Can you feel these words that I keep as secrets
Trying to break forth,
Trying to erupt?
But I suppress,
suppress, suppress
In your eyes I want to undress,
Completely unveiled
Every detail revealed
Of flesh and bone,
Of hearts and home
But no, keep your distance

Only songs can truly understand me at this moment,
Because love isn't supposed to be such a waste a time
All this longing and anticipation,
What am I supposed to do with it?
Offer it up to you,
As a worthless gift?

I just wanted a friend in you
You travel through this world
In an orb of emotional protection,
And me,
I just sit at home
Making things pretty
Decorating my nest

I don't want to keep my distance from you
But you smell of danger
And I just like the rain
I want to run in it,
dance in it
Forget all my pain

Do you understand the burden
I carried in my past life?
This is my new life
And I want to be safe to protect
this tender heart within me
That's already been through so much

Look out into the expansive sky,
Do you see?
You'll see my smile
With warmth
Shining down on you
I don't want to be kept from you,
But I can't help it
If you don't have your **** together

For now I'll keep my distance,
But with things like this, you know what they say:
"Only time will tell."

It feels so real,
His touch, his countenance
The thoughts whirring in my mind,
Profound feelings echoing through my spine
Trying to decipher intentions,
Never understanding because my analyzing mind is relentless
Imbuing meaning where there is none
Writing songs inspired by dreams
But when I awake
I realize, none of it is real

The golden moon hangs against the backdrop of a navy sky
I look up to the stars and whisper endless wishes
I believe in God, but sometimes I wonder if He hears me
Hears the plea of a hungry heart
Seeking God's love to fill this endless void

I sit at my window sill,
And close my eyes
I imagine the sky through my 5 year old self's eyes
Jesus said if we're not like the children, we won't enter the kingdom of heaven
So, now I'm trying my best
To get back to that child like state
I know God can heal all the wounds
That come with growing

Right now my dreams are only real in my sleep,
But soon they will be my reality.

Bluebird singing
In the dawn
Perched upon the highest branch
As the pink sun
Kisses the hills

I wish I were you, Bluebird
You're so pretty and free,
Your feathers are painted
Bold blue
The most magnificent hue

If I were a bird,
I would be you
Wouldn't it be nice to be a bird?
Humans tend to complicate life,
Unnecessarily

If I were you
I would soar high
Or sometimes I would just
Fly swiftly through a field of tall grass
I would
Fly right into the sunset every evening
To the point where it would feel like I was spanning the
Entire globe
Then, I would have to let my bird instincts
Lead me back to my home.

“I suppose I’m just shy”
I think to myself,
As I cave into myself,
Or rather fold into myself.
I look up at them.
Some I am fond of,
Such as the retired nurse,
Laugh lines creased in her face.
Others I am subtly repulsed by,
Vitriol bubbles up in me
As I observe his behavior
That I find unseemly,
Especially since vestigial emotions
Of lust
Are connected to him in my psyche.

I don’t know,
I don’t know how to feel.
That’s a funny way to put it,
Because is there a particular way a person must feel?
I wonder from where our final decisions originate from.
I wonder why I am internally perplexed,
Not satisfied.
I wonder what can help me.
I see people who also suffer
With my sense of discontent and disconnection
But their ways of dealing with it
Don’t seem to heal
Their dissatisfaction.
If anything,
These people who seek therapies
For their woes
Only seem to fall further into the pit
They had found themselves in.
The labels psychologists
So frivolously bestow onto them
Have become a ball and chain
On their identity
Causing them to fall
Down the endless void of their suffering.

I just so vividly perceive a sickness in society,
And it makes me want to jump out of my skin
I don’t know….
Because oft times I find myself
Surrounded by people
Who easily pontificate,
Stepfords who don’t
Show any sign of a spark of Life
People who religiously
Play out their learned roles
From childhood,
Until their last moment on earth,
Never really going off script,
Never really having a desire to.

Now, I feel as if it’s almost unfair
That I had to feel these ways I do,
That I can see the world for what it really is.
But when I say this,
I know in a sense I am wrong,
Because my mind is just one mind
Synthesizing my reality through the
Scope of past experiences .
But why do I have to have this orientation?
Why can’t I just live a simple-minded life,
Like before?
Why must I always be searching for truth,
Searching for the reason why we’re here,
Searching for purpose,
For a deeper meaning behind all this?
Can I just forget?
Can I just forget and go back to a simpler time?

A simpler time
When the real world
Was the only world I was truly concerned about
It’s simple, straight-forward beauties
Nourished my soul enough.
I didn’t have any pressing need to
Explore unknown realms of the esoteric.
The natural world already had so much available to explore
And discover.
I was satisfied.
I was content.

