I can write about all the ways we miscommunicate
Words and phrases and lack of response
Blank faced with no sense of emotion or displays of affection
Unsure of whatever spectrum we're on
But if we even are on the same one, we're on opposite sides
It's funny how I can bleed out through pen ink but I can't ever seem to annunciate
My words won't translate into how I feel to anyones face and yours is no exception in this case
Barriers I feel terrified to get through
The break downs are rough and like milk you had in the fridge for months
You forgot it was there but when you find it it's spoiled

Love hungry
It's written on my skin
Desperate to get rid of every blank slate inside of myself
All these places I feel an absence of something I'm unsure of
Like I'm trying to soak it all up
Trying to absorb every last bit of anything I can
Your touch on my skin
I don't know why I'm beggining to think that was the best place to begin
Again I'm trying to suffocate my soul
I'm trying to let it morph and melt and turn into something else because maybe it's never really even been there
I don't want to feel me
I feel my chest weighing heavy and I wish it was because someone else's was on top of it
But it isn't and all these thoughts keep making my body so much heavier
Stacking itself up on top of my bones
They seem so strong but after all this time they are cracking
I know that no one can take this from me
That all the skin and eyes and hands and words and poison won't undo all the things that I have let saturate me
They won't change them into anything else
Even if you paint over something, what was there before will always show when the paint begins to peel but I never even get to the point of letting it dry and falling in love changes my colors but it's all just stacking up and mixing into itself and all I am is ******* messy beyond a previous point
I should have stopped
All it's done has turned me black and heavy
I've been mixing all these colors because I don't understand what moderation is and I don't know why I won't stop trying to cover everything in a different color to be something other than what I am and what I'm not
I have become a bit of it all but I'm beginning to think that nothing can ever make me whole
Not having someone love me through their entire soul, not even that will make me whole
It's just wasting time waiting for the downpour and it won't even bring me a fresh page but something even harder for me to grasp
My lack of understanding is never ending and I'm still screaming at the sky for not having a silver lining or at least one that I could ever find and it's too **** difficult to just make up my mind
All I can say to myself now is I'm sorry, I tried

I’m scared
And I’ve got these occasional
10 feet thick ice walls that sprout up around my heart
For when the thinking about it gets hard
And the breaths I breathe are barely there
And I can’t even thank the trees for giving it to me
When I feel it hit my chest and it hits harder and harder
Until all I notice is the harshness of it all
And once I do
Like a cat scratching on a door
I’m trying to punch the walls down
But once they’re up there’s no getting in or out
Wisdom teeth
Retractable, receding only when they’re ready
Sometimes I just wish it was easier just to sit
Not every action needs a reaction but I’ve already planned out 500 different ways this could go
And I can’t find a solution for them all
Panic attack narrator with shaking hands
Exposing herself to no one because
it’s much easier that way
If what they see is me
I hope that no one ever has half the opinion of myself I do
That’s too much hate to try and pretend to handle
I still laugh and blow out imagery candles
Because I dislike the smell of burning wicks
And I still have the same opinions as me
But something else creeps in when it smells  left over food
And I just want to not provoke it anymore than I already seem to do

Getting close to me is like watching a train wreck and loving me is like hugging the train
Sacrificing yourself for a nobody with a sarcastic smile on her face laughing at the trembling in your legs
I can't keep making decisions for everyone but myself but you're being too nice to me
I know you're soft and I've got fangs
My joints are dislocated and overgrown
And all my nerves and veins are wrapping themselves up in coils the second I hear your name
When you touch me I yank myself away
Soft limbs harden
I've got serpents in my stomach that are just itching themselves to climb up my esophagus and bite off your tongue
Just to say I told you not to put your lips so close to mine
I don't bother easily
Even when your teeth are digging into me I still want to laugh at the fact that you're shaking your legs but it's been a heat stroke inducing kinda day
I know you could've never guessed why I kept an arms distance between you and I at nearly all times
I'm making up excuses just to make sure you don't stay
Because the truth is that it's not yours to know
I'm sorry that I'm always driving the get away car and leaving you at the crime scene
But you never robbed a bank, it's just the only way I can think of to keep you safe
I'm not going to stick around and make you keep swallowing all the lumps in your throat
They weren't supposed to be there and I don't know why you keep pushing them back down because you know every single time I hear the sounds you make
I'm not going to take you with me because you don't deserve the accessory to robbery label that would get pinned to your chest

