It is December 26, a day after Christmas. I am not even sure why I am writing this. I feel very uncomfortable, bored, contented, and happy all at the same time. I can say I am in a place of confusion yet certainty but I cannot explain in exact words how I feel about everything. I am inside a chaos, trying to build peace brick by brick but being ran on by some bulldozer that I cannot confront. Just not yet.

Out of all the unsure things I am having, there is one thing that I am sure about, exactly my feelings were sure last December 21. It is crazy how I still remember the exact date. I was running away from my feelings, and I just realized that I can only ever forget or move on from the person after I accepted everything.

So I will be writing this letter to you. I am not sure if there will ever be a chance that you will read this, but I will still pour all my feelings in this letter, hoping at some point in this letter, I might have translated these deep feelings to words towards you.

Hi. What an awkward way to greet. Our relationship started kind of confusing. We both know we had an effect on each other, and we are just cautious on how to start, due to some reasons we cannot name out loud. My first impressions of you were: you are nice, gentle, do not break other people's boundaries in the beginning and are very aware of people's needs and emotions. It made me curious about you, as those were the values I also have on a surface level.

I thought we can be friends. Just friends. But I realized later how impossible that seems to be. Months passed, and other people came into my life. I honestly thought I could move on from you, or just forget you if we will have a proper ending, and if those people were better enough to make me forget you. I was just fooling myself. Whenever I am with them, I always think of telling you how the date was, how I talked to them, or if they are a good person. You would also judge them if they were good for me or not. You were fully supportive to find the next good guy for me. I am not sure if I was happy back then or I was hurt. Either way, it was a strong emotion of mine that I could not understand.

There came a guy who I thought was strong enough to finally make me forget about you. Turns out, I still have a hard time ignoring you. I needed the help of some of my friends to fully ignore you, but to no luck. You still find your way to claim your place in my heart, and on no effort at that! You just do it effortlessly, like it is usual to do so. It is funny the same way as it is painful. I have never experienced a love like this. I cried for days, confused and never really truly putting a label on how much love I really have for you, not until last 21st.

A friend told me, one way to truly move on and forget is to truly accept what you feel, acknowledge them and it is up to the person if they were to act on it or not. The important thing is to acknowledge and accept. I have never thought about it that way, and I realized I was running away from how deep this feeling was. I gave myself a day to think about it, but I never really needed a day. All I needed was to break the wall I put on my feelings, and that was it. I got scared for a moment realizing how strong my love is for you, and smiled as to how I am honored to feel such a strong feeling.

Add to the list I wrote in the early paragraphs as to how I got curious about you, you are more. You have so much more positive traits that I love that I could not find from other people, yet you have so many negative traits that I could not ignore yet did not prevent me from loving you as much. You are nice, yet when you are tired you get cranky and boss people around. You are gentle yet when someone crossed your boundaries or messed with your principles, you get so stern and strict and I can see how black and white your personality is. You do not break other people's boundaries, yet when it is necessary to help them, you do. You are very aware of other people's needs and emotions, but most of the time you do not know how to deal with them. Being aware and knowing what to do after that is a problem I also deal with, that is why I understand. I actually love you more for just the fact of being aware. Not everyone can do that. You are rare. I always tell you that you are. I always tell you good things about you because that is also the one thing that I like about you. You have a small ego. You know who you are but you do not know how to brag. You are confident, yet humble. Too humble in a way that when I remind you of who you are, that is only when you will remember and you will feel confident again. You are the only person I like complimenting a lot, because you always forget. And I get happy when you remember who you are. You are organized, yet disheveled when stressed and everything is happening all at once. You are mannered, yet you also break your mannered self when you feel that it is safe and you will not be judged to not have etiquette at all. You are always two-in-one, and I am honored to know and to see both sides of you. It makes me love you more.

You are a person I will never have, but you will always have me. You once told me you felt how strong my love is, and all I can do is confirm. I love you, and hopefully this letter will make it feel all real, that it happened, if in the future I can read it again.

I am glad I knew you in this lifetime.

He was the person I never thought I would like. I may never have noticed him at first glance, and I do not think he is the type of person I will break my neck to take a look at again if I happen to see him somewhere in the grocery, or randomly at the mall. Well, let me explain who I am first. I am a person who have a hard time liking a person. Love at first sight never worked for me. Something should happen, something should trigger, before I can actually claim that I like a person. So, I guess this is still in my normal "feelings" range.