But the anxieties of youth
And the horrific pains
Of childhood abuse
Created within me an incessant need
To improve myself.
First it began with makeup.
I caked layers and layers of makeup
On my acne filled preteen face.
Then I delved into the mind altering world
Of drugs,
With an emphasis on hallucinogens
Which was just another way to escape reality.
Just a mask of concealer that I could hide away under,
As my mind’s fantasies--
Fantasies that I could manipulate at will,
Became more real than reality--
A reality that I had known primarily to be
Cold and unforgiving.
But eventually the drugs took control of me,
And fate made it so
That I had to stop.

Finally, spirituality.
The final frontier, at least for me.
The most compelling of them all.
Absolutely endless and seemingly
Without dangerous side effects (not so)
Just another delusion I bought into, it feels.
But not quite.
There isn’t yet an ending
For this segment of my life.
I’m not sure
If there will be an ending to it.
I’m trying to find a way to actualize it though,
Instead of it being
Just another extension
Of my hopeless orientation to get lost
In daydreams.
I’m attempting to call this new chapter of my life
That I am currently writing,
The “Love in Action” chapter.

Well,
That’s it, I suppose
I don’t know why I make myself do things I don’t want to do,
Which inevitably makes my mind
Disengage
But anyway,
I guess I just want to become “real” in this lifetime,
And heal,
And stop searching so much,
And go back to the innocence,
The carefreeness,
The quiet joy and contentment
Of my childhood.
American culture is such
That EVERYTHING that can be commodified
Will be commodified.
So, I have to cut myself free
From the hypnosis of capitalism,
From the ideologies of the white man
So I can be lighter,
Flow through life with more ease,
Unaffected by this world’s disease.

In your eyes
are carefully kept secrets

I can read your heart
through your eyes

And you see it, don't you?
You see me seeing you

I smile
and mask the many emotions that lie behind my eyes

I see and know everything about you

but you don't know me.

Today is just like any other day
I'm barely awake
The water runs as
I think of everything I don't want to face
I look back all the time
Remembering where I've been and where I've come from
My face is just a lie
My heart is seeking home

My home is my roots
Deep down within me
I'm a soul encased in white flesh
But there's a story to me

I try to behave
Everyday, all I ever do is behave
I remember in middle school
I heard on some women's talk show
That good girls don't make history
I would repeat that to myself as a teen
Now all I repeat is daily drudgery

I have expectations on my shoulders
And I'm surrounded by white people,
But I'm not like them
They claw onto their intellect
As if they know what suffering is
Their hearts are shiny, well polished glass
There is nothing in them
And they easily crack
No substance or meaning
Beyond their roles
White people, white people
With white souls

But I'm from Brooklyn,
does that make a difference to you?
I've known suffering
But not in the way some of my dark-skinned peers have suffered
I was just the white girl to them in school
My skin represented the source of their oppression
Some subconsciously hated me
I felt like a pariah,
I have always felt like a pariah
Clamoring to fit in

The best route to fitting in
I found,
was self deprecating humor
And acts of senseless rebellion
Or just becoming so quiet that no one would notice me
Now that I'm surrounded by white people,
Nothing has changed
They're the type of white people who glorify knowledge
I love to learn
But they are straight up elitist about intelligence and education
But what else can you expect from privileged white people?

My skin in some ways makes me privileged,
But I also am not the type of white
that comes from money
My family is not the type of white that is devoid of trauma
We're not the type of white who are bland, coldly intellectual, and superficial

But this poem isn't about flesh
It's about being ****** an outcast
Forever being misunderstood by a spectrum of people
While I deeply understand every person that crosses my path
No one seems to be able to understand me
And *******, that's lonely.

multi-colored Tibetan prayer flags
whipping in the wind strung out on the veranda
there are no telephone wires that crisscross the sky
only endless open spaces
that mesmerize my open eyes

when I walk my bare feet step down into
green lusciousness
abuzz with spectacularly designed creatures
that are so scared and yet so curious
they move with trepidation
when I am near
they are concerned for their self-preservation
as am I

when the sun sets
the sky lights up
with millions of diamond lanterns
cast out in space
shining down on me
it breaks something open in me
it makes me want to believe
in something called love
though I've been scarred, and stabbed
and abandoned to die
I still wonder,
in this crazy crazy world
if love has still survived.

I run to the shore
I dance on the edge
My emotions are the white flecks
in a snow globe shaken
Aroused and beating
My heart is beating and big
Growing
ever growing
My roots are deep
And now my foliage will show
All that has healed in me
and everything that is yet to heal
Still
I stand still

I run to the waves
I ******* Brave
My courage
My love
I feel special
I feel a quiet gratitude
Gently pulsing within me.

