I bathe myself in hope,
Pastel bubbles run down my skin
And enter in through my crevices

This hope reaches through to my darkness
This darkness like a split off part of myself
Head down, body contracted, heart wounded
My hope reaches my darkness
And offers it healing,
And my darkness gradually, cautiously
Blossoms to the buoyant light of hope.

Where does my inspiration come from?
My broken heart...
There are cracks in my heart
Made by deep sadness
That’s where the inspiration slips through
A melody emanating from my heart
Is released through the cracks

It’s bittersweet, it always will be
Sometimes the melody is pure, unaltered joy
Other times it’s agonzing sadness
But no matter what song spills through the cracks of my heart
If I allow it,
It makes me become more human

If I resist the song,
Because I don’t want to experience it
Then I close myself of
From the beautiful symphony of life.

I’ve spent years stuck in limbo
Wanting to move forward,
Break through to the other side
Claim my vitality
But I was scared
Not scared— terrified
To leave my old ways
Those old ways that held me in a protective container
Shielding me from the senseless pain of living

It’s not that I didn’t have courage before
I’ve tried so many ways to heal,
But maybe those ways were inauthentic
Leading me to seek salvation by external means,
In an array of distractions
But nothing could fill me
The way I am filled
When I choose to open to life
Without a guarded veil skewing my perception
When I choose to love myself
In both my pain and my glory

Why do I feel like this times different?
I’m not sure
Maybe I’m just being truer to myself this time
Following the flow of my healing
Easing into it
Letting it just be, and receiving it
All the support and love
Is like a buoy that keeps me afloat
Maybe this time is different
Because this time I’m convinced
That I deserve better
Than what I’ve settled for all my life
I’m ready to take responsibility for my life
And change.

The waves, they roll
Onto the shore
I walk, step by step
Keeping with the rhythm of my heart

The ocean swirls and sputters,
Playing with my toes
Translucent teal water,
Reflecting the hue of my soul

I walk into the ocean,
My white dress floats above my body,
I continue to walk,
Further, into the cold water

The sun is setting,
A red heart shining in the sky,
I reach to touch Her,
If only I could fly

I let the tide carry me out
As I float upon the water,
Carry me out to sea
Dissolve all my borders.

I like things that are bad for me
I just have to be honest

I'm not saying it's okay
To be attracted to the chaos

But it feels like a magnet pulling me,
Constantly

A life of addictions
Always has me questioning my sanity

I want to have hope
For a day when I won't feel this way

When I will be able
To articulate my truth clearly

Saying yes to love resolutely,
And no to hatred-- without exceptions.

Sometimes, do you feel like you spiral?
Like your sadness is a whirlpool ******* you in?
I know,
Because I feel that,
Often

But then I remind myself
That I have more control than I think
I have so very much to be grateful for,
And it's on these things I must dwell

Some days, when my mood is low
I just have to be gentle with myself
and go with the flow
It's difficult
Because I'm used to pushing myself
to feel happy all the time
But maybe I'm getting tired of the act,
Maybe I'm making peace
With not being okay.

Stand still child
While the waves crash over you
They threaten to throw you down
And crush the breath out of you

Persist child
Though the salt water like stinging tears scalds your eyes
And now you can barely see
Past this life of disguise

Hold on child
As this world you've come to know and love
disintegrates
You have but one anchor,
And it is not from this realm

Don't lose your hope child
Even while it seems your efforts aren't producing results
Even while the whole world continues on in it's riotous hate
Please don't lose your love, let only love lead you

Child, I know it can be difficult to love most times and most days
Especially in a world so rampant with hate
But I need you to be strong, I need you to be wise
I need you to realize
This time you have on earth is merely temporary
But I have you here for a reason,
For a divine mission

See, people have so easily forgotten their origins
They have become distracted by toys and lust,
Things of no value that in time turn to dust
And even our flesh will perish and we will return to the ground
But our soul continues, this mission never ends

Everyone has been called to this mission to love,
This mission to radically love
It's not a mission of passivity
And telling people what they want to hear
Coddling them and protecting them from all their fears
Life wasn't meant to be lived in a padded cell of safety
Life is meant to be lived vigorously, bravely
But people have deeply forgotten this call,
And they need saving

Just embody love,
this full spectrum emotion
Let it tear your life a part
Give it all you've got
Completely surrender your heart
To this force that will incinerate all your false notions
And all the measly lies you cling to
All the ego protections
And bragging rights you base your identity on
Once you let Love enter fully through the door of your heart
There is no returning back to who you once were
Love will shatter you
As if you were concrete
So all the wildflowers
Could come through again

So child,
I know you may feel small and scared and incompetent
To say yes to this mission I am calling you to
But really everything about you is sacred
And it's this truth I want you to wake up to.

