Mist lingers on my lips,
All the words I meant to say
Pent up under the deep rot of rage
My body quivers,
Mind shivers
With incoherent messages
Trying to comprehend
But left only guessing
At this game of life

Come on now,
Sitting stiffly in the car
Come on now brain,
You mustn't be mad
Force force force yourself to be glad
Go swallow the pill of austere reality
It's cold, it's bleak, and it's ******* with my mentality

Because I like magical notions
I dream too often of the ocean
I think of all the places I'll never be
I dream about my destiny
I am weak
Yet I am strong
I am as haywire as a jazz song
My sould sinks deep
My spirit shoots up higher

Mist lingers on my lips
My fingertips
Are as cold as ice
My eyes are averted,
How could I ever look what I want
In the eye
And ask for it?

Little light
Streaming through my window
Into my dark room
How I truly treasure you

Little light
Guide me in this eternal night
I can no longer fight
I completely surrender this plight

I live in unease
So please,
God, I call out to You
Set me free from this darkness that consumes me

The world is always begging for my attention
For my eyes and for my mind
It wants to mold me into something unnatural
And make me a foreigner to my own instinct
I feel anxiety tighten around me like a stifling rope
As my psyche is bombarded by an endless array of digitized stimuli
It’s created as an addiction, and this addiction suffocates
Painting illusions that cause a soul-rotting envy
But we’re all liars engaging the game
Knowing that we are imposters communing from a safe distance
Avoidance has become the most deadly form of complacency,
It is a dark comfort
To not have to experience the unpredictable world within our animal bodies
But instead, curate our perfected persona online,
And disengage from the body
By having the mind incessantly entranced by an onslaught of media.

I can't fake it
When I think of you I hate it
There isn't an eloquent way to say it
I've known suffering intimately
By way of my fellow humanity
So tell me,
Why should I open my heart again,
To let another human in?

They said all I am is a dreamer,
And that's all I'll ever be
Didn't you see
How much I had loved you?
But you overlooked me,
And now you're mad,
That I overlook you

Am I supposed to make myself blind,
To your every red flag within my sight?
You know I love your eyes
But did you ever realize
That maybe
All I needed
Was for you to work up the nerve to tell me?
I'm not like the other girls,
I need this to be real,
I refuse to settle for
Subpar love
I need something beyond feelings

Because I never sit still,
And I won't stay long
If the heart connection isn't strong
Maybe you see me as weak,
A woman overflowing with a spectrum of emotion,
But I don't attach easily,
I give my devotion rarely,
But when I finally do,
You can expect all of me

So what do you want?
Should we persist in sending ambiguous messages?
Kissing screens
Only dreaming of love,
Or will you grab my hand,
And sweep me off my feet?

Go home
Echoed in the trees
In the wind
Dancing all around me
Listen to your heart
My heart, tucked safely behind
Old ribs
Go back to a place of endless posibilities, this town you subsist in lacks in mobility
This I know, and it's slowly killing me
Go back home*
Yelled the babbling brook
It's time, once again
To find my roots.

I wish God were a home.
I would twist the copper door ****
Of a weathered wooden door
And enter into
The warmth of God's heart
In the center would be a fireplace with a roaring fire,
Which is God's unconditional and inextinguishable love for humankind
There would be sweetly soft leather coaches covered in white furry pillows
And laying on that couch would be like being sprawled out and carefree in the arms of our Father
All the books of the home
Would hold the endless stories
Of God's personal love for you
And it would have the account of every miniscule moment God showed up in,
All the mundane tasks and routines God was a part of
Even when we didn't notice His presence
And in the living room,
We would find an old friend
A very dear friend
A friend who loved us so much that he died for us
But he's Alive once again
And he's looking up at us from the reclining chair he is sitting in
And he is clothed in a golden robe with purple accents
And he's just so beautiful to behold
He's smiling the most genuine smile I've ever seen
And there is dry blood crusted around where the nails were hammered in on his wrists
And he says to me:
*Nice to see you my friend,
Where have you been all this time?
I've been waiting for you to
Welcome me back into your life.

