Yellow buds sprouting anew,
Spring is here,
Comes ere year
The blossoms herald hope
Revival, birth, growth
Like a vine growing taller
I will sing my sad song
Until it becomes a song of beauty
Until all the dead leaves of fall
wash away
I'll let the gushing winds
carry me
I'll make a little raft,
and find a river
I'll set off into the unknown,
where no one else dares to go
I'll open my heart wide enough to see,
Every possibility
I'll cancel all the naysayers and negativity
I won't be subscribing to
hopelessness any longer
I feel the call of my wild heart
booming deep within me
I'm ready to start my journey,
This is my new beginning.

On the surface we have chaos,
Protective parts of us at war
Because sometimes we trigger each other’s wounds
And we become angry at each other for making us experience old, unhealed pain

But our true selves will always be connected
I think we’re starting to see
That no matter how many old wounds get unveiled by the other
And how sometimes the unveiling of these wounds make us stand at the cord that connects our hearts, threatening to cut it with rusty scissors
We will always stay connected,
We will always be old friends
And once we turn inward and heal our wounds
We’ll begin to feel grateful for each other triggering our wounds
For with every triggering of a wound,
We can swoop in and love the unmet need from childhood inside ourselves
And thank each other for being guides in showing us where the pain lies within us

May we be thankful for this gift of love
The gift of each other
Being the guides to our healing.

Fleur, so bright
You light up my night
You are the bold yellow moon
On an August night
In the dark navy sky
Littered with endless stars

I can see it in my mind's eye
You and me floating along
Poppy fields
Dancing down trails
Jubilation will be our infinite song

Sweet, tender cherry lips
From which I do wish to sip
Watch tenderly my soul
You grasp my hand
And my heart takes hold
Of all of you

Unleash all possibility
Music streaming down alleys of former desolation
Your sweet love raises my vibration
Cathart your whole heart to me

Place your hand over my heart,
And repeat after me:
*This heart loves you
With all of my being

Within the moment
Of a shared smile:
Squinched eyes
A heart connection

In that moment
I see
Everything I need to know.

Before we figure out how to be tenderly strong
we must first decipher what it means to be tenderly strong

To be tenderly strong
means to be soft and vulnerable,
playful like a child,
with a wide open heart
that jumps at every opportunity to share love

But that just covers the tenderness
We mustn't abandon our strength,
Our will to advocate for human rights
The New Thought movement has taught people
That there is no other,
That all evil is based in shame
And all aspects of life that are incongruent with peace
Are merely illusion
They say everything is love,
Even the act of ****** (I actually read that in a new thought book)
But calling evil things good
Only make us complacent delusional idiots
High on feel good endorphins
While we turn a blind eye to people's suffering

To be tender and to be strong
Seems almost at war with each other
But now I am seeing that you need to be tender first to be strong,
And you must be strong to protect your own tenderness
Your tenderness is your wide open heart that loves the whole world and everything in it,
Your strength puts that love into action
Your tenderness is wholly compassionate and can hold deep space for other's suffering and for your own,
Your strength knows how to measure out and deliver that compassion
Your tenderness is the friendly kid-like kindness that you want to gleefully share with everyone,
Your strength is the loving parent that sets healthy boundaries with the outside world, allowing the inner-child to play in security

You need both tenderness and strength
In relating to the world
you can't be too saccharine or people will walk all over you,
and you mustn't be too strong or people will never be able to know you intimately.

I have existed within the womb
for four years now
I needed to
Before I had escaped back into the womb
I had experienced the harshest realities
Splitting me open
As if I were a frog being dissected
By a cold scientist named Life

I cried in that womb,
Most times I wanted to leave
Before I was ready,
Before I was fully developed
Before I was equipped to face
Both the harsh realities and
The splendid beauties
Of an earthly existence

I was a rose bud,
Tightly wound,
Not ready to open
Coaxing myself to open,
To be ready
Never did the trick

Only linear time
Got me to where I needed to be

These things take time

But patience was never a strength of mine
Yet,
Now I'm beginning to understand
The river of Life
And how it flows,
And how I simply must allow it
To go

And with every passing groove I grow
Incrementally,
And then all at once

The baby makes its way through the birth canal,
The flower blooms

My heart awakens
And now I'm ready
To follow her.