The trigger would be his smile. But the difference is, I may have liked his smile a little too much. I am the person who loves to see people smile. Who, in any circumstances, wants to make the mood in the room lighter. If I hear people laugh, or smile genuinely, it would make me happy. But his smile was the first smile that made my entire day. Entire day. This is the first time that this happened.

Life is something for everyone. Life is always a roller coaster, as most would say, that it is a mixture of pain and rainbows. And it is no different with my life. There are people who are just surviving with no hope remaining in their hearts, and I would lie if I will say that I was not one of those people.

I planned to live a routinely life. A life where I will just focus on my growth and making my mindset positively stronger, and my person will just come. I visualized everything, but I knew, deep in my heart, that I have no hope left. I was just trying to live. Waiting for the day to come that I will actually look forward to tomorrow. "Tomorrow" was non-existent for me, and I always think that it is a good thing. That even when I do not have any hope at all, it would be fine. But not until I noticed his smile. It would be an exaggeration to say that his smile gave me, literally and figuratively, hope.

I started to look forward to the next day. My day got brighter, and people have noticed the sudden mood shift that I have. And then the next day, and the next day. All I was thinking was, how can I see his smile again? When can I see his smile again? Will his smile be brighter today? I basically memorize his smile everyday, because I like the feeling of thinking about his smile. It gave me the push to hope for things. To hope that everything will be better, that there is still a chance for life to be better. For life to be lived.

But life really has its own way of pushing everyone. Life has its own way of showing its claws again the moment you think that everything is turning out okay. This was when he became more than his smile to me. Out of all the suddenly's, suddenly his presence made me feel at peace. I do not have to look at him, or to memorize his smile anymore. Just to feel his presence for a few minutes was enough to make me feel okay. I never asked for comfort from anybody, emotionally. But there was something that is pushing me to seek comfort from him, at least through a few words. I decided to follow my gut and asked him for a few comforting words. He wrote back, and those words were something that made me cling to hope again.

He does not know this effect he has on me, but I just wanted to put this here as a memory that someone, in their own ways, showed me that there is a life to be hopeful for. That someone's smile can literally save someone's life.

If there will be a time that he will have the chance to read this, all I can say is: "Thank you for saving me. Thank you for giving me hope. I hope there will be one day that I can repay you for saving me."

i have experienced darkness before

some darkness felt peaceful, that i can fall asleep
some darkness felt painful, that i nearly cut my bedsheets through my nails
some darkness felt sorrowful, that i feel like i have infinite amount of tears i could produce
some darkness felt wrong, that i had been stuck in it for so long i forgot what was right
some darkness felt suffocating, that i barely remembered how to breathe

but the darkness that i am most scared of
is the darkness of emptiness
this darkness felt hollow,
i do not feel alive, yet i am moving
i do not feel anything, yet i am strongly feeling everything
every agony, pain, joy, i feel them all strongly
yet i feel nothing at all
i feel like i want to scream, but there would be no sounds from within
i am a ghost, in a human's body
and i do not know how long i would be hollow
this might be my silent call for help

I like how you are a free person.
You follow the beat of your own drum.
You listen to your emotions, and will not let anyone change it. You control it.
You have been through a lot, and I'm proud that you overcame all the problems that you had, almost alone.
I'm proud, and I'm thankful I got to know a person like you.

Thank you for letting me hear your life story.
Thank you for letting me into your life, even just the tiny part of it.
Thank you for spending time with me whenever we have the chance.
And most specially, thank you for all the lessons.

I can finally say that you're the greatest lesson in my life.

It was never easy.

Life was never easy. Life, that I know, is a series of ups and downs, as cliche as it sounds. My life right now is at the rock bottom. I do experience happiness, from time to time and I get to experience the whole joy of experiencing the happy moments because of the bottom pits of hell I'm experiencing right now and I'm thankful. But all of my problems now are bearable. Bearable to the point that I know everything has a solution. All of my problems has a solution, except for one.

It was you.

I considered you before as a light on the deep end of this dark pit tunnel, and I also told you that verbatim. You were the peace I have never experienced, and I was grateful. Out of all the people I met, I thought you were the person who will show me why it didn't work out with anyone else. But life surprises me in a way I certainly did not expect.

