words.
Perhaps If I had not pried myself from your web I'd still be trapped there in your trance waiting for the day that you finally decide that I was tasty enough to devour.
Yet,  you'd merely tease me with that sweet death.  And I,  just like you,  am filled with greed. Give me what it is I want.  Allow me to martyr my body on the alter of your flesh.
I could not wait any longer.  An undecided spider surely will not go without dinner,  will she?
But I am no longer on the menu.
And all your hatred could not bring me back.  
Such a sad ending for those of us that Still allow such weakness to creep in.  Haunting reminders of beautiful possibilities. Never to be.

Another Monday has arrived with teeth exposed
Ready to consume
Hungry for dreams
For hope
For whatever has kept me going this long
Maybe nothing more than
That human need to survive
To feed my future
With every scrap I've managed to rip away from our oppressors
With hands of treachery outstretched
A smile only fools could trust
Spine straight and head forward
I'll never show them weakness

Things I say but do not do
I love you
Lust an empty
Awakened activity
In midsleep
Empty

I watch all of the                    
Doubt
Anger
Jealousy
Fear
Longing
Swirl together
In bright neon colored waste
Spinning
Counter clockwise
Down the drain
I wash my hands
And exit the room
Breathing is getting
A little easier now
But what of tomorrow?
I wonder  selfishly
Follow the plan
Detach
Observe
Extract
That which I can
Extract
again

Settle in
           To this uncomfortable seat
And strap in
Im driving
      There's little use for these
Rearview reminders
I'm going
      To pick up a few strangers
Along the way
       I once was like them
Needing a ride
               Hands on the wheel
Eyes open
But my mind keeps going
Back to her gaze
          And that's the only place
In this ******* ******* universe
             That I want to be
Yet,
             I drive

Honestly it feels like i haven't written in months. Even though it has only been a couple of days.
I feel dry.
Empty.
My eyes are closed
and to each side of me
I reach my arms out.
I touch the smooth cold metal walls.

Is this meant to be
A fresh and quite violent dream
For one day I awakened
In this body
And I ****** everything up ever since

You either jump
Or you find yourself one day
Wiping the bitter
Regret from your wrinkled
Lifeless face
Still wondering
If she would
Have been
Waiting there
With the rest of her life
Stuffed in a suitcase
Waiting to take your hand
To where ever your entangled
Fates would lead

When this fever breaks the levee
Salt water eroding the sand
A sea of old emotions
That got out of hand
A Hot water tsunami
Ignored the warning
A sunset hidden
Beyond the clouded thought

The calm eyes lay upon the chaos
The deep still water
The sea content to see the sky repent
The air
The companion
The water
The protection
Shielding the lurking ugly nature
In the deepest shadows
Beyond the edge of the sun

The unexpected ones seem to care more when you're suffering
When you're like sunlight the others drown themselves in your presence
When your eyes become dull and broken
There's not so many flowers in the field

I begged to be forgotten
Breaking promises like there was nothing better to do
And now I am

I can't help you. You know by watching me or at least from your passive glances that I'm having quite the time keeping my own head above water.
I can listen. I can empathize.
I hope that is enough.
She must have been something special.
When everyones feet are red and eyes are starred
When she is in the ground.
When everyone is lying awake at night
       hurting.
     I can imagine
  The pain.
I can shed tears for this stranger little soul
Whose path I've crossed in this life.
Why does death bring us all closer if only for a moment?
And life
        Drags us farther every day into the grip of the unavoidable end

Stubborn selfish me
Wanting everything and never being happy
Always relying on others to fill that void
The hurt I cause will surely haunt me
There was an intensity between us
I became addicted and nothing else mattered
If I could pray
I'd pray for your happiness
For your peace
For your joy
I wish I could have been the one to make all your dreams come true
I wish I could have been the one that you could rely on

I cannot stop
Every morning
You're the first thought
Today I almost
Was able
To gain some sort of control
But then you said
Hello
Every day
I'm like a mouse in a maze
Searching for a way
Past these walls
I almost gained
Some sense of reason
I almost conceded my defeat
And then you said
Hello
Hope your day is well
But it's honestly hellish
Soon as I have some hope
You go out of your way to make me jealous
I understand the circumstances
Yet I've offered to sacrifice my life
Just for a chance with
Or an opportunity to explore
But you always shut that door
As soon as I turn the ****
And rob us both of something more
But I don't know how to quit
Your my last thought at night
And this is starting to make me sick
But I don't know how to stop
Quiet my conscience
In the first morning moments
Awaiting those eyes
To pull me out of focus
Displaying your lies
For the whole world to notice
Honesty resides in your mind
But you hide it
If you're waiting for me to
Break free
Without a commitment from you
Then that's an uneven bargain
But I'm willing for you
Yet you say you're still confused
And that should tell me all that I need to know
yet you recapture me in this rapture
And all you had to say was
Hello

I spent most of the night rambling on about this girl I'll never be with.
I must commend my friend for listening to my pitiful analogies and expressions.
Ive been a nonbeliever for many years now, but when our eyes met
The only thing i could feel was
So seemingly supernatural
I'd give my ******* left arm to feel her kiss.
I really didn't think this sort of thing was real,
Until her smile turned me into an addict
Her voice
Veiled all those things
Im not supposed to know