We were meant to be shooting stars
Hurtling through space
We were created for big things,
For grand purposes,
And to share love

But age has a way
Of turning our hopeful hearts
Into cold and calculating cynics
With so many walls up,
We make it so hard
for people to love us

We protect our hearts
With a maze of thorny vines
And then we cry
Wondering why
Nobody truly loves
the soft and delicate infant
Hiding behind our eyes

You've got to go out on a limb,
Find the last bits of courage in your soul
And with that courage
You need to be fiercely authentic
On purpose
Within every moment

You must love so much
That you become love
Love yourself,
Love others,
And love God
Trade in your walls for boundaries
Don't allow people
Who don't know how to love
Hurt you

This process will take more time than you
Understand now
But just think of it like this:
You can't rush a pregnancy,
You can't rush a caterpillar's metamorphosis into a butterfly,
You can't rush an acorn to grow into an oak tree
You have to wait
For your soul to grow
Give it what it most needs through
This period of gestation,
The nutrients of the Soul:
Love,
Understanding,
Hope,
Joy,
Peace,
And whatever else
Your Soul calls for

Then one day,
You'll be walking down a busy sidewalk
And you'll catch a glimpse of yourself
In a storefront window
You'll do a double take
And notice that you couldn't recognize yourself
Initially because
Your face is softer now,
Kinder,
Happy

This journey
Of becoming
Who you were meant to be
Will continue on
For your entire lifetime
It's really more like
You are re-becoming
The person you were born into this world as:
Innocent, pure, and loving

God has a blueprint for each of our lives
But what happens to most of us
Is that this world
Causes us to become disconnected
To ourselves
And we lose ourselves
In trivial pursuits and ego desires
But you can find your way back home
To your heart
And rediscover
Who you were truly meant to be.

Eight years ago today
We hung out for the first time

We cut school-- tenth grade
We walked up the hill into the village

We got big slices of pizza
Then went to the bookstore

You were quiet, I was unsure of what to say but still talked
I said you were a good listener

You walked me home
We hugged and you said: "I'm gonna miss you"

I walked inside
I felt so happy.

I walk the splintered sidewalks,
The smell of sewage permeates the air
People stare straight ahead with faces like hawks
So many people, but it still feels like nobody cares

I feel the heartbeat of the street below me
I feel it as I lose my equilibrium
Trains rumble beneath my feet
Everything is buzzing around me as I experience delirium

A tear wells up in my eye
For the city will perplex and overwhelm
I seek a place to run and hide
To try to get control of my inner-helm

This city must have a heart somewhere,
Because I can feel it beating
Sometimes I think behind every face that seems not to care
Is a broken heart that is bleeding.

It's melancholy, you know
Crying until dawn
Your mind seeks for answers
Everything is just wrong,
But your heart whispers hold on

I'm tired, you know
Of keeping up this act
Of smiling when I want to cry
Of being everyone's heroine
But when it's my turn to fall apart
All those I have rescued
Are nowhere to be found

My heart
Is becoming
Like a forest
Dense and thick with pines
The deeper I go
The more lost I become

I scream HELP ME
But I'm in a dream
And no one can hear me
No one can see me.

The leaves are changing color,
They’re falling to the ground
Everything is dying,
Without a whisper, without a sound
And I’m here crying
Cause the world as I know it is burning
And there’s no saving it

I look out from my attic window
At the world below
These people are unaffected, I would suppose
They cannot feel it, they cannot see
That the world I’ve known is coming to an end
And in its demise it’s taken my false security

It’s all burning in wild flames now,
My little, perfectly constructed world

I have no other choice now but to take an unknown path
Cause what’s behind me is gone
And I won’t look back,
I’ll use these ashes as soil
To plant my broken heart in
So it can mend,
So it can grow past all it’s current limitations
Cause I’ve learned this before--
Worlds inevitably get torn apart
But if you’d just make it through the wreckage
You’d find new life beyond all the death,
You’d find the green meadow beyond the smoldering aftermath.

Slow and steady wins the race, I’ve learned
Yet over the years all I’ve wanted to do
Was burn burn burn
Everything that held me back from my idealized life
But my ideals have changed countless times
I’ve traded in so many aspirations and dreams
That I can’t resolutely claim that what I want right now will still be what I want in the future
I will continue to change
This is all I know for sure

I can see my freedom like a mirage in the distance
I want to run to it and take hold of it
Claim it as my own and never let it go
But I’m still shackled to past trauma and its effects
That led me into circumstances difficult to egress
But I’ll spiral upwards now instead of downwards,
Steadily making my way out of the abyss,
Slowly but surely climbing my way to freedom
And when I reach the crisp air of the blue sky,
One step away from finishing the climb
I’ll thank the stagnant darkness for all of its unexpected gifts,
And everything I learned from it.