I awake everyday,
Wishing this day won't turn out the same,
As every day before today,
Cold and grey
Empty and full of dismay
I coddle myself,
Telling myself everything will be okay,
But I feed into my pain,
I do the same things everyday
That make me go insane
And then I wonder why,
I'm miserable,
As I wipe tears from my eyes
I think of all the ways I will change oneday,
And I harp on some ****** up memories,
Some may call depression a disease,
But I call it a failure to maintain internal peace,

Sometimes I remember being a child,
When I was happy
How do I beat the odds,
Of this thing that threatens to consume me?

Good or bad,
Everything falls apart
Everything is within the cycle of life—
Being born, growing and dying
There are many rebirths, new growths and mini deaths experienced throughout each persons life

That’s all I can really expect from this life:
That things will change

It will feel like most things have stayed the same
Like this sharp pain in my brain
But really, though the script has stayed relatively the same
The characters have aged,
Their hearts are frayed
My mind is slightly disarrayed

All I can do
Is swallow my pain whole
And surrender it to the great poet in the sky
Maybe she could rewrite the ending
Before I truly die.

No,
I say
Nah, it couldn't be
Yeah, my insecurities are wrecking me
Keeping me safe,
Or so I thought
Yeah,
The most uncertain aspect of my life
Includes you

But tonight
I'll make a calculated jump,
Anyway,
I've been making a lot of leaps lately
Trusting that something will catch me

Cause I know I'll have to take some risks,
To get to where I want to be.

It's quiet
Slow like molasses
I hear the children in the background
and the church bells ringing
I love but I still hurt,
this low hollow ache of undigested agony
I covered it with a smile
but it still overcomes me
I am like an ocean
Typically calm and serene
with little bursts of waves
touching people's feet
But storms come unexpectedly
a turbulence that I don't think I can withstand
I am like a light house
standing strong
on the rocky ground
As violent waves crash over me
It's quiet now
But the waves ache deep within
I'm wary of awakening them
And waking my self up to my unease
I just don't want to think anymore
Because I'm scared of crashing down
Just need to listen now
and try to love
despite my wounds.

Time passes
Dreams slowly die
I looked into your open eyes
And spoke strange things

Time passes
And dreams go away
Nothing ever happens
The status quo remains

I might go insane
Everything is monotonous
Every single day
Come, take my pain away

I don't care how good or bad you are
I'll pack up all my life into a suitcase
And jump into your car,
Just one request: Drive far

Can't you see?
I can't take the pointless drudgery
Stuck in between
Wanting to stay and wanting to leave.

Everyone is boring!*
I scream
I feel it with every fiber of my being
People go after vain and useless pursuits
Your ego rides shotgun
While your soul suffocates, ******* in the trunk
It's easy to be this mind numbingly empty in this day and age
With all of our distractions
It's so easy
To wear beautiful clothes,
Inject botox,
Paint our faces
And see ourselves in the mirror as a complete and presentable person,
But we never make time to peek at our own hearts.
No, instead
We persist in our vapid lives
That we try to decorate with meaning
But all that meaning fails in the long run
Because we have become Egos incapable of true love...
The only solution to this
Is to make the long journey from the head to the heart..

Take me to the thin places
Where I can nearly grasp God,
Step into the ethereal
Swaying with kaleidoscopic celestial beings
like the cool breeze dancing with the branches of the willow trees

I ran out too far on the ice
I found the precipice, the end of the world
Looking down from the solid glacier I stood on, I was so small
I saw darkness,
Only darkness

The ice cracked, the world split in half
Earth's core wailed out
Crying tears of flames
We tried to console her,
The Mother we abandoned, the Mother we abused
We tried to console Her,
But it was too late.
Her sadness consumed us.