Time and words within that time
And feelings
And cutting away everything that doesn't matter anymore
Trying my best to stay present and tuned in
But always succumbing to my daydreams
Vivid daydreams
Bold pictures and fantasies of what was and what could be

Tears, hot cold tears
Hitting my cheeks hard
But my heart can barely feel the pain
Of the rain draining from my eyes
I sit numb for hours, days, weeks
As people speak to me about their mediocrity
Nagging off my ear with all their trivialities
I nod, un-amused, slowly rotting away
Looking past them into the dimension of my unmet dreams,
The only place I like to be

Decipher, feel, try to become "real"
Disconnected and bored
Reaching for meaning but I always end up empty handed
Reaching too much, reaching too far...
When was the last time I was happy? Purely happy without an agenda?
Childhood.
Adulthood has corrupted me and everyone else around me
Peter Pan, let me be your Wendy.

We’re taught that real learning is found in structured classrooms
with strict curriculum,
Where old textbooks are graffitied with the names of lost loves and broken dreams
And young social animals
try to find their place within their peers hierarchy

But maybe learning is more than what we find
within the dark halls of school
Maybe learning is truly out there in the real world

It's not all about acing tests
And a perfect GPA
Life’s about
Becoming more human,
Trying, risking, possibly failing
And growing through it all….
And even in our darkest times,
deciding to not close our hearts

School teaches us a lot about competition and perfected performance,
But maybe we ought to reach for something beyond this
Book smarts are vital,
Yet I think we need something more--
Possibly,
A real world education for our hearts.

Let the pain fall down on you,
As you drown in your sadness,
Trying to make sense of this senseless world
Let the pain dissolve your very essence,
Teaching your soul the essential lessons,
On how to be human, how to be a blessing
To others around you who have to live through this stark world as well
The evil is pervasive,
Laced into everything
I shake and cower,
Expecting evil to target me,
Who am I?
Merely a vulnerable human being,
Just like you
What are we fighting for,
Why are we killing?
We call this mental illness,
But I think it's deeper than this
The world is in disarray
We evolutionize out cars and houses and gadgets,
But we live vapid lives
I want to love and laugh and be infinitely joyful,
Without foreboding
I want to be free from the chains of fear,
But how can I be free
In this fearful world?
We live in a beautiful planet
With such rampant violence
There is no more love
In people's hearts
What a brutiful experience,
To be human,
To be here,
On this gorgeous planet
Of chaos.

An orange orb encircles the periphery,
A sunset on a cliff
Torrential rain
Muddies the orange hues.
This cliff is for remembering
Things that must be remembered,
To be embodied, and then
Let go of
By dissolution

The cumulonimbus clouds
Must release rain
In order to dissolve.
You too,
Must process
All of your trauma
To be free from it
So you can become like the sky
After a storm
During a sunset.

What are these words for
when emotions like a tsunami
consume me
Why must I feel everything so deeply
so beautifully yet so distressingly
I've always seen the world in magnificent hues
But sometimes the somber blues are pronounced
I walk through the earth
as if the air where a thickened liquid
Stumped by misery
Hurt by the compassionless
and the sickened state of this world

It feels, at times
Like God has let go of my hands
and I fall
so rapidly
to the torrents below
The deluge swallows me
And I'm drowning

All I see is vain ignorance
or intelligent armor
I don't see the people connecting anymore
through wide open hearts
I just see phones snapping and snipping
pieces from our tired, worn out lives
Our hearts are closed and small
Just like the Grinch
living in caves
up and away
from connecting with life
in a way that opens us up to both hardship and bliss

I'm drowning in the sadness of my mind
To rewild my heart I must disconnect,
take some time
Follow the flow of the river that runs below
soak my feet in the salty mud
connect with God, though maybe
God is everything
the feminine, the masculine,
The breeze.

It's been a long time since things have been quiet
I'm always on social media,
Playing music
With the t.v. on in the background
I fall asleep to Netflix episodes I never watch,
I just put them on to lull me to sleep
It's been a long time
Since I've stopped the constant chatter of electronics,
And just sat silently with the natural sounds
I suppose they scare me
I'm numbing with devices
Filling my mind with empty vices
Until I finally experience the silence
And my mind speaks out in violence
I want the quiet,
I need the quiet
But I can't stand what my mind is
When all the chatter isn't there.

tunnels are like the transitory phases of your life
driving so fast, but everything seems to be in slow motion
in a surrealist painting
you're moving forward so quickly
but you still feel stationary
the lights pass you, one after the other
it seems like you will never again see the sun
all you can hear are the endless echoes that surround you,
all you can truly know
is the grey concrete that envelopes you
and the endless road ahead of you.

Blowing bubbles through the straw
Of my chocolate milk
The bubbles are growing
bigger Bigger BIGGER
Spilling over now
From the rim
My parents are saying to stop it now
Stop it now
But I'm hypnotized now
Laughing through my nose
Bubbles bubbles bubbles!
Spilling over onto the checkered diner table
And the waitress just past by
While rolling her eyes
And my parents said "sorry sorry"
And they try to pull the straw from my mouth
But I bite their fingers and now my bubbles are mixed with blood
Streaming down the table
Onto the floor
A river of chocolate milk with some blood
Is formed
I go for a dive
And never resurface
Because in my imagination
I forget everything that is hurting.

