This is a prayer
For those down on their knees
Begging a foreign God above
to bring an end to their unease
A prayer for those who turn to various vices
to temporarily lift the constant pain of a tortured life
I just want you to know
God sees your pain,
God sees your strife
But most importantly
Behind all the chaos
God sees you
and He loves you unconditionally

Maybe you don't know what real love is
Maybe your parents were cruel and neglectful
Maybe kids at school bullied you
Maybe you feel as if you have never fit in
No one ever loved you fully
Loved both your lovely aspects and your sins

But I can assure you
There is a God
Who takes an interest in you
Who cares for your every hidden hurt
that you hide away in shame
The world does not know how to love,
this is true
It is spilling over with hate
But see, God
He love you just for you
God always seeks out the goodness in our hearts
It doesn't matter how far gone you feel you are
You are always invited to be a son or daughter of God

Jesus died a brutal death
So that you wouldn't have to be in ******* to
the endless lies of this world
You can be set free by love, truth and peace
I invite you to experience God first hand
the way I have
I can't guarantee that people are going to love you the way you need to be loved,
But I can guarantee that God is a stable foundation
that can't be destroyed
Build your life upon the foundation of God
and revel in the joy that comes with being fully convinced that you are loved by the Creator of the universe.

You don't need anything else in this world but God,
trust me.

I can change
I assure myself
But doubt still dwells in me
Keeping me chained to old ways that are slowly eroding my joy
Fading colors until everything I see is covered in a film of grey
It’s so difficult to push against this
When the resistance comes from within me

But there’s a flickering flame
Igniting the hope that I can change for the better
That I can start caring for myself
Despite my upbringing of neglect
That I no longer have to be against myself
And disregard my needs
But slowly rise
In becoming stronger
By making incremental changes
Until one day, I tear through my chrysalis
To expose my wings.

Scraped knees
Purple jelly beans
Grass so green
On an orb
Spinning through space
I'm looking into the sun
And laughing
About this human race
It's a funny thing
To be a human
Walking this strange and beautiful place
I dream with eyes wide open
And everywhere, I see your face.

It's not too late
To love

I know what dying to self is
It's a metamorphosis
But it's not pretty

It's a dissolution of everything you were
And all you planned to become
Burning in wild flames all your disguises
To get to the heart of who you truly are
And what you need to be

Because this world needs people
Who can welcome change
People who can allow God
To strip them bare
Until you have nothing left to cling to
When you're destitute
That's when you'll be free
From all this vain striving in our society

I once was strong but now I'm weak
I'm tattered, torn a part, barely able to speak
But I feel so real now
Before my mind was a machine
Trying to calculate how I would acquire everything I want and need
But now I have peace
Because I trust,
That whatever may be
I have the strongest ally beside me
Though I don't agree with religious ideas of God
I believe God's unadulterated love
Is always guiding me
Whispering ever so softly,
"Listen to me."
I want others to have this love for themselves
To know they are perfectly loved,
And love has a way of healing things radically
Some would even say miraculously.

Bonfire,
Roasting, toasting
Marshmallows
The smell of a cackling fire
People, too many people
That's I've been trying to hide from,
It reminds me that I'm real,
It reminds me that I'm a human with needs,
It reminds me of how those needs go unattended
I laugh and smile more than anyone,
Yet I am secretly, The saddest

I thought possibly,
Romantic love could cure this soul disease,
But I've come to realize
No one can quite fill the void of
The family that abandoned me,
Like a helpless raft adrift at sea,
I'm about to drown,
And no one can even see me

Society, I can't even describe how much I hate it,
Forcing us to conform and conceal love,
Writing and art are my only escapes,
From this prison of silence,
And of being unknown,
I cry in the quiet of the night,
Because after the day of calculated smiles and perfectly formulated sentences,
I know,
I walk this earth alone.

My wounds come to me as offerings,
Inviting me to journey into my deepest brokenness to excavate the lessons in my wounds and ultimately heal them.

The only constant
Is change..

So embrace it.

Do you want to break away with me?
Break away from this systematic misery,
Enter the void of endless fantasy?