Sometimes, humanity still has faint glimmers of vestigial memories
That makes them look up from their hand held devices
For one passing second,
To contemplate if there is more to this life
But no answers are found on their Google searches
And they forget,
Like they always do.

But I remember,
Some of us still do
The way the babbling brook laughs,
The sounds of chattering birds
Hearts being shared with loved ones
Smiles being shared with everyone
There must be substance in this world
Beyond all the vanity
And we are determined to get it back somehow
And in that pursuit,
To gain some semblance of sanity

But as the world wars,
As the girls paint their faces
And the middle aged men buy their fancy cars
As we all pretend
With feigned smiles
With stoic personas
We curate our perfect lives,
For we desire people to like us, to love us
As we actively hate ourselves
Well, I will be seeking those thin places
Where I will be absorbed by the stars
The sky will be closer to the ground
Which my feet will no longer be on
I will be as light as a feather
Being carried by the breeze of the Spirit
In iridescent splendor I'll rest
As this world continues on in it's ubiquitous unrest.

If I could tell her the things I see
When she’s not here....

Her boyfriend is my friend,
Don’t worry, I don’t like him
He’s a flirt,
Hungry for attention
But when I see him act like this
All I see is a love-broke beggar

She’s thousands of miles away,
But she’ll be back soon,
Probably by the end of June
They have a long distance relationship,
Attached to a screen,
It’s like his girlfriend is trapped within a machine

He picks me up to go to a social gathering
I laugh with my friends,
But I can’t help noticing
Him saddling up to attractive women

He makes them laugh
And calls them pretty
I look on with disgust, not envy
For it’s his girlfriend that I pity

I want to scold him,
Tell him what he does isn’t right
Why is he seeking superficial attention,
When he has a great girl who is a refreshing source of life?

How can you say you care about people,
When you can't even care for a person?

I woke up early this morning
to find thorny vines
wrapped around me
The thorns pierced deeply
into my flesh
I howled,
My broken flesh bled
I lay tangled in a heap,
helpless on my bed

I finally wriggled myself free
I ran up to my mirror
to see
bruises and open wounds
All over my body
I fell to the ground and cried,
Because I saw myself
as ugly and broken
Who could ever love
Someone as hideous as me?

I cleared my bed of the thorny vines
And curled up into a ball on my white sheets
I left the world far behind
as I drifted off into
a silent world
of sleep.

My body bears the scars,
but it's my heart that bleeds.

You are ******* alive,
Look into my eyes,
Brother
Open your mouth to scream
I see blood on your knees
Get up from that ground, boy
You have a life to live,
And it's all yours
Why do you blame everything on fate?
In this life, there is never a "too late"
Oneday, you will awake
And just like me,
You will see
All the time you wasted on the mediocrity,
All that time wasted on fitting in
But brother,
Trust me
The worst thing you can do is give in

You are ******* alive,
Breathe that polluted air through your nostrils
Cling to decaying ways
Pick love up in your arms in the morning
And feel all the pain of this world
Everything is dead or dying
But here you are, right now
Upon this barren earth,
Crying
Sighing as if it were your last breathe
But must I remind you,
That you are alive?
Look out at the sunrise
Feel your beating pulse
Dance in endless wildflowers
Rid yourself of all that is false.

This hollow darkness,
My smile is a veil
No one understands me
My soul is growing ill

I'm an island,
Secluded and alone
Every ounce of my being is screaming out
My lips don't make a sound

I deny this darkness
It's too much to bare alone
But I don't know how to dissolve it
I need arms to hold me that are not my own

My burdens are like bricks
That I carry on my back
I grow wearisome
But I can't cut myself slack

I've been lost in the maze of my heart,
I need to be set free
I'm so confused
I need some saving

I don't seek simple solutions,
Pep talks and self help
I need deep down healing--
Wisdom, not wealth

I know God will see me through,
I'll just have to listen
I can't keep losing myself
Betraying myself by the deception of kissing.

