I have started reading a book that has spoken to my soul.
Eat. Pray. Love
One of the greatest books
I have only read the first 12 chapters and I already have a new prospective on life.
She says in Chapter 9 that she had been "living in a giant trash compactor of nonstop anxiety."
Basically my feelings exactly
There are the motions you go through everyday to keep your mind off of him.
Off of everything you have lost and what you could possibly gain.
But when the night comes
all hope is lost
You find yourself lying in bed
Panicking
Wondering if you should call him
Wanting so desperately to call him
But what would be the outcome of that
Good
Or Bad?
Would you seem weak ?
Lonely?
Stupid?

I have had some of the most amazing experiences in the past few days
I am furthering my knowledge in God
And i feel my heart and my soul strengthening
I have laughed again so hard that i got the hick-ups
I have listened to beautiful music and smiled
I have seen a breath taking sunset and not wanted to die
God is bringing me back to life
"God is an experience of supreme love"

"To find the balance you want this is what you must become. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it's like you have four legs, instead of two. That way you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. That way, you will know God."

I feel my life transforming into something beautiful
I was at church yesterday and we were told in relief society to tell the person next to you about your baptismal covenant experience
And i turned to Liz (since i have not been baptized yet) and told her the floor was all hers.
And she told me of her experience and i smiled because i felt it in my heart.
And i told why i wanted to be baptized
And in that moment i was overwhelmed with emotion
And i cried
And she held me and we cried together
And that connection we made... i will always charish in my heart.

These are the days to make binding relationships
With  God
And with humanity

If someone were to look at me and not know who i am
What would they think?

To me
I am a beautiful person
A daughter of a God

But are others blinded from the truth?
That we are all beautiful and children of our heavenly father

There are still times when i have the anxiety
The fear that I may never be with him again
That the day he leaves to Virginia
Will be the day when my world comes crashing down
I thought it was hard now
He is still here
I can still see him
Touch him

When he leaves
I will only have memories
Beautiful memories

Will he be able to walk onto the plane easily?
Or with he look back in pain
Knowing when he gets on that plane
He is leaving me behind
Or will he smile and be thankful for the distance growing between us
For the following years that pass he'll never have to look into my green eyes again and see the undying love i have for him.
And he'll never again have a second thought that he might be leaving the greatest thing that could have ever happened to him.

When he gets on that plane we are both losing a piece of ourselves
Will i ever get a second chance?
Or will he break that promise too
When he talks to me it seems so effortless
Like he could care less about me
And he can say goodbye so easily
When every time i see him i want to collapse
And every time i leave him i want to scream
I never want to walk away from him
To say goodbye


For now
I am a recovering addict
I am addicted to Ben Stoneking
But i'm recovering