The air is thick,
I am heaving
Yet, still I am believing
for a day when I can breathe with ease,
For an escape
From perpetual heart-break,
And yet, what will I have to release?
Sacrifice my life,
For infinite joy
Surrender idle toys
for everything more

You, Disturbed Boy,
I like you,
I always have, I always will
There's a gravity pulling me to you,
You look up at me,
Towards the sun.
I smile.

They called you Luna back in the day
You peppered the night air
With grace and great joy
You whispered secrets into ears
And danced in the sand
You loved with a full heart
And drifted away when it was your time to go

In life you're always learning,
You're always growing
You're correcting your soul
And trying to excavate your burning desire
You've known sadness
And that's why you fight
To know joy again

You were once called Luna,
But now you're more like the Sun
Like a burning flame
Your flame had once become very low
But you've taught it how to grow
By being true to yourself

This evolution of your soul is a journey
But have hope, darling
Tend to yourself gently
And multiply your love
And you will grow
You will flourish,
You will thrive
And oneday,
You will look into your very own eyes,
And smile your genuine smile
Of your childhood self
Trust me,
You'll see
You'll have become the person you were always meant to be.

So this is how the story goes,
I think I fall in love
But when I seek deeper
There are no roots
Just empty promises that never bloomed

It’s funny because
I always wonder what they think of me
How they feel for me
But when I look in my own heart
I find that I don’t even love them, just like I know they don’t love me

This one thought of himself as a knight in shining armor,
He said he was a romantic
But really he was so cruel,
Giving me what he knew I wanted in the beginning
Only to gain power over me to tear me apart

And I just couldn’t take it, one more day
Of him yelling at me,
Criticizing me,
Telling me to change
And then with his victim story
Of anxiety about the pain he caused me
He’s such a fool,
But so am I
I abandoned myself for his love
That I could never fully grasp no matter how hard I tried.

I love you,
The Risen One
I love you,
You are the fire in my heart
I love you,
You revived me after years of grief
I love you,
You sheltered me through every storm
I love you,
You guide me through this treacherous world

Please never leave me,
Though I often forget you
Please quell my anxieties,
Quiet the violent waves within,
Reassure me that you’re with me
Guide me into your serenity.

Amen.

You can’t always get what you want, they say
Daily grievances can burn a person’s resolve away
As the burdens increase
A person’s will can decrease
Leaving them faint and weary

The masses believe a little positivity can heal any rift
But recklessly imbibing positivity can make it difficult for reality and fantasy to sift
Reality can be draining, there’s no doubt
But you can’t live your life in a cloud.

Let’s just stay here in the darkness,
Under this clear navy blue sky
The stars pulsing with light

I wish I could look into your eyes,
Maybe then you’d see how much I feel for you
But we’re so far
And the fighting has distanced us even more

There isn’t much I know
But I know we have to make this work
Stay under this navy blue sky with me
Quiet our rambling minds, and just breathe together.

I wish I could just look into your eyes
Then you’d be convinced
That we can make this work.

Dear Me,

This path you have decided to take
isn't going to be easy
I know you feel as if
You didn't have a say in choosing this path
But this is exactly what you signed up for
Before you incarnated

But I will be here for you
When your world of illusions
Come crashing to the ground
Again and again
You build and cling to
New worlds of illusions
When your old ones have crumbled
What if you stopped frantically building,
And started trusting
That this process of unbecoming
Is precisely what you need,
What you you came here for

Though your path will be painful,
It will also be full of joy
Moments of beauty you would never experience
If you were burdened by an Ego
steering your life
This is why you must detangle yourself
From all the false notions
You have attached to yourself,
And heal

Because I want you to
Dance in the rain and
Cry in the sun
And be fully present through it all,
Embracing your bittersweet humanity
Opening yourself to being
A beacon of light.

Dear Me,
I love you dearly
Things will change drastically
from this point forward,
But I don't want you to be scared
I'll hold you in my arms
Through it all,
You're braver than you know,
You're heart is going to grow
So big and wide,
But you can no longer hide
You will get to know intimately
The most blissful ecstasy
and the darkest nights
But I will always be here to guide you,
And whisper:
"Everything will be alright,
You will survive through this,
And not just survive but grow
So don't fear losing people and things
Only fear that you would ever deny your call
To Love on this planet earth."