This mind of mine is comprised of horrors
I smile all the time but all my dreams are nightmares
I live in constant fear,
Paranoid glances over my shoulder,
Impending doom always seems to be on the rise
Like tidal waves threatening to consume my small reality
I feel numb, so ******* numb
And everyone I know is empty too
Pretending to be okay,
Too scared to love, too scared to live
Everything is just so intense
I'm tired of persisting in this way, but I don't change
I see promise on the precipice,
Yes, right on the edge of this cliff,
What if I jumped?
Would I fly?
If I jumped, would it stop these tears that I cry?
If only, if only they had compassion,
If only I felt love
If only just one person would look into my eyes
With love and understanding,
I think it would soften the blow
Of my harsh reality.

Take my hands and give them power
Let supernatural gifts
flow through both my mouth and fingertips
Enrapture me with your love
May it radiate through my being
Transcending beyond my earthly cares
To penetrate the veil of this existence
So all present can witness
A reality beyond the mediocrity
of humdrum living

I've mulled over countless explanations in my mind
Trying to understand
The anatomy of healing
But spiritual perception has a tendency to bleed
through the confines of controlled analysis
It can be difficult to quell nagging doubts
When the subject matter is so elusive

But I want it
I want to operate in the supernatural
I intensely desire the ability
to be in constant communion with the Divine
I want to impact the world for good
with a love that comes only from God
I surrender myself completely
For I find no lasting pleasure in carnal pursuits
I find it only in
communion with God
and when I am ministering healing and liberation
to people weighed down by heavy burdens,
like I once was
It's in the moments when I'm fully surrendered to God
and living within the center of his purpose for me
That my heart feels like it has palpable rays
That are shooting forth
Ever-widening my heart
And encompassing me within a shower of
everlasting love pouring down on me
and the entire universe
But your heart needs to be cracked open
and humbled
before you can experience this ever pervasive and
present shower of love
Your spiritual sensitivities
must be awakened once again
and attuned to see
God.

Joy is pouring into me
Like a foreign liquid
Filling in the cavernous parts of my mind—
Synapses habituated by negativity
Are being transformed by fruitful possibility

Like light overcoming darkness,
The sun shines brightly
Yellow dream
Illuminating everything
Enveloped, but so free
I feel the darkness clearing
And my self blossoming within me.

Ah, the sky is so grand
Absolutely riveting,
Expansive blue
dancing with the viridescent hills below
I breathe it all in
And hold my breathe
I forget to exhale
And fall
Downward laughing wildly
Into an infinite spiral
Like Alice falling down the rabbit hole

People think your imagination is in your mind
But really it's in your heart
It's all your secret yearnings
tucked quietly away
Until your head hits your pillow
And the images of your dreams come alive

My dreams
Are made of iridescent spheres of pure love
Crystalline energy
Rising through this body made of
Earth and Stars
Love is beckoning me
To open up to my limitless dreams
And drop the pretenses, the learned act
The conformed suffering, the days of slack
I feel God itself beckoning me
To open to this tsunami of love
Let it wreck me, wide open
So love can forever flow through me.

The red sun sets on the horizon
Making the trees on the hilltops shadowy figures outlined in gold

The flowers sing their final song for the day
They’ll shut their petals
Until tomorrow
When the new light of dawn will rise again

Then the promise will be fulfilled
Once again
As it is every new day
With its every promise
Rising and setting,
Rising and setting.

Everyday of my life
Is a practice in rising and setting,
Making the small daily adjustments
That are in alignment with
Fulfilling the ultimate promise.
It’s in fulfilling the little promises
That the ultimate promise can come to pass.