On the surface we have chaos,
Protective parts of us at war
Because sometimes we trigger each other’s wounds
And we become angry at each other for making us experience old, unhealed pain

But our true selves will always be connected
I think we’re starting to see
That no matter how many old wounds get unveiled by the other
And how sometimes the unveiling of these wounds make us stand at the cord that connects our hearts, threatening to cut it with rusty scissors
We will always stay connected,
We will always be old friends
And once we turn inward and heal our wounds
We’ll begin to feel grateful for each other triggering our wounds
For with every triggering of a wound,
We can swoop in and love the unmet need from childhood inside ourselves
And thank each other for being guides in showing us where the pain lies within us

May we be thankful for this gift of love
The gift of each other
Being the guides to our healing.

Look at me
Don't turn away
Look into my eyes boy
And don't let yours stray
My eyes will tell you everything,
But I know that's not okay

I understand
That sometimes people make decisions
Without a clear plan
And so things get jumbled
And things become unclear
Like you're not sure where you're going
You don't know who to love
But it's all okay for now,
I guess
Life is just a wave
For us to ride

And yet I still yearn
For our eyes to meet
The way they once did
Last year
But you turned your face away
You disappeared
I'll never truly understand
Why you did

I know you want to look
But now you only glance
You can't reconcile your desires with your shoulds,
You can't abandon your social expectations
For a dream come true.

Still not good enough*
Echoes in my brain,
It makes me inert,
From living fully I refrain
This world is in chaos,
It seems safer to pull back,
Avoid
What if I showed who I really am,
And people didn't listen,
People didn't care?
I have an ache that needs to be tended to,
I have an ache that needs love
I show this ache to the world,
But I seem to only accrue scorn
It's a pain so massive it makes me wish I weren't born,
I pray that I find just one person,
Who is willing to see me,
In both my glory and misery
I can no longer stand the facades,
Passing faces clothed in lies,
I refuse to wear this mask of my demise
I feel my heart blossoming
Like a sunrise
It must emerge,
Despite the internal apprehension
And the coldness of this world,
I will own these growing pains,
And be real in this world.

I've been down a long time
I've had a sad song singing in my heart
It all started long ago,
With my life spinning down a drain
It's hard sometimes
To feel misunderstood
And full of pain

I guess there's a grain of joy though
When your idols come crashing down
You're empty enough
To have the void filled with God
Because really it's only Her who can replenish
And heal you,
Without further hurting you

Maybe there's overwhelming evidence that you're not loved
But that's a falsehood,
Trust me, it's not true
Everything on this big blue earth
Is a testament of God's love for you.

Mother, so wonderful and so bright
You are the warm soil beneath my feet
The expansive blue above my reckoning mind

Oh Mother,
How the masses have ravaged you
Trying to change you into something mechanical,
Something more controllable

Mother, have they lost their heart,
Where is their soul?
Take me far from this polluted humanity
I just want to be able to hear the secrets
that ride on the whispers of the wind again

Mother, you are constantly caressing me
With your abundant life surrounding me
Your warm air kisses me,
Little waves play with my toes
Butterflies are always greeting me
I feel complete in my soul

Maybe I'm a self made mystic
In awe of the beauty surrounding me
But I am also struck down by pain,
The collective pain of humanity

Oh Mother,
teach us how to get back to our roots
We don't have to suffer in the ways we do
Teach us how to be simple and true,
Mother,
Just like you.

Soft and sweet,
Vibrant, complete
Feel the heat of the August sun,
My knees burnt,
Mind is cooled,
Sweet tea, sipping,
Summer recluse

Walking, talking, having fun
The summer is for everyone
Heat in city streets
Having music carries by humidity,
Back home on a train,
Rain

Goodbye summer, it was fun
I'll miss you
Warm, hot sun.