You're sad,
You're lonely
There are people all around
But they are draining
Only when your cat, your dog or even your fish
Keep you company
Is when you finally feel understood,
Comforted,
Finally at peace
Your dog rolls up into a ball
And lays his head on your lap,
Your cat
Comes purring
Wrapping her tail around your legs
Your fish
Follows the tip of your finger
Tracing out a heart on the fishbowl

These pets we have
Take such good care of us,
Of our hearts
It's funny,
People have forgotten how to take care of their fellow human's hearts
But our pets, so loyal
Are always by our side,
Offering up their love
Free of cost and conditions.

They said all I am is a dreamer,
And that's all I'll ever be
Didn't you see
How much I had loved you?
But you overlooked me,
And now you're mad,
That I overlook you

Am I supposed to make myself blind,
To your every red flag within my sight?
You know I love your eyes
But did you ever realize
That maybe
All I needed
Was for you to work up the nerve to tell me?
I'm not like the other girls,
I need this to be real,
I refuse to settle for
Subpar love
I need something beyond feelings

Because I never sit still,
And I won't stay long
If the heart connection isn't strong
Maybe you see me as weak,
A woman overflowing with a spectrum of emotion,
But I don't attach easily,
I give my devotion rarely,
But when I finally do,
You can expect all of me

So what do you want?
Should we persist in sending ambiguous messages?
Kissing screens
Only dreaming of love,
Or will you grab my hand,
And sweep me off my feet?

Little light
Streaming through my window
Into my dark room
How I truly treasure you

Little light
Guide me in this eternal night
I can no longer fight
I completely surrender this plight

I live in unease
So please,
God, I call out to You
Set me free from this darkness that consumes me

No,
I say
Nah, it couldn't be
Yeah, my insecurities are wrecking me
Keeping me safe,
Or so I thought
Yeah,
The most uncertain aspect of my life
Includes you

But tonight
I'll make a calculated jump,
Anyway,
I've been making a lot of leaps lately
Trusting that something will catch me

Cause I know I'll have to take some risks,
To get to where I want to be.

Good or bad,
Everything falls apart
Everything is within the cycle of life—
Being born, growing and dying
There are many rebirths, new growths and mini deaths experienced throughout each persons life

That’s all I can really expect from this life:
That things will change

It will feel like most things have stayed the same
Like this sharp pain in my brain
But really, though the script has stayed relatively the same
The characters have aged,
Their hearts are frayed
My mind is slightly disarrayed

All I can do
Is swallow my pain whole
And surrender it to the great poet in the sky
Maybe she could rewrite the ending
Before I truly die.

I woke up early this morning
to find thorny vines
wrapped around me
The thorns pierced deeply
into my flesh
I howled,
My broken flesh bled
I lay tangled in a heap,
helpless on my bed

I finally wriggled myself free
I ran up to my mirror
to see
bruises and open wounds
All over my body
I fell to the ground and cried,
Because I saw myself
as ugly and broken
Who could ever love
Someone as hideous as me?

I cleared my bed of the thorny vines
And curled up into a ball on my white sheets
I left the world far behind
as I drifted off into
a silent world
of sleep.

My body bears the scars,
but it's my heart that bleeds.

You get me high,
I chase the magic dragon of your love
My mouth is foaming,
Heart aflutter,
My mind is on cloud nine,
Convincing me there has never been another
Quite like you
And I'm peeking into the abyss
I'm trying to comprehend this,
Comprehend love,
This fire that has overtaken me,
Pummeling my being
I am in the fire,
I am only seeing,
You in everything
I am your prisoner,
You've taken my mind captive
All I can wonder is what has happened?
I'm singing with the birds,
I can't wash this smile off my face,
I just can't tell quite yet,
But I want to grab you and never let go,
But my instinct tells me:
*Take it slow

I’ve spent years stuck in limbo
Wanting to move forward,
Break through to the other side
Claim my vitality
But I was scared
Not scared— terrified
To leave my old ways
Those old ways that held me in a protective container
Shielding me from the senseless pain of living

