I wonder if I've outgrown you --
That Ive shed my skin I didn't know I was wearing
But you are heavy
And I am struggling
I wonder if I am wrong for it
I wonder if comfortable is really correct
But my eyes sting and my heart aches
Every time I hear you speak
In my mind I see me crawling away
But why do I crawl back?

Dark clouds, scatter;
scatter and flee.
Brighter days, lighter days,
come quickly to me.

Hurry days, weeks, months and years
and sweetly, swiftly hurry til I am near
days of deliverance, days of no fears,
only my Beloved, my only dear.

I may as well make you slither
On the underside of your belly
For the rest of your ****** days
Seeing how you have deceived me
And then covered a wound with dust.

My life has been molded
by the world of 15 minute increment agendas
and 150 character updates by the second.

My body has been pacified
by the world of liquid sugar satiation
and instant edible gratification.

My mind has been conditioned
by the world that favors extroverted personalities
and introverted abdomens and collarbones.

I live, move and breathe
in the world that is scared of freethinkers
and will not succeed in boxing me in.

In my world, I define my own worth.

My child
My child who sits by herself
With tears welling and a tidal wave of emotion
Too overwhelming for your tiny frame
Your precious mind
Your beautiful heart

Do you know that you are beautiful?
My child who watches the children play and laugh
My child who thinks and feels
With the world passing, acting, doing, ignoring
Do you know that you are worth the world?
Has anyone told you your hair falls in soft waves of gold
And your eyes are light and radiant?
Do you know that you are capable of even the things that scare you most?
Would you believe that you are every kind of lovely?

I dreamt that a
               covert visitor
               was at my
               door...

I awoke in a sweat
               at the thought
               of something
               more...

You like me for the me that doesn’t make your coffee strong enough
the me that always seems to make you late
the me that almost burns a batch of cookies
the me that can't park straight to save my life
the me that absolutely hates being tickled
the me that takes some comments a little too sensitively
the me that keeps you up too late and makes you lose sleep
the me that never fully succeeds at using chopsticks
the me that takes a lifetime to decide what to eat
the me that insists you must trim your mustache
the me that needs your shoulder to cry on
the me that worries this “me” is too needy

And somehow you can put your hands right on my deepest insecurities
Exposing my vulnerabilities while covering me gently with love
Because I know I’m safe in your arms and you make me want to believe the sweet words you say.

Together,
facing the same
appearances:
this strong complexion of the
beholder.

The human life
on one side of
hope,
reflecting
the secret
frame of mind.

You
mean so much
more, my dear,
look
how your
eyes
look at him.

The
Light
of
a candle,
elegant
and charming,
in fact,
it's the next thing
quite as satisfactory to me.

Someone once told me
there's an exception to every rule
In my clear cut world
Its hard to believe a paradox like you:
Like a snowfall in July
And the moonshine at noon
But All I know is when
I look into your eyes
I want it to be true.

I've been a sojourner in all the wrong places for all the wrong reasons
But  I have no intention to stop because through every season
All the clear pathways were barred and locked
So I just stumble along out of rhythm with the tick of the clock.

She's alive
But hardly living
Because her painful thoughts slow her down
As everything seems to carry on around her
Passing her by, speeding her up
Beyond her comfort zone
Because the words don't come
The feelings don't form
The thought races won't stop
And the monsters never die.

But **** is she
Alive.
Her inner life glows
A light so pure and rare
It's easy to recognize
But hard to find.
There's a symphony no one is attuned to hear
A work of art she's longing for someone to appreciate
And it's lonely
It's ******* lonely feeling like everyone's light is recognized
Everyone's is shining so bright
That hers is overshadowed and insulted.
She's alive
But it's killing her.

I live in a world of over abundance and overprotection,
With two little gates keeping me in and holding me back,
Like the harness around the sidewalk-dog's neck.
His owners stroll down softly rolling roads,
Passing the cookie cutter stucco homes
With the porch lights that never flicker imperfection.
The pedestrians amble with fingers interlocked
And kept behind their backs,
Like a secret they can't help but hide
From whatever may crumble or shine outside the gates.

The early years of the
Relationship
Had been quite
Ardent and steadfast.

He called her his
"Dear"
And she, in turn,
Shared completely his devotion.

She had a great deal of
Innocent
Years.

Both
Bitterly resisted the
Desire for a dispensation,
But
As early as
All
Ladies
Fight
To restore
Order,
Her words
Died the next
Day.