I see you're hanging by a thread
You are tired, pespired
Nearly expired
But my desire
Has failed to wane
I stand here by this window pane
Willing to be patient
Like I have,
For other loves before you
Because love is patient,
And so much more
Hold me in your arms,
Tell me what I want to hear
Take me far far away from here.

I hold on to
A fantasy
It is dancing in the wind,
Getting far away from me.

This day I wait for will never come
I wished for it
Upon the seeds of a dandelion
Whisked away by the wind
Is it a sin to cling
To ideations?
I drive myself insane
Filling these inane days with
Infatuations clogging my brain
I remind myself
To open my eyes to reality
That is rife with strife and triviality
But I eventually drift back into the perpetual dream
For living is painful,
And all too real
When I no longer bare to feel,
I shut my mind,
Eyes wide open,
Where the fantasy is once again
Revealed.

Let me wrap you in my shadow,
Within it's embrace you shall find your long lost solace
Paradoxes and ambiguities
Are what make me

Stuck within an endless cycle of time,
How could I ever unwind,
Or decide,
To finally make up my mind?

In this ethereal place I wish to reside,
To spread out my time,
Like honey on burnt toast
Hold onto some forsaken figment of the clock,
See with my heart and not with my mind,
Listen with my beating heart,
Listen to all the love all about me,
Wrapping her safe arms around me.

I can't quite express it
I'm experiencing an outpouring of ideas--
Passions of mine
That have been latent,
Locked down under feelings of
Insecurity and a sense of not being enough.
But the dam that kept my potential locked away
Has cracked.
And a surge of
Beautiful, magical
Passion is bursting through me,
Searching for soil
To plant all my ideas in
So they can grow, gradually,
With the nurture provided by my Passion's
Exuberant love.

The young people of this world will save us from our old, destructive ways
The young people, with their uncensored courage and brazen haste
Calling us jaded, complacent adults to change
Their pure, untainted hearts still unburdened by hate
Will become the very pathway to our escape
From the death traps we’ve made
Because for so long we’ve hated ourselves and we’ve hated the world
But the youth, with the full force of their fierce love
Are saying: “WE’RE NOT GIVING UP.”
They’re not giving into death and decay,
They won’t allow our earth to simply waste away
With all its beauty and all its wonder
But greed has corrupted our hearts and fear has led us astray
Filling our minds with hateful thoughts that cause disarray
But the youth, they’re here to stay
They wield their heart as their weapon
And pierce through the chaos our hatred and division has caused us
To make way for a better life,
Beyond our self-inflicted misery and strife

So carry on, young warriors
Brave and wise
Fight for this life we have taken for granted,
And save us from our own demise.

Do you ever feel like you were born in the wrong time? Do you possibly feel like you weren't meant to live in a time of smart phones, where everything is recorded but barely experienced? Do you long for an unknown time when people would look into each other's eyes and just be with each other? What about all the spontaneous adventures we miss out on, because we are stuck in our minds, constantly curating our perfectly presented life. We aren't free to be ourselves in every moment because we are constantly being surveillanced. It's like some invisible paparazzi is around always eager to capture and broadcast the most mundane moments of our lives. I feel so connected online to people's thoughts and I get a peek into people's private worlds, yet when I see these people in real life they are only shadows of what I experience online. Only echoes of their online personalities. Maybe we have become scared to be real and live with the joy and sorrow of uncertainty that comes with living in the real world. We've traded being real in reality with being a mere puppet in an online world that isn't even tangible. I want to feel your raw anguish over the conditions of this cruel world. I want to taste your bittersweet tears as you realize how beautiful this earth is despite the cruelty of the world. I want to to hear your laughter rip out of your heavy chest that is riddled with the anxieties of this world, and I want you to feel joy once again in that moment and I want you to breathe. I want you to make a crack in the dark dome you've been existed in, and I want you to revel in that little stream of fractured light.

The day I said **** it
To what everyone thinks
I can't control their perceptions anyway!

I see a ray of sunlight
Breaking through the clouds
I feel the rain pour down on
The desert grounds
I feel my heart open wide
And a toothy smile emerge on my face
I spin in endless circles
And in my heart there is no pain, not a trace
I am young again,
I am free
I can truly and forever be
I feel the breeze
I feel the water
Of the creek,
It's current grows stronger and stronger
God whispers through the trees
God yells through the forest
God bellows in the mountaintops
You're Healed
You're Whole
You're mine,
Forever child
I'm in your heart
And we are entwined
And I feel fine
I feel sweet
I feel utterly and holy complete
I know God loves me,
Yes, he truly does
He loves me more than anyone can
I fly on wings made up of His love
I am infinite
I am free
I am everything I need to be
I am loved
I am whole
I am a child of God
I am free, can't you see
I'm free I'm free I'm free
From all the trauma that has conditioned me
For LOVE is to strong you see,
To be defeated by calamity
Love is the medicine that restores,
Tranforms,
Heals
Metamorphosizing into a butterfly
Don't give up while you're in your caterpillar stage
Listen to me:
Don't give up
Don't give up
DON'T GIVE UP
We need you
Our world needs you
You will have your wings oneday
And have the ability
To transcend all of your suffering
While you help others with what you learned on your journey
God is with you,
In your heart
And God loves you.