I want to paint pictures with my lips
Run to the surface
Break through to the precipice
Of belief,
On an orb
Rotating

And my head is rotating too
It's like my mind is a carousel
Spinning round and round
My universe
Is turning inside out
All I can hear is screams,
Is there anyone out there
Who can feel me?

Grappling with unreality
It's funny to laugh about
Things I did as a teen
But really,
What does it mean?
To move in motions
That don't exist anymore
Why am I exploring a past,
That was only once mine,
And what the hell is time?

What's ancient is in the dirt,
And really,
There's no such thing as poetry
Or therapy
Or reason
Just endless dances with the seasons
Just trying to make sense
Of the endless hurting
Just cracking through your hardened skin
To breathe again

Oh, if I could paint pictures to make them understand--
Make an installation of my mind
Then maybe I'd be understood
Maybe I'd know myself too
But for now
Life is chaos inside me.

Lungs gasp
Air is all around but it’s not filtering through
Lungs filling with fluid
Drowning on the inside.

Hello? Hello? Hello?
Words make less sense
When I'm standing by the door
Emerging through the galaxy
Being birthed
Cramping my way through the
Birth canal
Screaming,
Breathing for the first time,
Breathing for the first time.

Please please please.

I remember when I was a child—
A happy time
A feeling of joy present inside
But life’s rendered me numb
******* me dry of all the fun
Of letting go and loving someone

We’re stiff, starched, confused
Perfection never made a muse
Maybe our hearts are shut down from past abuse
I just want our love to be set loose,
Free
Like how we were before
Cushioned within a romantic dream

But why must reality be so harsh
And have us crashing down
When we see our lover's glaring imperfections
And the fear of potential heartbreak causes us to close our hearts

Memories of pain skew what’s possible
I want real, deep love
Enthralled and enraptured
Enveloped in the blinding light
Of a childhood happiness lost
And needing to be reclaimed.

The sea is a gentle giant
its waves gently tumble over my luminescent skin
sand granules seep through my body's crevices
and sediment temporarily,
wet and caked

The sea feels like
the inside of my mind
Vast and endless
Curious, present
But wandering beyond
To the farthest distance
my eyes can see

But there is something deeper to the sea
subconscious like shadows
and boundless,
without a bottom
where ghouls and demons
throughout the years
have inhabited this foreign place,
deep down inside of me

Where the sun meets the surface
of the rolling waves
That's where the life exists
Yet you only know the sea
By what you see
Though that is not all
there is to it

The deeper you go,
the darker it gets
Life dwindles
only to the monstrous
Stripped down of any
aesthetic beauty
No one ever wants to confront this

For confronting this
Could cost you the illusion
of the life you thought you had.

“Wake up” I repeated to myself through tears
Wake up to the truth ringing in your ears
Look with your eyes,
You’ll see
Everything that is just is
So let it be
Stop trying to force it when you can be free

The pain in your heart is sore, I know
But trust me, it’s better to let it go
Who cares if no one understands you
Just don’t let that pain become a story of shame
Release the heavy burden of false identities
Trust me child, you can be free from all this pain

It’s okay if they called you bad
You don’t have to succumb to their words and prove them right
Despite the pain stuck in your heart
I promise you that you are worthy,
You truly are a brilliant star
And I hope you tap into your own expansive light

The truth is, you don’t have to care so much
You don’t have to be in control
Trust me child, there’s freedom in letting go
Who cares what others think of you
Who cares if anyone even truly loves you
Don’t be scared of lack
There’s always an abundance of support,
Even if you feel all alone, I’ve always got your back

I’ll show you how much I love you
That you’ll live from overflow
And maybe that love will pour out and touch others one day,
You never know.

Sand brown walls,
Quiet,
Spacious,
The lights of christmas adornments
Travel through the floor to ceiling windows

I sit in silent wonder,
The children are asleep
I feel my body,
In this vast
Empty expanse

This silence makes me think of things,
It makes me wonder

I open the sliding glass door
To see is darkness weaving its way through towering trees
I look up in awe,
Surrendered reverence
To a world not quite seen
But enveloping the one I know
Through my mind and senses

But I can still feel this other world
Whispering to me
Bestowing me with a desire to explore this greater reality
Almost as if I were a visionary,
Seeking to merge with the Divine
In wholeness,
To experience completion

I closed the door, for now
But I will go back,
I will do more than visit
I want to vibrantly exist there
While still fully human
On this earth,
A human vessel
Carrying the Divine within,
Pouring it generously out
Onto anyone who asks for it.