I remember when you asked me if I ever really loved you
I told you that I did, but I don't know why I never told you
I never told you that I loved you because your laugh sounded like something no symphony could have compared to
Like you were stealing stars
Picking them out of the sky with your bare hands and hiding them in your stomach
So when you opened your mouth all I could see and feel was light
The scars in your skin reminded me of the moon's craters
Like you had weathered storms and bashings and so many collisions it was a surprise you hadn't crumbled
The result of it was on your flesh but you were still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen
And like the waves created by our satellites gravity, I always fell into yours
You moved and stirred me like the sea
Like I would lose every last piece of me and you'd become the only reason I felt moved by anything
Your eyes had more depth to them than any sinkhole or cave or ocean our planet could ever hold
I'd get lost in the way your pupils were like tunnels, entries to every last part of you that I couldn't run my fingers over and press my lips to but god, did I ******* try
They were like black holes that swallowed me whole and once I was in I was trapped inside of you and I never wanted to leave
I'd stare and stare and wonder how I'd see so much light in all the darkness
I loved you because you had always been the most beautiful concept I could never fully wrap my mind around
I loved you, and I always will to some degree
You became such an all encompassing piece of me

It's most likely just my ****** disposition
Picking flowers just to watch them wilt
Maybe I've just been wilting
Losing petals and color and life
I can't keep ahold of anything
Possibly just tearing out my own roots so no one else could do it for me
Tired of replanting myself and tired of trying to become acquainted to new soil
Adaptation is ******* and I don't want to play with change anymore but it's so ******* unfortunate how you usually have no choice or say in the matter, it's always so forced
Forced to change or sit in the ruines
And sometimes, I do
Sometimes I stay there until I can't breathe in anymore ash
Ether streaming to my lungs making its home there
Sometimes I stay there long after everyone has left and I sit in it as long as I can
Sometimes I leave before it can happen
Sometimes it never does
I tell myself it would have if I'd have stayed
It would have changed
Maybe it's just my ****** disposition
Telling me that no matter what changes I make
None of them will ever constitute as enough that your heart could ever feel the same as mine
Now it's pounding in my temples telling me that I'm wasting my time
Not enough, unloveable
Not enough for anyone, but you aren't just anyone
You're so much more and I have so much less than most
And then comes the rejection of the thought, the tantrum, the dissociation, the I don't need love, the I'd rather be alone my entire life than deal with the pain of loving someone like there was a knife pressed against me and having them shove it in
I don't need love
But no matter how long that last
I always want yours

We've let the world harden us
We've become afraid of keeping our softness
Mistaking being vulnerable with being malleable
Because before we get hurt we're open books
Letting fingers skim our pages
Letting minds invelop us
Not afraid to be seen or touched or loved
Then someone is careless
All it takes is once
Careless hands and hearts and heads we've let change us
Like a chemical reaction things cannot be repaired to the way they were before
And we've become callused
We've developed shells and locks and steel walls to trap ourselves away
To make sure no one will ever do the things that they have to us again
We become cold and distant and I'm not sure if I can fathom that this is not irrevocable
I won't say that I can't try with all my might
I won't say that
This isn't permanent and we unfreeze ourselves and thaw out once the right warmth gets close to us
And were left open, sometimes people will read through us, they study our every word like they're in a trance and still decide that they don't want to ever pick us up again
Sometimes the pages get ripped out and burned and sometimes we get written in and thrown away and left in boxes or never touched
But even with a few missing pages
Even being changed
One day someone will pick us up and read us over and over again
They'll keep pieces of us inside their heads and recite words that are written throughout us
They'll never keep us far away
One day someone is going to knock down all your walls
They won't do it in a way that feels like you're crumbling but one that you're unsure of when it started to happen or how and before you know it you will have let them in and they'll unlock doors for you so you can see what's been there the whole time
So be hard, be cold as ice, be distant, be quiet, be closed off, just know that it won't always work
All your efforts might not keep you protected
Someone is going to warm you up straight to your bones and wake all the bees in your stomach from their slumber and restart your heart in such a way that you couldn't remember the last time you felt your blood screaming in your veins declaring itself alive and in love
You're going to fall in love with someone that wants to live inside of you and never wants to leave
And it's going to feel like going home

