You knock on doors, to no avail
No one seems to be home
You tread meandering paths
Trying to make sense of the aftermath
Of a life that didn't go as planned
Until you come upon
A waterfall haloed by a rainbow
Then you finally see,
The unexpected is just a grand mystery
And in the mystery is so much spontaneous beauty
So, please stop analyzing
Start living
This beautiful life
Enjoy the long days of your short life
Absorb in every last bit
Of this beautiful experience called living
Start forgiving yourself and others
So you can live a life with a heart unencumbered
And remember that the end of a life
Is really not an end
But an opening
Deeper and deeper into the mystery
Of awe inspiring beauty.

It's hidden,
among the thick viridescent vines
It's somewhere just beyond the cumulus clouds
It's tangled within the particles carried in the smoke
exhaled through her pursed rouge lips

It's akin to a polychromatic dragon,
slithering through the boiling concrete like
a rainbow snake

It's a doe, staring at you
Blankly
Absorbing your soul

But you never look into the mirror for too long,
Do you?
Because if you do
You will start falling into yourself
Over and over
through infinite dimensions
Your mind will flip you like a hologram
through cubes rotating
on a conveyor belt
You would lose your body,
momentarily disassociated,
Eternally disconnected

But it's funny you see,
Because I talk in riddles
For you to not quite understand me
The significance is imbued within the images
If you dare contemplate them

It's hidden
Like the soft roll of the sea
tugged gently by the crescent moon
On the sand it's finally quiet,
No more bustling life

Maybe it's hidden
Behind those iridescent sunglasses
Hidden in those concealed eyes,
That concealed heart.

To see life through new eyes,
To witness the ocean drink up the sunset
To truly live again,
And breathe deep within my lungs
Is my definition of paradise

To hold a lover close
To follow my heart and
Forget the rules
To revel in pleasure
And despise pain
To live genuinely
Without masks

Is to live life with new eyes,
And a renewed heart
To turn away from what is killing me
And embrace this life,
With every fiber in me.

Silliness is a game
From silliness I can't refrain
It washes away the pain
It keeps me sane

I laugh a little too much
Smile a little too much
Cry a little too much too
But I'm living this life only once
And if you were as well, wouldn't you too?

Collect my tears
Steer them towards the residue of my pain,
Those years never to be regained
Blinded by open eyes,
Traumatized
Irrigate those memories,
Wash me free from my mental cemetery

For years I dreamt of you,
Did you dream of me?
I walk through the rain,
Daydreaming of your warm hand in mine
I look out into the distance,
Searching for a love which is profound

I am the ocean,
Swallowed alive
I breathe deeply,
Content,
Mesmorized by you, a boy
Heaven-sent.

If you wanted to know,
Then yes,
I like you
If you wanted to know,
Then yes,
I love you
If you wanted to know,
Then yes,
I adore you

Everything you do mesmerizes me,
From the way you move to the way you talk
The way you smile and the way you look into my eyes
The way you nervously look away,
If you wanted to know,
Then yes,
I care
And I notice
And I see
What others don't

If you wanted to know,
The heart wants what it wants
And my heart
Wants you
Flaws and all
I am blind to all of them
All I can see is You
Past the confusion and pain
And all the time gone by without gain
I thought you were gone for good,
But look,
You're back
Walking beside me
Exactly where you should be
By my side, in my heart
Stay here and don't depart.

I want to dream
You all say your life is unsatisfactory
That makes me so **** sad
I want to live in a world of possibilities
Not helplessness and depression
I want freedom and loving expression

I know what I dream of exists
I must love myself free
From this miserly mix
I have a heart beating within me
And I will listen to her.

rain, clouding my glasses,
little droplets skewing street lights
cars travelling by
on this street, in the night
i stop by the open field
with the locked fence
my dog pulls at his leash,
straining to go forward
but i resist,
to savor this moment

the backdrop was navy blue,
with grey hues
fireflies lit up the open field
like little stars glowing
i let the rain soak me,
clean my festering wounds
and water my parched body
i took in a deep breathe of this night,
closed my eyes
to soak in every sensation
so maybe i wouldn't forget,
and could call upon this moment
while my soul suffers it's bouts of desolation

if only,
i was always
this present
i guess then,
i wouldn't be so distant

Orange sun-ripened
Bliss
Heaven dripping down my lips
Streaming down my sun-kissed skin.