the dancers
dance in unison
the sun is their pinnacle
they reach for it,
with arms outstretched
towards a sky painted magnificent hues
of orangey blues and bold violets

my mind follows them
dreams of them
my heart yearns for them
I see the dancers in my mind
they're siphoning my time,
my energy,
all my other desires runs dry
I lay restless in my bed,
as elaborate dancing plays in my mind's eye

I drift off into slumber finally,
when I can no longer fend off sleep
I find myself in a dance studio
twirling wildly
hands raised in reverence
for life itself
I stop abruptly
and step up to the mirror
I make eye contact with myself
time seems to stop
it feels like these moments
of solitude
are when I'm most alive,
most known,
understood,
cherished,
seen.

I walk over to the large window
overlooking the city
storm clouds have formed
people go about their business
down below
they look like little ants
frantically on the go.
I press my cheek to the glass
and close my eyes
what a delight it is,
to find safety within the
interior of my mind.

What is love?
Is it the outstretched hand of grace,
Helping those who are abandoned and in pain?
Is love the magnetic pull between lovers,
Enchanting both into a realm of splendor?
Or is it the inner calm,
That fills you while you witness God paint the sky
magnificent colors?
Is love the moments in which
The dam of your heart bursts open
Because life is so bittersweetly beautiful?
Surely,
I can't reckon which one is true,
But love must be true
Inherently
Maybe it's a mixture of mind and heart
That leads to the conclusion of love
For true love
Can neither be rash
Nor too cold
It must be balanced,
And directed by the Soul.

Colors dance through my mind
My heart is the artist
Spilling through the confines of reality
Because she knows
That seeing with the heart is more essential
Than seeing with the eyes

Flowers bloom in my tailored, skull encased reality
My senses light up as if on fire
My mind has trouble distinguishing reality from fantasy
I clench my hands
As if to anchor myself
But then I release,
Knowing that I must allow myself to be carried within the ambiguous sea

Hatred is heavy like lead
Weighing me down in my chest
And causing too much air in my mind
Rotations of thoughts
That illicit bitterness
I point my finger and scream “Phonies!”
At the world
But the world is also me,
Phony, eager to please

Some symphonies are composed by harmony and beauty,
Peace and integrity
But unsuspected symphonies of chaos, malice and disorder
Crash into the melodic symphony
And cause disharmony,
Sadness,
Confusion

Though, at times
I’ve fancied the idea of eradicating the chaotic symphony altogether,
I find more beauty
In entertaining both the sadness and joy in my life
Inviting both to my table
Because I can see beauty in the sadness
And I find also beauty in the joy.

Sipping on honeysuckle stems,
Biting into ripe oranges
Juice travelling down my skin
Golden hues glittering in
The warm autumn sun

The sun is an orb of fire
Setting on the horizon
A treasure for you,
To store in your pocket,
Or your memory bank
To be played like a film,
Vaguely remembered,
Deeply felt
I splay my fingers out
Crossing both hands above my heart
I'm ready for this new start

Scarlet and jade tints
Wrapped like vines,
Glinting hints
A reality not yet realized,
A blurry photograph coming to form
You see through the looking glass,
My face is alarmed,
But you told me
I disarmed you,
Charmed you,
Torn down your pride and
Harmed you
You gave me your heart,
No questions
Beauty is a trick,
Love turned to hatred

Apricot skies,
Leaves flying high
Red, orange, green and blue
Whipping through the fog
Fuzzy images emerging from the storm
The intangible taking form,
Deeply breathing
Air so blue
I think I've felt a thousand rainfalls,
Crying through a storm,
Running through a big city,
Unnoticed, all alone
But coral sunsets
And honeysuckle air,
Are the remedy to the distress,
Bubbling just below my hair,
I've found a reason to love
Despite the pain,
I've found my reason to live again,
Grasping my purpose out of thin air.

I want beauty like the blue sage
Beckoning the hummingbird,
Petals open
Fertile ground between throbbing lips
******* like mountain peaks,
Round and supple
Yearning to be touched and devoured in his hands
I want beauty, deep beauty
Raw beauty
And aliveness
Fully alive
I hunger to be fully alive
With this earth, with creation, with the pulsing energy of the cosmos
I’m alive
On fire
Pulsing
Awake and dreaming
I know what I want
Life,
To live.