It's kind of like there are holes in reality
And often times a hand is reaching out
Grabbing at my feet and attempting to pull me underneath
Sometimes it succeeds
All too often I'm less concerned for myself and more so for what the people above me might think
Screaming excuses that sound barely audible to the ones still on the ground, I'm below you and you still don't know
To the people who haven't lost there footing and can't hear my cries
I know that I'm odd at times
And I'm sorry I can't let you in to see all the things happening inside
But quite honestly my head is the only acceptable place I've ever been able to hide

You've got me choking on smiles
Laughing at crooked brain waves
Sometimes I don't know what to say
But you've started to settle in
Like sand in the ocean
Once you past a certain point you can only sink deeper from there
You've got me choking on laughter
Like I'm trying to swallow it and pretend it wasn't ever there
I like that I don't have to try so hard
And that you like me better when I don't
Don't overanalyze it too much
I do it just enough for the both of us
But you're starting to take it away and I'm smirking just thinking about saying your name
Most of the time I don't even know what I'm saying
But I like the fact that I'm into the idea of staying

I'm beginning to think that we were never supposed to meet
I was only a river in the midst of land
And you were every single last grain of sand
Never had anything in my short life felt so infinite
And you must have drowned in me, if only a little bit

You stole pieces of me
Maybe I gave them to you when you decided to give me yours
Maybe I shouldn't have ever opened that door
But you took yours back quickly, snatched them up and ran out
It took me a while to come out of the shock you left me in
To realize not only that you were leaving but you were leaving with mine too
And a year later
You want to flash a smile
Say you apologize
That you're guilty for it that you think of me daily and try to hand them back
A dog with it's tail tucked between his legs
Holding a shoe you tore to shreds between your teeth
But the truth is they were always yours
And I don't want them anymore
They don't fit me the way the used to
I've already stitched together different patches of myself so many times to try and become something whole
And then you try and hand them back, tainted with your scent and thoughts
You morphed them into something else
Everything I've spent so long try to compensate
Given back to me like it didn't mean a thing
Like I hadn't spent nights on the bathroom tiles crumbling because I was left with nothing
Like you hadn't stolen my heart and stitched my chest right back up without it
Like I hadn't filled my veins with all sorts of terrible things just to forget about how you had polluted everything
Or that I didn't even know how to be me without you
But in all the odds somehow I grew
I managed to get on living my life  
Without your knife pressed against me
Just for a year later you decide to give me this ****** up surprise
I don't want them and
I don't want you

You're a piece of art that I'm scared to touch because my fingers are bleeding and you're too beautiful for blood
So I'll pretend that I don't want the texture of you beneath my skin because I already know exactly how this will end

And god
When you give me that look
My heart turns soft
And the floors start to shake
All I can think about
Is how I just can't wait
My fingernails rake your back
And all you do is smile with tact
I think about Sunday mornings
The way I rot in bed
But with you here
I'd have no dread
Maybe I'm just a childish girl
Obsessed with love, in any source
But when I was young
It only ever came in the form
Of holes in the walls
And glass on the floors
Your eyes are so soft
And you've fallen for me
Somehow just maybe, someday we'll be