Love,
You

some days are like rain,
   they make your body ache

you feel the pain
   rise through you

you close your eyes
   you remember

open your eyes
   you swiftly forget

it's easier to stuff it all down
   right?

that dull ache in your wrist
   is a forecast of rain

you think, oneday
   you will rise to the day

like the phoenix
   emerging

but a storm rushes in
   and rains on your parade

you open your mouth to speak
   no one understands you, anyway

all you can think of is hiding,
   it's all you can dream of

you ask: this is life?
   you're bewildered

you try not to think,
   because when you think you remember

all those lukewarm friends
   everyone who left

some days are like rain
   they are silent and still

the disassociation takes over
   the emptiness seeps in

the rain gets into your hollow house
   of vain imaginations

i pray that this rain might
   serve as some sort of healing elixir

for my bones need fixing,
   my heart needs healing.

I want to tell you a story about sadness,
Deep, rot your bones depression
Where no happiness like bleach
Could undo the stain of irreversible pain
I took drugs in hopes of escape
I wandered streets,
Alone and hollow
So shaken
I would walk
Unable to see clearly ahead of me
I was an anxious mess
I slept for days
And wept inconsolably
I cut my wrists
As deep as I dared to
I would look into the mirror,
And it seemed that the face that looked back at me
Was a face I barely knew.

But somehow,
By God's grace
I survived that former agony
Without a trace
It has taken some time,
A few years
To heal from the traumas of childhood and adolescence
But within this slow and steady transformation
I have both transcended and become grounded
I have managed to transcend what was formerly sabotaging me,
Yet what I have transcended has made me a realer human being
In touch with my roots
that I had forgotten for so long
I am more compassionate, you see
Finally, once again
Living in divine Love,
Remembering who I really am.

I can guarantee
I am not a perfect human being
I wish that I could always feel this complete,
But I admit
There are still times
Where the un-ease creeps up again in me
And it blinds me from the True Reality
Of an all pervasive Love always caring for me
But I do attest
That I always try my best
To surrender my small human desires
To a power, beyond me,
Oh, higher and higher
I am merely an intermediary
Of earth and sky
A divine human being
Earning her title of Saint
So, now, I must persevere
And wait
And wait
And wait.

Feel the vibrational pull,
The tide pulling you under
and spitting you out
Feel the steam from the whistling kettle,
Rising from within the depths of your being,
Screaming to be set free
Where is the intangible demon that has taken your body hostage?
You awaken to memories of being carefree,
It only makes your reality more haunting
It feeds your longing
For a better life,
One you lost along the way
It wasn't your fault,
Circumstances took it away from you,
You clawed at your joy
But they ripped it away,
And put you in a factory,
The factory of Life
Making you a slave
Until the day you die

But look, I can still see the child hiding deep within your eyes
Did you forget how to cry?
This world is a perplexing place
You have an abundace of questions but no answers,
You search for love in all the wrong places,
And you haven't even learned how to love yourself

I had a vision
And a handful of dreams
There is a life beyond this confusion and division
I must make an incision
To see through this veil of chaos
Learn through the storm, and
Find healing in the process.

What I want to do?
Well, let me tell you
I want to sing with the bees
Taste the maple dripping down the trees
I want to take a thousand pictures
with old Kodak disposable cameras
And make crazy wild art
I want to write straight from my heart
And sing everyday
I want to learn how to play the acoustic guitar
And I want to get better at skateboarding
I want to go whitewater rafting
I want to laugh with friends
I want to travel, oh do I want to travel
This bright wide blue earth

Who do I want to be?
Well, let's see
I want to be kind and gentle
But only when the occasion calls for it
Otherwise
I will be loud but sentimental
Soaking in the vibrancy of life
And loving every moment of it
I want to be the embodiment of love,
but not perfection
I want to be messy, ******* up
and full of foibles
I want to be quirky
and own up to it
I want to be joyful and free
And that's really all there is to me.

to tell you the truth,
I'm a nobody
searching in this world,
all this useless striving
Just trying to be a somebody
even though I've repeated the sinner's prayer many times
I'll never quite be saved from myself
and this is why I'll always stick close to God
Because God loves me like no one else

It's just funny, you see
because the earth is populated with billions of people
but I can't seem to find ones that genuinely love me
we really never learned how to love,
we love useless things instead
commodities that rot
but we don't know how to do what is most important,
and that is living from our heart

but this is why I lean on God,
God, my magnificent creator
and by this I know
I am infinitely loved
And I don't need
human love to confirm this to me.

