ever feel so lost
you didn't even see the arrows
that's right in front of you

When you're trying your best
But things just won't work out

That stare isn't supposed to be mine
Yet I caught it

I caught a glimpse of your galaxy
Trying to mix in with mine.
How can every galaxy in your eyes,
Pull my soul closer to those stars
The stars that makes you shine the brightest?

That stare,
That black hole have eaten me alive
Thank goodness, I was sane that time
Or else I might do something I will regret.

My heart is contented with that glimpse.
The glimpse that made every vein jump
The galaxy that made my body chill
The stare that made my whole being still.

Hearing him say I love you, felt like everything is okay.
All is fine, and I can be happy for the next million years of this lifetime, and next lifetimes more.

there are just things that are left unsaid,
things that should stay the way they are,
time that was borrowed,
and needed to be turned in again

I dreamt of you last night.
There’s always this thought of me to not regret any second we’re together.
That’s why I wanted to be the first one to say “I love you” and it’s okay if you won’t say it back.
After all these months that we didn’t see each other.
I’m okay if you won’t say you love me, I just wanted to put my message across.
That I love you, and I’ll love you ‘til my last breath.
Then an unexpected happened in my dreams.
You said “I love you” first.
And I said “I love you” back.
I won’t forget this dream, and I dreamt of you again.
Twice.
I’m thankful that we get to see each other, that we get to talk to each other.
Again, even if it’s in my dreams.
I love you.

ever experienced singing indirectly to someone you like?
you hum the words, like singing a lullaby
and you look at him sleeping soundly
secretly hoping that your voice would reach him
reach him like the words on a poem knock the readers
reach him like the steps on a ballet bring shine to the watchers;
it hurts actually
the feeling of you singing, but that person you like didn't know he's the one you're actually singing to
how i wish that some other person could've recorded that scene
be played by myself a million times
and never forget how that moment,
is so beautiful that it hurts.

I heard a story one time,
A story I couldn't and wish not to forget.

There was a boy.
A small young boy, sensitive to what other feels,
A kind young boy who chooses to see the good out of everyone.
He's an innocent young boy who sees the world in a good sense.
One day, he was playing in a playground,
He saw an insect walking in the middle of it.
He and his friends were playing a game, and that game needs running.
He so badly wanted to protect the insect that he went directly to the insect.
He covered the insect with both of his hands, trying to protect it from the kids who are running.
The other kids saw what he did.
Never did he know he can influence other people that easily.
The other kids copied what he did, and covered him while he was covering the insect.
He knows the intentions of the kids were good.
He saw that the other kids just wanted to do what he was doing because he see the good in people.
But due to the weight of all the kids,
When he opened both of his hands where the insect can be found,
He saw the insect crushed and flat.
It broke his heart.
It broke his heart so much that he couldn't forget the story.

This boy that I'm talking about is now a man with job and responsibilities.
He still remembers clearly the time that his inner kid couldn't forget.
I could still see the inner kid in him, every single time we spent together.
I could still see the boy that protected the insect and had his heart broken because the insect died.
He's still the sensitive boy, hiding in a "have a strong heart" man.
He still gets his heart broken in the smallest things, hiding in a "I'm okay, I can do it."
I'm happy I witnessed both the boy and the man.
And I'm happy I get to experience to love this boy and this man.

For a person who loves to make other people laugh,
She doesn't know when her laugh is real.
It got to the point where she got used to laughing,
She thought she's happy all the time.
Maybe she is, maybe she's genuinely happy all the time.
Who knows?

For a person who loves to assure other people they're safe,
She prefers danger more than anything.
She chooses danger, and private every single time decision has to be made.
She allows danger to take her over.
Maybe she just doesn't know what it feels to choose something that's safe that can make her happy.
Maybe she's just used to feeling the excitement brought by danger.
Who knows?

For a person who gives love so easily,
She never knows what love really is.
She maybe knowing how she loves, and she's been looking for it everywhere.
She's about to give up looking for that love, the same love that she gives to people.
Maybe she just wants to feel that love, the love that she provides.
Who knows?

For a person who wants others to experience true happiness everywhere she goes,
She only experienced happiness that came from danger, secrecy, privacy and everything that's wrong.
She has never experienced happiness that came from peace.

For a girl that wants purity and integrity so bad,
She has been living a life full of mystery, secrets, and lies.

She's scared that no one will ever understand her.
She's scared that no one will ever see her.
She's scared that she might not be able to forgive herself.

𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐝,
easy to say,
difficult to feel.

to the guy that has been black and blue:
thank you for coming to my life
thank you for knocking outside my door
and thank you for listening to my problems
sincerely and genuinely

but I still hate you
I hate you for being the guy whom I still don't know
the guy who has been there, knowing me
but I still don't have a clue on who you are

you care, then you don't
I guess, who falls first lost eh?
and I guess I lost the battle.

you make gestures that are unexpected
and my being can't get over it
then after a while, you became cold
like you didn't meant anything that you've said

I still don't get you
and maybe I will forever won't get you
but I'll always be here,
as a friend

I won't be lost.
and maybe, at the end of the day
I will be the one who'll get hurt
for you will leave one day,
and I will let you.

"Am I too dependent on others for my happiness?"
"No. Humans are made to be with other people."

on all the years i've been wondering the purpose of my life,
this year has been the hardest,
the year that i've been pushed the most.

but of all the pushes i've experienced,
i still don't know my purpose in life.

The reason why we hesitate to make a choice is because of the things we have to let go of.
Even if we know they aren't ours, still, we aren't used to losing them.

that's the thing about memories
you cherish them more when it's gone
you feel pain, you feel hurt
you miss them and wanna go back
but then after a while,
you'll realize, years have already passed

He was the person I never thought I would like. I may never have noticed him at first glance, and I do not think he is the type of person I will break my neck to take a look at again if I happen to see him somewhere in the grocery, or randomly at the mall. Well, let me explain who I am first. I am a person who have a hard time liking a person. Love at first sight never worked for me. Something should happen, something should trigger, before I can actually claim that I like a person. So, I guess this is still in my normal "feelings" range.

The trigger would be his smile. But the difference is, I may have liked his smile a little too much. I am the person who loves to see people smile. Who, in any circumstances, wants to make the mood in the room lighter. If I hear people laugh, or smile genuinely, it would make me happy. But his smile was the first smile that made my entire day. Entire day. This is the first time that this happened.

Life is something for everyone. Life is always a roller coaster, as most would say, that it is a mixture of pain and rainbows. And it is no different with my life. There are people who are just surviving with no hope remaining in their hearts, and I would lie if I will say that I was not one of those people.

I planned to live a routinely life. A life where I will just focus on my growth and making my mindset positively stronger, and my person will just come. I visualized everything, but I knew, deep in my heart, that I have no hope left. I was just trying to live. Waiting for the day to come that I will actually look forward to tomorrow. "Tomorrow" was non-existent for me, and I always think that it is a good thing. That even when I do not have any hope at all, it would be fine. But not until I noticed his smile. It would be an exaggeration to say that his smile gave me, literally and figuratively, hope.

I started to look forward to the next day. My day got brighter, and people have noticed the sudden mood shift that I have. And then the next day, and the next day. All I was thinking was, how can I see his smile again? When can I see his smile again? Will his smile be brighter today? I basically memorize his smile everyday, because I like the feeling of thinking about his smile. It gave me the push to hope for things. To hope that everything will be better, that there is still a chance for life to be better. For life to be lived.

But life really has its own way of pushing everyone. Life has its own way of showing its claws again the moment you think that everything is turning out okay. This was when he became more than his smile to me. Out of all the suddenly's, suddenly his presence made me feel at peace. I do not have to look at him, or to memorize his smile anymore. Just to feel his presence for a few minutes was enough to make me feel okay. I never asked for comfort from anybody, emotionally. But there was something that is pushing me to seek comfort from him, at least through a few words. I decided to follow my gut and asked him for a few comforting words. He wrote back, and those words were something that made me cling to hope again.

He does not know this effect he has on me, but I just wanted to put this here as a memory that someone, in their own ways, showed me that there is a life to be hopeful for. That someone's smile can literally save someone's life.

If there will be a time that he will have the chance to read this, all I can say is: "Thank you for saving me. Thank you for giving me hope. I hope there will be one day that I can repay you for saving me."

The leaves keep falling
as if its their daily routine.
When will it stop?
Fall isn't my favorite season,
for I always see the beautiful scenario caused by the leaves
that have fallen from breaking apart.

There are many cases that we met the ones we’re destined to, right person in wrong timing.
But is it really wrong timing?
We met, for the reason that we are to meet someday.
We met, for there is no other time than ‘right now’ and ‘at this moment.’
We met, since we’re living in this world full of lies and deception, that it would take time to know who is who.
We met, to prepare ourselves for something so grand, so magical, that God knows we’re not ready yet.
Wait, maybe that’s the right term.
Not wrong timing, but we’re not just ready.
We’re not ready, but time will tell.
We met, unprepared. And we meet again, still unprepared but now carrying one’s soul.
Bond grew tighter, as if connected ever since born.
We met, to know each other. And we meet again, to stay.
I love you.

his eyes, so peaceful whenever he looks at me
his eyebrows, so thick
his hair, curly, but in a way that I like to caress it for life
his lips, so perfect for mine
his nose, the cutest I've seen

I want to remember each and every detail of your face,
every quirk that you make when you're either
happy, sad, annoyed, or confused,
I want all of them remembered at the back of my mind

that when someone asks my future,
that would be my explanation.

it was the very definition of "peaceful"
everything was in place
time, weather, us, music
clock ticks as if it's in tune with the moment

it was lunch time, eleven shown in the clock
your stories, funny and calm as i listen
your laugh, it's healing to me
your voice, i couldn't quite get enough of
your attention, made the time perfect as it passed by
well, "perfect" could be the other word to define it
and "thank you" would be the perfect response i could offer

but right now, all i could say is that
this moment, for sure,
the universe won't let me forget it.