I remember sloppy fingertips on hazes of you
You left notes on my doorstep in the screaming storms with flickering streetlights and leaking roofs
And every time I'd pick them up the ink was on my skin but I could never read the words
You never wrote me letters until it was raining and I'd never get them until they were soggy and disformed and molding to my bones
I'd feel them but I could never decipher a single word
It was like you didn't want me to know what they meant but you always wanted me to know they were there
Maybe that's the reason I started to get so scared
You wrapped me up in blankets when it was cold
But I'm not sure if I was ever something you wanted to hold

I'm trying to remember how to write poetry, but lately I've been living it
Touching your skin has calmed all the words that I've ever had boiling in me
Being with you is like putting smoke in the honey combs to calm the bees and you're the smoker
But also the honey I want to protect with all of my little life
I'm the swarm of bees because God knows I can't keep my mind quiet without you
It's not a good thing, I don't rely on you but I've never felt something so surreal as laying down entangled in one another
I'm addicted to the way you talk in your sleep and the way you place your tongue when you think and the things that you say to put me at ease
Mainly, I'm addicted to you
Your messy hair and messy house and messy words and you're still beautiful throughout it all
I've been completely love sick for months on end and they just keep coming
Something new, to scare me, to make me feel like everything we built will collapse
But you're still here and I'm still sleeping in your bed when I actually can get to sleep and stop looking at my world snoring softly beside me
I love you so fully it's eating at my mind, because all I can feel is my heart swelling inside me

I can't be the one to say it so
I don't say anything at all
I've got a forest fire burning all the trees I spent years growing in my solar plexus
But all I am is skin and bones and blood harboring unresolved conflicts I try to hide with smoke
Sending fire signals to all the other valleys in sight just to make sure
Make sure no one else gets hurt while I'm burning myself to ashes on the ground
Yet no one gets the message and everyone wants me incarcerated for the fact that maybe no one bothered to listen and at times like these all I can say is I'm sorry you hadn't payed more attention
I was cutting off whole limbs for people that wouldn't even give me a hand when I needed one
Somehow the smoke swallowed me when I wasn't keeping the best watch of myself
I disappeared inside that hollowed out hole inside my chest
I'll take the blame for lighting the match but for all the people that spilled the butane on me and somehow can't even muster up an apology
Maybe I'm greatful I didn't die just so you wouldn't be the ones to write my eulogy
And some of the time
That's more than enough

I was lost in my own rib cage
Until I realized that loving you wouldn't make me love myself anymore than I do now
But I'm still turning your freckles into constellations in my head
And connecting the dots with my fingertips
And you're still laughing like you love me
But you fell for an ideal
And the sea is not always calm
More often raging and falling into itself than it is not
I still romanticize the way your eyelashes would fall from your eyelids
And how it made me feel like you have so many wishes to make and they're all full of life
Just like you
But loving you won't make me feel anymore alive than I do now
And if it does it's only in moments that I preserve for the times that I don't
I can't keep freezing the moments that never last and checking my rear view mirror to see if anything is following me from my past
I know that you're gone now and it's time to stop looking for you in all the places you left behind
Because I was one of them

The wit just drips off your words
But I'm not really there
My palms are wet and cusped and filled with the liquid formation of what I'm given
Advice I grip onto and try to let absorb into me
Try to taste it, to feel it, to see it
Trying to know if it applies
Something that lets me know that there is direction to this life
Signs and signals I've been purposefully missing for so long
Avoiding all the warning signs that leave me exhausted beyond amount
Maybe they're speaking to me
Desperation is all my body language has became at times like these
Desperate for the period at the end in the midst of all the question marks I don't have enough words or connecting brain signals to give adequate responses to
Long run and ever going
An object in motion will stay in motion until stopped
But all my tactics to work around things have succeeded until all the sudden everything meets in a forced crash
It always meets somewhere and when it does I'm left in the rubble and aftermath
Trying to sort through all of the connecting parts left unconnected that I could have kept together if only I had
But I never do
It all crumbles and compacts until more things are adding up that I keep apart until they eventually meet
And they're all sharp
Biting and unavoidable
But I don't stop
Focusing all of my attention on sawing one down instead of stopping the making of others but because instant gratification has always been my favorite forte
I've only ever succeeded in getting nowhere but lost