I got a shimmering glimpse into eternity
It was so bright I could barely see
Compared to the world I know,
Eternity is a dazzling diamond
Shining brilliantly
While earthly existence
Is a dark coal,
Hard like asphalt,
Unyielding and cruel.

I want to hook myself into
a wire of sorts
So I can plug into
the Eternal
Whenever I want,
Which of course,
is always.

Hope is a good thing, you see
Hope is a good thing when life’s got you down on your knees
Sometimes it feels like nothing ever goes your way
You’re sequestered away in your prison cell,
Your own skull-encased hell
The one you created by clinging to your fear and misery
Fear that when a good thing comes along it might leave
But didn’t you know
The gate of your cell was never locked
You could’ve left whenever you wanted
So now, go
You’re free to roam
That cell was never your home
Though you grew accustomed to it
You are free
From your suffering
If you choose to be
It may take half a mile through that last stretch of darkness to feel free
But don’t lose sight in that tunnel
When you’re out
Feeling the unrestricted ground beneath your polished, free man’s shoes
You’ll experience the electric joy of freedom
Coursing through your hope deficient body
And then you’ll know
All that hanging on to fanciful hope through the years of despair
Was a good thing.

I think there could be a switch
That turns off my mind
I wonder what would happen
If the thoughts stopped, if everything passed through,
If I didn’t hold onto anything

Maybe pure emotion would visit within my body
It could be waves of turmoil or waves of joy
But it goes away
It all goes away
Like waves, hitting the shore
It comes and it goes

And if I didn’t hold on
It’d all just pass through
But see, I have to step beyond
Because my mind is a prison with its endless melancholy song

Don’t you see?
It’s all a phase
You think you know who you are,
But that will always change
You are the one who experiences,
So just flow
Stop being so scared of pain
And of everything, let go.

(So you can be free)

I’m here in my cozy home
With my silly dog who makes me laugh
Waiting for the world to go back to normal
But who am I kidding?
I haven’t taken this seriously
This is a pandemic
The world doesn’t simply go back to normal after this
There is no set end date to this
People are dying,
The world is slowing down,
The skies are clearing of pollution
We have to stop
Stop everything
None of it has been working
Stay in,
And turn inward
Reassess
And right our wrongs
The way we have wronged this earth, ourselves, others
Reconsider
The way our go getter culture has been maladaptive to us,
To those we care for, to our life
Reconnect
To ourselves, to old friends over video chat, to the simple things
Take notice
Of what’s important
Cut out what’s not
Return to our heart
Remember how precarious life can be
So out of our control
All we can do is simply be grateful for it all
Be grateful for the people and things we cherish
Let these things impact us so deeply that our love for them resounds within us
Relish the simple pleasures
Grow in the peaceful, ever expanding silence of spiritual surrender
Let go
Let go
Let go
Forgive others
And forgive ourselves
Life’s too short to keep holding onto grudges
They didn’t mean to hurt you
It’s okay to let go now
The world will never return to normal
But the normal we were adhering to before wasn’t quite working anymore
So relinquish the old normal
To build the new
A life of being centered, connected, and living from love
Stay in,
And recreate the person you want to be in this novel world coming into form.

I don’t know anything
That’s all I can think
I don’t know anything
I don’t know how to feel
This sadness turns into numbness
So that I can’t feel

I do care
There’s no doubt
I care so much
It wears me out
And I try to explain
Explain
Explain
But my explaining doesn’t erase the pain
And it makes me feel dumb
And listless
Repeating the same old stories
Trying to find myself out of the maze

How do I make it clear?
How do you make a person hear you
When their pain skews their perception
Making you into a devil with malicious intentions
And what am I supposed to do
With these shattered dreams
Just let the darkness of this reality
Wash through me
I tried to make it right
Again and again
But maybe I’m just not fit
For loving free from fear

I tried to work it out
But he just won’t hear me
His resentment grows out of control
And its thorny vines consume me
I really care about the guy underneath all the pain
But does he care about me the same way?
I have lots of pain
And he can’t stand it
I understand
I never meant to put it all on him to handle it

Everything just feels so unclear
But I trust I’ll be okay
Knowing that I will always make it through the disarray
I can break free
From fear and confusion
And live a life lead by my heart
Love, love, love
That’s a good place to start.

