i believe that there are 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 in this world;

a 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 knocks at your doorstep,
a smile is formed,
that's excitement waiting for you to open the door!
one happiness is born.

on one side,
a 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 knocks at your doorstep,
everything became a moment of peace,
invisibility has engulfed all problems,
another happiness is born.

i believe that there are two happiness in this world;
one is gained from 𝐞𝐱𝐜𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭,
and the other is from 𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐞.

i have experienced darkness before

some darkness felt peaceful, that i can fall asleep
some darkness felt painful, that i nearly cut my bedsheets through my nails
some darkness felt sorrowful, that i feel like i have infinite amount of tears i could produce
some darkness felt wrong, that i had been stuck in it for so long i forgot what was right
some darkness felt suffocating, that i barely remembered how to breathe

but the darkness that i am most scared of
is the darkness of emptiness
this darkness felt hollow,
i do not feel alive, yet i am moving
i do not feel anything, yet i am strongly feeling everything
every agony, pain, joy, i feel them all strongly
yet i feel nothing at all
i feel like i want to scream, but there would be no sounds from within
i am a ghost, in a human's body
and i do not know how long i would be hollow
this might be my silent call for help

he loves being logical on things
yet the only thing he can't be logical on
is me

She is the most colorful tune
I could ever hear,
"You might be the girl,
the first who made me feel like this."

I'm stuck on ruins
Leaves are falling, they are golden
"What are you doing here?"
"Following-- Loving you."

She smiled,
She knows,
Still playing the notes I wanna hear,
Tip toeing on the piano, it hurts.

Someone told me,
"She's happy at the moment"
"I can see,"
But the waters in front of me screams, rumbling through the forest.

She danced as if she's in a play with the trees
Someone is playing violin on a different direction
Butterflies left me behind, smiling and flying towards the instrument,
Ruins became scarier than usual.

She likes me playing my piano,
Nevertheless,
She loves the one
playing the violin.

She was the most colorful tune
I could ever hear,
"You might be the girl
the first I've ever loved this way."

It is December 26, a day after Christmas. I am not even sure why I am writing this. I feel very uncomfortable, bored, contented, and happy all at the same time. I can say I am in a place of confusion yet certainty but I cannot explain in exact words how I feel about everything. I am inside a chaos, trying to build peace brick by brick but being ran on by some bulldozer that I cannot confront. Just not yet.

Out of all the unsure things I am having, there is one thing that I am sure about, exactly my feelings were sure last December 21. It is crazy how I still remember the exact date. I was running away from my feelings, and I just realized that I can only ever forget or move on from the person after I accepted everything.

So I will be writing this letter to you. I am not sure if there will ever be a chance that you will read this, but I will still pour all my feelings in this letter, hoping at some point in this letter, I might have translated these deep feelings to words towards you.

Hi. What an awkward way to greet. Our relationship started kind of confusing. We both know we had an effect on each other, and we are just cautious on how to start, due to some reasons we cannot name out loud. My first impressions of you were: you are nice, gentle, do not break other people's boundaries in the beginning and are very aware of people's needs and emotions. It made me curious about you, as those were the values I also have on a surface level.

I thought we can be friends. Just friends. But I realized later how impossible that seems to be. Months passed, and other people came into my life. I honestly thought I could move on from you, or just forget you if we will have a proper ending, and if those people were better enough to make me forget you. I was just fooling myself. Whenever I am with them, I always think of telling you how the date was, how I talked to them, or if they are a good person. You would also judge them if they were good for me or not. You were fully supportive to find the next good guy for me. I am not sure if I was happy back then or I was hurt. Either way, it was a strong emotion of mine that I could not understand.

There came a guy who I thought was strong enough to finally make me forget about you. Turns out, I still have a hard time ignoring you. I needed the help of some of my friends to fully ignore you, but to no luck. You still find your way to claim your place in my heart, and on no effort at that! You just do it effortlessly, like it is usual to do so. It is funny the same way as it is painful. I have never experienced a love like this. I cried for days, confused and never really truly putting a label on how much love I really have for you, not until last 21st.

A friend told me, one way to truly move on and forget is to truly accept what you feel, acknowledge them and it is up to the person if they were to act on it or not. The important thing is to acknowledge and accept. I have never thought about it that way, and I realized I was running away from how deep this feeling was. I gave myself a day to think about it, but I never really needed a day. All I needed was to break the wall I put on my feelings, and that was it. I got scared for a moment realizing how strong my love is for you, and smiled as to how I am honored to feel such a strong feeling.

Add to the list I wrote in the early paragraphs as to how I got curious about you, you are more. You have so much more positive traits that I love that I could not find from other people, yet you have so many negative traits that I could not ignore yet did not prevent me from loving you as much. You are nice, yet when you are tired you get cranky and boss people around. You are gentle yet when someone crossed your boundaries or messed with your principles, you get so stern and strict and I can see how black and white your personality is. You do not break other people's boundaries, yet when it is necessary to help them, you do. You are very aware of other people's needs and emotions, but most of the time you do not know how to deal with them. Being aware and knowing what to do after that is a problem I also deal with, that is why I understand. I actually love you more for just the fact of being aware. Not everyone can do that. You are rare. I always tell you that you are. I always tell you good things about you because that is also the one thing that I like about you. You have a small ego. You know who you are but you do not know how to brag. You are confident, yet humble. Too humble in a way that when I remind you of who you are, that is only when you will remember and you will feel confident again. You are the only person I like complimenting a lot, because you always forget. And I get happy when you remember who you are. You are organized, yet disheveled when stressed and everything is happening all at once. You are mannered, yet you also break your mannered self when you feel that it is safe and you will not be judged to not have etiquette at all. You are always two-in-one, and I am honored to know and to see both sides of you. It makes me love you more.