I walked down memory lane
Pictures appeared on either side of me
Photographs from times past of
Smiles and laughing
Crying and pain
It's all come and past
Everything is ephemeral
I rode the waves of all these experiences
But the waves have crashed on the sand
Life is tranquil now,
and unplanned

My head is full of echoes
of these memories
I'm a marionette
Controlled by my past
In all my dreams
I am back in my glory days,
Stuck there
On rewind,
Trying to find a way out

I had dreams then
I grew up but the dreams
Never became fulfilled
So I regressed
So I could still find
Solace in my dreams
For my dreams feel impossible to fulfill
in current time
But they still seem attainable
When I'm viewing them through the lens
of my past self

I find comfort in who I used to be,
Now I am an ambiguous being
Not sure of who I am
and where I am going
Listless and lost
Numb, merely existing
Without any real drive
Reality is the water to my fiery passions
I've strived for so long
to bring my dreams into fruition
But reality has cooled my idealistic zeal
And left me spiritless.

Save me from this mind
That festers with fears
And wastes my precious time
Thinking of what could be
But maybe
I've just got to live and see
But my Mind,
Calculating all the time
Comes to me with false data
Look how things didn't work out for other people,
Look, that one died,
That one got tortured,
That one got abused
Those people are dying out in the streets,
Being misused
I say thank you Mind,
For agitating me,
Causing me to loath the fact that
I somehow
got put on this earth,
This twisted place
And how so often I feel like I don't truly belong,
Even though I love
I just feel like
How on earth,
Did I ever end up HERE?
Because I don't belong here,
And neither do you
But it's outliers like us
That will change the world.

Pull me in with the tide
Green frothy foam rising up my thighs
Translucent teal
Bubbles popping, waves crashing
My imagination, whole
Home
At home
In the big green sea
Who’s hand should I hold?
Who’s bed do I want to inhabit
I spend my time thinking of the people I may love
But I always end up alone
But that’s ok
Because it’s safer to sleep
To keep this distance between us
Don’t worry
Just because we’re away
Doesn’t make this love unreal
Everything is real which I can feel
If I can feel it in my heart
And dream it in my mind
I know,
It’s real
But sometimes I have trouble distinguishing dreams from reality
But is it all really the same?
An undivided stream
Weaving threads, together in this tapestry
Who’s hand should I hold?
For now I hold my own.

Red and purple robe
Tied with knots of gold
Glittering on the precipice of winter and spring
Fur boots with heels dancing in the light layer of snow
In an endless field
Where few people go
The sun is setting and the sun is rising
Standing flat on this ground
But always spinning
To your next destination
To whatever that's fitting
The cosmic dance
Has you grinning
You set out on a path
Only to find yourself back at the beginning.

Maybe not everything is meant to be understood by the mind
Because most times words fail to convey
What's truly there
Only our hearts can intuitively comprehend
The feelings we're too scared to feel.

She’s a red, hot energy coursing through me
Awakening in my heart
She’s daring and unruly,
Truly wild, and set apart

She’s a blue flame
Dancing fluidly with the wind
Her blue courses through my veins
And washes through my beating heart

I thought maybe, I had to be different
To have her live in me
But that belief made her enraged,
She absolutely disagreed

But this belief was ingrained in me by the people who make the beauty magazines,
And all the flashy displays of ‘this is what a woman ought to be’
Even the men have picked me apart
Scrutinizing my features as if I’m not a work of divine art

They program us women this way so that we don’t feel good enough,
And when we don’t feel good enough we’re more likely to hand over our money
To be injected into and pumped up
With plumper lips, thicker hips, bigger ****
But when is it ever enough?
We end up like fattened cows stationary, hooked into a milking machine
We lose the meaning to life
Because plastic can’t let life in

I don’t want plastic
I want real
I want Her
To take me over
And bring me to life
I don’t want to compare myself to other girls
And believe the lack of love in my life is because of my ordinary looks
Or because they is something wrong with me
That I’m not feminine enough,
Attractive enough to men, put together enough, smart enough, wifey-material enough
And this is why I’m on my own
But it’s not true
It’s a lie
I am lovable and I am kind
I have a lot to offer
And I’m going to give it all to me
I’m not going to mold myself
Into what I think men want me to be.

All things grow with love
Plant the seed,
But it needs love to grow and flourish!

You know,
You're never really gonna know
Just how brave you are,
You turn back
And see how far you've come
And yet you still doubt your worthiness

You've allowed people to hurt you for too long,
You walked around, boundary-less
Searching for a warm place to call your own

You stand out from any crowd,
Your heart pours out love,
You are joy embodied,
All the naysayers try to pull you down,
But don't let them!
They just can't bare to believe a person could actually be happy and purposeful in this world

You've been through some ****,
And yet you decided to not be an *******,
You decided to spread love instead
Give yourself a break for once,
You're doing great.

