it is either you are

a walking lesson,
a walking memory,
a walking inspiration,
or a walking lifetime to someone,

you will always have a purpose in life.

thank you,
for always showing me how harsh reality is
thank you,
for saying there will always be rain
thank you,
for not lying that life is beautiful
thank you,
for lowering my expectations

for those things,
saved me

but, thank you, even after all those,
accompanying me during those times is the most i'm thankful for

love is a choice not a feeling, right?

in this world
full of people talking about themselves,
in this world
full of people minding about themselves

thank you,
for being the one who listens

thank you,
for lending an ear every time one needs it

and thank you,

for every good listener,
needs a listener, too.

It is when you are waiting,
When you know what to do when the time that thing comes,
When you are fully aware of that thing you are waiting,

However,

It is also when you do not know what you need to do
...WHILE waiting.

Love is peace.
Love is where the birds chirp in the sky, no smoke is seen.
Love is where the wind blows right, hair strands in sync with the flow.
Love is where the cars mildly run on a highway, no over-speeding.
Love is where kids are running in a wide field, catching each other as if they are in another universe.
Love is where balloons are filled with helium, held by a kid's hand.
Love is where foods are all over the place, people patiently lining up to buy food, catching up with their friends while they wait.
Love is where you can hear laughters loud and clear, as if reality is so far away.
Love is where you hear the sea waves gently clash through the rocks.
Love is where you share picnic mat with your friends, or coworkers, sharing food.
Love is where you look at the skies, talking to someone you love, as if you're both alone in the world.
Love is where you made someone smile in the little things that you do.
Love is everywhere. Peace is everywhere.
You just have to look for it.

The baby butterfly,
having its wings broken a million times,
tried to open it again.

"Help me,"
it screamed, no one answered.
"Help me,"
it reached out, no one answered.

A miracle happened,
something deep down on its soul, one answered.

"You have me,"
a voice has spoken.

It's itself.

You have been the sun, the moon, the horizon and all possible metaphors of the word, "love."

But, there is always that one metaphor which is my favorite.

You are my home, always will be.

i have experienced darkness before

some darkness felt peaceful, that i can fall asleep
some darkness felt painful, that i nearly cut my bedsheets through my nails
some darkness felt sorrowful, that i feel like i have infinite amount of tears i could produce
some darkness felt wrong, that i had been stuck in it for so long i forgot what was right
some darkness felt suffocating, that i barely remembered how to breathe

but the darkness that i am most scared of
is the darkness of emptiness
this darkness felt hollow,
i do not feel alive, yet i am moving
i do not feel anything, yet i am strongly feeling everything
every agony, pain, joy, i feel them all strongly
yet i feel nothing at all
i feel like i want to scream, but there would be no sounds from within
i am a ghost, in a human's body
and i do not know how long i would be hollow
this might be my silent call for help

He was the person I never thought I would like. I may never have noticed him at first glance, and I do not think he is the type of person I will break my neck to take a look at again if I happen to see him somewhere in the grocery, or randomly at the mall. Well, let me explain who I am first. I am a person who have a hard time liking a person. Love at first sight never worked for me. Something should happen, something should trigger, before I can actually claim that I like a person. So, I guess this is still in my normal "feelings" range.

The trigger would be his smile. But the difference is, I may have liked his smile a little too much. I am the person who loves to see people smile. Who, in any circumstances, wants to make the mood in the room lighter. If I hear people laugh, or smile genuinely, it would make me happy. But his smile was the first smile that made my entire day. Entire day. This is the first time that this happened.

Life is something for everyone. Life is always a roller coaster, as most would say, that it is a mixture of pain and rainbows. And it is no different with my life. There are people who are just surviving with no hope remaining in their hearts, and I would lie if I will say that I was not one of those people.

I planned to live a routinely life. A life where I will just focus on my growth and making my mindset positively stronger, and my person will just come. I visualized everything, but I knew, deep in my heart, that I have no hope left. I was just trying to live. Waiting for the day to come that I will actually look forward to tomorrow. "Tomorrow" was non-existent for me, and I always think that it is a good thing. That even when I do not have any hope at all, it would be fine. But not until I noticed his smile. It would be an exaggeration to say that his smile gave me, literally and figuratively, hope.