I walk barefoot
Down the wooden trail
Golden sunlight peeks through the canopy of trees
Making my skin pearlescent green

Birds above me,
Chattering and clattering
Bold blues, striking reds, electric yellows
Flit through the sky
A woodpecker up above,
Drumming against a tree
I soak in every delicious detail
of sight and sound
Enveloping me

The forest calls me deeper,
And into it I must go
I know I will lose what I have now
But I'm willing to lose it all
In order to grow
I don't care so much about external decorations anymore,
Flowers for my stem
I need deep roots more than I need flowers right now,
But I'll have both in the end

I'll jump down the rabbit hole,
Get lost in the splendor
Of a lifetime adventure
Release all illusions of control,
Free falling, arms wide open--
Deeper I shall go.

Sometimes I fear falling asleep,
Sometimes I fear these words I wish to speak
Sometimes I fear losing everything that makes up my world.

Sometimes, you meet a person who is medicine to your soul...

If dreams came true
Right now I would be holding you
I would be so deep into the center of my bliss
I would see the world in vibrant hues
My inner world would become warm like honey with your every kiss
I dream of you,
But dreams never seem to come true
I like to think of love as a fairytale
So maybe that's why I find it to be so elusive
It's like trying to catch a mythical faerie
That flies so high, so far away
She is beautiful, ethereal
Yet so out of reach
Maybe I put the idea of love on a pedestal
But I won't accept
Tarnished love
I can't seem to settle for what I would call
Lackluster love
Love that is devoid of imagination, wonder, whimsy
I want the magic,
I want the deep, earth-shattering connection,
But can I be open to
The shadow?
The darkness of another
The hurt, the pain, the dull quiet ache of their unexpressed wound
That needs my love
To encourage it to the surface
And heal it in the light?

Hold on, clutched in sweaty palms.

No, let go, let it all wash away.

On the shores of yesterday.

The memories are like knives.

They'll **** you if you don't let go.

It's okay.

Cast them out into the sea.

Let the wave swallow them whole.

Forget the people who left you.

Who hurt you.

Who forgot you.

You can't forget about them.

They haunt you in your dreams.

You try to make a heart connection.

But they are distant.

This is why you must let go.

Surrender.

And you'll be free.

You don't need to carry the weight of your pain.

If you give it up you'll be light.

You'll be free.

Doesn't that sound appealing?

I know it's difficult to do.

But just get used to life being transient.

And go with the flow.

Because in the unknown.

You could find your greatest bliss.

Sure, there's tons of uncertainty.

But uncertainty isn't bad.

Anything could happen.

You could even become happy again.

The night is warm with reasons
Beyond this time and season
My tears stream profusely down my reddened cheeks
And even though many words spin through my mind, I can't seem to speak
Because reasons don't seem to make much sense
And honestly, I'm feeling rather dense
I had all these dreams once, you see
But now I have no idea who I am and who I want to be
I've changed so much
Circumstances changed me
Changed my once loving, carefree and joyful heart
Into a miser
Maybe now I'm much wiser
But I'm not kinder
I'm hardened and bruised
Seeking and failing to find beauty
And I'm not sure
If searching for reasons to dream
Will be useless
Should I pursue a better way?
Or lay my dreams down in a grave?

I feel hollow,
Thrum thrum thrum,
See? Hollow.
It hurts to feel hollow
I miss things I shouldn’t miss
I’m remembering incorrectly
It hurts, it just hurts
I want to feel the sun and be whisked off my feet by joy
But my heart is heavy
I miss things I shouldn’t miss
That relationship, was a drug
An addiction
I miss things I shouldn’t miss
My mind and body and heart
Are craving a hit
I’m in withdrawal
Ouch
Shaking, hollow, thrum thrum thrum
Who am I?
I’m missing things I shouldn’t miss.

Do I see it now?
Images and echoes of future notions
reverberate through my mind
I'm trying to come up with a definitive answer
But the future is concealed,
Smiling slyly behind privacy glass
I'll never know, despite how much I grasp

It was just,
words were shared
Words that I haven't spoken for so long
Those words flowed through me effortlessly
And gasped sighs of relief
as they hit the air
that carried them on sound waves
to his ears

I felt like he saw me
I haven't felt seen for a while now
Who is this mystery man
That I've always admired from afar
Coming unpredictably into my life
And cracking open my heart?