You are a person I will never have, but you will always have me. You once told me you felt how strong my love is, and all I can do is confirm. I love you, and hopefully this letter will make it feel all real, that it happened, if in the future I can read it again.

I am glad I knew you in this lifetime.

love is a choice not a feeling, right?

in this world
full of people talking about themselves,
in this world
full of people minding about themselves

thank you,
for being the one who listens

thank you,
for lending an ear every time one needs it

and thank you,

for every good listener,
needs a listener, too.

Love is peace.
Love is where the birds chirp in the sky, no smoke is seen.
Love is where the wind blows right, hair strands in sync with the flow.
Love is where the cars mildly run on a highway, no over-speeding.
Love is where kids are running in a wide field, catching each other as if they are in another universe.
Love is where balloons are filled with helium, held by a kid's hand.
Love is where foods are all over the place, people patiently lining up to buy food, catching up with their friends while they wait.
Love is where you can hear laughters loud and clear, as if reality is so far away.
Love is where you hear the sea waves gently clash through the rocks.
Love is where you share picnic mat with your friends, or coworkers, sharing food.
Love is where you look at the skies, talking to someone you love, as if you're both alone in the world.
Love is where you made someone smile in the little things that you do.
Love is everywhere. Peace is everywhere.
You just have to look for it.

It is when you are waiting,
When you know what to do when the time that thing comes,
When you are fully aware of that thing you are waiting,

However,

It is also when you do not know what you need to do
...WHILE waiting.

it is either you are

a walking lesson,
a walking memory,
a walking inspiration,
or a walking lifetime to someone,

you will always have a purpose in life.

thank you,
for always showing me how harsh reality is
thank you,
for saying there will always be rain
thank you,
for not lying that life is beautiful
thank you,
for lowering my expectations

for those things,
saved me

but, thank you, even after all those,
accompanying me during those times is the most i'm thankful for

I like how you are a free person.
You follow the beat of your own drum.
You listen to your emotions, and will not let anyone change it. You control it.
You have been through a lot, and I'm proud that you overcame all the problems that you had, almost alone.
I'm proud, and I'm thankful I got to know a person like you.

Thank you for letting me hear your life story.
Thank you for letting me into your life, even just the tiny part of it.
Thank you for spending time with me whenever we have the chance.
And most specially, thank you for all the lessons.

I can finally say that you're the greatest lesson in my life.

It was never easy.

Life was never easy. Life, that I know, is a series of ups and downs, as cliche as it sounds. My life right now is at the rock bottom. I do experience happiness, from time to time and I get to experience the whole joy of experiencing the happy moments because of the bottom pits of hell I'm experiencing right now and I'm thankful. But all of my problems now are bearable. Bearable to the point that I know everything has a solution. All of my problems has a solution, except for one.

It was you.

I considered you before as a light on the deep end of this dark pit tunnel, and I also told you that verbatim. You were the peace I have never experienced, and I was grateful. Out of all the people I met, I thought you were the person who will show me why it didn't work out with anyone else. But life surprises me in a way I certainly did not expect.

You became the problem I cannot solve. I now run away from you. I now hate myself each and every time we talk, either in messages or in person. It feels like my worth is gradually falling. You became so unavailable, it reminded me of my parents. I always tell myself to not settle, and to not lower down to what I do not deserve, yet my heart is weak whenever you are present. My heart cannot understand why it keeps forgetting the pain you already caused. It waited for you for months. After months of waiting because of no contact, it thought it would feel the peace again. It missed the peace. Or was it really peace? I cried when you messaged again. I thought to myself, "Could I not be alone anymore? Could I not feel alone anymore?" and yet... you caused me another pain. Another trauma I am not sure I can heal. Why did you even bother contacting me again? I believe I was content of the thought that you need time to heal. So I waited. I gladly waited. My heart unconsciously waited. You would not know how my heart jumped, and how emotional I got when you messaged again. All these thoughts of, "Was he already healed? Is he okay?" and you would not know how broken I got when the answers were still a no. You would not know how the pain doubled when your intentions are not what I expected. It hurt more. It hurt a lot more. How dare you? I am worth more than how you treat me. My friends always remind me of my worth, and yet... Why is my heart so deaf? Why can't my heart listen? Why is it still you? I look for you in every person. The good side of you. The side of you that I saw. Yet you would not even believe in yourself that you have that side. Weeks have passed and I don't want to tell this but I miss you. Even if you hurt me, I miss you. Even if it pains me, I miss you.

And I hate it.

The baby butterfly,
having its wings broken a million times,
tried to open it again.

"Help me,"
it screamed, no one answered.
"Help me,"
it reached out, no one answered.

A miracle happened,
something deep down on its soul, one answered.

"You have me,"
a voice has spoken.

It's itself.

You have been the sun, the moon, the horizon and all possible metaphors of the word, "love."

But, there is always that one metaphor which is my favorite.

You are my home, always will be.