Months and weeks consume us as our feet drag in the slowest of shuffles. I've worried for years about my personality and if that's what gets me in the trouble I'm in. Thankfully I have nothing left to worry about, as my thoughts have been more than confirmed. I've infected and emotionally crippled the people I've come into contact with and abandoned, and I'm shocked? I've felt like a horcrux every individual day of my life. And what have I done to change? What can I? How does it take 21 years for a person to develop the ability to recognize their actions and yet still not their face? I feel uneducated about anything to do with myself after over a year of carving myself out until now, I'm more than hollow. I am non-existent, waiting for someone to pick up my crumbling existence and blow it away like dandelion fluff.

I'm going insane. He's got swarms of girls flocking each side to scream in his defense. He's got bros upon bros who will vouch for him, even though they know he's worthless. He's got friends in high and low places and moods that dip in between. He's a teen.
He's pathetic, but not scrawny, he's tough and weak and just pain *******. It's difficult to blame him for things that he's done when he blames himself for things that he hasn't. His life is a trapdoor. Anyone who walks through is stuck in a small space which swallows the soul. My soul.

Time is stopped and there is a heart on pause pressed into my shoulder. Like a boulder drawing breaths, his lips are on my neck and his hands are in my pocket. A heart shaped locket takes his place as his plane flies and my heart flutters then lies still like time is paused. All I can do is heave into the hollowed porcelain as my heart clanks like hail against the window of my ribs and I want to drive but the storm is too heavy, like it’s winter and I won’t make it home for Christmas in this blizzard.
I draw his face into the stark white canvas with my brush and it may not match the picture, but it matches my memory as my hand stands still and I want to kiss the still-wet green of his eyes. Each step I take is heavy, like the gravity on saturn has taken me over and it feels like I’m walking without time, as his laugh does not echo the halls. Deserted walls and glass coated floors, fallen pictures from slammed doors, swept to the side with unfeelingly cut feet. Isn’t it neat to be numb to most everything and most everyone?
Friends all pretend saying how I feel should be the song I sing to let the halls ring and fill the silences of my hell. They know all too well they are just acting silly, trying to prevent my grey sorrows from clouding my home the way it will. And it will, whether they interrupt my clouds with their poorly painted rainbows or not. Bared feet trip and a heart beat skips repeatedly against the hard wood floor that is pressed against a face that feels like mine. I know the news before they come; I’m not dumb. Yet it is hard to pretend to such prestigious people that everything in this house is fine.
Men as tall as skyscrapers, dressed as sharply as a new pair of scissors, clip the tips of my fingers to ice cold shreds with a typed out letter and a whispered apology. Like any sorry is going to take my broken heart and tie all of the dead pieces together. Life is paused as I remember the tear that swam in his eyes but didn’t fall. The tear that glided back into his ducts and didn’t survive to prove he’d yearn for me in the lengthening midnights. As though he would have rather been more man than lover and our good bye could be easily cut short. His letters were tear stained and curt, stopped short and sweet so many months ago that I knew then, what I definitely know now, in my heart.
I can’t stop the slam of the door, the noise that falls before it hits my ears as men shocked with the electricity of my energy leap about an inch off the cemented porch. My heart pounds and I can feel myself chasing a target unknown that just grows in my mind’s eyes. I feel as though my friends are spies and if I don’t move fast enough, they’ll destroy my plans and convince me that anything besides what my hammering heart wants will be more valuable. As if there are canons going off, my feet race across the hard wood floors and I know one thing.
I miss him.
But I’ll see him soon.

I thought I was twitching
From the glitching system of time
But it seems my thoughts have
Turned to you

I thought I had stuttered
From my muttering mind
Coughing up words
That have nothing to do

With the world formed around me
And the people all stuck there
Because the image of you is
Built in my brain and I can't shake it out

I don't feel sick.
I don't feel the cold sweat spread across my skin as the infection travels
That sweat was already there
It appears every morning when I wake
Its dampening presence will either grow
Or stay consistent
It comes with fighting for the control over my mind
So be I laying with a fire of infection
Roaring a dangerous path across my
Star bound body and
Constellation of veins
The cold sweat will not be a giveaway
The aching muscles are there with the fight
They grow tense and release
All of my stress before re-clenching
And holding that infection
That's burning a hole through the fabric of my existence
In place
As it casts it upon every piece of my soul
I am dangerous to myself
I am my own demise as every clenched tooth
Begins to clench harder
The stress appearing in the bulging vein
That goes across my temple after
Working its way up my neck

she brushed her hand against the window
like wind pushing against the glass
forming a heart in the steam created
by our bodies crushed together
moving slowly to a rhythm
that's sculpted by the fast paced
"bud dum" of our hearts pressed together

