How do you stop it from raining?
-You don’t.  You get under shelter.

How do you keep from crying?
-You don’t.  You let it out.

How do you prevent hurt?
-You don’t.  You ease the pain of healing.

How do you stop the storm from coming?
-You don’t.  You just, don’t.

So many layers I must reveal
So many hats I must wear
So many faces I must present

You see some clearly
Others you have yet to even glance upon

Please do not mistake me for someone who gives up easily
Likewise do not mistake me for a fool

I have learned to separate what I want to be to you
And what I am to you

Up, down.
Up, down.
Up, down.

The repetitive motion of you chopping up fruit and cheese was mesmerizing.
Not sure why, it just was.
I couldn’t help but sit there and stare at you.
Weird, right?

I knew
from the moment that you grabbed my hand in Target
I knew
from the moment that you sat in front of me in the shower
I knew
from the moment you came up behind me and hugged me tighter than before
I knew
from the moment that you kissed me without remorse or the thought of another plaguing your mind
I knew
from the moment that you twirled my hair between your delicate fingertips
I knew
from the moment you let me into your world
I knew
from the moment you told your family with no shame, that I was the one
I knew
from the moment that you rubbed my bare back with your freshly cut nails
I knew

That I was in love with you, and you with me.

How did this start?
Did it start when I met this beautiful, talented, sarcastic woman
Who was engaged and had no thoughts of me other than, passing
Or did it start when I was next to you
Gently running my fingers across your tattoos
Maybe it started when you came back and kissed my cheek
And let me know that I was cute, funny, and special to you in some way
Possibly it started while I was on that couch
Hearing familiar noises from the back room, wishing it were me
Or maybe it came about when you left me, scared and alone
Even though that was the farthest of your intentions
It could've been when you came back into my backyard
And allowed me to share in the pain that momentarily defined you
Or quite possibly on that mountaintop
When I felt as if I almost lost myself inside you for all that you were
It might've been when you grabbed my hand and glided across my soul
As our clothes meshed with the carpet of that Augustian house
Or maybe when you simply stopped that one night
And put me above all else that was happening in your life
It could've been when you silently let me into your world
And lied to me saying you weren't worth it
It might have been when I let you into my world
And showed you that I don't wait forever for just anyone
Could it have been when I felt a smooth finger intertwine with mine
And we blissfully walked hand-in-hand lost in each other's world
Did it happen when you said, "Hey, I want you to listen to this song"
And I cried because it was the most beautiful thing anyone had done for me
Maybe it was when you wrote a poem about me
Describing my place under your metaphorical corset
Or was it the look in your eyes that I see almost daily
That scream to me, please, don't ever leave me

Dear, I'm not sure exactly at what point I fell in love with you,

But I do.

And I'm here to stay

So I started writing, dear.
Trying to pin my thoughts to words as to how stupid I am
And how stupid this is
Not us, but me thinking.
It’s downright dumb.
I know this will blow over tomorrow when we have brunch with your mom
I’ve tried to say what’s in my head and all that comes out is jumbled promises and misguided words
I’m by no means perfect
So please work with me
Remind me on nights like tonight that I’m dumb
And I need to stop thinking
So I’m going to just say this and leave it at that.

I love you.


P.S.  Yeah, I would’ve found you anyway.

If I were Superman
(which I am)
You would be my Lois Lane
(which you are)

If I would fight bad people
(which I do)
You’d be my reason to succeed
(which you are)

If I could have superpowers
(which I do)
You’d be the one I’d use them for
(which you are)

If I could fly
(which I can)
I’d carry you wherever you wanted to go, at night, under the moon
(which I will)

If I had super-strength
(which I do)
When we ****, I’d pick you up because I could
(which I do)

If I had super-sight and could see all
(which I can)
I’d know that you like me
(which you do)

If I had x-ray vision
(which I do)
I’d use it to see right through you
(which I can)

If I had an eidetic memory
(which I do)
I’d remember everything you’ve ever told me
(which I can)

If I were invincible
(which I am)
I’d stay with you forever
(which I will)

If I were to die somehow, someday
(which I will)
You’d be the person I’d want to see last
(which you will be)

Let’s face it dear, this Superman
(which I am)
Will always be here
(period)

Parched lips search for lost words
Bruises and egos match just the same
Thoughts that make only single appearances
One and the same, all for one and one for all
Time falls, grips, and grasps while you watch
Seemingly not noticing one from the other
Omniscient eyes and ears know better
It’s a shame I had to eat my words
But you know deep inside I’ll forever be your shadow
Don’t be offended, I’m your shadow because you’re protecting me from everything
Dear, I could never leave my heart, soul, and shadow behind
Since you have acquired all three, you’re kind of stuck with me

Sorry...