It’s not that I didn’t have courage before
I’ve tried so many ways to heal,
But maybe those ways were inauthentic
Leading me to seek salvation by external means,
In an array of distractions
But nothing could fill me
The way I am filled
When I choose to open to life
Without a guarded veil skewing my perception
When I choose to love myself
In both my pain and my glory

Why do I feel like this times different?
I’m not sure
Maybe I’m just being truer to myself this time
Following the flow of my healing
Easing into it
Letting it just be, and receiving it
All the support and love
Is like a buoy that keeps me afloat
Maybe this time is different
Because this time I’m convinced
That I deserve better
Than what I’ve settled for all my life
I’m ready to take responsibility for my life
And change.

I don't believe in love the way I used to
I use to dream of far off fairy tale kingdoms
Where valiant princes rescue damsels in distress
But I've grown a lot, I've evolved
I like being strong for myself,
Having my own interests
And being liked for me and not just my appearance
I don't feel like I need love in a romantic sense
I feel like all my needs for love are met
By way of a diverse gang of interesting people
My patience is being cultivated
As I dive deeper into these intimate heart connections
That initially feel scary
But are so rewarding in the long run
Maybe I'm just training for the most soul-shattering
Love relationship in my life
But the dynamic of this relationship won't be the knight in shining armor, damsel in distress paradigm
But two whole people entering into a union of love
Shaped by boundaries
And molded by mutual respect
So, no
I no longer believe that anyone can "save" me in the form of a romantic relationship
I saved myself, with the support of my community
But ultimately,
I did the work, but my community allowed me to put my work into practice.

My mind is tangled in knots
Why can't I have you?

To own another
Outside of myself
Make you love me
The way I want you to

But is it truly a lover I want?
Or a fantasy to be fulfilled
An aching desire
To be celebrated, to be put on a pedestal

Selfish ambition
Is what I have
And manipulation is your curse
I'm dropping it, I'm dropping you

Why would I dream
That a compelling conversation
Could mean something more
Something beyond the constant boredom

I'm tired
Of waiting for you

These times of solitude are for growth,
Hours of writing, listening to music, reading, creating
Sometimes it can get lonesome and I'll feel bored
But I also sense deeply that this time is pivotal
to my development into the person I'm called to be in this world
It's a gestation period,
Where I'm being carried in the safety of God's womb
Until I'm mature enough
To embody and walk out
Everything I am learning.

I remember when I was a child—
A happy time
A feeling of joy present inside
But life’s rendered me numb
******* me dry of all the fun
Of letting go and loving someone

We’re stiff, starched, confused
Perfection never made a muse
Maybe our hearts are shut down from past abuse
I just want our love to be set loose,
Free
Like how we were before
Cushioned within a romantic dream

But why must reality be so harsh
And have us crashing down
When we see our lover's glaring imperfections
And the fear of potential heartbreak causes us to close our hearts

Memories of pain skew what’s possible
I want real, deep love
Enthralled and enraptured
Enveloped in the blinding light
Of a childhood happiness lost
And needing to be reclaimed.

Hallowed eyes,
Blue marble skies,
Amber pond in the sun,
Dark embers of a fire
Looking, searching
The landscape

Rugged hands,
Mountains with sharp rocks pointing to the sky
Callouses resembling caverns
In which I rest

It’s reassuring
To stay
Caught in this web of vines
It’s reassuring
Caught, searching,
Feeling my way through
Dancing in the water.

Mist lingers on my lips,
All the words I meant to say
Pent up under the deep rot of rage
My body quivers,
Mind shivers
With incoherent messages
Trying to comprehend
But left only guessing
At this game of life

Come on now,
Sitting stiffly in the car
Come on now brain,
You mustn't be mad
Force force force yourself to be glad
Go swallow the pill of austere reality
It's cold, it's bleak, and it's ******* with my mentality

Because I like magical notions
I dream too often of the ocean
I think of all the places I'll never be
I dream about my destiny
I am weak
Yet I am strong
I am as haywire as a jazz song
My sould sinks deep
My spirit shoots up higher

Mist lingers on my lips
My fingertips
Are as cold as ice
My eyes are averted,
How could I ever look what I want
In the eye
And ask for it?