I wasn’t being rude to you but to him;
He who thought he could scale mountains and climb trees
And jump off all without actually having to fall
I wasn’t being cruel to those who mourn,
But that with which caused the sorrow, as tomorrow
He’ll be not but a fading memory that can’t stick
What’s his face? You’ll cling so desperately to pain
It will be sickening to watch and even worse to try to bear
Until the faint of heart stop beating themselves
Into shuddering piles of agony
We must all prepare for our own destruction
We must make the beds that we will lay in forever

Look. I can't change the way that things happened or how they will. I can't prevent you from crying or even hurting at all, and I know that's my own fault. I've stopped time for you but I can't change time in itself, I can't change what happened or how I reacted or all of the things that I'm ashamed of. I'm just. I'm tired of pretending I'm some saint who can fix everything that happened I don't want to pretend for you, you don't deserve that, I've pretended way too much..
If I can stop the world from changing as slowly and effectively as it does.. for you.. for just a second. I just want to show you what you look like to me now and in this moment; so beautiful; so strong and consistent; so deserving.
You'll never listen fully to everything I have to say and you'll never grasp the concept of the fact that you deserve things far better than me. To quote the analogy of a friend.. you're a 50¢ coin.. I'm a penny. I'm the grimiest, most rusted, two faced, over used penny you'll ever see, ever meet, ever know. You know me. And I'm so sorry for the hell that that brings you.
I'm a bitter bully who drags you out, out of her way, into every beautiful place you've ever known and I leave myself there, in a kiss, in a touch, in the whisper of your name until you blame yourself for why you hate them and can never and will never return.

I'm a poet, do I know it?
How could I show what I don't know?
How could I grow from what I can't show?

          Knowledge is painful, do I bleed?
          Ignorance is boring, must I plead?
          For something that every human will need?
          To say or share or sing my pain?
          I'm simply a poet with too much to say
          But ever as such, I have no more to gain

                    I am a poet, does that mean I'm in pain?
                    Singing and crying and lying with shame?
                    Must I pretend that life is always a cloud?
                    That is dark and its only purpose to shroud
                    And destroy all the happiness that I see every day
                    Would that make me a poet, in any way?

                              You are a poet, I can see in your eyes
                              As they scour the ground searching for disguise
                              As they prey on the souls of the giddy and free
                              You are a poet, you are like me
                              And I assume that means you're in pain
                              But looking at you, I see no such shame

                                        He was a poet, with blood on his tongue
                                        Choking, and curling his sin to a song
                                        Singing in tunes with abysmal pain
                                        He made me a poet, he made me feel shame
                                        But I don't need him when you made me feel free
                                        *There was never a poet as happy as me

I came on here to write
To set my mind free from the constraints
With which press against me as I attempt
To break away from my limitations
To toe over my boundaries
But I've found myself finding the line very...
. . . comforting
I feel very
. . . . . secure
I don't want to move, why don't I want to press?
I've lost my will to fight and I can't tell if it's me
Or if it's just the air closing in
The harder it gets to breathe
The easier giving up seems

Bones of wood splinter as they crack at odd angles
I'm trying to tangle myself with you
But my limbs are going crooked and I'm scared
Scared of the love it would take from you to not feel the pain
Because I don't want to entrust this heart in your hands
Worn thin like paper and snapping like strings
As rings of children pass through the corner of my eye
Are they all me?
I turn my head but there's nothing.
I'm terrified.
What if you left more than just your own pleasure inside of me?
Be that the case would it be your face behind my door
Or my dad's.
Would he have to be the man there for me? He doesn't even want to be the parent of me let alone my mistakes
I just don't understand how things like this happen but I see that they're happening and
I just want to sprint
I wish I hadn't said yes, hadn't picked 'right'
Because things turned so wrong
You were a true or false question and I assumed
Because I couldn't study for a test that I didn't even know was happening
I can still feel the confusion
Was it even a question to get wrong, at this point?
*What the hell.

