Wow. I remember counting down the days since i had fallen in love with him.
I am still in love with him.
Whenever i see him my heart still skips a beat, but its not hurting as much.
I still look into those green pools and get weak in the knees
All my friends and family think i'm crazy or just plain stupid.
Or just still in love
A lot has happened
Too much to write it all down
I am converting to Mormon
For me
Not him
I have repented for my mistakes
I feel so much stronger
I kissed a boy
I imagined it being Ben
****
I wish it was
I wonder if that will ever change
If we'll be together again
We have tried to stay away from each other
Impossible
To hate each other
Impossible
Maybe its because we are meant to be together, just not right now
I don't know.. i need to stop putting those ideas into my head.
They only cause dreams
Dreams that could never happen
only deceive me
But wait... is it wrong to have hope?... Faith?...
I was finally able to listen to the song he dedicated to me
"No ones gonna love you more than i do" -Band of horses
for the first time since we broke up
It didn't hurt as bad as i thought it would
Probably because lately i have been asking God for strength a lot.
I feel him holding me at night
Easing my pain
Sleep had become my enemy
Until now
God has saved me
i miss Ben
I miss the good times we had together
We are working on our friendship... again
This time it should be better because i am stronger
I don't need him as much as i thought i did
But.. i could still live my whole life and eternity with him and never be truly unhappy
I am afraid because the only person that understands me and has my back is my sister Jayme
Everyone else is criticizing me
I've asked God for strength with that
One day they'll understand that everyone deserves forgiveness
I know Ben is going to be a better man
I have faith in him
I love him
With Gods guidance we'll both be better people and if we get a second chance at our relationship i believe it will be a new, stronger love. It will make our hearts swell and i know there will never be a day i do not smile because of him
He still makes me smile
Even though he is gone
I could never hate him
He gave me the greatest gift and opened my heart and mind to God
I will always love Ben and I dream that one day i will be looking into eternity with him and God watching over us.



I want to write something not about Ben...