Joy is pouring into me
Like a foreign liquid
Filling in the cavernous parts of my mind—
Synapses habituated by negativity
Are being transformed by fruitful possibility

Like light overcoming darkness,
The sun shines brightly
Yellow dream
Illuminating everything
Enveloped, but so free
I feel the darkness clearing
And my self blossoming within me.

Soft and sweet,
Vibrant, complete
Feel the heat of the August sun,
My knees burnt,
Mind is cooled,
Sweet tea, sipping,
Summer recluse

Walking, talking, having fun
The summer is for everyone
Heat in city streets
Having music carries by humidity,
Back home on a train,
Rain

Goodbye summer, it was fun
I'll miss you
Warm, hot sun.

When you're a child,
Life is in technicolor
But as you grow older
A film of grey gradually wears the color away
Dampening your senses
Until your synapses weaken, burdened by drudgery

You become all mind
Deciphering all of the time
Caged by contemplation,
Causing a slow soul erasure

I want to feel what it's like to be a child again
To be fully present and aware of every felt sensation
But my body is tired,
And with fatigue the mind becomes a narrowed point
Of seeking to meet the most basic of needs:
Work, Sleep, Eat
On an endless rotation,
Leaving no time for child-like play.

Let it just be simple
The simple beauty of living
May I embrace
the simple pleasures
that beckon me

May I surrender
the heavy burdens
Of bitterness and trivialities
May I seek cautiously,
For my truest bliss
lies in the contentment
of the here and now--
my steady breathe
sustaining me

I always sought something more
walking through city streets
With a demolished heart
My mind was dark
and so was the world
There was very little love
I ever enjoyed

And though nothing has really changed
There is still
too much hatred in this world
And too much suffering
I've rediscovered the simple things,
I guess you could call it
Simply living

I no longer strive unnecessarily
I only open my heart
to a divine plan
that is embedded within me
For if you look closely
You'll see
the how everything is designed,
So meticulously

Like the branches of a tree
Growing outward
in fractal patterns
Or a rainbow
That follows a storm
Their is some sort of
Ethereal choreography to it all
And I just want to dance with it too
Dance with
this divine essence
tugging at me

Sometimes it's hard to believe
But even if I'm wrong,
I don't care
Because living this way
Keeps my heart open
to love
Both tenderly and fiercely
Love is life itself
Creation making love to creation

I've experienced
the darkness of a life
Outside of God's love
But what I didn't know
Was that I could never escape that
which is divine
It was merely an illusion
That lead me on a path to dying

Now,
I don't know what my future holds
I don't have it in the palm
of my hand like
I'd like to think
I'm not in control of it
Like a master manipulator
I've tried those ways
But they just don't work
Why push and strive
When instead I can have
peace and joyful life?

It's okay to surrender,
It's okay to let go
It's okay to not know
Just play and be free
Hey kid, take it easy
You've got a heart for a reason,
Don't trash it
I know it's been broken before
But there's no need to ration love
Love is in abundant supply
It can never run dry
And though some don't know
how to treat you right
Just set proper boundaries,
But never stop loving...
Trust me.

Time passes
Dreams slowly die
I looked into your open eyes
And spoke strange things

Time passes
And dreams go away
Nothing ever happens
The status quo remains

I might go insane
Everything is monotonous
Every single day
Come, take my pain away

I don't care how good or bad you are
I'll pack up all my life into a suitcase
And jump into your car,
Just one request: Drive far

Can't you see?
I can't take the pointless drudgery
Stuck in between
Wanting to stay and wanting to leave.

It's quiet
Slow like molasses
I hear the children in the background
and the church bells ringing
I love but I still hurt,
this low hollow ache of undigested agony
I covered it with a smile
but it still overcomes me
I am like an ocean
Typically calm and serene
with little bursts of waves
touching people's feet
But storms come unexpectedly
a turbulence that I don't think I can withstand
I am like a light house
standing strong
on the rocky ground
As violent waves crash over me
It's quiet now
But the waves ache deep within
I'm wary of awakening them
And waking my self up to my unease
I just don't want to think anymore
Because I'm scared of crashing down
Just need to listen now
and try to love
despite my wounds.

Cascading blue,
swelling into the open spaces
My mind is a muse
A flame, untainted

I dream of you,
You're like the morning fog
So tangible
But you escape my grasp

Kiss me, like sunflowers dying
Don't abandon
What's already forsaken
So stay here, awaken

"**** feelings" I mutter
'Cause it's hard to fathom
Why a woman like me
Would have these imaginings.