I feel like the louder I try to speak the less you can hear the words
Must I whisper to you?
Must I hum my pain?
Must I hurt in this day and this time because you cannot listen to my screams?
Hold back my hair as I puke the words into porcelain
Because they cannot make it to your ears
Whisper sweet nothings because nothing could be as sweet as your words
Nothing could be as bitter as your intentions
And I love that you can hide them from me so well
Grasp my hands that cling to the edge of sanity
If you throw me down I'll be at your mercy
But if you pull me up my eyes will clear as will my mind
And I'll push you away forever

Within the darkness of night
There is a street light
  Sure it may flicker
   And give you a fright
    But there it will stand
     As our world turns to sand
     Lighting the dark
    Creating that spark
   To help you push forward
  Despite all your fears
Because with light in the dark
There is no need for tears

Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
       Waiting on the clock release us from whatever confines us. From work or from school. From sleep or from family. For our favorite shows or our favorite books. Or maybe the movie of today to finally end so you can go home.
       The difference between my home and yours is that my heart is embedded in every shift of the sheet and turn of the page, which occurs within the time I label free. Yours is your own, your heart and your soul and what you breathe your every breath to return to.
       My home is a relaxing place with no time limits and no thoughts of please, please be time to leave, just let me leave. My home knows not of my impatience and frustration or my tears of aggravation but it knows of my sorrows. It holds me in its motherly grasp ‘til the 'morrows. It grasps to my positivity and shows me the light that I need to grip the handrails of life and climb the next stair.
       Though we all have different homes, some all alone, others filled with crowds of chit chatters or silence. We are quiet minded in the place that speaks its volumes upon our hearts. In my home I wait not, for I fear not for the impending doom of responsibility, as home will always be there. It will be waiting, waiting for me to rest my weary shoulders onto its freshly made beds and close my eyes, cradled in its embrace.
       I don’t stare at the clock waiting for its tick or its tock.
       I am home.

And as she lay there dying
With her hair around her face
She seemed to quickly realize
Hell was more than just a place

And as her body convulsed
And her lungs seemed to contract
She knew that she deserved it
For her cruel and devilish act

You can't get by as someone
Without some of you being there
But you cannot make it in this world
If all you do is care

So many opportunities
Are missed by those
Who find reality more relaxing
Than the dreams they've had
For so many year

Wade in the waters
That appear through the cracks
Rising up slowly
Through the air that we lack

Breathe in so deeply
Gills grow at your cheeks
Life on this surface
So dull and so bleak

Wade in the waters
That drown us all fast
Taking back nature
And will have the last laugh

The skin is dry
   The pull
      The tug
         The tear
The skin is dead
   It sticks
      It bleeds
         It shrivels

The white teeth stained
With the blood and the pain
As the pink lips scab,
The skin pulled back
   Blood drips
      Tongue licks
         **Teeth rip

You cannot tell me
That what I feel is purely..
in my head

Not whenever my heart pounds
Not whenever my hands shake
not whenever my chest aches

You cannot tell me
That what I feel is..
ridiculous

Because I know that this is real
Both to my brain
*and to my body

Is my life just to end right here? It a chin and I a lone tear?
Am I to fall to my fateful doom, to never return, and if so, not soon?



You broke my fall, tears and all
And help me grow a pair of *****
You held me tight and taught me wrong
Now I'm cold-hearted and you're in love



They were loud and proud and out of control
But they're as human as you, your words still take a toll




His hand in mine
The rain on time
We dance like kids,
Like adults, we kiss

A hug goodbye
Stretched too long,
Like a warm winter sweater
Borrowed by your mom

Lights dim, tears brim, arms tight, just cry
Lights bright, curious eyes, cry more, destroy your shore
A bruise on the wrist, a busted lip, a lack of love, a damaged hip
A call for help, a personal hell, do you know what I tell?



The best part of life is always the pain
And how people react is your knowledge to gain



A feeling of doom that died too soon
You stirred that flame and set fire to my skin
And with this pen I write your name
Over and over and over again



Oranges, pinks, greens, blues
Bright light yellows
Nature's noose

I fear your laugh but love your smile
Things I haven't seen since you were a child
I fear your hands but hold them close
I love you
They'll never know

I wish his heart made up for mine
My lack of courage and constant whine
I wish my love existed there
It did once, but now nowhere

Am I to wish for nothing more? A castaway ship who can't find the shore?
To the sea of tranquility and nothing less? A runaway sailor once one of the best?

