what if i really love unconditionally?
what if, all the people that went through and is still in my life, i loved them dearly? like the love that “i’ll do anything for you.”
but i’m just held back by traumas. i’m held back by unhealthy patterns, like the lyric, “i’ve watched this movie before and i know the ending” kind of feeling.
i never really regretted every decision that i had, but it’s sad. it’s still making me sad.
that living in this earth, there was always no option for me to stay.
that staying will make me feel miserable.
that the decision of staying isn’t exactly what i feel like i should do.
and it *****, you know? because i’m so tired, and i just really wanna have a constant in life. a constant in everything.
i do have friends who i treat as constants, and i firmly know that they’ll stay.
but i want someone to be my companion. that it’s more painful to let go than to hold on. that i have no choice but to stay. and that person will fight for me, for us.
the same way i’ll fight for us, too.

I am scared.

never thought i'll be wishing
to watch you sleep
being just centimeters away from you
rather than through cold screens

if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them how you made me feel secure and insecure at the same time
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that you're different from everyone else in this world
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that it was hard, that it was painful
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that i see myself in you in a way nobody can
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that you are me when you fully accept your emotions
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that it's the first time everything made sense
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that no one else is for me, except you

if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that i love you,
in a way i never have loved before

I'm more than okay feeling the pain of not forcing things, but still trying everything that one can give.
Rather than giving everything, while trying to force everything to happen and still feel the pain afterwards.
No one deserves pain but, pain is much more bearable if one can feel like they need to feel it.

just how many sorry
should i receive
to get what i deserve?

That girl carried pain and wore it like a jewelry.

it was the very definition of "peaceful"
everything was in place
time, weather, us, music
clock ticks as if it's in tune with the moment

it was lunch time, eleven shown in the clock
your stories, funny and calm as i listen
your laugh, it's healing to me
your voice, i couldn't quite get enough of
your attention, made the time perfect as it passed by
well, "perfect" could be the other word to define it
and "thank you" would be the perfect response i could offer

but right now, all i could say is that
this moment, for sure,
the universe won't let me forget it.

"He was never the type of a patient man.
He always gets annoyed whenever something goes wrong
Abruptly, as if he didn't plan well enough.
He was the type of guy who will immediately give up
To the thing he knows he can handle by tomorrow.
He was someone that is somehow slightly feared by anyone
Judging from the cold stares he had given to others
Whenever their opinion doesn't match with his principles.
He was the type of man that was logical enough to weigh things before acting on his own will.

Until he met this woman.

She was the opposite of him.
A tragic combination of mood swings, capricious traits, and a train of overflowing emotions.
Her temper change so quickly that it would be a disgrace to match it up with a horse running full speed.
She always seeks for attention and assurance as if talking 24 hours a day isn't enough.
She... She's a disaster and storm in one.

Though there is a thing that they are similar on,
She is also not the type of a patient woman.

Later that night, she thought to herself,
"Am I that hard of a person to understand?"
"Am I that hard to love, that even my family is so conscious of their acts towards me?"
"Am I that complicated?"

Until she met him.

He suddenly became so patient, not everyone could ever expect it to happen.
She was inspired by the patience he gave, that her unpredictable emotions gradually became stable, little by little,
As if being logical was something she's born with.
He carefully tried to understand every word she spouts, every mood she acts, and every situation she is under, just to let her know that he is always there.
She also became stronger, voicing out her feelings to the world, and realizing that no one would really understand her if she doesn't speak up.
He became so soft as a bunny, that his wolf-state back then went so far away,
So far away, a naked eye can't even see.
She calmed herself down.
He lowered his guard down.
But only just for her.

Another night has passed, and she thought to herself again,
"I won't ask how but,"
"No one could handle myself, like how he handles me."

Still curious, she said to herself,
"That's a first, I dare say,"
"And that's enough.""

Ever feel like overthinking a lot of things?
Like at the end of the day,
You'll feel like, you're not for each other.