The unplanned encounter felt natural
So natural it was almost raw
I exposed myself,
Naked
Flaws and quirks and odd thoughts
Openly displayed
I couldn't be anyone but myself
And with him that was okay

This encounter has triggered daydreaming in me
But I must remain rooted in reality
For the ride on cloud nine is exhilarating yet swift
It gets you so high
and then kicks you off over a cliff
I've gotta be patient, I've gotta stay strong
I have to really know myself
Before I can know another
I've gotta let all expectations go
and just go with the flow
No manipulating to get my way
Just simple openness to a God-led way.

I'm always looking for a thrill
That will fulfill
The echo humming silently within
I search for a bridge
That will bring together the chasm between my heart and my mind
It pains me to be so distant,
To feel nothing inside

And yet I started to feel something today,
Like a a sprout growing forth from barren soil
My fears birthed from years of endless toil
Were overcome by the power of Love
It cut my fears down to size
It opened up my eyes
It gutted me and had me on the floor crying
Thinking of absurdities, like dying
I felt so many things I haven't felt in so long
My heart was bursting forth with so much bittersweet love
My ego caved and my insecurites could not be saved
As the wave of Love ravaged my every notion
And suffocated my ego in the depths of the Ocean
Where I experienced profoundly God's undying devotion
His love is unconditional, limitless
In endless supply
How could I fathom this,
Being a little human, am I
But I took "I" away
And saw
We are all
Eternal brothers and sisters
Stuck in our internal wars
But God just wants to love us
And heal our our scars.

I'm doing away with my grandiose dreams
And settling for reality

But reality isn't as enticing
As the extravagant creations
My seeking mind constructs

Reality is boring,
But reality is real
It it forces me to feel

In my bubble of creation
Where I feel like I have so much control
I dream of things that cause celebration
But things can turn ugly quickly
When nightmares feel too real
My mind screams out into
The void of unfeeling in my heart
I reach out my hands, searching
Grasping for stability
On a firm foundation
But I feel cast out in infinite space
Floating, without control

Reality can seem
So much more promising
Though it's tedious at times
And seemingly more dull
Compared to my imaginings

Maybe I can arrive somewhere
Right in the middle of
Reality and Imagination
Grounded creativity
Neither too monotonous or
too ungrounded
With both feet on the ground,
An open heart
And a artistic mind
All working for the same purpose
To bring some healing
Into this world.

Exhale on three,
While soaking in the summer breeze
Finally, I find my mind and body at ease
And within my chest my heart beats with cheer
I feel fine, happy, content just right here

Everything swiftly falling into place
Look at this smiling face reflecting back at me,
I look into my eyes and I see
The tension is no longer lurking in the creases,
It's been released
I've been freed from the stresses that had once stricken me,
I'm calmer, like the bottom of the ocean,
Steady and still.

Summer has a mysterious way of bringing me relief,
Maybe it's all that vitamin D
From the sun burns I get with my porcelain skin
Summer reminds me of all the good times of being a kid
It just makes me so happy to live

Summer's relief is the antidote to my grief,
Taking my bouts of disbelief
And disproving my agony with sprouting lush life surrounding me,
Confounding me
Filling my heart with awe
For how much beauty is here
On this gorgeous Earth,
Spinning in air.

Reach out a hand to me

Because I go home,
Sobbing.

I'm surrounded by people
Making small talk
They only see the surface of me
That's all they ever really care to see

My pain makes me write beautiful words
And when I paint it's like I'm dipping my paintbrushes in the very blood that runs through my veins--
A kaleidoscope of color
Runs down my canvas

But all I want to do is purge this pain,
Heal this wound
Even if it is the catalyst to my creation

I'm so tired of feeling lonely
Being an onlooker to people sharing smiles

When people ask me about myself
It just makes me feel like I'm a loser
Why do you ask me what I do?
What I do for work doesn't define me
Instead, ask me what I love

Am I too cynical?
Have my life experiences ****** me
To the fringes of society?
I smile
But my smile is merely an attempt to hide the tempest deep within me
I laugh,
But silently
My soul screams

Reach out your hand to me,
Don't turn away
To ignore my pain
That leaks through the creases of my face
I need someone to help me
But there is no one
And there will never be anyone to rescue me

I reach out my hand
And press my palm to the mirror
I look into my eyes and say:
"I'm here for you."

