No,
I say
Nah, it couldn't be
Yeah, my insecurities are wrecking me
Keeping me safe,
Or so I thought
Yeah,
The most uncertain aspect of my life
Includes you

But tonight
I'll make a calculated jump,
Anyway,
I've been making a lot of leaps lately
Trusting that something will catch me

Cause I know I'll have to take some risks,
To get to where I want to be.

I want to paint pictures with my lips
Run to the surface
Break through to the precipice
Of belief,
On an orb
Rotating

And my head is rotating too
It's like my mind is a carousel
Spinning round and round
My universe
Is turning inside out
All I can hear is screams,
Is there anyone out there
Who can feel me?

Grappling with unreality
It's funny to laugh about
Things I did as a teen
But really,
What does it mean?
To move in motions
That don't exist anymore
Why am I exploring a past,
That was only once mine,
And what the hell is time?

What's ancient is in the dirt,
And really,
There's no such thing as poetry
Or therapy
Or reason
Just endless dances with the seasons
Just trying to make sense
Of the endless hurting
Just cracking through your hardened skin
To breathe again

Oh, if I could paint pictures to make them understand--
Make an installation of my mind
Then maybe I'd be understood
Maybe I'd know myself too
But for now
Life is chaos inside me.

Cascading blue,
swelling into the open spaces
My mind is a muse
A flame, untainted

I dream of you,
You're like the morning fog
So tangible
But you escape my grasp

Kiss me, like sunflowers dying
Don't abandon
What's already forsaken
So stay here, awaken

"**** feelings" I mutter
'Cause it's hard to fathom
Why a woman like me
Would have these imaginings.

I like things that are bad for me
I just have to be honest

I'm not saying it's okay
To be attracted to the chaos

But it feels like a magnet pulling me,
Constantly

A life of addictions
Always has me questioning my sanity

I want to have hope
For a day when I won't feel this way

When I will be able
To articulate my truth clearly

Saying yes to love resolutely,
And no to hatred-- without exceptions.

There was something wrong with the sky today
in the melancholy cold September sun.
Frost sculpted clouds hung in the empty blue,
bereft, uncelebrated

The swallows are gone.
No more exalting
in our wet summer
unfettered by earthbound grumbles:
now they scythe the skies
to Africa
leaving us completely behind.

A white-spattered woodshed -
over-bold insects -
and perhaps
the promise of return.

Sapphire feathers cloak me
My back to the sun, golden
Heart like an emerald glowing,
Heart like an emerald glowing

Twilight, soft and yellow
My chest, rising-- up and down
Creatures chattering
My mind doesn't make a sound

I think I remember
As I force forgetting
I feel I remember
Eyes closed, transported to an ethereal setting

Whence I came
From the womb
Encased deep within my mother
Germinating, preparing to bloom

But was there existence before the womb?
Was I first a notion
To be planted into this earthly reality
Manifested in flesh and designed for divine devotion?

I don't know
But in some ways
My life feels like a testament
to a ubiquitous force of love and grace

I've given up religion
But still I worship
I'm simply grateful to be alive
In this experience so perfect.