Roses bloom under
A late summer moon glowing
I must understand.

I pass you everyday,
But you're cooped up and away
in your world of wonders
Strumming your guitar
That lady of polished wood who loves you exactly as you are

I'm dreaming of the day
I'll see you again
Will it flow naturally like our initial interaction
Or will it be stunted and masked-- calculated

You wondered if this was all a pointless game
But here I am,
Wrapped up in this trivial pursuit
What am I chasing after
When I don't truly know you?

But I do, I want to get to know you
But not in some starry eyed kind of way
I just want to get to know you,
Soul to Soul,
Fully exposed

Cause I feel like I haven't been loved well for a long time,
And that's because I haven't been willing to reveal myself,
But even sometimes when I do,
People shun my realness...
But not you

But now I feel disconnected from you,
So very far away
I'm trying to touch you through a screen
I see your beautiful face and I scream
with mounting desire and anticipation
But I halt myself,
and deter myself from opening up

Caged by secrets
I don't intend to tell
But if I would just open my mouth
to dispel my truth
I would be set free from my hell...
There is no other way to this.

I wait and wait
But my longing doesn’t abate
It’s been three months of heart opening bliss
But when the heart opens, we’re more likely to armor up when triggered, like a closed fist
But do I regret opening up?
Not at all
For opening up
Has awaken me to the power of my heart

There’s no doubt in my mind that I love him
He says I always make everything about me
And he’s tired of catering
I guess I’m insecure, when I feel uncertain I just need more
More reassurance, more care

But he has his flaws too
He’s insecure as well
He wounds me with his words
And when he’s angry he’s a different man
But it’s not those things I see in him
I see his kindness too
I knows he loves me
He’s just tired,
So am I
Our insecurities and fears
Block the flow of our love
And wear us down

So here I wait
My heart is wide open
But ******, right now it hurts
I let myself fall hard
And now I have severely cut up knees that will turn into ugly scars
But I don’t regret it
Whatever the outcome will be
I know I will make it through this grief
With my wide open heart,
No matter what, the final outcome will be
Healing.

It was sad you know,
But maybe do you think it had to go?

Who knows,
Maybe things would’ve been different
If we hadn’t taken all those missteps, and made all those mistakes
I think we just didn’t truly know each other
Before it was too late

Neither of us really trusted,
It was always a debate
Of ‘do you really love me?’
And ‘is this real or is this fake?’

Because didn’t we both say in the beginning it felt too good to be true
Hearts wide open
Overflowing with love anew
This gift seemed to fall into our laps— after years of hoping

Maybe our fears of it being an illusion made it so
Or maybe we’re two messed up people who ******* it up,
Maybe we’ll never know
I’m just not ready to give it up

But I told him to go
I showed my fangs and roared my fiercest roar
And then, silence
I didn’t hear from him no more

I can’t tell you where’s he’s gone
Just disconnected from me
I understand I went wrong,
But so did he.

I had this sick feeling in my stomach
This pit in my chest
It was telling me to go
I felt an overwhelming sense of unrest

It felt like my life was beginning
It felt like my life was ending
It feels like I’m dying
In the slippery waters of the womb,
Being born anew

It feels like a blossom cracking open
The hot sun on my bare chest
I can’t quite understand
But it feels like my bleeding heart is visible under my *******

My heart was restless,
My mind, amuck
I couldn’t understand the push and pull within me
I was out of luck

I didn’t have words,
Just a smile of plaster
It’s easy to say goodbye
It’s hard to say hello— won’t you come into my heart?

