what happened on this day was as clear as how the sun shines
we were busy with our lives, that night was our rest
it was truly a rest
that night felt right
the way we told each other indirect i love you's
you writing "i love you" on my thighs with your hand
me singing "i want you to know, i love you the most" lyric
of one of the songs that i like
that was the first time we confessed, indirectly
i feel like my heart will forever remember you
whoever i'll meet,
it hurts to say,
but nothing can compare to what my love is for you

i imagined you standing there in front of me
not wasting any second to hug me
you’re out of breath
worriedly running
it’s like you know what i’m thinking on those moments
when i don’t answer your call during those times
you get extremely worried
because you mindlessly know, during those times,
that my mind is in between wars,
it’s in between chaos and sadness,
and my heart is a wreck,
a train full of endless cries,
wherein you know i’ll give up at any second
but you’ve known i’m strong
you’ve known i’ve been through a lot
so you did just that
in my imagination, you were there
not saying anything
not wasting any second
to hug me

it’s the 3-month mark now
and guess what?
i still love you
more than i could ever love anyone else

it's the first time in months that i told someone
that i still love you
they asked if we're still talking
and it hurt me to say no

it's okay
i can always smile

maybe my way of coping
is also the way that hurts me
by putting meaning into everything
it makes all the memories difficult to forget

you don’t even have to ask
if i can keep you in my heart
you’ll always stay
here, always

and when i’m feeling extreme emotions
like feeling genuinely happy or sad
there’s this unknown phenomenon where all i could think
is you
and when that happens
it feels as if the pain is as new
as how the pain felt on the day we ended

why is it so hard to follow a dream
that society doesn't approve of?
it's either choosing to live while walking through thorns
or choosing to be dead whilst surviving,
doing the things that kills you inside

for someone who experienced “death” of the people i cared for in different ways and perspectives

i’m wondering why i’m not becoming numb

i feel invisible, everyday.
i feel detached to everyone.
people see me, but they don’t see me as to how i see myself.
i don’t have a person right now.
maybe soon, i’ll meet someone.
maybe soon, i’ll meet my person.

a person who can see me, who can hear me, and who can truly value me as to how i see, hear, and value myself.

(1)
last time i felt loved was,
laying in bed in a bright sunny morning,
coughs and sneezes everywhere,
couldn't stand, couldn't walk,
but there he is,
putting a towel over my forehead

(2)
last time i felt loved was,
bawling my eyes out on a video call,
tears fell as if it's natural for my eyes to just have tears,
sad tears that looked beautiful,
but there he is,
getting sad and frustrated because he wanted to hug me so bad
yet he couldn't

(3)
last time i felt loved was,
having a breakdown in a car,
anxiety and depression strike me down at once,
hands were shaking nonstop,
but there he is,
holding my hand tight, hugging me, and letting me know he's there

(4)
last time i felt loved was,
looking in front of a mirror,
eyes were bloodshot red because of nonstop crying,
waterfall tears,
but there she is,
wiping her tears, moving forward, and fighting again

well,
goodbyes are always painful
but i try my best to always
give them a good goodbye
for both of our sakes

“what’s the question that would make you tear up immediately once you hear it?”

“”how are you?””

i’m at that age
where proposals & “will you marry me?” questions
make me cry

and if i’m finally living life,
i wonder, who will i meet?

in this new life i'm creating,
i'll thank everyone for everything.
you have to lose your old life,
in order to gain a new one.

They say that a person can hurt you in relation to the level of their importance in your life.
He was and he is the second most important person in my life (next to myself).
That’s why if someone will ask me if he hurt me, I’ll tell them:

“He hurt me in ways I sometimes couldn’t bear the pain. He hurt me in ways I think he wouldn’t. He hurt me in ways I never really think my heart could handle. Loving him hurt me, as loving someone is always the best and worst decision one could ever make. But loving him is something I don't and won't regret.”

it’s painful to have many mutual acquiantances
they thought you’ll be surprising me flowers today
they didn’t know we ended

in the court today,
a lot of them asked me about you
and they don’t know the excruciating pain
of having to lie
that i know where you are and what you’re doing

it’s slowly sinking in:
that i’m really letting you go

i’m proud of myself today
color gray was in the center today
that i wanted the shade to stay
i’ve been looking at a dark, shiny, black for a long time now
tidbits of white come across unexpectedly, but never enough
could this stay?
could i be this grounded, consistently?
moments of gray make me appreciate white more
moments of gray make me stay still and stable, looking at the color black

you know what they say, "life is not a race, it's a marathon."
i agree, but not totally.
life is really a marathon, but i believe we all have multiple finish lines.
and i believe we all have this one, final, and biggest finish line that we have to face in order to completely live happily, and purposefully.

it's tiring.
walking continuously, overcoming a lot of finish lines in life.
i became bruised, unable to walk properly.
but i am still able to walk, i can still do the marathon called life.
i can still smile, i can still make other people happy while i go through my own marathon, and share what i have learned to other people who i share my marathon with.

but it stops with "i can."
i don't feel motivated enough to say "i will."
there are times where i feel like i couldn't continue saying the "i can" anymore.
this burden is just too much to carry, from time to time.

and what's sad about this is that,
yourself is the only one who could solve the heaviness.
yourself is the only one who knows when the "i can" can turn into "i will."
yourself is the only person who can motivate you enough to continue to walk.

so for those out there who experience prolonged agony,
long enough to get used to them,
i want to say that i believe in you.
that there are people who are willing to help you, in any small ways they can.

so please,
don't give up walking.
don't give up the marathon.
let me tell you,
that one big final finish line is worth every pain.

for now,
all i could say is i love you.
i'll never let anyone hurt you more.
cry all you want, shiver and be scared all you want.
i'll protect you.

but soon,
i'll be able to say the following words to you:
i'll guide you outside.
i'll show you how beautiful the world is outside that dark room and you will smile.

for now, i love you and i'll protect you.
but soon, i love you, i'll guide you, and you'll be happy genuinely and comfortably outside that room.

“ibang iba ako sa una mo ‘kong nakilala kaysa ngayon.”
“gusto ko ‘yung nakikita ko ngayon.”
“‘yung malungkot?”
“‘yung totoo.”

that person exists somewhere.
that person that thinks, works, and acts exactly like me.

she gives light to everyone she's with
she spreads happiness like it's the easiest thing to do with her life

but the only person who gives light to her,
is herself
and it's enough.

i now know how to dance with chaos

there are no words to explain
the pain that i am feeling
but i don't mind experiencing this pain
to the healing that's coming

if there is one thing that is beautiful,
but at the same time painful;
vast, and empty,
but is full of colors,
it is probably that one thing:

it is the eyes of the girl who cried
not knowing the stories behind.

in choosing paths,
i only have pain as option
pain of holding on, crying til we ruin ourselves
or
pain of letting go, crying as i live without you

guess i chose the latter

i probably still love you by that time
or i'll probably love you for a long time
it's going to be so hard to move on
or it might be impossible to move on

but i'm slowly accepting that;
i'm slowly accepting those facts
from the day i let you go

you changed my life,
I couldn't imagine a life without you,
yet here I am,
preparing myself for a life without you.

I don't want you to be another almost,
but I'll see it as one of the could have beens.
If you're going to be another almost,
I'll just thank you for coming into my life.

I won't forget you.

if it's us, there would be no end
pauses maybe, but we'll still be together til the end

I have never been this torn,
about choosing myself, and choosing a person whom I love

it's cold today,
literally and figuratively

on days when they're the hardest
i go the most silent

i hope we're just growing up
not growing apart