Do you ever consider your own mortality?
Or how beautiful life is?
Do you ever wonder about the point of it all?
And why there is suffering?
•
Dear child,
So lost and all alone
Where do these tears originate from?
Are you a foreigner in a strange land?
Have you forgotten your name?
You've been abandoned.
But I'll give you a new name,
And I'll give you a new home
And I'll give you a new family,
All these will be better then before
I promise
Rest, dear one
You hold heavy concepts in your mind and they weigh you down
Even for a moment, try to believe that there is a God who cares for you,
So that you don't need to figure everything out on your own any longer
You can lay your troubled head to rest now, darling
Most of the quarrels exist only in your mind
I know you've had a hard life
But now it's time to release
And finally be at ease
Once you were a victim, but you aren't anymore
Because you got through it
And it's made you stronger
Just allow yourself to love
And love also without reservation
Giving without expectation
And you'll be free,
You'll finally be free of your own mental prison.

I stepped into the fire
and it burned me,
Nearly incinerated all of me
But I couldn't leave it
I almost liked it

I sat in that black and grey ash
I wallowed in my jaded joy
I felt like a mere toy
In life's game
Endless years of pain
And very little gain

I wiped away my tears
With grimy hands
My heart crashed down to the ground
And hit the cold concrete floor
My heart shattered into a million tiny peices
It had been made of crystal,
It once was so beautiful.
Look what life has done.

the door cracked open
light flooded through that small crack
into the dark room

it's been dark for some time now,
years now
there is no way to be deliberate about this
when days take their own form
and harden, refusing to yield

and as an artist
I want to contort things to my own liking
I want to create my own reality
yet for this endeavor the price is high
for my days become full of useless striving
chasing all I think I want
but I'm left bewildered
when I find that everything I've chased all along
Has always been within me

for now I have a ***** in the armor of my heart
but soon my heart will no longer need armor
for it's love will shine forth,
mighty and true
it will be radiant and powerful
that it will no longer need
the injured identity and poorly constructed walls
the armor is comprised of
for the heart in it's authenticity
is the most potent force in all the universe
when we vow to live our lives with integrity
then we have promise ourselves
that we will break free from the rat race--
the endless suffering
of a purposeless life.

"If you can dream it you can do it."

Don't lose your hope,
Because this is what your life depends on now
When you only have these dreams left to your name
The sun is setting
But your inner flame is growing

Just don't lose your hope
It takes time for your dream,
Like a seed
To grow into a full grown tree

Be patient and see
The fruits of your labor
Will be worth it in the end
When you see how many lives you have touched
By your courageous work.

Remember this
As it swiftly drips from your grip
Remember this
As the image your eyes see
Will erode through time
Leaving behind only a fragment in your mind
Remember this
As you look
Blankly into the screen
This life is not all that it seems
It passes by so quickly
So stop and take notice
Absorb and embrace
And try to remember
Before it's all erased.

Tears streak my face
I hold out my hand,
Searching for a hand to grab
I wipe tears from my eyes,
Imagine blood on my wrists
What is this disaster that has latched onto me?
My mind is in disarray,
My heart is a loveless mourner
My feet anxiously await my destiny as a sojourner
I grabbed a bat
And beat the mattress
Screamed into a pillow,
All they see is a happy girl,
But they can't see what I've been through,
What I've seen,
I can't erase these dark notions,
Tearing me a part like a monsoon.

I want to scream my love for you on rooftops,
For your face is haunting me
Stalking me in dreams,
Visions of you fill up my idle time
All I can think of,
Are all the things we have not yet done
Like kissing and lovingly caressing,
Being lifted up into boundlessly affectionate arms,
You make me sick,
In every good way
All I want to do is tell you,
But all I can manage is a whisper,
I'm stifled in your presence,
It's my literal hell,
To love someone so much,
But refuse to express it
But this is a chance that
If I missed it
No one would ever replace you,
And my heart, well, no one would be able to fix it.

Soul, unencumbered
Light as a fairy's feather
I'm wrapped in the warmth
Of a million knitted sweaters

Triumphant and true
I've walked these meandering paths
Only to come back to You,
God, the lord of what is new

Bedazzled and dazed
Waking up amazed
How could it be?
I whisper silently

This magic is true,
Available also to you
I've got new eyes, you see
The renewed eyes of a child able to see clearly

On bold rainbows I stand,
All power, peace and prosperity in my hand
No mountain is too steep
All of God's promises I shall keep

My soul,
An ever growing rose
Knows, she knows
In which way to go.