Pine trees tower above my head
Green needles, crisp scent
Snowflakes ride on sharp winds
The cold air fills my lungs
My exhale escapes me in a vaporous puff

The sky is a gentle turquoise
Peppered with wooly clouds
I could get lost in that sky
If only I could climb those towering pines
To reach beyond, pierce through the sky

But I’m bound to this ground,
This redolent earth
Full of life and growth, decay and death
Though I often anxiously seek for answers to questions of transcendence
For now I’ll be content with the simplicity of this earthly life,
Revel in the spontaneous and unexpected, even if I don’t always comprehend it.

It’s funny
I locked away my heart for years
Only to fall again
Let someone too close
But maybe it all happened too quickly
I showed him everything about me
My deepest flaws and my highest joys
And he used it all against me

It’s funny
This is exactly what I feared
This is why I locked away my heart for years
I feared if I ever let anyone too close
They’d not only hurt me
But use the things I entrusted them with against me

It’s funny
Now all I can do is imbibe alcoholic beverages
To dull the pain of a love that proved untrue
I thought maybe he could love me
But now I know that all along,
I’ve just been a senseless fool.

What did you mean
I wasn't acting right?
What did you mean when you uttered those
senseless words into the night?
And I could foretell it all,
But was that because I've common sense?
That when people are passive aggressive and
always treat you with subtle indifference
Things will ultimately implode?
You can only put on the act for so long,
Eventually the performance comes to a close
And you bow to the applauding audience
Regretting the fact that you must return home
to the truth that awaits you there,
that a life of playing it safe and avoiding risk
leaves you small and wanting

But I've found my voice again
It hasn't crept in stealthily,
but is booming through me
Moving through me
And though sometimes it scares me
Because it has the power to shatter worlds
That were never mine
I feel so in love with my voice I wish I never lost
I am so in love with the freedom it is granting me
I am screaming: "I've been set free!"

But the truth is wild and untamed
It hurts as it shoots through my body
Shedding the heavy burdens I've carried past
their expiration dates
This shedding is like the shedding of snake skin
Breaking forth through those old, confining scales
Breathing finally, once again.
I can breathe! I can breathe!
Oh truly, heaven has set me free

Honesty is killing everything that is inauthentic in me
Dousing in gasoline everything that is not in integrity
with my soul
And with one flick of a match
All the lies burn away
All the relationships in which I could no longer remain
Because being real was the last thing these people wanted from me
So, what is killing me must be slain
So I can be free

Now,
I can touch and taste and see my freedom
I've always been different,
And this time I will not apologize for it
Because guess what,
I'm not sorry
And I don't give a **** if you can't deal with that

Maybe all the world will think I'm crazy
For speaking the truth
Because we're conditioned from infant-hood
to pretend our lives away
But with this I'm not okay
I can only be real
I know no other way
And for those years I've pretended,
Well, I'll never get them back
This is why now I live my life
in full fledged passion
Love set in radical action,
For too long I've been hooked into
people pleasing and being passive

But I can't **** myself to please you.

I’m calling to you
But my voice returns to me as an echo
Reverberating off these empty walls
Am I seen, am I known, am I loved?
My heart is wide open
Beating out of my chest and bleeding out onto the floor
Some might say
“Aren’t you afraid of getting hurt?”
But my fears have been overcome by the irrationality of unconditional love
My mind comes up with stories that cause separation and distrust
But there is an ancient knowing
A warm orange flame
Shrouded by shadows from the past
But still there
And I simply cannot ignore that flame
That knowing that defies all reasoning
To trust what I know deep down despite appearances

There is a storm
And I’m on a boat out at sea
All I can see is darkness
Powerful waves are crashing down on me
My body is crushed by pain
And my mind despairs
But my heart, that hopeful fool
Hangs on
And eventually the storm passes
The sea spits me out onto the shore
Morning arrives
With the sun and it’s promises of warmth
And again I come back to safety
A certainty within me that isn’t affected by what’s happening around me

Sometimes, you just know things
Sometimes, you just feel things
Sometimes you persist
Even when you don’t understand why
You just know you have to
It’s the truest path for you
Even if it defies logic
What I have with him is an extraordinary connection,
I would even dare to say it’s otherworldly
I asked for healing
And I found union
And in this union I’ve found
Freedom, love, light, joy
Feeling completely seen and known by another person
And I’ve found great pain
The resurfacing of old traumas
Fear of separation and our dreams of being together not coming to pass
Sometimes I reach my hand out to him
And he slaps it away
Pushes me away
Me and my wide open heart

Sometimes I just wish I could know the outcome of things
Or why something that could be so good brings up so much pain
We both said in the beginning
“This all feels too good to be true”
Maybe we’re not accepting how good it is
And how good it can become.

