I have started reading a book that has spoken to my soul.
Eat. Pray. Love
One of the greatest books
I have only read the first 12 chapters and I already have a new prospective on life.
She says in Chapter 9 that she had been "living in a giant trash compactor of nonstop anxiety."
Basically my feelings exactly
There are the motions you go through everyday to keep your mind off of him.
Off of everything you have lost and what you could possibly gain.
But when the night comes
all hope is lost
You find yourself lying in bed
Panicking
Wondering if you should call him
Wanting so desperately to call him
But what would be the outcome of that
Good
Or Bad?
Would you seem weak ?
Lonely?
Stupid?

I have had some of the most amazing experiences in the past few days
I am furthering my knowledge in God
And i feel my heart and my soul strengthening
I have laughed again so hard that i got the hick-ups
I have listened to beautiful music and smiled
I have seen a breath taking sunset and not wanted to die
God is bringing me back to life
"God is an experience of supreme love"

"To find the balance you want this is what you must become. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it's like you have four legs, instead of two. That way you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. That way, you will know God."

I feel my life transforming into something beautiful
I was at church yesterday and we were told in relief society to tell the person next to you about your baptismal covenant experience
And i turned to Liz (since i have not been baptized yet) and told her the floor was all hers.
And she told me of her experience and i smiled because i felt it in my heart.
And i told why i wanted to be baptized
And in that moment i was overwhelmed with emotion
And i cried
And she held me and we cried together
And that connection we made... i will always charish in my heart.

These are the days to make binding relationships
With  God
And with humanity

If someone were to look at me and not know who i am
What would they think?

To me
I am a beautiful person
A daughter of a God

But are others blinded from the truth?
That we are all beautiful and children of our heavenly father

There are still times when i have the anxiety
The fear that I may never be with him again
That the day he leaves to Virginia
Will be the day when my world comes crashing down
I thought it was hard now
He is still here
I can still see him
Touch him

When he leaves
I will only have memories
Beautiful memories

Will he be able to walk onto the plane easily?
Or with he look back in pain
Knowing when he gets on that plane
He is leaving me behind
Or will he smile and be thankful for the distance growing between us
For the following years that pass he'll never have to look into my green eyes again and see the undying love i have for him.
And he'll never again have a second thought that he might be leaving the greatest thing that could have ever happened to him.

When he gets on that plane we are both losing a piece of ourselves
Will i ever get a second chance?
Or will he break that promise too
When he talks to me it seems so effortless
Like he could care less about me
And he can say goodbye so easily
When every time i see him i want to collapse
And every time i leave him i want to scream
I never want to walk away from him
To say goodbye


For now
I am a recovering addict
I am addicted to Ben Stoneking
But i'm recovering

I died
I was cold, lifeless, lost somewhere in the darkness
My whole body ached
The ground began to get thinner
I began to hear mumbles
I was ripped from my tomb by an invisible force
I was reborn
Into the water he took me
And out he lifted an infant
No one's going to love you more than I do
He whispered
I spin around the room
Looking at all these images
They look so familiar
But they make my heart hurt
So I put them in a box
And I kissed them goodnight
Can I tell you a secret?
Come close
Sometimes I pull them out
And I lay them next to me on the bed
We stay up all night
Laughing
Kissing
Touching
Crying
But it's getting late and it's time for sleep now
As he collects his things and bids me farewell for now
I blow him a kiss
I send him my love from where I lay
Have you ever wanted to just get up and leave--you have no responsibilities, but I can't bring myself to pack up and leave
My new feet ache for something more
I know where I'm going
What I want
I am just waiting for my feet to touch the floor
I need to plunge into this darkness
Into the unknown
You wont look at me
I want so badly for you to look at me
I've forgotten to color of your eyes
I breathe in the smoke
I let it cleanse my spirit
I want nothing more than to feel your skin beneath my hands again
Before you disappear
I need something more
Something tangible
I day dream too much
"between every breath lasts a lifetime in a dream"
I hope you know that I love you
And I'm okay
I'm just learning to crawl
Forgive yourself
I'll take pictures of everything you miss