Early mornings start dark
and quiet, and still
My side of the earth has not yet awoken,
the birds and the crickets are not heard
I feel as if I can be myself
while my neighborhood is rubbing there swollen eyes,
there eyes averted, not on me

sometimes, during the day
When people are awake
I feel like my words echoe
and hit walls
but never quite make it
to the ears of the hearts
who I want to hear
It always feels unclear
Radio static

In the darkness I feel my brightest.
In the darkness I feel my freest.
In the darkness I feel my wildest.

Physical darkness doesn't scare me
Emotional darkness does
A lack of introspection
A refusal to take inventory of yourself
and clean up "your side of the street,"
To get your **** together,
to heal your pain

So don't cast your darkness on me
When all I'm seeking is to shine forth through my broken pieces.

What a strange world I live in
This is our world
But so many people live as if it is only their world

Blue orb speckled with green
Spinning around a gargantuan ball of fire at the center of everything

This strangeness is felt
Like tears on my cheeks
In a world with so many sharp edges
I'm searching for a soft place to land

Society is a socially acceptable form of prison
We're so accustomed to the prison's parameters
That we're blind to them
We work like little faithful working bees
So our kings and queens
Can reap the benefits

If we stay nescient
Then we will never have the option to break free
But some don't care to be free
They find security in the dull drum of certainty
So, I invite you to step away from this madness with me,
But only if you truly want to be free.

My eyes are upon the heavens
My heart longs for home
I've been reaching for understanding
But plummeting down into uncertainty

My mind is a spiral
My heart a vagabond
My mind is full with morning fog
My heart is full of endless stars

Lord, awaken me
Take me, all of me
As thy instrument
Give me a purpose
Beyond all of this useless striving

Gently nudge me back to life
I've known grief, but I no longer want that
to be the main theme of my life story
I'll trade the sad stories in
For days of endless joy and meaning
Lord, give me what I am needing

I've said goodbye to troublesome vices,
I'm trying to rid my life
Of everything that gets in the way of your Love
I'm nearly empty
Of all of this self sabotage
So take me God,
And show me how much you love me.

My heart is aching
My heart is breaking
And I'm on my knees
That are bleeding
On slate rock

I lift my tired body up
From this cliff
I stretch a foot over the abyss
But withdraw

Why do movies
Make love look so easy?
I cry like a spoiled infant,
I am greedy

I want what I want--
No negotiation
But my unmet longings
Will be my demise

I have to loosen my grip,
Open my eyes
Relax my heart
Stop grasping
Start living
And enjoying
Ah,
What relief
I will receive
When I stop trying so hard,
When I release control to God.

I'm merely a sail in the wind
I have no preference,
North, South, East, West
Take me in any direction,
As long as it's God-led

I just want to be an autumn leaf
I just want to sink softly back to the ground that birthed me

My mind is busy,
Everyone's mind is busy
Adulthood is busy,
Always so busy

I forgot the child I was
and her dreams
Her aspirations, her goals
Her feelings, her thoughts
Her inner knowings
Everything she loved
Everything she lost

Will I ever be her again?

There is a longing here,
in my heart

I want innocence.

Coalescing leaves,
Never being truly heard
My shadow only seen
Hidden in the tapestries
Of kaleidoscopic trees
With roots tapping deep into my being
A reality they are not seeing,
But I've known all my life
Writing my secrets in the air with my finger,
In plain view
Dreaming of mirrors,
A multitude of mirrors,
Yet who I am is still out of view
A cloud, mist adrift
Visceral notions
I must sift through
The rubble
It's good times for a change,
I found a rainbow deep within the haze
Over my heart their is a glaze,
From this dream I can't awake,
Repeating cycles of my self demise,
Someone, please,
Open my eyes.

I'm tired

So don't tell me what to do

I've got a tragic mind

An everlasting spirit

And an open heart

I know there is something better,

There has to be something better,

Right?

Because I can't stay here,

Stuck in this metaphorical mire

I've suffered for too long,

And today I say no

No more wasting away

No more wasting my days

I follow the magic of my soul

So everyone can keep their opinion to themselves

While you trudge through another uneventful day

I will finally not be enslaved

To the nonsense of this society

I will no longer complain

And not even explain

To all the naysayers

I will just go

And follow the call of my soul.