I walk the splintered sidewalks,
The smell of sewage permeates the air
People stare straight ahead with faces like hawks
So many people, but it still feels like nobody cares

I feel the heartbeat of the street below me
I feel it as I lose my equilibrium
Trains rumble beneath my feet
Everything is buzzing around me as I experience delirium

A tear wells up in my eye
For the city will perplex and overwhelm
I seek a place to run and hide
To try to get control of my inner-helm

This city must have a heart somewhere,
Because I can feel it beating
Sometimes I think behind every face that seems not to care
Is a broken heart that is bleeding.

God is not what we think God is
God can't be found in ancient texts
Or ornate institutions
We don't reach God by following rules
Or keeping up appearances
God is so much more than what we've been taught and told about God
God is perfect love,
And this love is free for all.

Your love is light and bouyant and free,
With you I laugh like a child
And can be completely me
How long has it been since I've loved so passionately?
You're a friend,
And I'll get to know you,
Slowly,
Steadily,
But surely
The more time I'm around you,
The more I fall,
Into this deep love
Rooted in reality
But I'm still dazed
I've waited a thousand days
To have a love so real
Patience has paid off
But their is still more time to pass,
I don't crave to push and pull or grab and claw
All I need is to be able to look into your eyes,
Get lost in those deep blue skies
Where true feelings cannot hide,
Where I can't conceal with pride,
And you see the little child inside
Holding out her beating heart,
For you

So my love,
Take my hand
My heart is a sunset
And I'm asking you to be my man,
Collect my sunset,
Put it in your pocket,
Take a picture of my face and put it in a locket
Let's sit on that hill behind your house
And watch the sky fall dark
And in those moments of dwindling light,
Maybe our camaraderie will ignite a spark.

Eight years ago today
We hung out for the first time

We cut school-- tenth grade
We walked up the hill into the village

We got big slices of pizza
Then went to the bookstore

You were quiet, I was unsure of what to say but still talked
I said you were a good listener

You walked me home
We hugged and you said: "I'm gonna miss you"

I walked inside
I felt so happy.

You know,
It's funny
People would think I would be
Mad or sad
About this
But I'm so very glad
I needed this,
I truly did
I truly truly did
I feel stronger,
Lighter,
Free
I'm growing into everything
I was meant to be.

Sheer red fabric, embroidered with gold
Rested upon her brown skin,
The peaks and valleys of her body
Sharp edges that descend into soft slopes
Dimensions of her,
Like a living, breathing desert

Her heart is a ruby,
Sought after, rare
She is more than her beauty,
Her sturdy body
Her feet are strong roots
Connected to the earth
Even as she dances,
Twirling round and round
Her hair is dark and dense with curls
Her eyes are wide
And hold in them the entirety of the world's suffering

Her lips speak truth
Like honey pouring through them
She is Spirit embodied,
Red and strong and beautiful
Mystic in skin,
Her Soul is a flame rising.

Fleur, so bright
You light up my night
You are the bold yellow moon
On an August night
In the dark navy sky
Littered with endless stars

I can see it in my mind's eye
You and me floating along
Poppy fields
Dancing down trails
Jubilation will be our infinite song

Sweet, tender cherry lips
From which I do wish to sip
Watch tenderly my soul
You grasp my hand
And my heart takes hold
Of all of you

Unleash all possibility
Music streaming down alleys of former desolation
Your sweet love raises my vibration
Cathart your whole heart to me

Place your hand over my heart,
And repeat after me:
*This heart loves you
With all of my being

While I was sleeping
I dreamed of you-- heartache
Of trains going nowhere-- aimlessness
Of my sister-- safety
While I was sleeping
The birds awoke
And sung their lively tune
But when I wake up
I'm never truly awake
I'm always tired, half-awake
Daydreaming of better days.