I've got pieces of my soul telling me to come home soon
If only they knew how hard I've been struggling to

And I'll add this to the list of things that make my bones ache
I just want to give it a go but everything is happening so slow
Dissatisfaction is never displaced when it comes to me
Stop raising your standards so high because I'm tired of having to say goodbye
I don't want my cheeks to turn soggy because I couldn't make yours not
It wasn't my job to take care of you and I've been having such a difficult time taking care of myself that I'm not sure I could handle feeling at fault for not upholding unspoken obligations you passed to my shadow when I was turned around and my eyes got blinded by the sun
Let's start over
I never meant to make you smile when I saw you because I didn't think you'd give it back to me when I gave you mine
But see somehow I'm always off track
This night keeps dragging on and it's been repeating the same tired song
You say love like it's more than a word but there's too many feelings inside me to place what I feel for you in a mere four letters
Maybe I'm scared to say it because I don't think it's real but you make it eloquent and fluid and alive and I never thought I'd say it but I don't want it back this time
I'll give and give and give until I'm all used up and empty but I'm not ready to die don't make me tell you I was never alive
I don't want to give it back you're going to put me off track and take it right back after it's there and then it's gone and it's still the same tired song
I'm sorry I could never just shut my mouth and play along

You're going to realize that I'm not worth staying for
You're going to realize it even if you don't have to go like you say you might
You told me you might disappear and never come back and all I could do was cry because I finally gained some hope that you might not leave this time
You might not come into my life again just to leave it a wreck like the last
Like a ******* tornado, ripping all my heartlessness and disinterest out of the roots of who I am and seeing some of the things I keep down so deep inside just to vanish
Abandonment should feel normal by now but I never felt like my entire structure was collapsing when someone left until it was you
I realized that hope is the worst thing a person could have
It will destroy everything you thought you had
I'm going to blink and the only thing I loved is going to be gone
You're going to leave me
And I'm going to act like it's okay until I can't breathe and I haven't left my bed for weeks and I quit smoking because it's too much to move from my mattress to the window
Because I can't find a lighter and I lose everything I touch
I shouldn't have ever touched you
I shouldn't have ever met you, you're going to destroy me
You're going to leave me in ruins but none of it ******* matters when I've got your skin on mine and your lips on mine and your eyes on me I could care less about the things that you're going to do to me
I've never meant what I've written so ******* much in this moment
Abandon all hope
It's a sinking ship
If you want to die, hold on but I'm ready to jump
I wish that things could be different
In a different life I think we could be together for a very long time
But this world isn't that one
And no matter how much I wish it was and how much I want to wake up to you every morning it just isn't going to happen

I knew it
By the way the shortness of breath evaporated all the words from your lips
And with mearly a slip of the tongue that had just grazed my neck
Gone

Maybe you've just got to understand that you simply aren't and cannot be the soft little bunny that people around you wish you were
Maybe you were made out of the tight grip you keep on your knife when you walk at night and blank stares so cold you ice over men's ego
Maybe you were made from the fire that runs through your mothers veins and the way she let your father treat her just to keep you safe but you need to listen closely now
Your sharp edges are just as beautiful as that little creatures purity
You aren't merely a person
You're a tornado and you're lightning and fire and roaring oceans and you're the moon
But even through this
You hold more beauty in you than you will ever know
Maybe you aren't easy to love or understand but the ones that do cannot forget about the mark you left on them
You're breath taking and you are blinding and intense and what can be more alluring than all of this
Nonetheless, you are loved
No matter what thoughts your head tries to drown you in
You are loved