There is no such thing as love,
Don't you understand?
All this romanticizing and propping on pedestals
People are all ugly deep down
Pierce through the facade and you'll see
The greedy devil
devouring the life within me

Ha, I had dreams
But where did dreams ever get me?
I can't waste my time
And I'm too wise
to lend my heart over willingly

What if I don't want exclusivity?
What if I believed all people have beauty
What if I'm happier being single
And I don't dream of marriage and having kids
I dream of growth and freedom--
Desire unleashed

What if I'm not typical
I don't feel like I'm a woman,
I don't feel like I'm a man
I don't feel like I have any particular role to fulfill
I only feel obligated to be free and love
Create and play
And make sure everyone can enjoy life in this way

So,
There is no such thing as love...
As we know it.
Love is so much much than what Hollywood sells us.

Many a psychiatrist
Sitting in their stiff leather chair,
Has tried to tell me
What is wrong in my head
They review tests I've taken
With scales
Asking me how much I feel something-
One through three?
They dole out myriad pills,
That cause further distress
I try to keep my mind a placid place,
But these pills and these labels keep me in constant chaos
All the different labels plastered around me:
Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar, OCD, PTSD...
Doctor, won't you tell me,
Which one is it exactly?
I've gone to all these doctors,
And they all tell me something different
I'm starting to doubt their veracity
I can no longer be discontent, I can no longer be sad, I can no longer be stressed, I can no longer obsess occasionally about an arbitrary mistake, I can no longer be super elated without reason, I can no longer recount a haunting experience...
Without being mental in some way
And having a pill pushed on me by some "well meaning" doctor
Instead of taking the time to actually stop for a moment, open their ears, and get in touch with the very real experience of offering to help carry a burden,
With a little something called empathy.

Joy was a dream I once had
My happiness is fake and imbibed,
Well really, contrived
Because no one knows my secrets
And what if they ever slipped?
And everyone saw me,
Naked, like in dreams
In public, my shame unveiled,
Bare
For people to see
But I don’t want them to see
Because what if they hate the real me?

But these things I didn’t overthink when I was a child
But in adulthood we create narratives that represent us falsely to ourselves
Adopting the labels others have assigned to us
Threading them into the fabric of our identity

I wonder, how can I embody joy again?
I’m so **** tired, and scared, and bitter
And I’m worried that everyone will hate me,
Or even worse, nobody even cares
I guess in childhood I had more stability,
Everything didn’t seem so fleeting,
So cold, so dark, so lonely

I guess all I can rely on right now
Is the possibly irrational notion
That things will ultimately work out
That I may not find the light,
But I can learn to create it and sustain it within myself
A reassuring ember of warmth,
Guiding me into reimagining my childhood dream.

I've been spending my time slowly breaking down,
Not even intentionally
Just subconsciously
My days have been dark, clouded and slow
I pray for something else,
But do I really want it?

Yes. Today I declare I want to live.
Did you hear me?
I said:
Today I choose life

Now my life is full of color again,
Color and laughter and gaiety
I am surrounded by loving people
Whose love shoots out through there hearts like beams of light

I am so ridiculously happy,
Spilling with joy
I smile wide as tears stream down my face,
Hands over my heart,
Dancing in the summer rain.

Cloaked in satin,
Sitting there
In your plastic chair,
But you sit in it
Like you're royalty,
You make plastic look like gold
For you shine so bright,
Right from your bones
Your joy is palpable,
You are an angel in disguise,
Who stole your halo from you,
With those years of many lies?
People try to steal what they cannot own,
And yet you call this heart a home
I must go this alone,
You asked to take my hand,
I contemplated saying no
I needed to hide my tracks in the snow

You're eager indeed,
Eager to please
I said stay here,
Sit down with your tightly wound knees
But you couldn't,
You sought to chase the breeze,
Trying to catch the ineffable
This is why your mind is a well of unease

Standing there,
What an elegant pair,
Don't despair,
What is yours will find you
Don't blind yourself with illusions,
Embrace the truth here,
Embrace the warmth of life that is Living,
You find little solace in your daydreams,
You're bewitched by all these schemes brewing in your brain,
But just for once,
Relax, today.
*Bask in this morning's glory,
Reassured in your solitude,
Make peace with all of the incomplete puzzles in your mind.

****, I think
It hurts
It hurts that trauma takes root
Like a thorny rose bush without roses
Stuck in the ground in winter,
A cold, neglected stump

The pain is ingrained
Like tire tracks in a road
Deeply grooved by years of daily repetition
I’ve tried so many times before
To reset my course
But my tires always fall back into those deep, ingrained grooves

I truly don’t understand how some people do it,
How some people make healing seem so effortless
Because healing feels like torture,
At least in the ways I’ve tried to do it
And my system just can’t tolerate torture anymore

So all I can do
Is make peace with my unmet longings
And bow in humility to this miracle of life
Be content with my lot in life,
And let go of the desire for the seamless life that is social media worthy,
But instead cultivate meaning through holy dedication to incremental, sometimes painful change.