"Am I too dependent on others for my happiness?"
"No. Humans are made to be with other people."

I witnessed a specific type of bird today.
It was walking through the rocks in the sea, trying to mind and fight the waves.
All I was thinking was, "Can he do it?" not even keeping in mind if the bird has a destination.
"Will he do it?"
"Can he reach the end?" where the end isn't even known.
Then, when the bird reached the almost end of the rocks, I thought to myself, "Can he fly?"
Pure thoughts of hesitations and doubts flew into my mind.
And when the bird flew, I said to myself, "Oh, he can."
Which made me think, why did I doubt the bird that he can fly in the first place?

Every single one of us aren't born perfect.
Some may have more, some may have less.
But there will be no one who have enough, perfectly.

Imperfect is the word, but not exactly depicts the meaning of it.
No man is an island, as they say,
I understood it the way it should be understood.

We are all perfectly imperfect to someone.
An imperfectness in which we can belong to, we can match onto.
An imperfect person that makes every memory perfect.

i believe that there are 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 in this world;

a 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 knocks at your doorstep,
a smile is formed,
that's excitement waiting for you to open the door!
one happiness is born.

on one side,
a 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 knocks at your doorstep,
everything became a moment of peace,
invisibility has engulfed all problems,
another happiness is born.

i believe that there are two happiness in this world;
one is gained from 𝐞𝐱𝐜𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭,
and the other is from 𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐞.

His existence felt surreal.
Reading his name makes her heart want to get out of her chest.
His voice, it's her favorite.
She could listen to him speak, if forever is possible she would.
She could stare at his eyes, and it would make her feel like she traveled millions of galaxies.
Like she traveled to every planet, every country, every place that exists in this universe.
He's her dreamcatcher.
She couldn't help but smile at his presence despite all the problems and nightmares this world could offer.
It's like, smiling and laughing are the most natural things to do in this world every time she's with him.
He's her sea.
She got sick of the land, the sea calmed her.
Her hidden expressions, hidden thoughts... he could read her like a book.
It's too early to tell, and she has no idea how to support her claim, but for her, he's her soulmate.
The string that she thought is temporary, after all these years, was still intact.
It's a string that, she knew in herself, won't get cut off.
No matter the time, location, timing, and instance they were.
It's just... there.
And would just be there.
Strings that are connected, not tight, but secure.
And if words could describe why and how it happened, she would.

'emotions' are louder,
and stronger,
than 'thoughts'

people who can control the former are powerful
but,
people who can understand the former
are beyond comparable, and beyond powerful
and the world needs more of them.

She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things she's experiencing now.
She's clever, intuitive, and knows exactly what to do given any situation she'll experience.
There is no difference this time.
She knows what she needs to be done this time, even before her friends told her what to do.
She knows what to avoid the first time she heard him tell that.
She knows that everything is wrong the moment she'll continue.
She knows that it will hurt her if she proceed.
She knows, but her heart didn't.

Let me tell you something about her.
Her complex mind makes her one of the saddest person to live in this planet.
She cried a ton, for multiple reasons she could ever think.
There's never a day where she thinks, "Oh, someone can understand me today," as her complexity makes everyone, I'm not even kidding, misunderstand her.
She might say that she got used to being misunderstood that being understood scares her.
Out of a million, if a person shows that he/she sees her, of he/she understands her, she backs out.
She has gone through a lot of pain, no one could ever imagine what she had gone through.
A lot of people invalidate her, call her childish, immature and everything that they can see on the surface.
And as much as it saddens her, there are times where she believed those people.
There are times where she forgot her power.
She once believed that she could meet her person, one day.
Now, she's slowly believing that no one will ever be there for her.
As days go by, as thoughts cram to her head like a wildfire, her heart slowly got locked away and it forgot what it felt to love.
What it felt to say the words, "I love you," that it scares her whenever she hears those three words.
It's now her weakness.
Those three words could make her weak in the knees, and make her cry.
The thing that she is scared of is happening now.
Her walls are higher, highest that it's ever been.
Her trust in people are close to none.
Her belief that love exists in this world is slowly fading.
Her heart that was once can see the good in relationships, are slowly going away.
She was once a girl, full of principles she thought will not go away.
She can blame the society for all the beliefs she has now, but at the end of the day, it is her who accepted those beliefs.
She has been alone, she always felt alone, and nothing has changed.