It's not you against me, can't you see?
It's not blacks against whites,
Men against women,
Refugees against citizens
Religious against non-religious
Conservatives against liberals
Democrats against Republicans....
We're at war with our humanity

Oftentimes I catch myself thinking:
"I hate humans"
I can understand why I feel this way sometimes
Humans can be so cruel
I've been bullied, rejected, abandoned,
slandered, ignored,
left alone to fend for myself
I understand the deep reverberating pain
of our sick society,
I know from experience

I know what it feels like to be "othered,"
to be misunderstood
To be dealing with so much pain and
darkness
and have people shame you
for what you're going through

I've seen and known evil
I've seen it destroy those I love
I've witnessed it eat away slowly
at my own soul
during the times
I was blinded by darkness,
By my own sin
By my own insignificant suffering

And yet, I've been the perpetrator too
Shame overwhelms me
As I recount
When I was tyrannical,
unforgiving,
judgemental,
cruel,
self-righteous,
a gossiper,
a slanderer,
un-loving....
I can be a very idealistic person,
And talk all about
How we all have to love each other more
And REALLY follow Jesus,
like abandon our comfortable lifestyles
for the sake of the gospel,
And yet what am I doing?
When I spew these ideologies,
I'm thinking of how I would benefit if everyone
loved me more,
was there for me more....
I'm telling everyone to become the people
I think I need them to be for me
But what if what I'm telling everyone else to be for me
Is exactly what I have to be for myself?

Confusion is addicting
I devour metaphors and gulp down symbols
Forever attempting to conjure a path that is most fitting
To finally discover the key to that which fulfills

But I turn down wrong roads
Most times I find myself stranded
I have no chosen destination to which I set out to go
So I am as a vagabond haunted by the multitude of roads

I've sought a saviour
But I know I must save myself
A total overhaul of my behavior
Will guarantee the something else (I seek)

I've been running for so long
But now I have no other choice but to collapse
For I am no longer strong
All my youthful energy has been sapped

If only there was a way
I could know for sure
I just don't want to make a big mistake
One from which I could never turn back

But a silent whisper in my heart
Says these words to me
"There has to be a better way"
And for this way I pray.

You're sad,
You're lonely
There are people all around
But they are draining
Only when your cat, your dog or even your fish
Keep you company
Is when you finally feel understood,
Comforted,
Finally at peace
Your dog rolls up into a ball
And lays his head on your lap,
Your cat
Comes purring
Wrapping her tail around your legs
Your fish
Follows the tip of your finger
Tracing out a heart on the fishbowl

These pets we have
Take such good care of us,
Of our hearts
It's funny,
People have forgotten how to take care of their fellow human's hearts
But our pets, so loyal
Are always by our side,
Offering up their love
Free of cost and conditions.

A secret collapsed behind ribs,
Tucked back into the furthest recesses
Sitting, contemplating
Commiserating herself
Her thoughts are finches that encircle her mind
Chirping, chirping
Making her blind

When you're lost in thought
It's hard to see
The world around you, and all of
it's possibility
When you're scared to hurt
You're scared to live
Living in a container
Of premeditated caution

What would it be like
To live a shackles free life?
To taste joy again,
To feel the child you suppressed within
Get to experience life again
Through grateful eyes,
A hungry heart
and a mischievous mind....

There is no need to wallow in regret,
We all have times when we're stagnant
But break down the dam to your heart,
Let the waters flow free!
You were meant for so much more
Than mediocrity.