When you're a child,
Life is in technicolor
But as you grow older
A film of grey gradually wears the color away
Dampening your senses
Until your synapses weaken, burdened by drudgery

You become all mind
Deciphering all of the time
Caged by contemplation,
Causing a slow soul erasure

I want to feel what it's like to be a child again
To be fully present and aware of every felt sensation
But my body is tired,
And with fatigue the mind becomes a narrowed point
Of seeking to meet the most basic of needs:
Work, Sleep, Eat
On an endless rotation,
Leaving no time for child-like play.

My mind is tangled in knots
Why can't I have you?

To own another
Outside of myself
Make you love me
The way I want you to

But is it truly a lover I want?
Or a fantasy to be fulfilled
An aching desire
To be celebrated, to be put on a pedestal

Selfish ambition
Is what I have
And manipulation is your curse
I'm dropping it, I'm dropping you

Why would I dream
That a compelling conversation
Could mean something more
Something beyond the constant boredom

I'm tired
Of waiting for you

This is always how it goes
I'm smiling
Up for hours
Thinking of you
I'm in love
But I'll deny it
You see the spark in my eyes
Caused by the flame in my heart
Glowing ever so brightly for you
It's like I'm turned up-side down,
On my head
Looking at the world all wrong
And it doesn't make sense
But this love that defies logic still grows strong
It's like a river cutting through rock
With time and persistence
The rock is everything that everyone says is impossible
But love, replenishing and fluid like water
With great currents
Leaves the Impossible on it's knees
Love, my love
Is like a clock,
Spinning
Or a circle
Swirling into itself
My emotions will be sorted eventually
I can't make sense of my feelings logically
I think I love you,
But I'll just have to wait and see.

Slow and steady wins the race, I’ve learned
Yet over the years all I’ve wanted to do
Was burn burn burn
Everything that held me back from my idealized life
But my ideals have changed countless times
I’ve traded in so many aspirations and dreams
That I can’t resolutely claim that what I want right now will still be what I want in the future
I will continue to change
This is all I know for sure

I can see my freedom like a mirage in the distance
I want to run to it and take hold of it
Claim it as my own and never let it go
But I’m still shackled to past trauma and its effects
That led me into circumstances difficult to egress
But I’ll spiral upwards now instead of downwards,
Steadily making my way out of the abyss,
Slowly but surely climbing my way to freedom
And when I reach the crisp air of the blue sky,
One step away from finishing the climb
I’ll thank the stagnant darkness for all of its unexpected gifts,
And everything I learned from it.

You were the first person
in five years
that made me feel less alone

It felt like
You were the first person
After a long time
Who looked into my eyes
And really understood

But maybe I just have too much
That's repressed,
Boiling beneath the surface
Unresolved trauma--  And I'm at it's behest

Maybe my concealment
Pushed you away
To turn around
and go in a new direction
You're stepping forward
Closer
To a feigned future

But little did you know,
Or ever will know
As you move in the opposite direction of me
I had and still have
A spring of love for you,
Though dwindling
It still flows

Even now,
Though the prospect
of us being more
Than just friends
Doesn't seem to be there
I know you still care
Under every moment our eyes meet
I see the love in your eyes
And it brings me so much peace
I only wish the best for you,
In whatever direction you choose.

The leaves are changing color,
They’re falling to the ground
Everything is dying,
Without a whisper, without a sound
And I’m here crying
Cause the world as I know it is burning
And there’s no saving it

I look out from my attic window
At the world below
These people are unaffected, I would suppose
They cannot feel it, they cannot see
That the world I’ve known is coming to an end
And in its demise it’s taken my false security

It’s all burning in wild flames now,
My little, perfectly constructed world

I have no other choice now but to take an unknown path
Cause what’s behind me is gone
And I won’t look back,
I’ll use these ashes as soil
To plant my broken heart in
So it can mend,
So it can grow past all it’s current limitations
Cause I’ve learned this before--
Worlds inevitably get torn apart
But if you’d just make it through the wreckage
You’d find new life beyond all the death,
You’d find the green meadow beyond the smoldering aftermath.