What if,
One day
I wake up from this years long slumber
And just go? Just leave?
What if I left everything behind
Disconnected from everyone, from the world
And set out on my own course?

Sometimes, I feel that pull in my heart
There’s so much confinement here,
So much mess
I just want to leave the mess
I don’t want to live up to my predefined roles
I just want to be free

There’s always some nagging thought in my head, and nothing is ever quite right
Or healed or whole
And you don’t understand how hollow that feels
There’s so much pain
And the pain keeps piling on
My heart is a tightly closed rose bud,
I miss the times it was open
When my heart’s open, I can breathe

But when I’m outside, on a trail
Gravel underfoot
The crunch, crunch, crunch quiets the mental chatter
I keep walking, one foot in front of the other
Until the civilized world is far behind me
And I begin to forget
Forgetting— that sweet freedom
I forget the pain.

Maybe if I run away
I’ll forget the pain.

Tell me what I want to hear
Because I can’t stand this pain
Tell me that everything you said in anger was a lie
And that everything between us will stay the same
Tell me to not run away
To just stay put
In this gargantuan pain
Swallowing me up

Tell me that I’m good enough
And that you don’t truly believe the horrible things you’ve said about me
Tell me that you want to hear me
And be there for me
Tell me that you don’t truly want me to leave
Tell me, because I can’t breathe

My body is stiff,
You say you regret opening your heart
And so do I
You say you wish we never met...
Your words feel like cold, steel knives
Right through my vulnerable, unguarded heart

I can’t make you love me
I can’t refute the story you’ve created of me in your mind
I can only sit with this pain
And grieve
And hope next time,
I’ll see
That no matter what people say or do,
I’m worthy

These threads are tied to things
Intangible
I saw a life in front of me
Multi-colored and vibrant
Though in being entranced within this kaleidoscope
My inner world fell silent

These notions
Like heartfelt prayers lifted, open palms to the sky
Are given up with heartfelt devotion
It’s figments
Pieces of plans
Ideas never born
Seeds never sprouted
But it’s honey, so sweet
Appeasing a heart’s intermittent melancholy
To hold onto what may never be
To hold onto hope,
Let this run its course, and we’ll see

Spring is here and the world is coming alive again
Awakening from its stagnant slumber
I have awoken from a bewildering dream
Though, even now, I doubt I am fully awake
Threads from the past are braided into me
As are new threads of the present being woven into me
I’m a living, breathing tapestry
And experiences are always changing me.

My mind is finally clearing
Like rays of sunlight
Breaking through heavy storm clouds
And something rose up in my Spirit,
It said:
"Everything will be alright"
I had a vision of myself
Smiling from cheek to cheek
And I just knew,
Everything would be more than okay
Because today, something has changed
And now I am happy.

Return to darkness, return to that subtle hollow ache
Eating me alive
Where the loneliness grows like unruly vines
Where there is no concept of love,
Just hate
Eating at my insides
And giving way to darkness.

The dark, hopeless, too heavy to carry
Too heavy to carry
My shoulders are bleeding
My heart is bleeding
I’m bleeding
I’m bleeding
Drain me.

I look at the world with a forlorn look,
And it scowls back at me
Screams at me
I’m a victim, a sad little girl curled up in a ball
I just want to go far, far away
I want to leave, I want the chaos to stop
I want to feel loved..
These are wild dreams.

Make my home in the darkness,
It’s not changing.

Can you feel the newness of this new decade?
This new life calling to you?
You’ve been standing on the precipice for awhile now
But now it’s time to jump
Arms wide open, into the unknown
Let it enfold you and unfold you
Sprout forth and open
Your years as a tight bud are behind you
It’s time to emerge from the cradle of safe certainty
And like a stray feather
Glide on the winds of endless, meandering possibilities.