He is a body
That grasps through the air
He reaches for me
No matter how many times I have to
Push
   Push
      Push
him away

He is a mind
With no limits
He hears no cries
Which leave my mouth
Stop
   Stop
      Stop
I scream

But I know that he shall never
Not with me
Not with her
Not with life
Never
   Not ever
      Not even for me


*i was a fool to love him

Shot
Through the arm
Quite the hole
So much harm

Pink
Infection spreads
But I know that
The pain is in my head

Red
Blood seeps through
My shirt's sleeves
What can I do?

Broken
My heart is broken
My heart is broken
My heart is broken

You can write
Whatever you wish
You can think
However you please

But whatever you do
Whenever you do
However you do
Think of me

Think of my hair
Damp from the rain
Think of my eyes
Think of my name

Don't think of those tears
Black on my cheeks
Damning you to hell
Understandably

Don't think of my hands
Destroying our love
Don't think of me then
But think of me from

*before we were crying about it

I yearn to touch adventure
To smell the salts of sea
To feel the heavy winds
Gliding over me

I long to shout with joy
At my new exciting finds
I long to be content
While the winds be on my side

I will keep a journal by my side
If he can't manage that place
I don't know where I want to go
But when there, natures song just plays

Over and over
Through trees
Through streams

Trickling its melody
All over me

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sometimes I cry
Because of you

Poppies are red
Anemones are blue
You don't always realize
Just what you do

Rosemary are blue
Tulips are red
Why have I let you
Inside of my head

I know how you feel
I've seen this before
If I tell you to stay
You'll sit at the door
And wonder how
I'd ever let you in
Because your insecurities
Were your only friend
For so many years
And now that I'm here
I'm hoping this doesn't quite
End in tears

A set of stars follows you everywhere
And every time you smile in my direction,
They follow me around for a while, until I'm sad.

But you're always their to give them back

There's a halo twisted around your neck
You let me turn and it always snaps
Then goes back into place, so you come to me

I'm the only one who can put it above your head, you see

Are you going to hold me
You swear?
I need a tighter grip on life
Pull me back together and you can stay here
You have always been mine.

I can feel it
I can feel its waves licking the shores
Asking
Begging to be let in

It hurts
My chest is heavy and my body is weak
I feel snappish but slow
I don't deserve them

Him, it, life
But I breathe
Barely, as it hurts
as it always does now

Maybe the fact that no one will help
means that i don't need it
and the tears are prickling
dangerous as hell

as they could give away my position

A noose
That's loose,
A hangman's soup
He eats it every morning
Just to do what he can do

To breathe
He needs
That blistering
That smothers all the skin
That's wrapped around his neck

Loosely, her hair fell behind her
Her plaited brown braid
     Swish it went
          Swish like her hips
Flowing back and forth
Through the gentle warm wind

Her shoulders scrunched beside her
With a pistol in her fists
     Bang She mouthed
          Bang was the sound
That echoed off the walls
Right before I hit the ground

*my heart in my throat as my kingdom fell down

Your lips press against
The curve of your fist
You swing your arm back
You've never missed

My blood splatters noiselessly
My nose busted up
And all I can say to myself is
You've come from above

You've got heaven weighing on your back
And hell squished between your toes
Your words have the power to heal
And you use them on my nose

You sweep me off my feet again
Then push me to the ground
I think I can handle this
Because you never make me stay down

Breathe in
Breathe out
See a mirror
Duck down

Hold your chest
Cover your face
Tears stream down
Let them leave no trace

Your face all red?
That's just from the cold
Your bags are big?
You're just getting old

Your friends are concerned
But not as much as you
The thing to be afraid of
Is when they don't know what to do

They tell me I need God
That Jesus is my friend
That, at the rate I'm going
I'll have no one in the end

They tell me I should pray
That my life is in His hands
That if I don't apologize
I'll never understand

How to be truly happy
Though I am, can you not see?
I do not need Jesus
And he does not need me

My nose was stuffed with the autumn leaves
Caught in the harsh winds of October

My hands shivered from the rain that pelted the house
As I wondered when the thunder would calm

My hair was chopped short from the twigs
Which caught within them as I hid in the woods

And the birds fluttered high away from my scent
As they knew I would ****

You were my little daydreamer
My light my love
The reason I breathe

You were my helping hand from the start
The intelligent one
The reason I see

Without you I'm not complete

You held my hand
When I couldn't think
You saw more than I saw in me