Sometimes I ask myself,
What am I doing?
I wake up unintentionally at 4 in the morning
And I finally feel truly alone
It feels so nice to be alone
But that’s when the appraisal of my life starts
All this feeling of— this doesn’t belong
Remember when I used to have that feeling all the time?
All those years of I don’t belong here?
And yet I stayed in those places that felt confining
Until there was no other choice but to leave
And when that time came
Like a blessing from heaven
Grief was welcomed,
In it’s transitory glory
The slowness, the stillness, the savoring
Of saying goodbye
The opening, the excitement, the jubilation
Of starting over again, of being freed from my bonds

Now I feel it happening again
I’m resisting it, like I always do
But life, she’s kinda funny
Sometimes she takes away my ability to choose and makes them for me
Because she knows I like to sleep in
She says ‘rest for now, but I shall wake you up again soon’
And the soon is coming, I can feel it
Like I can feel the coming of change in season
I love summer, I don’t want it to go
But fall is in the air, there’s no turning back
And winter is well on her way
The anticipation of change is swirling through the air
I’m trying to make plans
But I know life will have her way
She knows better than me
She knows I’m scared but also knows I can take it
All she wants to do is expand me
And for that, I’m grateful.

You know,
Love isn't like
The romance sold to us
In the movies
True love must be deeper
Have a firm foundation and
Deep roots
That no troubles can touch
True love sees beauty
Where everyone else sees ugly
It sees the person hidden behind the many masks we don
It loves the little vulnerable infant living inside us
Love is just so beautiful to pass up,
So let's not get caught up
In the fairy tale
And open ourselves
To the beauty and ugliness of love..
Loyal love, sweet love, heroic love, quiet love, subtle love, shout-your-love-from-rooftops love, self sacrificing love, understanding love, wise love, patient love
And this
Dear ones
Is the love you deserve.

I'm laughing
Twirling through the fog
of this dispassionate love
I can no longer play the game
I set myself free
to run as far as I need

Ah, my mind has been clinging
To what?
Fictions of love
But love isn't the way we were taught
Love is self realization,
burning your former self
whispering sweet goodbyes
to the innocence of your childhood

Adulthood is the grave of childhood dreams
Yet I've reawakened something in me
This is why I dance upon the breeze
Embracing the colors of the wind
Imbuing everything with meaning.

Sometimes depression overcomes me and I wonder if anything has meaning
But then I remember
Life is abundantly beautiful
and it means everything.

Let it just be simple
The simple beauty of living
May I embrace
the simple pleasures
that beckon me

May I surrender
the heavy burdens
Of bitterness and trivialities
May I seek cautiously,
For my truest bliss
lies in the contentment
of the here and now--
my steady breathe
sustaining me

I always sought something more
walking through city streets
With a demolished heart
My mind was dark
and so was the world
There was very little love
I ever enjoyed

And though nothing has really changed
There is still
too much hatred in this world
And too much suffering
I've rediscovered the simple things,
I guess you could call it
Simply living

I no longer strive unnecessarily
I only open my heart
to a divine plan
that is embedded within me
For if you look closely
You'll see
the how everything is designed,
So meticulously

Like the branches of a tree
Growing outward
in fractal patterns
Or a rainbow
That follows a storm
Their is some sort of
Ethereal choreography to it all
And I just want to dance with it too
Dance with
this divine essence
tugging at me

Sometimes it's hard to believe
But even if I'm wrong,
I don't care
Because living this way
Keeps my heart open
to love
Both tenderly and fiercely
Love is life itself
Creation making love to creation

I've experienced
the darkness of a life
Outside of God's love
But what I didn't know
Was that I could never escape that
which is divine
It was merely an illusion
That lead me on a path to dying

Now,
I don't know what my future holds
I don't have it in the palm
of my hand like
I'd like to think
I'm not in control of it
Like a master manipulator
I've tried those ways
But they just don't work
Why push and strive
When instead I can have
peace and joyful life?