Pine trees tower above my head
Green needles, crisp scent
Snowflakes ride on sharp winds
The cold air fills my lungs
My exhale escapes me in a vaporous puff

The sky is a gentle turquoise
Peppered with wooly clouds
I could get lost in that sky
If only I could climb those towering pines
To reach beyond, pierce through the sky

But I’m bound to this ground,
This redolent earth
Full of life and growth, decay and death
Though I often anxiously seek for answers to questions of transcendence
For now I’ll be content with the simplicity of this earthly life,
Revel in the spontaneous and unexpected, even if I don’t always comprehend it.

I awake everyday,
Wishing this day won't turn out the same,
As every day before today,
Cold and grey
Empty and full of dismay
I coddle myself,
Telling myself everything will be okay,
But I feed into my pain,
I do the same things everyday
That make me go insane
And then I wonder why,
I'm miserable,
As I wipe tears from my eyes
I think of all the ways I will change oneday,
And I harp on some ****** up memories,
Some may call depression a disease,
But I call it a failure to maintain internal peace,

Sometimes I remember being a child,
When I was happy
How do I beat the odds,
Of this thing that threatens to consume me?

Fuchsia, Magenta, Yellow
Running down
Making strands of color
On my face
I'm laughing
Cheerfulness in multitudes makes me appear
A fool
But I've never been one
To be cool

I'm weird
I must admit
I could never be in the cool crowd
I belonged to the under dogs
The eccentrics
The outcasts
I didn't want to fit in

Because I want to let my freak flag fly
I want to don all the colors sprawled out
like a kaleidoscope of endless colors
I want to love in my ****** up, peculiar way
I want to run in the rain
Run so far away
But allow the sun to soak and dry every tear I've cried
I need my fellow weirdos
To join me
I never fit in
And I don't need to
I just wanna be me
I want to love, love, love!
Endlessly

You know,
Love isn't like
The romance sold to us
In the movies
True love must be deeper
Have a firm foundation and
Deep roots
That no troubles can touch
True love sees beauty
Where everyone else sees ugly
It sees the person hidden behind the many masks we don
It loves the little vulnerable infant living inside us
Love is just so beautiful to pass up,
So let's not get caught up
In the fairy tale
And open ourselves
To the beauty and ugliness of love..
Loyal love, sweet love, heroic love, quiet love, subtle love, shout-your-love-from-rooftops love, self sacrificing love, understanding love, wise love, patient love
And this
Dear ones
Is the love you deserve.

How can you say you care about people,
When you can't even care for a person?

Mother, so wonderful and so bright
You are the warm soil beneath my feet
The expansive blue above my reckoning mind

Oh Mother,
How the masses have ravaged you
Trying to change you into something mechanical,
Something more controllable

Mother, have they lost their heart,
Where is their soul?
Take me far from this polluted humanity
I just want to be able to hear the secrets
that ride on the whispers of the wind again

Mother, you are constantly caressing me
With your abundant life surrounding me
Your warm air kisses me,
Little waves play with my toes
Butterflies are always greeting me
I feel complete in my soul

Maybe I'm a self made mystic
In awe of the beauty surrounding me
But I am also struck down by pain,
The collective pain of humanity

Oh Mother,
teach us how to get back to our roots
We don't have to suffer in the ways we do
Teach us how to be simple and true,
Mother,
Just like you.

Look at me
Don't turn away
Look into my eyes boy
And don't let yours stray
My eyes will tell you everything,
But I know that's not okay

I understand
That sometimes people make decisions
Without a clear plan
And so things get jumbled
And things become unclear
Like you're not sure where you're going
You don't know who to love
But it's all okay for now,
I guess
Life is just a wave
For us to ride

And yet I still yearn
For our eyes to meet
The way they once did
Last year
But you turned your face away
You disappeared
I'll never truly understand
Why you did

I know you want to look
But now you only glance
You can't reconcile your desires with your shoulds,
You can't abandon your social expectations
For a dream come true.

I'm laughing
Twirling through the fog
of this dispassionate love
I can no longer play the game
I set myself free
to run as far as I need

Ah, my mind has been clinging
To what?
Fictions of love
But love isn't the way we were taught
Love is self realization,
burning your former self
whispering sweet goodbyes
to the innocence of your childhood

Adulthood is the grave of childhood dreams
Yet I've reawakened something in me
This is why I dance upon the breeze
Embracing the colors of the wind
Imbuing everything with meaning.