I am scared.

She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things she's experiencing now.
She's clever, intuitive, and knows exactly what to do given any situation she'll experience.
There is no difference this time.
She knows what she needs to be done this time, even before her friends told her what to do.
She knows what to avoid the first time she heard him tell that.
She knows that everything is wrong the moment she'll continue.
She knows that it will hurt her if she proceed.
She knows, but her heart didn't.

Let me tell you something about her.
Her complex mind makes her one of the saddest person to live in this planet.
She cried a ton, for multiple reasons she could ever think.
There's never a day where she thinks, "Oh, someone can understand me today," as her complexity makes everyone, I'm not even kidding, misunderstand her.
She might say that she got used to being misunderstood that being understood scares her.
Out of a million, if a person shows that he/she sees her, of he/she understands her, she backs out.
She has gone through a lot of pain, no one could ever imagine what she had gone through.
A lot of people invalidate her, call her childish, immature and everything that they can see on the surface.
And as much as it saddens her, there are times where she believed those people.
There are times where she forgot her power.
She once believed that she could meet her person, one day.
Now, she's slowly believing that no one will ever be there for her.
As days go by, as thoughts cram to her head like a wildfire, her heart slowly got locked away and it forgot what it felt to love.
What it felt to say the words, "I love you," that it scares her whenever she hears those three words.
It's now her weakness.
Those three words could make her weak in the knees, and make her cry.
The thing that she is scared of is happening now.
Her walls are higher, highest that it's ever been.
Her trust in people are close to none.
Her belief that love exists in this world is slowly fading.
Her heart that was once can see the good in relationships, are slowly going away.
She was once a girl, full of principles she thought will not go away.
She can blame the society for all the beliefs she has now, but at the end of the day, it is her who accepted those beliefs.
She has been alone, she always felt alone, and nothing has changed.

She can say that that is the reason why she made those decisions.
She wanted intimacy.
She wanted someone to care, even if it's not exactly the same as to how she cares.
She wanted someone to tell her problems to, even knowing she needs time to fully trust a person.
She has never fully trusted anyone, so she doesn't know where to start.
She wanted a person.
Her person.
Consistent person.
Decided person.
Her person.
A person who will not leave her even when she wanted to leave.
A person who will hug her when she cries so loud, and tries to break off of the hug.
A person who will be there.
Not in words, not in actions, but in soul.
A person who she knows will be there no matter what.

She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things that she's experiencing now.
She wants to justify those things by saying that she's the saddest person in the world.
She wants someone to see her.
She wants someone to ask, "What did the world do to you that made you do such things?"
She wants someone to look at her in the eyes, and she will feel that that person will listen to her, see her, and will not leave her.
She wants peace.
She wants safety.

She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things that she's experiencing now.
And I hope it's not too late for her to fix everything.
I hope it's not too late for her to be happy in the way she wants to.

if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them how you made me feel secure and insecure at the same time
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that you're different from everyone else in this world
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that it was hard, that it was painful
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that i see myself in you in a way nobody can
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that you are me when you fully accept your emotions
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that it's the first time everything made sense
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that no one else is for me, except you

if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that i love you,
in a way i never have loved before

"But, I'm thankful that it's with you,"
"If it's you, it's enough,"
I kept these words of yours with a safety lock,
whenever we have an argument that even Greek gods and goddesses can't comprehend.

Sometimes we talk about future.
'Pressured' is not the term you felt whenever I spoke of that word.
You show reality to me instead and try to give me reassuring words,
focusing more on the present.

Future is something I like to talk about.
Consistency is something I treasure most.
You aren't scared of both,
and you are willing to give them to me without hesitation.

I'm spontaneous and you know it.
You know I love talking about fantasies, destiny, and everything that isn't logical at all.
And you remembering the small things that I say makes my heart dance.
Promising to do them with me is an icing on the cake.

This year will be tough, tougher than the last,
but we can get through this.
Like the "Start Up" k-drama that we last watched,
we can also do this.
We will be successful!

just how many sorry
should i receive
to get what i deserve?