It's okay to surrender,
It's okay to let go
It's okay to not know
Just play and be free
Hey kid, take it easy
You've got a heart for a reason,
Don't trash it
I know it's been broken before
But there's no need to ration love
Love is in abundant supply
It can never run dry
And though some don't know
how to treat you right
Just set proper boundaries,
But never stop loving...
Trust me.

I’ve let fear hold me back for so many years

Allowing it to cloud my perception of what could be,

Blinding me to all the possibilities awaiting me

To open up to a life beyond what I’ve always known—

A heavy fog

•

But what if the sky could clear up; open?

What if I opened?

What if I let myself

Explore beyond who I’ve always believed myself to be

What if I could love more fully

What if I could be happy

What if I allowed life to pour through me

And I didn’t try to stop it

Bottle it up or control it

What if I just let myself live,

Relinquished my fear of existing

And found security within the safe harbor of my own heart?

•

What if I said yes,

Not to a flawless life

But to a beautiful life?

•

(Inspired by and dedicated to Ram Dass. May he rest in peace.)

I don't believe in love the way I used to
I use to dream of far off fairy tale kingdoms
Where valiant princes rescue damsels in distress
But I've grown a lot, I've evolved
I like being strong for myself,
Having my own interests
And being liked for me and not just my appearance
I don't feel like I need love in a romantic sense
I feel like all my needs for love are met
By way of a diverse gang of interesting people
My patience is being cultivated
As I dive deeper into these intimate heart connections
That initially feel scary
But are so rewarding in the long run
Maybe I'm just training for the most soul-shattering
Love relationship in my life
But the dynamic of this relationship won't be the knight in shining armor, damsel in distress paradigm
But two whole people entering into a union of love
Shaped by boundaries
And molded by mutual respect
So, no
I no longer believe that anyone can "save" me in the form of a romantic relationship
I saved myself, with the support of my community
But ultimately,
I did the work, but my community allowed me to put my work into practice.

Cascading blue,
swelling into the open spaces
My mind is a muse
A flame, untainted

I dream of you,
You're like the morning fog
So tangible
But you escape my grasp

Kiss me, like sunflowers dying
Don't abandon
What's already forsaken
So stay here, awaken

"**** feelings" I mutter
'Cause it's hard to fathom
Why a woman like me
Would have these imaginings.

Fuchsia, Magenta, Yellow
Running down
Making strands of color
On my face
I'm laughing
Cheerfulness in multitudes makes me appear
A fool
But I've never been one
To be cool

I'm weird
I must admit
I could never be in the cool crowd
I belonged to the under dogs
The eccentrics
The outcasts
I didn't want to fit in

Because I want to let my freak flag fly
I want to don all the colors sprawled out
like a kaleidoscope of endless colors
I want to love in my ****** up, peculiar way
I want to run in the rain
Run so far away
But allow the sun to soak and dry every tear I've cried
I need my fellow weirdos
To join me
I never fit in
And I don't need to
I just wanna be me
I want to love, love, love!
Endlessly

Hallowed eyes,
Blue marble skies,
Amber pond in the sun,
Dark embers of a fire
Looking, searching
The landscape

Rugged hands,
Mountains with sharp rocks pointing to the sky
Callouses resembling caverns
In which I rest

It’s reassuring
To stay
Caught in this web of vines
It’s reassuring
Caught, searching,
Feeling my way through
Dancing in the water.

wrap your hands,
grab it and hold tight
lavender silk
enveloping all of you
--sigh

release
lavender silk
drop into
the clouds

dreams
of iridescent skies
fantasize
with open eyes

float along
on the divine river
it will take you
where you need to be.

These times of solitude are for growth,
Hours of writing, listening to music, reading, creating
Sometimes it can get lonesome and I'll feel bored
But I also sense deeply that this time is pivotal
to my development into the person I'm called to be in this world
It's a gestation period,
Where I'm being carried in the safety of God's womb
Until I'm mature enough
To embody and walk out
Everything I am learning.