I started to look forward to the next day. My day got brighter, and people have noticed the sudden mood shift that I have. And then the next day, and the next day. All I was thinking was, how can I see his smile again? When can I see his smile again? Will his smile be brighter today? I basically memorize his smile everyday, because I like the feeling of thinking about his smile. It gave me the push to hope for things. To hope that everything will be better, that there is still a chance for life to be better. For life to be lived.

But life really has its own way of pushing everyone. Life has its own way of showing its claws again the moment you think that everything is turning out okay. This was when he became more than his smile to me. Out of all the suddenly's, suddenly his presence made me feel at peace. I do not have to look at him, or to memorize his smile anymore. Just to feel his presence for a few minutes was enough to make me feel okay. I never asked for comfort from anybody, emotionally. But there was something that is pushing me to seek comfort from him, at least through a few words. I decided to follow my gut and asked him for a few comforting words. He wrote back, and those words were something that made me cling to hope again.

He does not know this effect he has on me, but I just wanted to put this here as a memory that someone, in their own ways, showed me that there is a life to be hopeful for. That someone's smile can literally save someone's life.

If there will be a time that he will have the chance to read this, all I can say is: "Thank you for saving me. Thank you for giving me hope. I hope there will be one day that I can repay you for saving me."

It was never easy.

Life was never easy. Life, that I know, is a series of ups and downs, as cliche as it sounds. My life right now is at the rock bottom. I do experience happiness, from time to time and I get to experience the whole joy of experiencing the happy moments because of the bottom pits of hell I'm experiencing right now and I'm thankful. But all of my problems now are bearable. Bearable to the point that I know everything has a solution. All of my problems has a solution, except for one.

It was you.

I considered you before as a light on the deep end of this dark pit tunnel, and I also told you that verbatim. You were the peace I have never experienced, and I was grateful. Out of all the people I met, I thought you were the person who will show me why it didn't work out with anyone else. But life surprises me in a way I certainly did not expect.

You became the problem I cannot solve. I now run away from you. I now hate myself each and every time we talk, either in messages or in person. It feels like my worth is gradually falling. You became so unavailable, it reminded me of my parents. I always tell myself to not settle, and to not lower down to what I do not deserve, yet my heart is weak whenever you are present. My heart cannot understand why it keeps forgetting the pain you already caused. It waited for you for months. After months of waiting because of no contact, it thought it would feel the peace again. It missed the peace. Or was it really peace? I cried when you messaged again. I thought to myself, "Could I not be alone anymore? Could I not feel alone anymore?" and yet... you caused me another pain. Another trauma I am not sure I can heal. Why did you even bother contacting me again? I believe I was content of the thought that you need time to heal. So I waited. I gladly waited. My heart unconsciously waited. You would not know how my heart jumped, and how emotional I got when you messaged again. All these thoughts of, "Was he already healed? Is he okay?" and you would not know how broken I got when the answers were still a no. You would not know how the pain doubled when your intentions are not what I expected. It hurt more. It hurt a lot more. How dare you? I am worth more than how you treat me. My friends always remind me of my worth, and yet... Why is my heart so deaf? Why can't my heart listen? Why is it still you? I look for you in every person. The good side of you. The side of you that I saw. Yet you would not even believe in yourself that you have that side. Weeks have passed and I don't want to tell this but I miss you. Even if you hurt me, I miss you. Even if it pains me, I miss you.

And I hate it.

I like how you are a free person.
You follow the beat of your own drum.
You listen to your emotions, and will not let anyone change it. You control it.
You have been through a lot, and I'm proud that you overcame all the problems that you had, almost alone.
I'm proud, and I'm thankful I got to know a person like you.

Thank you for letting me hear your life story.
Thank you for letting me into your life, even just the tiny part of it.
Thank you for spending time with me whenever we have the chance.
And most specially, thank you for all the lessons.

I can finally say that you're the greatest lesson in my life.