Sitting quietly
But my mind's on fire
I'm done with being a slave
You don't have to agree with me
I'm stealthily peeling off my chains
Pretending that I'm still okay with the status quo,
That I'm still going along with the flow,
No.
I'm going against the current,
But it's taking everything within me
To break free.
But I refuse to be a slave
To the crumbling systems
Of this society.

your heart is full of lies
you go to your church every Sunday
sing your hymns
and give your tithes
then promptly
complain and gossip after the service

you fail to seek God whom you do not know
and instead bow to your various idols
your life is muddled
you grasp for answers
that are just beyond surrender

I once sought comfort from your company
but my useful habits are only corrupted
the more time I spend at church
I'm seeking the love of Jesus here
but I can't find it in anyone's hearts
no one seems to truly care

some churches preach prosperity,
others brim and firestone
they seek to do good deeds
but with ill intentions
it's merely a choreographed dance,
of rule-following,
of keeping up the appearances
but look beyond the facade and into their hearts
and you will be saddened and surprised
here you are the outsider
in a church founded on lies

and all you really wanted
was to be lovingly embraced
by a Jesus following community
but all you found at church
was religious futility.

I had been feeling disconnected for some time
I didn’t feel whole and I didn’t know why
I was begging for the world’s acceptance
And feeling as if I was always falling short
I just never seemed to be good enough
And my striving for perfection felt like a bloodsport

I always hid away, so chock full of shame
I thought my very existence was a disgrace
And in my hiding I judged the world around me
Everything just felt so frightening
In judging and hiding I felt like I had control over a world that confounds me

I was a tightly closed bud, never letting anything in
Fear ruled and since I couldn’t be the best I hid away all my imperfections
So scared of being criticized and rejected
But I became a shell of a person
Smiling and stiff on the outside
But inside, deeply hurting

But this blossom is starting to bloom
I’m not so scared of being human anymore
Not so scared of being real and imperfect and me—
I choose me and I choose all of me
Because even if others reject me
And deem me unworthy
I know people's opinions are fleeting
They can’t touch my core, my true self
My wellspring of lovability, worthiness, and enoughness
Overflowing with joy and wonder
Liberated from the shackles of old programming that once confined me

I’m breaking free, and it feels so good
I’m open to all the goodness that is coming for me
I’m open and I’m opening
I’m healed and I’m healing
I’m ready
I’m worthy
Right here, right now
I’m growing into the full radiance of me.

Walk my short way home

Open the door

Eat what I can find for dinner

Go on Snapchat,
Instagram,
Facebook

Searching for signals of you

I love you
I think

In this digital age
We're all so far away

I want to touch you
But my hands
aren't able to break through the screen

I'm bored
I'm lonely

Are you bored,
Are you lonely?

I don't trust myself enough
I always find myself
In sticky relationships,
Even with friends

Messed up people,
I always get caught in their web

But I just want to be free
I want someone
who wants to escape in a car with me

Convertible car,
Painted yellow
with rainbows
Driving away from
this wintry landscape
Into the Californian sun

I need someone to smile with me,
Someone with whom I can be crazy
Laughing my time away,
Savoring all life's beauty

I'm growing heavy with longing
I'm ready to break through
this box I've been confined in.

Within the moment
Of a shared smile:
Squinched eyes
A heart connection

In that moment
I see
Everything I need to know.

I wanted you to love me,
That's all I ever pined for through these years
But I still cry most times
When I think of the fact that you failed to love me
I'll never understand why you didn't love me
You claimed to,
But it didn't show in your actions.
You were selfish.
As was I.

But that's life, right?
It keeps cracking your heart open
Until you can't close it anymore
It gets to the point where there are no plausible explanations your mind can come up with anylonger
It gets to the point where
Only your heart can comprehend the world with all of it's suffering
Only your heart can try it's best to patch up the world
With the bits of love that flow through you from God

Keeping an open heart is baffling, really
It just doesn't make sense
It's hella painful
Exceptionally brutal
And exquisitely breathtaking, beautifully astounding
There are no words in any language
That can properly express
Genuine love

But let's keep it like that
Let love remain a mystery
In it's confounding splendor
Leave it to be one of those few things
That academics can't pin down precisely
Let love be what it is in it's truest form:
Magical
Like when you really see nature for the first time,
You know?
You see how really gorgeous it all is,
And how intelligent it is
And in that passing moment of awe
It's easy to entertain the idea of God
But you eventually have to walk back to your cubicle
Where your mind is like a safe container
That computes certainty
But love is magical,
Love is uncertain,
It's powerful