I've already let it go
At least that's what I tell myself
I know she's better off without me
I've always known that
I'm just selfish
That's all there is to it
I see something beautiful
And want to make it mine
Not my place
I'm waiting for the lights to go out
The wind to blow with a fury
Hard enough to make me forget about you
For a little while
The sounds of this house
numbing
The television too loud
The faces longing for my attention
So ill eat something
I'll drink tonight
Expecting to express how pathetic I feel
How pathetic I am
I won't communicate
Not to those that really matter
I rarely smile here
I'm lost in the impossible
Selfish
A fact
I wont even try to fake it anymore
Like it doesn't hurt
Like it doesn't matter
That's what she wants

Earlier
Before the sun was set
I had five minutes alone
With the universe
I remember thinking
That they could not take the air
Or the sky
They won't take anything that really matters
Except for time
But
If this is the end
All was not wasted
Just fragments
In between spaces
Those moments
Where pain is best forgotten
Anger laid to rest
No longer that sharpness
In my chest
I could easily
Rest
One day
If I'm lucky

Born Words
The white skin of this
Newly acquired messenger
Fresh and waiting for the ink
Of my needle
Vibrates on subatomic level
As I tattoo new verses
I ache like the old man
Collection of heartbreak
Inviting beaten bones
Along this singular path
Of dissolution
I'm awaited
Crowded
Needed and exposed
A quite life
Where the sounds in my head
Are becoming harder, louder
By each syllable of thought
I struggle to deprogram
It must be done to grow
To live
To breathe air that doesn't burn
To hear clearly that voice
That is not
Unlike my own

I hold on to every single letter
Of every little message
I take a deep breath
Respond in
Hopeful honesty
There's something different
In the connection between us
You and I both know
That there is no going back
To whatever normal was
There is no going back
To the days when we'd pass
Each other and not feel that
Magnetic electric current
That flows between us
It exists inside and beyond us
Pulling us toward as destroyers
To create a new life as one
Shall we fall together in this eternal dive? Lock your hands in mine and don't look back at the flames as the world burns
Turning the past to ashes
Disregard the echoes of the voices
They will fade
Disregard the judgmental looks
Of those that do not,  could not understand
Keep your eyes steady
On mine
This is our life,
Im ready to jump
I'm just waiting for you

Learning to breathe
Release my grip
Let go
I tell myself
To know
Is to free myself
Of any illusions
Of control
There is no right way
To despair
A muse to amuse my ego
How I used you
Because you were
There
but I,
I let go

I wake up every morning and wonder how long I am going to continue to do this.
Am I a lifer?
My how how that term misrepresents the overwhelming dread I feel when I open my eyes and tell myself 'Just one more day.'

I found myself lost on a familiar street full of merchants peddling corporate goods.  Many of the people seemed injured,  possibly handicapped from birth. Finally a familiar face appeared in the crowd. "Carl" I said, "What day is it?" "Monday or Tuesday" he replied Looking exhausted like a soldier fresh from battle. "Well, what time is it, where am I?" I questioned further.  "The city of Charlotte, at The End of California." He replied.  "The year 2416." My next question escaped my lips with a sudden desperation. "Where is Serena? I have to find her!" "She stays over by the TV station." He replied.  "Where is that?" I asked.  "I don't know man,  I don't know." He vanished into the crowd.  
         I must have stumbled into a vortex,  a wormhole into an alternate reality.  
        I had a destination at least.  And as I began to question this reality,  I awakened from my dream,  wondering if I would ever find her.

I come down hard like a landmark targeted heart
A falling star destined to scar and then fall apart in your arms
All eyes on the body language
Words get lost in between the moments our pupils cross and become locked and dilated
This sweet fascination may be two dangerous relationships lay wasting at the feet of fate's ultimate destination
A life lived uninspired
You are no muse
Merely to amuse this ego
Eyes like green fire
A sacrifice to use as you desire
What will become of us
When we learn to trust
Lust in a small town
As we await the fallout?
Naked ring finger screaming unavoidable obstacles
Pain is probable
Alternative timeline in real time
To believe the impossible
You adjust what we must to contain this attraction
Single out distractions
Interference and static

Youre unavoidable
Trust me
Ive tried
For so long
I never was a believer
I swear I was a nihilist
All the way through my bones
But that all changed
The day I met you
I pass the time
Trying to slow down my heartbeat
learning to breathe
Calming that rhythm
Clearing the subconscious
easing into the quiet serenity
Of this darkened moment
Becoming comfortable with
The shadows that surround me

Perfect love discarded like the ashes of a fallen friend
My greed has led me down this path
This dark and unknown road
My heart has deceived me once again
If I could go back
If I could rewind
I'd have control
I'd keep what was once
Mine

We all make mistakes
And I hate to say this
Or admit that this is the most dangerous
And damaging thing I think I've ever done
I am none
I am numb
I'm in a panic
That I can't handle this
I want to dismantle this ****
Before it sinks the ship
The holes let all the death in
Demons embedded inside my head and crept in
Wondering where I've been and whose bed I've slept in
My brain bled in and suffocated my nonexistent soul
I try to take a breath in
But your air is too **** cold
Will nothing make me whole
I'm out of my own control
I've bought and sold my time for all the right lies
You see nothing left
Unless it's left to die
I can't go on
Tonight

I wake up slow
Clenched jaw
Face muscles don't respond
When I tell them to smile
What will I do when this goes wrong
What will I say
When they realize
I don't belong