It takes time to grow
It takes time to develop
It takes time to know
You need creases in your face,
laugh lines, dark circles, wrinkles on your forehead
To understand
and to become everything you need to be
There is no need to rush the germination of your soul
You're just gonna have to give yourself time to grow
And sometimes growth comes slow
But that's okay
You don't have to run away
From everything that ties you down and causes you pain
You can become okay with the dissarray
And just look out your window,
wherever you are
Look at how the sun is so faithful
It rises every new morning
Just continue to rise everyday
with the sun
and in due time
You will get there, wherever that is
And you will become who you need to be
And you will breathe,
you will laugh
You will see
how the hardships made you stronger and kinder
Just wait and see,
You will grow dear,
You will grow so tall and magnificently
But as for now,
Put a seed of love in your heart
And tend to it gently
For love is more important than growth,
You must love yourself and be love to others
Whoever you are, wherever you are.

Do you want to uplevel with me?
Merge together and create something splendid?
Because I can see beautiful potentialities with you,
Envisioning brighter futures where I no longer have to suffer through trials alone
But instead becoming lovers in which we serve each other as a boon,
A buffer against the raw pangs of reality

Not only are you beautiful,
Which my heart craves
Your beauty is rugged and untamed
And that’s what I like about you

You’ve evolved, and so have I
Cynicism has changed the creases around our eyes
And it’s noticeable that we’re sadder now
But maybe we can help each other lean into joy,
Uplevel into contentment

Maybe it’s not so much about upleveling,
But regressing back to a childlike state
Of whimsy, gratitude and wonder
A time before our minds weren’t strong enough to war within us

I feel my heart, like a closed bud
Blossoming
And you’re knocking on the door of my heart.
Maybe this time I’ll let you in.

Do you think of me
the way I think of you?

I tried to forget you,
I really did
But God keeps hitting me with
Two by fours

There is no escaping you,
So what do you say?
Do you want me to stay?

This is what I want,
I want a love just like a fire
Profuse with passion and desire
I want a colorful, vibrant love
Granting me permission
To be beautiful,
Full of wild ambition
I need him
To embrace me like
A vine embraces a trellis,
Without choking me,
Or limiting me
I need to maintain my autonomy
I need sweet lips I can kiss,
That I will never grow tired of
I need a soul
To serve as my companion
For the endless adventures
I dream up
I need a rebel,
To push me past my limits
I need a nonconformist,
To **** the rules with me
I need a wild soul,
Just like me..

When I was seventeen
On a summer day
Me and Sarah
Kayaked to the
Gratified brick wall
Across the beach
She had been there
A few days ago with her boyfriend
And I wanted to see it
For myself

A man
Out catching *****
Was a few yards away
We pulled our kayaks
Up onto the beach
And hid them behind some large rocks and trees

We made our way
Up a steep rocky hill
to the abandoned mansion
There was a gated moss covered pool
In front of the entrance
We made our way
Through a smashed window

Inside,
I gasped
The mansion
Was horrifyingly beautiful
Every inch of the opulent interior
Was defaced in graffiti
Names of the local high schools scrawled out across the peeling paint,
Names of young lovers conjoined by a plus sign

There was a colossal chandelier
Hanging in the massive living room
With walls that reached so high
Empty beer cans and glass liquor bottles
Littered the beautiful wood floors

Sarah and I
Opened the door
To the backyard
And were overcome by an unsettling feeling
As we saw trees
In two rows
On either side of a dirt path
our eyes tried to find an end to the path
But they only came upon
Darkness
On the farthest point our eyes could reach

The tress were old and twisted
I had never seen trees like that before,
Or ever again
So mangled
Yet they looked as if they were all pointing
To the dark distance
We heard the mansion give out a load groan
And we ran

We ran into the
A structure that
Looked like a little round open Greek temple
Situated on a cliff
Overlooking the sea
Sarah lit up her Marlboro red

We kayaked back to the beach
Regretting that Sarah yet again
Forgot her camera.

My mind was a dry well,
But it has rained
Finally
I feel my heartbeat
sustaining me
I'm so alive,
I almost can't believe it,
Everything is so beautiful,
I'm savoring it.

I can change
I assure myself
But doubt still dwells in me
Keeping me chained to old ways that are slowly eroding my joy
Fading colors until everything I see is covered in a film of grey
It’s so difficult to push against this
When the resistance comes from within me

But there’s a flickering flame
Igniting the hope that I can change for the better
That I can start caring for myself
Despite my upbringing of neglect
That I no longer have to be against myself
And disregard my needs
But slowly rise
In becoming stronger
By making incremental changes
Until one day, I tear through my chrysalis
To expose my wings.