I guess what I'm trying to say is that love is transformative,
You know?
And it's humbling
I mean, I'm not talking about Romeo and Juliet,
I'm not referring to RomComs where a man and a woman fall in love within the span of three days,
C'mon,
Can we all admit that is BS?
Love is not magical like the way it is portrayed in fairytales
Love is magical because it is the very essence of life,
The driving force of life
It's what sustains us,
It's what connects us
It's what changes us
Into brave children of God
Formerly we were
Scarred, angry little children
Throwing darts at perceived enemies
But no one is the enemy here,
That's what love reveals
We're all just lost children
Hiding under the shielded guise of our egos
Until, well until
We throw up our hands in surrender
And say with all our heart,
"I can't do this without you God.
Help me."

It's melancholy, you know
Crying until dawn
Your mind seeks for answers
Everything is just wrong,
But your heart whispers hold on

I'm tired, you know
Of keeping up this act
Of smiling when I want to cry
Of being everyone's heroine
But when it's my turn to fall apart
All those I have rescued
Are nowhere to be found

My heart
Is becoming
Like a forest
Dense and thick with pines
The deeper I go
The more lost I become

I scream HELP ME
But I'm in a dream
And no one can hear me
No one can see me.

Before we figure out how to be tenderly strong
we must first decipher what it means to be tenderly strong

To be tenderly strong
means to be soft and vulnerable,
playful like a child,
with a wide open heart
that jumps at every opportunity to share love

But that just covers the tenderness
We mustn't abandon our strength,
Our will to advocate for human rights
The New Thought movement has taught people
That there is no other,
That all evil is based in shame
And all aspects of life that are incongruent with peace
Are merely illusion
They say everything is love,
Even the act of ****** (I actually read that in a new thought book)
But calling evil things good
Only make us complacent delusional idiots
High on feel good endorphins
While we turn a blind eye to people's suffering

To be tender and to be strong
Seems almost at war with each other
But now I am seeing that you need to be tender first to be strong,
And you must be strong to protect your own tenderness
Your tenderness is your wide open heart that loves the whole world and everything in it,
Your strength puts that love into action
Your tenderness is wholly compassionate and can hold deep space for other's suffering and for your own,
Your strength knows how to measure out and deliver that compassion
Your tenderness is the friendly kid-like kindness that you want to gleefully share with everyone,
Your strength is the loving parent that sets healthy boundaries with the outside world, allowing the inner-child to play in security

You need both tenderness and strength
In relating to the world
you can't be too saccharine or people will walk all over you,
and you mustn't be too strong or people will never be able to know you intimately.

You get me high,
I chase the magic dragon of your love
My mouth is foaming,
Heart aflutter,
My mind is on cloud nine,
Convincing me there has never been another
Quite like you
And I'm peeking into the abyss
I'm trying to comprehend this,
Comprehend love,
This fire that has overtaken me,
Pummeling my being
I am in the fire,
I am only seeing,
You in everything
I am your prisoner,
You've taken my mind captive
All I can wonder is what has happened?
I'm singing with the birds,
I can't wash this smile off my face,
I just can't tell quite yet,
But I want to grab you and never let go,
But my instinct tells me:
*Take it slow

I have existed within the womb
for four years now
I needed to
Before I had escaped back into the womb
I had experienced the harshest realities
Splitting me open
As if I were a frog being dissected
By a cold scientist named Life

I cried in that womb,
Most times I wanted to leave
Before I was ready,
Before I was fully developed
Before I was equipped to face
Both the harsh realities and
The splendid beauties
Of an earthly existence

I was a rose bud,
Tightly wound,
Not ready to open
Coaxing myself to open,
To be ready
Never did the trick

Only linear time
Got me to where I needed to be

These things take time

But patience was never a strength of mine
Yet,
Now I'm beginning to understand
The river of Life
And how it flows,
And how I simply must allow it
To go

And with every passing groove I grow
Incrementally,
And then all at once

The baby makes its way through the birth canal,
The flower blooms

My heart awakens
And now I'm ready
To follow her.