Sometimes depression overcomes me and I wonder if anything has meaning
But then I remember
Life is abundantly beautiful
and it means everything.

Hope is a good thing, you see
Hope is a good thing when life’s got you down on your knees
Sometimes it feels like nothing ever goes your way
You’re sequestered away in your prison cell,
Your own skull-encased hell
The one you created by clinging to your fear and misery
Fear that when a good thing comes along it might leave
But didn’t you know
The gate of your cell was never locked
You could’ve left whenever you wanted
So now, go
You’re free to roam
That cell was never your home
Though you grew accustomed to it
You are free
From your suffering
If you choose to be
It may take half a mile through that last stretch of darkness to feel free
But don’t lose sight in that tunnel
When you’re out
Feeling the unrestricted ground beneath your polished, free man’s shoes
You’ll experience the electric joy of freedom
Coursing through your hope deficient body
And then you’ll know
All that hanging on to fanciful hope through the years of despair
Was a good thing.

You are ******* alive,
Look into my eyes,
Brother
Open your mouth to scream
I see blood on your knees
Get up from that ground, boy
You have a life to live,
And it's all yours
Why do you blame everything on fate?
In this life, there is never a "too late"
Oneday, you will awake
And just like me,
You will see
All the time you wasted on the mediocrity,
All that time wasted on fitting in
But brother,
Trust me
The worst thing you can do is give in

You are ******* alive,
Breathe that polluted air through your nostrils
Cling to decaying ways
Pick love up in your arms in the morning
And feel all the pain of this world
Everything is dead or dying
But here you are, right now
Upon this barren earth,
Crying
Sighing as if it were your last breathe
But must I remind you,
That you are alive?
Look out at the sunrise
Feel your beating pulse
Dance in endless wildflowers
Rid yourself of all that is false.

I’m here in my cozy home
With my silly dog who makes me laugh
Waiting for the world to go back to normal
But who am I kidding?
I haven’t taken this seriously
This is a pandemic
The world doesn’t simply go back to normal after this
There is no set end date to this
People are dying,
The world is slowing down,
The skies are clearing of pollution
We have to stop
Stop everything
None of it has been working
Stay in,
And turn inward
Reassess
And right our wrongs
The way we have wronged this earth, ourselves, others
Reconsider
The way our go getter culture has been maladaptive to us,
To those we care for, to our life
Reconnect
To ourselves, to old friends over video chat, to the simple things
Take notice
Of what’s important
Cut out what’s not
Return to our heart
Remember how precarious life can be
So out of our control
All we can do is simply be grateful for it all
Be grateful for the people and things we cherish
Let these things impact us so deeply that our love for them resounds within us
Relish the simple pleasures
Grow in the peaceful, ever expanding silence of spiritual surrender
Let go
Let go
Let go
Forgive others
And forgive ourselves
Life’s too short to keep holding onto grudges
They didn’t mean to hurt you
It’s okay to let go now
The world will never return to normal
But the normal we were adhering to before wasn’t quite working anymore
So relinquish the old normal
To build the new
A life of being centered, connected, and living from love
Stay in,
And recreate the person you want to be in this novel world coming into form.

I wait and wait
But my longing doesn’t abate
It’s been three months of heart opening bliss
But when the heart opens, we’re more likely to armor up when triggered, like a closed fist
But do I regret opening up?
Not at all
For opening up
Has awaken me to the power of my heart

There’s no doubt in my mind that I love him
He says I always make everything about me
And he’s tired of catering
I guess I’m insecure, when I feel uncertain I just need more
More reassurance, more care

But he has his flaws too
He’s insecure as well
He wounds me with his words
And when he’s angry he’s a different man
But it’s not those things I see in him
I see his kindness too
I knows he loves me
He’s just tired,
So am I
Our insecurities and fears
Block the flow of our love
And wear us down

So here I wait
My heart is wide open
But ******, right now it hurts
I let myself fall hard
And now I have severely cut up knees that will turn into ugly scars
But I don’t regret it
Whatever the outcome will be
I know I will make it through this grief
With my wide open heart,
No matter what, the final outcome will be
Healing.