I'm told I could never save you...
                                  that only the scarred-hand man could love you so.
But by stringing words together...
                                  it seems I've given you immortality.

The key to
following
the possibilities
for
love:
you will be giving
the good
sweet
months,
the current summer,
to ensure that
you
check
your
next step.

Send me
into
the perfect way
to find out what adventures we'll have.

Where we play,
sacrifices were made.

You told me I was rude.
You implied that I was tired.
You were hiding by the wall.

You failed to see me wipe away two tears.
You failed to understand that I am trying.
And it’s clear to me now that trying isn’t working.

You spoke for hours,
Drawling on as I sat across from you.
I stared blankly at my shoelaces,
And I could hear the weightless words.

I rubbed my tired eyes --
The same eyes you never knew weren't blue.
In the black fog I saw your true actions,
Speaking louder than your weightless words.

Back when she had pigtails and mary janes
The nice lady gave her a clean sheet of paper
and told her to write down what her mommy gave her
"She gave me my dimples and sparkly blues eyes,
She gave me my laughter and a smile so wide"

Now that she's got dyed hair and cut off blue jeans
The nice lady took out a clean sheet of paper
and that's when she wrote down what her mommy gave her
"She gave you your flushed face and unsteady hands,
She gave you your panic and anxious demands"

We said maybe.
Well, maybe I reminded you of her.
Maybe you were a dog returning to his *****.
Maybe I was the closest one to give myself away.
Maybe there's no use in maybe.

Lately
I've been searching for
a place between help and harm.

Correct me
if I'm mistaken,
but I've found it in your arms.

If you can imagine a world where sunlight
drops
from
the
sky
and forms radiant puddles all around...

If you can imagine a world where rays
of
    rain
           glisten
                      above
and form an aquatic blanket for us...

That is the world where you and I will be together.

Take me back to the days of a Ghanaian sunset.
When hope dwelled above the waters of despair
And I gazed into the eyes of a sinking soul.
Where trust and fear were honest and pure --
Felt in the mountains, cities and fishing boats alike.

I want the hot air, the mango juice dripping down my hand, the dirt kicked up around my shoes, the roosters in the streets, the taxi cab dodgeball games, the eggshell passenger rides, and the shy children singing across from me on the shore. Because I want it all back.

It's the feeling I had when I was there in a wide space so open -- it is a feeling I call free.

My care for you
is no justification
to torture myself.
You cannot wrong me
and keep me still.

I am my own,
I am not yours  -- which seems to be how you wanted this.

My concern is not if you win, however
but whether I choose to lose.
I will be free of you, in every sense free.

I shouted to the world:
"I want a love I can feel so deeply inside of me that my bones tremble.
I want to be known by someone so deeply that my body turns transparent.
I want to trust another so deeply that all my fears dissolve like snow.
I want to find a lover who loves me so deeply that his very blood flows free for me."

And I cried to the world and I searched for my own
When, still and small, I heard Him come to me:
"Have I not opened your blind eyes?
Be still. I have loved you, so deeply."

You are every word I meant to say.
You are the daisy chain from my youthful reminiscence that I never had a chance to wear.
You are the place in the darkness where I'd like to hide that I never quite found.
You are the breath on the back of my neck in the middle of a sleepless night that I swear I can truly feel.
You are my almost.

I tried to sleep away this sickness and sorrow
but when I finally awoke, all I felt was low
I tried to drown the feeling in a cup of hot tea
but the warmth and aroma only made it grow

I'll ask Charlie, Sam and Pat to get you off my mind
but I'm too filled with the thought of how long you'll need time.

When I tell you
“I don’t know”
it’s because my thoughts will not stop racing
and the fog in my head will not recede.

All I really know is I want you now
Even if I shouldn’t
And I’m not good at taking things
One day at a time.

Could I spend some time with you,
Would that be okay?

Even if we both know that
You'll have to go away?

Because I'm lonely and you've missed me and I need a way to feel.
Just know that it's all personal and you're not my plan to heal.

You used to fit just like a glove.

That was when you held my heart
And every day was paradise in your arms,
A lullaby to my soul by night
With you standing over me.

But sometime in between a first kiss
And a last glance came a day
When you lost your grip
On what mattered most
In unknown ways -- and I grew scared.