Sometimes my eyes and ears play tricks on me
Hollow words that mean nothing to you, but all to me
A quick scene from a movie
And the strongest line of the song

Scream in my face again
Punch me out of sheer anger
Slap me in a spirit of vengeance
Love me like I’m your caged animal, ready at your disposal

Sometimes I really miss our arguments
Other times I’m glad I don’t have unaccounted for bruises
In minutes I’ll feel better
But leave me alone for days and I start to sink

A realist with a pessimistic outlook and an optimistic future
The happy smile with the tortured soul and no insanity plea
Chose my punishment and I’ll chose your fine
I never would sign my name on those divorce papers
And neither would you
So pop me with your wallet again
and I’ll still say
Love you too,
you beautiful-minded, gorgeously-hot, and explicitly complicated woman

Some days are better
Always me, never be

Other days are hell
Always me, never be

This is just a lie until you leave
Always me, never be

What will I do when this story has its end?
Always me, never be

Will you water the grass on my grave with your tears?
Always me, never be

Pay attention to the answers I’m giving you
Always me, never be

Sometimes life has its ways
Always me, never be

Words run through my mind and won’t leave
Always me, never be

Your silence is a deafening roar
Always me, never be

I will wander until you guide me back
Always me, never be

Why can’t this be simple
Always me, never be

Right, because it’s you
Always me, never be

I’ll stay until you see
Always me, never be

I dream of a weary traveler
Destined to walk a solitary road
Although many attempt to walk beside him
They often venture out and never return to his side

Such a sad story, you say
If you look much deeper you will see
That this story is not indeed sad, but simply true
Do not fear for him, nor pass judgement on his choices in his journey
This traveler, although alone, makes friends with his mind and enemies with his soul

I don’t know why that makes me feel better
A cold chill across a sensual warm surface
Intimate describes the motion, thoughtless, the act
My eyes are of no use because they do not guide me
Only my hand and a swift brush of slight sickening instinct
Tense before the spontaneous and rough movements
But my god, that sweet release of ecstasy and warm, held-in breath
Fingers slide effortlessly across old friends
The new ones make for painful company, yet so soothing
Soothing to know I can still feel something
Crimson rivers mix with transparent tears
The elixir of my insatiable addiction

Your ******* became my freedom
My freedom, your *******
How do we make it in this cruel world, my love?
Side by side we’ve always stood
Moving from this esteemed position
I plan not to do
Change is inevitable, as it has been foretold
Your soul is beautiful
Scars, bruises, tears, and all
I look far deeper than you realize
You see far deeper than I would like to admit
I’ll drop my double-standard
If you drop your self-loathing
Sound like a deal?
I rest my scars in your hand
Not because they are your fault
But because you cared enough
I take responsibility for those nights
Not because they were my fault
But because I care for you so deeply
Lovers, we are not to each other
Soul mates and renegades, we’ve become

I don’t know how to tell you
...that I feel like I’m slowly losing you
I don’t know how to tell you
...that I miss you
I don’t know how to tell you
...that even though we’re feet apart I feel like we’ve become miles away
I don’t know how to tell you
...that I feel like it’s my fault
I don’t know how to tell you
...that I’m sorry and I’ll do anything to have you back
I don’t know how to tell you
...that I can’t lose you
I don’t know how to tell you
...that every step away from me you take is a bigger tear rolling down my cheek
I don’t know how to tell you
...that I need to know what I did
I don’t know how to tell you
...that I really need you right now more than ever
I don’t know how to tell you
...that you’re me best friend in the entire world
I don’t know how to tell you
...that my head is slowly imploding under a cataclysm of logic fighting emotion
I don’t know how to tell you
...that I really, really do ******* need you right now
I don’t know how to tell you
I really don't

I should be so happy
“Should”
I have a nearly perfect life compared to others
Yet I drift from day to day in a haze
My days run together and I can’t keep track anymore
I look up at the amazing stars in the sky which I used to find beauty in
And now all I see is darkness and clouds forming a tight grip around me
I’m not even wearing a mask anymore because I don’t have the energy to put it on
Hell, I don’t even have the energy to be depressed
Each night melts into a day and a day into a night
Endlessly and slowly driving me to my imminent mental grave
Why can’t I snap out of this like I used to?
I mean, I should be really happy
“should"