What will you be doing?
The unknown has always been the monster under my bed.
So I ask again,
what will you be doing?
I need to know so that we can keep this love
alive.

You’ll be off and you might not be able to tell me where.
You’ll be off and you might not be coming back.
You’ll be off building things up,
or blowing them up.
That is your life.

I need to drive up to a high cliff.
I need to get as close to God as I can
and I need to ask him,
“Will I be with this boy when he’s off fighting for me, for our country?
God please tell me because I need to know how to prepare my heart.
You gave me the gift of planning,
now let me use it.
Do I need to plan for heartbreak,
for endless worry that eats me alive during the day,
for death?
Do I need to plan for him not wishing to come back?”

You’ll be off god knows where but I’ll be here.
I’ll be in a library studying
or in my room trying to catch my breath
or in the gym pretending that each stride brings me closer to you.
Yes I’ll be here finishing my last few years of school just so I can call myself a doctor.

But please dear boy, stay alive.
Find the will to stay alive.
Stay alive for me and for your mother.
Find the will or I know that I will lose you.
Do not make me counsel myself over a wounded heart and a shattered hope.
Please dear boy, don’t make me live this life alone,
you know how hard it’s been
for both of us.

You’ll be off god knows where.
What will you be doing
as I put my life on hold waiting for you to find your way back
to me?

I am so desperately tired of not feeling good enough.
I'm tired of not making you happy to the fullest extent but honey,
I don’t even know how to make my own heart beat with joy.
I crave worthiness like it’s the blood pumping through my veins.
I want to feel pretty.
I want to think to myself “I did that well,”
but no.
That’s never what I think and it’s never what I feel.

I work my body until I’m sweaty and dizzy
but I still don’t like what I see in the mirror.
I hold off on food because I think a few less calories may just do what I want them to do.
I work my mind until I can no longer sleep because there are no cracks for calm to fit in.
I hint to you that things aren’t okay because I want you to tell me that I,
me as I am,
am good enough,
but you just do not understand that.

So here I am, left crying into a pillow until my throat is too hoarse to talk
and my teeth won’t stop chattering
and my hands won’t stop shaking.
And eventually, if I can, I take a blade to the person I hate.
I punish my tormentor until she can no longer stand.
And then I make her look in the mirror so that the cycle can start all over again.

Please show me that I'm precious so that I can look at a blade without craving its touch.
Show me you love me as I am so that I can stand tall and not hide a thing.
Show me I am worthy so it won’t start all over again.

Teach me how to love myself so I can love you without abandon.

Nothing seems to feel real anymore and nothing seems to make sense anymore,
but I know that I need you to keep believing in me,
I need you to keep me breathing.
I know that I lived through junior year because of you,
even though you can't comprehend how much you helped me.
When me friends dropped everything and ran away
(or maybe I took everything from their hands and chased them away),
I still had you.
Sometimes I don;t know if the two of us are wrong or right,
forever or temporary.
But as of now, you,
my dear,
are my cornerstone
and my guiding star
and I know how pathetic that sounds,
but it's true.
I need you and that won't change anytime
soon.

I used to fall asleep every night with only a few things on my mind:
"I don't want to do this anymore"
and
"maybe I'll get in my car and just keep driving."
But those thoughts don't take over my mind anymore
and that is such a relief because it means that  I am no longer directionless.
Be aware,
I still have a wanderlust deep in my soul that pulls me towards all the beautiful corners of the earth.
The difference is-
I don't want to wander them alone,
I want to travel them with you.

I know where I need to be going,
and it's towards you.
I know where I need to be,
and it's in your arms.
I know who I love,
regardless of the difficult times,
and it's you,

and it's terrifying.

let me just say,
i am sorry.
for all the nights
i got too drunk to move
so i would not have to feel.
for the days
i swallowed away pills
to numb myself
into acceptance.
for the summers i spent
planning how to
**** myself.
for the winters
when i'd hide away.

We are all so
hopelessly,
and painfully
lost.
Maybe I’m wrong
and there’s a few exceptions.
But this is what I have seen.

We all have our faults.
Our fatal flows.
Our hamartia.
And yet,
they are all so beautiful.
I have come to believe that our greatest weakness
is often our most redeeming quality.

See him over there?
He has some anger issues and lacks control.
Oh how it gets him in trouble.
But you know what else it does?
You always know what he’s thinking
and he will defend his friends and his ideals with an uncanny ferocity.

See her?
She’s shy and maybe a little insecure.
But guess what?
She is gorgeous
and if she knew how gorgeous she was,
I think I would hate her.
That shy insecurity contributes to a quiet, humble beauty.
I don’t know a single person who dislikes her.

So be proud of those flaws.
Show them off.
Think of them in a different light
because they may just be what saves you.