Now your hands are empty
And my heart's turned to ice
And when I see you I can't help
Wondering what mattered most.

Crowded as the stars
Yet I am insatiable
As longing sets in

Knowing you** was a dream.
Your eyes have since  vanished,
Elusive to me, as the wind blows and
Sends a shiver down my spine.
I am agitated as I try to remember
The moments I spent forgetting you.

I’m giving up on hearing from you again
After I thought maybe we could mend
All of our broken, bitter parts
born of sick and twisted hearts

Now you drift away
The past led me astray
No questions left today
Now you drift away

I’m finding peace in hollowness
And all your missing sentiments
I will no longer spare my thoughts
On how we should have cast our lots

A ghost, you drift away
And no, I cannot stay
In departing, I shall pray
To forget my memories and drift away

I need you in ways I can't control:
In addictive little ways that grow through the months.
Space between leaves me insatiable.

I need you in ways I don't understand:
In strange little ways that creep up on me.
Time apart leaves me confused.

I need you in ways I won't accept:
In conflicting little ways that play with my mind.
Complex circumstances leave me reluctant.

I need you in ways that force me to wish you never needed me.

Let's play disconnect
And detach you from reality.
Slowly but surely,
You'll lose all your ability.
A limb here, your eyesight there,
Until you've reached calamity.

Lie in pieces on the ground,
The future's all but hopeless.
No reason for you to fight it,
Less reason to try and protest.
In the end, maybe you'll see,
By then you should notice --
If life's disconnect is a tragic flaw,
It's one that only plagues the best.

It's curious to think
our individual body parts
do very little
to tell our stories
or reveal our identities.

But when added
together and contextualized,
we comprehend more
than words can bear.

I wonder how many
pieces it takes
to recognize
a puzzle as such
and for fragments to
heed deeper meaning.

I wonder at what point
the soul enters and attaches
itself -- and at what point
we dignify ourselves
as more than
mobile jigsaws.

Sudden and guided, they met
Cordial and shy, they agreed
Naive and ready, they walked
Blissful and rosy, they slept,
Slowly and gravely, they learned
Steady and hopeful, they tried
Brash and uncontrolled, they fell
Weary and dismayed, she cried
Trapped and worried, she searched
Selfish and busy, he worked
Stagnant and spoiled, they live
Loveless and lonely, they'll die

Like honey on bark,
They came together:
All at once, they collided.
Collecting debris on the descent,
She finally dropped
With the sound of regret
Echoing behind her --
Her only consolation
That someone might taste
And understand
Her rare and pure sweetness:
The one that spoke of
Honey on Bark.

I can bring you down:
Down until you're numb.
Like the burn in your throat,
I'm the whiskey on your tongue.

I can lift you up high:
Until you're feeling a rush.
Like I'm running through your veins,
Like you've had more than enough.

I can give you everything that you need.
Tell me what you want me to be.
I can be anything I need to be
For you.

Restraint can serve as a harness for the soul:
A stopper so the sparks do not overflow
And billow over to meet the skin,
Ripping the seams from the chaos within.

But restraint can serve as a cruel barrier:
A gate - locked by naivety and terror
That leaves your blood placid and spoiled with time;
It'll eat at your bones and then tremor your mind.

i was holding on and scripting it out.
i fought away my doubts and finalized my plan.
you were mine, I was convinced and consumed.
you knew my plans, could guess my thoughts.
you agreed indifferently, while I toiled away.
little did I know that as I forged your name,
made it into a pact, you resolved to beat me down.
you snuck away from my sick little plan.
now you're a refugee of a fairy tale that's
eroding into bits of dust - an archaic glimmer,
now dulled with time that still asks me
why and
what now?

I've been keeping myself busy these days
Because when my mind goes quiet
All I can think of is you.

And thoughts of you
Just overwhelm me.

They cloud my vision
So that all I can do is miss you.

No matter the amount of people around to distract me
From my disorienting thoughts of you
You are the only person I want to see.

In that moment of distress
All I want is to tell you I'm sorry
And that I can fix our broken pieces.

I can do it with my bare hands.

But when I really, truly see you
All I can do is think of how
You don't feel the same.

And then my mind won't stop racing.
So I don't tell you.
I miss you.

These are still the early days.

And I wonder what it takes to turn early days to shades of gray.