Yellow buds sprouting anew,
Spring is here,
Comes ere year
The blossoms herald hope
Revival, birth, growth
Like a vine growing taller
I will sing my sad song
Until it becomes a song of beauty
Until all the dead leaves of fall
wash away
I'll let the gushing winds
carry me
I'll make a little raft,
and find a river
I'll set off into the unknown,
where no one else dares to go
I'll open my heart wide enough to see,
Every possibility
I'll cancel all the naysayers and negativity
I won't be subscribing to
hopelessness any longer
I feel the call of my wild heart
booming deep within me
I'm ready to start my journey,
This is my new beginning.

We were meant to be shooting stars
Hurtling through space
We were created for big things,
For grand purposes,
And to share love

But age has a way
Of turning our hopeful hearts
Into cold and calculating cynics
With so many walls up,
We make it so hard
for people to love us

We protect our hearts
With a maze of thorny vines
And then we cry
Wondering why
Nobody truly loves
the soft and delicate infant
Hiding behind our eyes

You've got to go out on a limb,
Find the last bits of courage in your soul
And with that courage
You need to be fiercely authentic
On purpose
Within every moment

You must love so much
That you become love
Love yourself,
Love others,
And love God
Trade in your walls for boundaries
Don't allow people
Who don't know how to love
Hurt you

This process will take more time than you
Understand now
But just think of it like this:
You can't rush a pregnancy,
You can't rush a caterpillar's metamorphosis into a butterfly,
You can't rush an acorn to grow into an oak tree
You have to wait
For your soul to grow
Give it what it most needs through
This period of gestation,
The nutrients of the Soul:
Love,
Understanding,
Hope,
Joy,
Peace,
And whatever else
Your Soul calls for

Then one day,
You'll be walking down a busy sidewalk
And you'll catch a glimpse of yourself
In a storefront window
You'll do a double take
And notice that you couldn't recognize yourself
Initially because
Your face is softer now,
Kinder,
Happy

This journey
Of becoming
Who you were meant to be
Will continue on
For your entire lifetime
It's really more like
You are re-becoming
The person you were born into this world as:
Innocent, pure, and loving

God has a blueprint for each of our lives
But what happens to most of us
Is that this world
Causes us to become disconnected
To ourselves
And we lose ourselves
In trivial pursuits and ego desires
But you can find your way back home
To your heart
And rediscover
Who you were truly meant to be.

I see it
In the eyes of the passerby
They are scared
Unaware of the wounds
That control them
I see my shared humanity in their eyes,
Their hunanity like an infant crouched in a ball,
Terrified, shaking,
Hiding in a corner
We seek relief
From this massive worldwide grief
Digging for but not finding empathy
Hiding away all our misery
Because we believe
Our sadness is too big
We wouldn't want it to encroach on other people's happiness
But if we just took a moment to peek beyond the veil
We'd discover a common thread of travail
That strings us all together
So instead of hiding or minimizing our stories
Let's roar our stories out loud,
Unleashing the tamed and timid circus lion of our hearts
So it can progress back to it's original fiery state
Of passion, courage and integrity.

Peace permeates through my body
The ocean swells in my chest
And waves explode onto the shore of my soul
I dove into the great expanse
Into the deepest depths
And found a truth more real than matter

There’s so much walking
But never getting anywhere, it seems
There’s so much time passing
And my skin is showing it’s age
I’ve only got this one body
I’ve only got this one life

It's pretty radical being human
The breath of life swirling through my nostrils
Maybe I’ll burn all my doubts
And all my insecurities
I’ll love myself
And live the life I want to live, fully

This hollow darkness,
My smile is a veil
No one understands me
My soul is growing ill

I'm an island,
Secluded and alone
Every ounce of my being is screaming out
My lips don't make a sound

I deny this darkness
It's too much to bare alone
But I don't know how to dissolve it
I need arms to hold me that are not my own

My burdens are like bricks
That I carry on my back
I grow wearisome
But I can't cut myself slack

I've been lost in the maze of my heart,
I need to be set free
I'm so confused
I need some saving

I don't seek simple solutions,
Pep talks and self help
I need deep down healing--
Wisdom, not wealth

I know God will see me through,
I'll just have to listen
I can't keep losing myself
Betraying myself by the deception of kissing.