She can say that that is the reason why she made those decisions.
She wanted intimacy.
She wanted someone to care, even if it's not exactly the same as to how she cares.
She wanted someone to tell her problems to, even knowing she needs time to fully trust a person.
She has never fully trusted anyone, so she doesn't know where to start.
She wanted a person.
Her person.
Consistent person.
Decided person.
Her person.
A person who will not leave her even when she wanted to leave.
A person who will hug her when she cries so loud, and tries to break off of the hug.
A person who will be there.
Not in words, not in actions, but in soul.
A person who she knows will be there no matter what.

She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things that she's experiencing now.
She wants to justify those things by saying that she's the saddest person in the world.
She wants someone to see her.
She wants someone to ask, "What did the world do to you that made you do such things?"
She wants someone to look at her in the eyes, and she will feel that that person will listen to her, see her, and will not leave her.
She wants peace.
She wants safety.

She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things that she's experiencing now.
And I hope it's not too late for her to fix everything.
I hope it's not too late for her to be happy in the way she wants to.

It’s funny how some of us have to meet a lot of lessons before we meet “the one.”
It’s also funny how some of us could meet our persons without having to meet some of lessons.
Let’s call them group one and group two, respectively.
Group one usually gets jealous as to how group two do not need to feel hurt multiple times just to meet their persons, their other halves.
Group two usually gets confused as to why group one cannot see what is wrong with what they are doing.
Both can love the same way, both can provide the effort the same way.
Where does it differ?
Group one usually can last for a very short period of time, and they do not see it as often; consistency, most of the time, is not in their vocabulary.
Group two, on the other hand, can last a lifetime. They already know the difference of respect, trust and love, and how those three work together. Without respect, there would be no trust. Without trust, love cannot survive alone.
When both group two meet, you could say it’s too good to be true, but it’s real.
When group one and group two meet, usually group one becomes a part of group two, and both of them can wholly respect, trust, and love for a long period of time. Rare cases of group one being so strong, and making the group two transfer to group one, is not a good outcome and eventually…
When both group one meet, it could cause destruction for both sides.
How can a group one person transfer to group two?
It’s the easiest thing to say but the hardest thing to do.
If you think you’re part of the group one, look at yourself. All parts of you, good and bad. Learn yourself, which parts are your best? Which parts are your worst? And love them all.
If you think you’re part of the group two, congratulations. You’ve been through a lot. You’ve suffered a lot. Good job on your inner work. I am so proud of you.

"The pain is my only reminder that he was real,
that you all were."

Someday, we'll waltz together.

I already said my final bye to the skies.
You love staring at them right?
I hope you can find my last goodbye while you stare at it.
Thank you for everything, I will never forget you.

i have experienced darkness before

some darkness felt peaceful, that i can fall asleep
some darkness felt painful, that i nearly cut my bedsheets through my nails
some darkness felt sorrowful, that i feel like i have an infinite amount of tears i could produce
some darkness felt wrong, that i had been stuck in it for so long i forgot what is right
some darkness felt suffocating, that i barely remembered how to breathe

but the darkness that i'm most scared of
is the darkness of emptiness.
this darkness felt hollow,
i don't feel alive yet i'm moving
i don't feel anything, yet i'm strongly feeling everything
every agony, pain, joy, i feel them all strongly
yet i feel nothing at all
i feel like i want to scream, but there would be no sounds from within
i'm a ghost, in a human's body
and i don't know how long i'd be hollow.

this might be my silent call for help.

he loves being logical on things
yet the only thing he can't be logical on
is me