The first exchange of a cherished, sweet sentiment
Followed by a second, third, seventh and tenth.
Fingers discovering unexplored skin
Moments of passion catch again and again.
The voyages fresh, never traveled before
Hold deep potential for a lifetime of more.
The distance of inches feels miles apart
And the distance of time has still yet to start.

Moments and milestones will accompany us
To a place of lackluster feelings and rust.
So I cherish my early days, sparkling bright
And pray that the motions of love treat us right.

It was unexpected in every capacity!
In the middle of the night with such audacity!
Not a soul to witness this grand catastrophe:
When she sprouted wings--at last! To be
A restless night owl flying fast and free.
Now my stars will never be the same to me,
Now that I - the night - have company.

Dig down deep and find the warmth,
I guarantee it's  hiding in there somewhere.

Wear it like a royal crown,
Reflecting light and attention everywhere.

Because you are a masterpiece,
Covered in the rags of beggars.

You don't need to be what you've always been.

Sparkle like the newborn moon,
And I'll shine as your sun on the other side.

Just listen close,
Perfect my rhythm,
And I'll always balance you.

Be the sparkle of the moon.
Be the spark that's all brand new.

Clothed in pure delicacy,
A new creation emerges for the dawn of day.

Trudge on through the murky haze,
Struggle and stumble as you may.

Because you are a
masterpiece.

A spark that's all brand
new.

At the stroke of five o’ clock
The crew begins to trickle in the door for
Josie’s Slumber Party.
Hand cut finger sandwiches adorn
The chestnut coffee table already brimming
With nail polishes and eyeshadows
In hues of peacock blue and bubblegum pink
And temptress scarlet red. The girls
Romp around the room like ballerinas
Dressed in everything from soccer shorts to
Mama’s high heels. Two sizes too big.
Practically ladies as they gloss their lips but
Girlish giggles and squeals reveal their
Youth: Age ten; age eleven; age twelve.
And in the middle of this fine affair
Polished nails are used to pick at teeth;
Makeup adheres to bangs, braids and ponytails.
Bare hands brush through the knotted hair of
Any and All. Beauty  – of course – is collective, yet
Dignified.


As if to call the girls over, lure them in so painfully slow,
The sprinklers awaken on the front lawn and spill forth
Waterfalls of childhood memories. Running barefoot
during the searing summer dusk. The girls are under
The Spell. Feather boa and lipstick at hand, they make
A mad dash for the lawn. The squeals are louder, more
Vibrant than before. With grass stains on their gowns
and water re-tangling their freshly styled hair, these
Ladies could not be any more proper.

With streaks of blue running through your veins,
May I please, can I please hold on to your wings?
Let's fly fast, but let's be steady,
Because I might not be quite ready,
To soar recklessly above the city lights,
Blazing blue, like you, in the heart of night.
But if I see the wind dance through your hair,
I could just toss aside every care,
About who I am, and where I'm going.
With your freedom, there's no sense in knowing.

It would be nice..
To stop the reluctant patter of my footsteps
To silence the noises playing tetris in my head
To end the fidget produced by my hands
To rest my weary body in some comfortable corner

It would be nicer...
To catch an ounce of reassurance behind your stare
To concentrate on anything other than your mean sparkle
To learn the magic behind the art of tranquility
To do more than display forged smiles

It would be nicest...
To escape
To overcome
To prove
To shine

You keep a garden
Some of your arrangements are to

Boast and show off
Delight in and keep for yourself
Alter with curiousity and growth


So you keep this beautiful garden
With every right intention

For leaves to sprout with confidence
For stems to hold firm and sturdy
For flowers to flaunt beauty and rich color


But do you see your precious garden
Is so riddled with weeds?

Weeds that expose iniquity
Weeds that slowly eat away
Weeds that make your Father frown!


Try as you may, in your garden**
To hide or otherwise ignore your ugly weeds

But your leaves, they will crinkle
Your stems will fall short and break
And your petals will surely wilt.

Burrow down and hide
It's fine, this time
This time.

Think away and escape
It's alright, you're safe
You're safe.

Forget it now and begin
It's okay, start again
Again.


This time, you're safe, again.

If I watch your departure with that glint in your eye
Would it tear me apart that you can't say goodbye?
What can I hold on to when I learn it's a lie
That's you'll always be there with each tear that I cry?


If words are stone and emotion simply waves
How can you so easily toss your heavy words away?
Will you please at least realize that while waves change by day
Your stone left an imprint, and it's here to stay.