First the left
And then the right
Jump a bit
Because your pants are tight

Take a deep breath
Then button it up
Push in the pockets
**** in your gut

Look at the clock
It's the same time as usual
Look through your shirts
That one's got a new hole

Hold up your bra to the light
And study it close
It looks a bit worn
But eh, it ain't gross

Brush your hair harshly
There's no other way
For when it's that thick
You don't have all day

Now grab your bag fast
You didn't forget anything
Hold in your tears
It's just the same other day

You wish for adventure
You wish for a change
You wish for a dad
Who cares less for your grades

And more for your sanity
For he's seen how it's crushed
But he still acts the same
His demands still rushed

His patience run low
And his words all loud
His fist swinging so
Yet no damage is done

Except yes there is
As your days fly on by
It all hurts so much
That you can't even cry

Cause he'll hear you again
And still not really care
He'll call you a fake
Like your just someone there

Taking up space in his house
Not space in his heart
Ignoring your writing
Rolling his eyes at your art

It's so upsetting
That you're left simply to words
Words that aren't heard
But you still feel their curse

You linger so long
It's poison to your soul
And even hearing his voice
Is making you old

And tired of this life
That is no life at all
Just a day stuck on repeat
With you growing a bit more tall

Your skin may darken
And the bags under your eyes may sharpen
And your legs might get bigger
And your heart might get darker

But it's the same concept
That it's always been
It's still the same day
It's still the same pain

I never noticed the beauty that resides in the light until I made it dark and reached out to touch the fingers extended to help me
I then turned the lights back on and saw simply a mirror, a shattered one
One broken because of disgust and distrust
Because of hatred and tough times
And I realized that nobody was really there to see what went wrong and how
Except for me
And even I didn't like myself

I could've sworn that I had no idea what love felt like

Turns out I'd fallen in love with everybody

And didn't have the courage to see it

If you could see me right now
You would probably cry
You'd collapse to your knees
And cover your eyes

You'd shuffle in close
And ask yourself what went wrong
And try to remember
Where you've been all along

"It wasn't your fault"
I'd say "You've done nothing not right"
But even as you walk away
I cannot find a light

Not inside my head
Not inside these walls
I cannot see how I'm messed up
As I trip down the hall

So if you saw me now
You'd probably doubt yourself
Which means I'm glad you're good at staying away
So this feeling hits no one else

I've been told that I don't look depressed
That I'm too confident to have anxiety
But these aren't things that I immediately spill
The first thing I'm ever going to say to you isn't to not touch my shoulders due to bad memories
It's not going to be about how difficult it is to function without hurting some part of myself
I'm not going to throw my memories in your face the second we meet
And that's because it's hard to admit to myself, even
I don't think of myself as someone who's easily insulted and hard to understand
In my mind, I'm an open book that's filled with secrets if you're good at reading between the lines
You wouldn't know that I carry secrets that aren't even mine, that are burdened to rest upon me until the end of my days
You wouldn't assume that that smile disappears behind closed doors
It couldn't possibly be hard to figure out, yet I'm surprised if you do
Because the last person that carried the burdens of my life tried to **** herself
And I'll never recover from that
Because she wasn't the first that tried
And if I keep it up
I could be carrying another burden in no time
Which doesn't help with the fact that I just want to collapse on the floor in a heap of broken cries
I just want to rip my heart out of my chest so that it doesn't fill with pain at everything
I wish I wasn't so sensitive
I wish that the idea of being in a room full of people who don't even know my name wouldn't make me go into an attack
Because I could mess up
I always mess up
And I always get yelled at for it
I'll go into some sort of depressing state if someone pronounces my name wrong
Because I feel inferior to everyone
Because that's all I've ever been taught to feel
No matter how wrong it is
And I hope that my pain decreases over time
Hopefully faster than it is now
Because my chest still caves in, trying to support the tears that clog my throat and blind my eyes
A ringing fills my ears and a piece of me bends in a wrong direction, every single day
I need help

"Who do you think you are?"
Is one of the most over-used lines
"What do you think you're doing?"
Just get your own life

You don't have to try
And control what I do
You'll have more success
If you focus on you

So back the **** up
Don't look disappointed
I don't even know you
So you're just being annoying

Why do you frustrate me so
You're bothersome, really
Get out of my hair
You don't know what I'm feeling

******* you to hell
Why are you such a *****
I don't get your attitude
Just back off my ****