Serenity
I'm there
I feel safe
I am safe
It's all in my head
I think you've forgotten who I am
Your too conceited to give a ****
All you can think about is how much you rubbed off on me
I drive like a crazy person
Play video games
Read comics
Listen to our music
Watch our shows
Alone
You think I'm trying to impress you
Is it working?
I think you've forgotten who I was
Do you remember?
I do
Because I'm still her
Yeah, so there's a few modifications
My hair is shorter (You told me you liked short hair-- I cut it for you ****)
I'm thinner (I know it drives you crazy how good I look)
I believe in God (Don't ever take credit for that)
I've got new friends (they like me better than you)
Oh I'm sorry
Am I hurting your feelings?
Try being in love with someone who doesn't love you back anymore
Who avoids you
And treats you like *******
You once said that you "want to spend the rest of your life uplifting others"
You can't be selective
I was once all you thought about
You used to think I was beautiful
Will you do me a favor?
Look at me
Spend a day with me
What?
Are you afraid?
Yes
Yes, you are
Why?
Beacause you'll fall in love all over again
What?
You never fell out of love?
Then why did you tell me that you did?
I must put you to bed
Serenity
I am safe

I have lost track of the days, the time... All i know is that a week ago today was the worst day of my life so far.
I haven't written since the day he was coming home.
I gave him my journal
It started when we first met
I can't believe this is what it has come to
everyday i wake up
Heart pounding
Mind racing
trying to see where i went wrong
what i could have done to keep him
why he had to leave me
But i know that i did nothing wrong, he is wrong
Today i read all the messages we ever sent since October, when we got back together, and it was the most heart wrenching thing i could bring myself to do.
In every message he expressed his deepest and most adamant love for me. He said nothing could ever bring him to leaving me (lie number one) and that i was all he'll ever need (Lie number two)
"Shannon you must know i meant it when i said it" (is that a lie?)
But things have changed
I am no longer the light in his day, the rock in his ocean, the song he sings.
I am now what once was
I have tried so hard to say "Shannon your going to be okay, your going to wake up one day and all this pain will have gone away"
I want to smile without feeling selfish
Selfish because he is not the reason why i am smiling
I want to laugh without feeling scared
Scared that i will never laugh with him again
I want to kiss without wishing the one i was kissing was him
I want to look in the mirror at that girl looking back at me and not want to **** her. To rip the clothes from her body and the hair from her head.
I no longer dress for him
I dress for me
For a year i built my life around him
I did everything for him
I wanted to keep him safe so he could always be mine
But he is not mine anymore
And that scares me
If i was to see him with another girl
I would die
Everyone says "Shannon give yourself time to grieve" "You have lost a piece of you" "Then let yourself be okay"
Let myself be okay?
I am no longer THE ONE
I am now what once WAS

Wow. I remember counting down the days since i had fallen in love with him.
I am still in love with him.
Whenever i see him my heart still skips a beat, but its not hurting as much.
I still look into those green pools and get weak in the knees
All my friends and family think i'm crazy or just plain stupid.
Or just still in love
A lot has happened
Too much to write it all down
I am converting to Mormon
For me
Not him
I have repented for my mistakes
I feel so much stronger
I kissed a boy
I imagined it being Ben
****
I wish it was
I wonder if that will ever change
If we'll be together again
We have tried to stay away from each other
Impossible
To hate each other
Impossible
Maybe its because we are meant to be together, just not right now
I don't know.. i need to stop putting those ideas into my head.
They only cause dreams
Dreams that could never happen
only deceive me
But wait... is it wrong to have hope?... Faith?...
I was finally able to listen to the song he dedicated to me
"No ones gonna love you more than i do" -Band of horses
for the first time since we broke up
It didn't hurt as bad as i thought it would
Probably because lately i have been asking God for strength a lot.
I feel him holding me at night
Easing my pain
Sleep had become my enemy
Until now
God has saved me
i miss Ben
I miss the good times we had together
We are working on our friendship... again
This time it should be better because i am stronger
I don't need him as much as i thought i did
But.. i could still live my whole life and eternity with him and never be truly unhappy
I am afraid because the only person that understands me and has my back is my sister Jayme
Everyone else is criticizing me
I've asked God for strength with that
One day they'll understand that everyone deserves forgiveness
I know Ben is going to be a better man
I have faith in him
I love him
With Gods guidance we'll both be better people and if we get a second chance at our relationship i believe it will be a new, stronger love. It will make our hearts swell and i know there will never be a day i do not smile because of him
He still makes me smile
Even though he is gone
I could never hate him
He gave me the greatest gift and opened my heart and mind to God
I will always love Ben and I dream that one day i will be looking into eternity with him and God watching over us.



I want to write something not about Ben...