Sapphire feathers cloak me
My back to the sun, golden
Heart like an emerald glowing,
Heart like an emerald glowing

Twilight, soft and yellow
My chest, rising-- up and down
Creatures chattering
My mind doesn't make a sound

I think I remember
As I force forgetting
I feel I remember
Eyes closed, transported to an ethereal setting

Whence I came
From the womb
Encased deep within my mother
Germinating, preparing to bloom

But was there existence before the womb?
Was I first a notion
To be planted into this earthly reality
Manifested in flesh and designed for divine devotion?

I don't know
But in some ways
My life feels like a testament
to a ubiquitous force of love and grace

I've given up religion
But still I worship
I'm simply grateful to be alive
In this experience so perfect.

The sun glitters upon the coy pond
The wind whips softly through the trees
I find myself in places
That people fail to see
I'm overlooked and taken for granted
Like these secret destinations that I explore
Sitting at diner tables in the dark
My coffee is still hot,
Steam rolling up
I cup my frigid hands around the mug,
I lay my face down on the diner table,
Steely cold

I saw myself in a reflection on a passing train,
A deranged face with a malevolent smile in the background
My reflected face a hologram on top of his
NYC subways where the real rats are the people

The hill, it seemed, the hill
Where a tree gave shade
A quiet shade
In the midst of a raucous fair
Cotton candy and corn dog smells wafting in the air
Hormonal teenagers,
Strange setting,
Running in circles, searching, but not finding
Goodbye, deep within his eyes
The song by Smash Mouth as I rode away on my bike,
Smiling

Dark, decomposing chambers
Deep within my being
Going through seasons of death and rebirth
Death and rebirth,
I try to stop the cycle,
I just want to be alive
But the cycle is a wave
Within the ever changing river,
Never set on one course

I had a map once,
I had a plan,
I had a story
I had it all at once, it seemed
I had the grass in the field and laughter with beer and love on weekdays
Yet I always cowered when the subject of the future came up
But I've come to learn that everyday is the future
Setting it's course
On the wild seas of Life.

Faith is the struggle between not believing and believing again, over and over and over

I like diversity
Like braided wildflowers hung upon wrought iron fences
I like to see all different faces of different complexions,
Different body shapes and sizes
I love bodies soft and hard,
Lean, curvy, short, and tall
I like straight teeth, crooked teeth, no teeth
I love women who walk this earth like they own it
I love men who express themselves in ways that oppose their gender's roles
I like people who like to love
In a non-romantic kind a way
No striving after what you think you want
Just being so in love with life
With everything and everyone
I invite all races, cultures, ****** orientations, genders, political parties, and spiritual beliefs at my table
I invite everyone
Everyone who is willing to come to the table
With a heart ready to stop polarizing
And start healing with love.

“I suppose I’m just shy”
I think to myself,
As I cave into myself,
Or rather fold into myself.
I look up at them.
Some I am fond of,
Such as the retired nurse,
Laugh lines creased in her face.
Others I am subtly repulsed by,
Vitriol bubbles up in me
As I observe his behavior
That I find unseemly,
Especially since vestigial emotions
Of lust
Are connected to him in my psyche.

I don’t know,
I don’t know how to feel.
That’s a funny way to put it,
Because is there a particular way a person must feel?
I wonder from where our final decisions originate from.
I wonder why I am internally perplexed,
Not satisfied.
I wonder what can help me.
I see people who also suffer
With my sense of discontent and disconnection
But their ways of dealing with it
Don’t seem to heal
Their dissatisfaction.
If anything,
These people who seek therapies
For their woes
Only seem to fall further into the pit
They had found themselves in.
The labels psychologists
So frivolously bestow onto them
Have become a ball and chain
On their identity
Causing them to fall
Down the endless void of their suffering.

I just so vividly perceive a sickness in society,
And it makes me want to jump out of my skin
I don’t know….
Because oft times I find myself
Surrounded by people
Who easily pontificate,
Stepfords who don’t
Show any sign of a spark of Life
People who religiously
Play out their learned roles
From childhood,
Until their last moment on earth,
Never really going off script,
Never really having a desire to.

Now, I feel as if it’s almost unfair
That I had to feel these ways I do,
That I can see the world for what it really is.
But when I say this,
I know in a sense I am wrong,
Because my mind is just one mind
Synthesizing my reality through the
Scope of past experiences .
But why do I have to have this orientation?
Why can’t I just live a simple-minded life,
Like before?
Why must I always be searching for truth,
Searching for the reason why we’re here,
Searching for purpose,
For a deeper meaning behind all this?
Can I just forget?
Can I just forget and go back to a simpler time?