Boy, how I've dreamt of you
Waited like a damsel distress
For you to rescue my worn out soul
I ache for your succulent lips
To revive me with your sweet honey kiss
For your porcelain fingertips to graze my bare skin hungry for love
For you to look into my eyes
Past my facade of calculated charm
To see my beautifully wounded self trying to break through to you
Hold me, you fool
Let me unravel in your arms
I'm tired, my dear
Let me rest in your embrace.

Revolving doors
Spinning round
Only getting back to where I started,
Always

Love is what some may call a strange drug,
But this definition of love
Is not what I will be writing about
What if love is life itself,
Transient,
But like air filling our lungs,
Slowly, deliberately,
A spark of life caught within me

My mind isn't much good
When it comes to figuring life out,
I kept trying on different denominations
of Christianity
But that was like
Me being attracted to a certain type of man,
Though they all had their differences,
Their core was the same
I tried to force myself
To connect to the core,
But I just can't....
It's not for me,
Not for who I truly am

We think we know people, but we never really do
Yet we shouldn't feel lonely
Over this realization
Connection isn't hindered by a lack of merging
It's actually kind of fantastic,
To know
That what is considered to be you,
This person with this name,
this identity
With these memories and experiences
Can't be replicated,
That our essence
Is as brilliantly unique
As a snowflake or
Our fingerprints

I used to steal money for drugs
I was hungry for love
There was just too much I had gone through,
And not enough help available to me
I reached out my hands seeking help,
I did
But people,
People with their problems,
Their trivial lives,
Caught in the web
Of never enough
Always seeking more to
add to their plastic kingdom
People who write half-assed posts on Facebook
About changing the world
After they sustain some social tragedy,
But never really do
Help others,
ever

I realized this
When I was suffering,
Almost dying,
Some help,
I can't deny that
But most turn away
Eyes full of scorn
Shaming you for suffering in the first place

I don't know what to do about this world anymore,
Because I still find myself
Sobbing alone
Having emotions from my past,
Rise in me, suddenly
Like violent waves
Giving me no other option
But to ride them
And I think to myself,
As the remembered emotions
Settle down
And I can breathe again
"I lived through that,
And I'm still here."

Now,
though I've learned to touch beauty within myself,
Cultivate it like a garden,
Almost creating beauty out of thin air
I still yearn to touch beauty in the real world,
And I know there is plenty of beauty
Woven into the earth,
Like in the trees, and my bare feet on grass,
Butterflies and my crazy *** dog yanking my arm,
Always reminding me to keep moving forward
But I want to touch beauty in people again,
But people are so wounded
And I'm so wounded
And armored
and scared
To touch the core of love again
Because you touch it
And it enraptures you,
Until it doesn't
And you're left all alone again,
Sitting within the desolation of your mind
Silence drumming against all the doors of your mind
Like an unwelcome visitor.
There are too many lonely people.
I am one of them.

I can blame myself for my loneliness,
Say that I isolated myself,
That I had the propensity to
Because shame was a demon
that had possessed me almost entirely
But that's not completely true
I did put myself out there,
Knocking on doors like a vagrant,
Begging for just one person to let me in to
the interior of their heart
And hold my mangled heart too
But I found so many closed doors,
And when someone did open their door,
We would fall into the familiar dance
Of the family dynamics we were raised in
I always felt short-changed,
used, not seen or heard or loved
So I hid.
Isolation is living in an abandoned car
On the side of a road that no one every drives down
In the frigid winter

I want to write a happy ending to this poem,
But right now everything is bittersweet,
And so that's better than before
When isolation ruled my life
Yet my desire
for real, honest connection
Warms me
And is like a compass
Deep within me
Showing me in which direction I must go
To find again
The roaring fire of Love.
I long to be warmed by.

i'm tired,
can't you see,
the misery painted within the whites between my eye sockets
laughing through clenched teeth,
i bite my tongue
breathe, breathe, breathe
release my pent up angst
up to the moon,
salvation is coming,
soon