Marble milk
Cold and soft
like silky steel
Dripping off
from this current reality
Howling
to a non-existent moon
A distant heart
Light years from this home on earth
I've made

It's a utopia
My truest disdain
Where the notes of every voice
Slips stealthily into
the realm of the insane

So far away,
so very far

It's near
Who you are
Who I want you to be
Sitting next to me
Only three doors down
But three doors is an eternity
Each door a pocket into
another reality

Let me play with time and space
This life is not a race
But bestowed
on both grateful and ungrateful

You are my Marble Utopia
So stately and so tall
With you I am enthralled
As my mind slips through
the parameters of my skull
I will drink you all in,
Distant, cold man
Of you I will get my fill

You are so beautiful
You are so far from me.

Take notice, look up from your screen
Go outside, step into the natural light
Whether the sky is cloudy or clear and bright
Revel in all the goodness you can see with your eyes

And if you just took notice,
Turned off all your devices
And disconnected from the endless chatter of anxious minds
To simply look into another’s eyes
You’d feel the gift of connection without words
Or what if you saw a bird?
Bright yellow or bold blue?
What if you missed all of it
Because you never paused to look around you?

Sure, there’s a lot of things to be down about
So many of us are conditioned by shame, guilt and anxiety
But what if, for just a moment, we stepped out of that conditioning?
And what if we came to really love no longer being limited?
What if instead we
Loved freedom and beauty and experiencing life through the lens of gratitude?

Don’t hide inside your overthinking mind
That is so scared to experience life
You’re terrified of getting hurt again
But maybe, if you see it all as a gift
When something gets taken away
You can be thankful for all the blessings of that gift,
Even amidst the heart-opening pain of loss

So take notice, and cherish it all
Don’t you understand that life is temporary
All the people and the places and the things will one day change or go away
So please be intentional with your life,
Be intentional with how you treat yourself and others,
And how you spend your time
It’s so precious, all of it
I want you to experience it fully,
The temporary beauty of life
And love so bravely that it cracks open your fragile heart.

Bored
Of all this noise and all these toys and this empty,
Empty void
I'm bored with rules and regulations
Tired of this home and this cold bed
I'm blinded by these white cracked walls that keep me in
I'm tired of this fear that doesn't let anyone in
I'm bored of this television and laptop
I'm tired of being twenty
Even though when I was a teen I was severely depressed
At least I looked forward to a brighter future
Now all I feel is intense anxiety and fear of leaving the nest
Accidents and crime prevail
And I let that hold me back from setting sail.

Bored, within these four walls
And I can barely breathe with ease
Because fear is constantly closing in on me
Sometimes I think all I need
Is arm that I can trust, to protect me from harm
But let's be realistic
There is no one in this world I can trust
Most hearts have hardened and become masochistic
So my own heart has begun to rust.

I see you
I'm getting to know you
This process is
Gentle and patient
Moving along rhythmically
Like the streaming waters of a creek

I look up to the baby blue sky
And it soothes me
Just like our friendship
You're different but
the same
Yet the same merely on a surface level,
But I have an inkling that you
Have deep notions inside of you
That you don't easily unleash to the layman's ear
And you understand and know
More than you possibly could

Blue, like the surface of the ocean
And now I'm diving deep
To get to know you
And understand you better
And see you for the man you truly are
Underneath all the illusions I construct
And the persona you don
To fit in more graciously in our little town's culture
But I can see, when our eyes lock
That you have so much more depth
Than most people know

I'm a deep sea diver
And I'm diving into you
I'm brave, I'm courageous,
Through this process of getting to know you
Mental barriers are being incinerated,
My confidence is strengthening
And my desperate need for validation is withering
I know what I want,
And I will pursue
With the ease of a deep sea diver
With no oxygen tank
I go deeper and deeper,
Risking my heart, laying it bear and vulnerable
Not completely sure if you will handle it with care or
Trample it beyond repair
Pacing myself,
Holding my breathe
Losing consciousness
To reach deeper conclusions
I'm taking this last deep breathe of certainty,
And diving into the Unknown.