You became the problem I cannot solve. I now run away from you. I now hate myself each and every time we talk, either in messages or in person. It feels like my worth is gradually falling. You became so unavailable, it reminded me of my parents. I always tell myself to not settle, and to not lower down to what I do not deserve, yet my heart is weak whenever you are present. My heart cannot understand why it keeps forgetting the pain you already caused. It waited for you for months. After months of waiting because of no contact, it thought it would feel the peace again. It missed the peace. Or was it really peace? I cried when you messaged again. I thought to myself, "Could I not be alone anymore? Could I not feel alone anymore?" and yet... you caused me another pain. Another trauma I am not sure I can heal. Why did you even bother contacting me again? I believe I was content of the thought that you need time to heal. So I waited. I gladly waited. My heart unconsciously waited. You would not know how my heart jumped, and how emotional I got when you messaged again. All these thoughts of, "Was he already healed? Is he okay?" and you would not know how broken I got when the answers were still a no. You would not know how the pain doubled when your intentions are not what I expected. It hurt more. It hurt a lot more. How dare you? I am worth more than how you treat me. My friends always remind me of my worth, and yet... Why is my heart so deaf? Why can't my heart listen? Why is it still you? I look for you in every person. The good side of you. The side of you that I saw. Yet you would not even believe in yourself that you have that side. Weeks have passed and I don't want to tell this but I miss you. Even if you hurt me, I miss you. Even if it pains me, I miss you.

And I hate it.

i have experienced darkness before

some darkness felt peaceful, that i can fall asleep
some darkness felt painful, that i nearly cut my bedsheets through my nails
some darkness felt sorrowful, that i feel like i have an infinite amount of tears i could produce
some darkness felt wrong, that i had been stuck in it for so long i forgot what is right
some darkness felt suffocating, that i barely remembered how to breathe

but the darkness that i'm most scared of
is the darkness of emptiness.
this darkness felt hollow,
i don't feel alive yet i'm moving
i don't feel anything, yet i'm strongly feeling everything
every agony, pain, joy, i feel them all strongly
yet i feel nothing at all
i feel like i want to scream, but there would be no sounds from within
i'm a ghost, in a human's body
and i don't know how long i'd be hollow.

this might be my silent call for help.

if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them how you made me feel secure and insecure at the same time
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that you're different from everyone else in this world
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that it was hard, that it was painful
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that i see myself in you in a way nobody can
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that you are me when you fully accept your emotions
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that it's the first time everything made sense
if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that no one else is for me, except you

if they ask me what i feel,
i will tell them that i love you,
in a way i never have loved before

It’s funny how some of us have to meet a lot of lessons before we meet “the one.”
It’s also funny how some of us could meet our persons without having to meet some of lessons.
Let’s call them group one and group two, respectively.
Group one usually gets jealous as to how group two do not need to feel hurt multiple times just to meet their persons, their other halves.
Group two usually gets confused as to why group one cannot see what is wrong with what they are doing.
Both can love the same way, both can provide the effort the same way.
Where does it differ?
Group one usually can last for a very short period of time, and they do not see it as often; consistency, most of the time, is not in their vocabulary.
Group two, on the other hand, can last a lifetime. They already know the difference of respect, trust and love, and how those three work together. Without respect, there would be no trust. Without trust, love cannot survive alone.
When both group two meet, you could say it’s too good to be true, but it’s real.
When group one and group two meet, usually group one becomes a part of group two, and both of them can wholly respect, trust, and love for a long period of time. Rare cases of group one being so strong, and making the group two transfer to group one, is not a good outcome and eventually…
When both group one meet, it could cause destruction for both sides.
How can a group one person transfer to group two?
It’s the easiest thing to say but the hardest thing to do.
If you think you’re part of the group one, look at yourself. All parts of you, good and bad. Learn yourself, which parts are your best? Which parts are your worst? And love them all.
If you think you’re part of the group two, congratulations. You’ve been through a lot. You’ve suffered a lot. Good job on your inner work. I am so proud of you.

"It's better to be scared than to be hurt."

She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things she's experiencing now.
She's clever, intuitive, and knows exactly what to do given any situation she'll experience.
There is no difference this time.
She knows what she needs to be done this time, even before her friends told her what to do.
She knows what to avoid the first time she heard him tell that.
She knows that everything is wrong the moment she'll continue.
She knows that it will hurt her if she proceed.
She knows, but her heart didn't.