A simpler time
When the real world
Was the only world I was truly concerned about
It’s simple, straight-forward beauties
Nourished my soul enough.
I didn’t have any pressing need to
Explore unknown realms of the esoteric.
The natural world already had so much available to explore
And discover.
I was satisfied.
I was content.

But the anxieties of youth
And the horrific pains
Of childhood abuse
Created within me an incessant need
To improve myself.
First it began with makeup.
I caked layers and layers of makeup
On my acne filled preteen face.
Then I delved into the mind altering world
Of drugs,
With an emphasis on hallucinogens
Which was just another way to escape reality.
Just a mask of concealer that I could hide away under,
As my mind’s fantasies--
Fantasies that I could manipulate at will,
Became more real than reality--
A reality that I had known primarily to be
Cold and unforgiving.
But eventually the drugs took control of me,
And fate made it so
That I had to stop.

Finally, spirituality.
The final frontier, at least for me.
The most compelling of them all.
Absolutely endless and seemingly
Without dangerous side effects (not so)
Just another delusion I bought into, it feels.
But not quite.
There isn’t yet an ending
For this segment of my life.
I’m not sure
If there will be an ending to it.
I’m trying to find a way to actualize it though,
Instead of it being
Just another extension
Of my hopeless orientation to get lost
In daydreams.
I’m attempting to call this new chapter of my life
That I am currently writing,
The “Love in Action” chapter.

Well,
That’s it, I suppose
I don’t know why I make myself do things I don’t want to do,
Which inevitably makes my mind
Disengage
But anyway,
I guess I just want to become “real” in this lifetime,
And heal,
And stop searching so much,
And go back to the innocence,
The carefreeness,
The quiet joy and contentment
Of my childhood.
American culture is such
That EVERYTHING that can be commodified
Will be commodified.
So, I have to cut myself free
From the hypnosis of capitalism,
From the ideologies of the white man
So I can be lighter,
Flow through life with more ease,
Unaffected by this world’s disease.

Fear is a funny fantasy
Tearing at the very seams of reality
In dreams my fears are played out
Cycled over and over
Imbued in symbols
Yet in the day
I see in bold technicolor
The sky is not just clear and blue
It's neon blue and the clouds are creamy and sparse
And the sky is the reason for my happy celebration
But when the sky turns grey
And storm clouds descend
The sky doesn't merely herald a storm
But it heralds the remembrance of my deep sadness
And as much as I hate to
I'm forced to sit with my pain
As the sky opens up and it rains
But when the storm is over
And the sky shuts it's eyes
Grey clouds soften and roll away
And in a yellow sky
A faint rainbow
Orbs around my sorry town
Subconcious fear fades
As peace invades
As the beauty of nature
Steals words from my lips
And shuts down my overthinking brain
And finally, once again
I can feel the beauty in the pain.

Fingers
Wrapped around
The soft spine
Of your back neck
Doused in blue
Did we run the streets,
Dripping in blue body paint?

I saw the pink roses
Pretty and thorned
My bleeding hands,
Were unforgiving
The clock
Was unforgiving
I cried that whole night.

Dreams of Africa
On a safari
Looking up at a starry night sky,
I skipped through an orchard,
Singing a child's lullaby

My mind is a reflection of madness,
But you said you wanted more,
You tasted the sadness,
Swelling from my pores
Your eyes are porcelain
Static on a screen

The hummingbirds are calling
In their iridescent beauty
They drag me by my collar,
Into a land of whimsical triviality,
Where I hum with bees,
The rainbow is my palet from which I paint
Fighting off reality,
Reveling in insanity.

I have hope
Like rainbows painted over my eyes
My mind is a thunderstorm,
And my heart is a meandering river
I have hope
Tucked deep down in my ruby heart
It beats for the day
I will be set free
Circumstances have me heavy and slow
I am tired and worn
With barely any money,
And so little joy
But I cling to my dreams
And work on making them come to fruition everyday
Some call me a fool
But that's okay
I think they're a fool
For being stuck in old ways
I look up into the moon,
I laugh in the sun
I will never forgot
Everything I love
I will fight until I'm free
I'll love with blood on my hands,
I'll embrace this mess of life
I'll kiss life's forehead
And accept her for who she is
I'll walk in the rain
And find the peak of my pain
And on a cliff
I'll release it
I'll be free
With the words on my back
And the art on my tongue
I will not conform
I will not become self absorbed
I will just love
Even when I don't want to
I will love everybody
And I will love me.