Let me tell you something about her.
Her complex mind makes her one of the saddest person to live in this planet.
She cried a ton, for multiple reasons she could ever think.
There's never a day where she thinks, "Oh, someone can understand me today," as her complexity makes everyone, I'm not even kidding, misunderstand her.
She might say that she got used to being misunderstood that being understood scares her.
Out of a million, if a person shows that he/she sees her, of he/she understands her, she backs out.
She has gone through a lot of pain, no one could ever imagine what she had gone through.
A lot of people invalidate her, call her childish, immature and everything that they can see on the surface.
And as much as it saddens her, there are times where she believed those people.
There are times where she forgot her power.
She once believed that she could meet her person, one day.
Now, she's slowly believing that no one will ever be there for her.
As days go by, as thoughts cram to her head like a wildfire, her heart slowly got locked away and it forgot what it felt to love.
What it felt to say the words, "I love you," that it scares her whenever she hears those three words.
It's now her weakness.
Those three words could make her weak in the knees, and make her cry.
The thing that she is scared of is happening now.
Her walls are higher, highest that it's ever been.
Her trust in people are close to none.
Her belief that love exists in this world is slowly fading.
Her heart that was once can see the good in relationships, are slowly going away.
She was once a girl, full of principles she thought will not go away.
She can blame the society for all the beliefs she has now, but at the end of the day, it is her who accepted those beliefs.
She has been alone, she always felt alone, and nothing has changed.

She can say that that is the reason why she made those decisions.
She wanted intimacy.
She wanted someone to care, even if it's not exactly the same as to how she cares.
She wanted someone to tell her problems to, even knowing she needs time to fully trust a person.
She has never fully trusted anyone, so she doesn't know where to start.
She wanted a person.
Her person.
Consistent person.
Decided person.
Her person.
A person who will not leave her even when she wanted to leave.
A person who will hug her when she cries so loud, and tries to break off of the hug.
A person who will be there.
Not in words, not in actions, but in soul.
A person who she knows will be there no matter what.

She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things that she's experiencing now.
She wants to justify those things by saying that she's the saddest person in the world.
She wants someone to see her.
She wants someone to ask, "What did the world do to you that made you do such things?"
She wants someone to look at her in the eyes, and she will feel that that person will listen to her, see her, and will not leave her.
She wants peace.
She wants safety.

She wasn't the type of girl who would go through such things that she's experiencing now.
And I hope it's not too late for her to fix everything.
I hope it's not too late for her to be happy in the way she wants to.

I heard a story one time,
A story I couldn't and wish not to forget.

There was a boy.
A small young boy, sensitive to what other feels,
A kind young boy who chooses to see the good out of everyone.
He's an innocent young boy who sees the world in a good sense.
One day, he was playing in a playground,
He saw an insect walking in the middle of it.
He and his friends were playing a game, and that game needs running.
He so badly wanted to protect the insect that he went directly to the insect.
He covered the insect with both of his hands, trying to protect it from the kids who are running.
The other kids saw what he did.
Never did he know he can influence other people that easily.
The other kids copied what he did, and covered him while he was covering the insect.
He knows the intentions of the kids were good.
He saw that the other kids just wanted to do what he was doing because he see the good in people.
But due to the weight of all the kids,
When he opened both of his hands where the insect can be found,
He saw the insect crushed and flat.
It broke his heart.
It broke his heart so much that he couldn't forget the story.

This boy that I'm talking about is now a man with job and responsibilities.
He still remembers clearly the time that his inner kid couldn't forget.
I could still see the inner kid in him, every single time we spent together.
I could still see the boy that protected the insect and had his heart broken because the insect died.
He's still the sensitive boy, hiding in a "have a strong heart" man.
He still gets his heart broken in the smallest things, hiding in a "I'm okay, I can do it."
I'm happy I witnessed both the boy and the man.
And I'm happy I get to experience to love this boy and this man.

For a person who loves to make other people laugh,
She doesn't know when her laugh is real.
It got to the point where she got used to laughing,
She thought she's happy all the time.
Maybe she is, maybe she's genuinely happy all the time.
Who knows?

For a person who loves to assure other people they're safe,
She prefers danger more than anything.
She chooses danger, and private every single time decision has to be made.
She allows danger to take her over.
Maybe she just doesn't know what it feels to choose something that's safe that can make her happy.
Maybe she's just used to feeling the excitement brought by danger.
Who knows?

For a person who gives love so easily,
She never knows what love really is.
She maybe knowing how she loves, and she's been looking for it everywhere.
She's about to give up looking for that love, the same love that she gives to people.
Maybe she just wants to feel that love, the love that she provides.
Who knows?

For a person who wants others to experience true happiness everywhere she goes,
She only experienced happiness that came from danger, secrecy, privacy and everything that's wrong.
She has never experienced happiness that came from peace.

For a girl that wants purity and integrity so bad,
She has been living a life full of mystery, secrets, and lies.

She's scared that no one will ever understand her.
She's scared that no one will ever see her.
She's scared that she might not be able to forgive herself.