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River Jun 2017
If you wanted to know,
Then yes,
I like you
If you wanted to know,
Then yes,
I love you
If you wanted to know,
Then yes,
I adore you

Everything you do mesmerizes me,
From the way you move to the way you talk
The way you smile and the way you look into my eyes
The way you nervously look away,
If you wanted to know,
Then yes,
I care
And I notice
And I see
What others don't

If you wanted to know,
The heart wants what it wants
And my heart
Wants you
Flaws and all
I am blind to all of them
All I can see is You
Past the confusion and pain
And all the time gone by without gain
I thought you were gone for good,
But look,
You're back
Walking beside me
Exactly where you should be
By my side, in my heart
Stay here and don't depart.
River Jun 2017
So sweet and so tender
Your ruby lips form into a smile
Which leaves me in ecstasy for an endless while
I feel my heart flutter,
My my body utterly revived
These feelings I cannot contrive
These feelings I cannot hide
I ride the wave of unspoken love
It is resplendent, purely gold
Holding me in it's warmth
When my whole world is cold
Oh, what a helpless poet I am
Writing your name in the sand
The ocean washes it away
But this affection is not ephemeral like messages written in the sand
It is a message, put inside a bottle
Thrown into the ocean
Oneday to arrive
At the destination of love.
Oh boy..
River Jun 2017
A tale of becoming
Of threads being woven together,
And ending
Culminating
Finishing
The hero is nearing deliverance
Sees the light in the distance
Deep within the cave
*I've met a world of many wonders
Peculiarities and honest realizations
Did I not know
That this was a journey, all along
A simulation in which I was the protagonist?
I saw vistas I could not fathom
That no ordinary man could imagine
Of inter-connectedness and miracles
Like the things out of your wildest dreams
I sought, thirsting for truth,
Dying for love
I got so much more than I asked for
I closed my eyes
But when I opened them
I saw I was living the dream
I am the dream
Realized,
Becoming
Egressing from that place of depression
Going towards the light of dawn,
The Light to which I am drawn.
River Jun 2017
Do you ever hide away at home
Because daily living has a heavy toll
You see potential pain in every moment,
Every face,
In every pause and every lag
You are overcome by lurking sadness
It screams that you will never be
Who you dream to be
You pass the bridge and look down
You push aside the thoughts of pain,
For jumping off is what you refrain from
You have a plastered smile to keep you sane
But really, all it does is make you seem inane

I look into a twisted mirror,
I see the face of a contorted figure
I ask: "Who are you?"
But no answer is delivered
I'm just a mind plagued with the residue of trauma
Debilitating memories that make me shake and want to huddle in a ball
Tear the whole world apart with my ****** claws
Scream and create nonsensical havoc
Because I can't seem to compensate
For all the confusion that swims below in my subconscious
I need someone to hold me,
But I convince myself,
No one could love me and my demons
I have a reasoning mind but my heart is disconnected
If you knew my story you'd understand why my internal world is so hectic
And yet my lips are sealed
For I try to conceal
And perfect and attain
The life of my ideals
But on days like today
I feel so far away from joy
I sit, deformed, shaking on the floor
Not understanding anymore
Not understanding anymore.

My heart had become unplugged
For once I loved and loved and loved
But my love was taken for granted
Smashed on the floor and broken, ravaged
I sit here, dumb-founded and crying
Looking through the reel of memories in my mind
Trying to figure out at what point it all went wrong
But my life has been a series of painful experiences
Escapism was my way to quell the incessant shame
But an unplugged heart knows not how to receive
The relief and release of unconditional love
It's there for my taking
Delivered by Jesus
If I would just stretch out my hand and accept it,
I could live in His love, undaunted
I'm a child of God,
And I know this
It's time to plug my heart back in
And own it.
I like to write happy endings of hope when I don't feel too good. It lifts my mood :)
River Jun 2017
I'm bursting at the seams because of an untold secret
A harmless attraction that I hide away for reasons I don't understand
My analytical mind tries to frantically reason with me saying:
"If you reveal how you feel you will open yourself up to the possibility of the pain of rejection"
Fear is leading me right now,
But I can't take it anymore
I want to throw fear off of my back,
Open my sails to the winds
And fly into the vastness of possibilities that the endless and uncertain ocean has to offer me
I want to take my life by the reigns and at least try to get what I want
And if I get rejected or fail, at least I've tried
And am better prepared for the next time things don't go the way I planned

It's funny how these irrational fears get weaved into our beings
Seeds of fear were sown when we were defenseless against the many cruelties of the world,
So we built walls around our vulnerable hearts
But sometimes those walls are so tall and secure
That even a trustworthy person is seen as a potential intruder
Who, once allowed inside the interior of the heart,
May ravage it

Well, I'm going to let down my walls a little bit,
Heck, I've grown so much inside,
Changed, rearranged and uprooted so much of what was slowly killing me
I'm not exactly where I want to be
But I'm progressing steadily
Maybe letting the right people in
Is the next step in my journey

This secret can no longer be contained
It sits at the back of my throat,
Like a frog
Ready to leap forth
I deserve what I want
And I deserve to express myself, unabashed
I just can't live a lie anymore,
And living in fear is the grand lie,
But living from Love,
I know what to do,
It whispers softly in my heart:
*Speak the truth.
  Jun 2017 River
Antimmm yadav
In the cool evening of life's Autumn
inner demons desperate to release
a melancholic atmosphere so solemn
wishing to be at one with peace

In the inky blackness of the darkest night
haunted by a vivid breathless spirit
a demonic shape with me to fight
sanctuary sought but always near it

In the nascent warmth of early spring
my body meets the challenge of healing
this voyage on the big sea bringing
a fatigue inducing queasy feeling

In the solitude of life's hues
Melancholy speaks to quit
Mind needs inebriation in the blues
But heart believes in life's another whack

In the lonely hours of April daylight
positive thinking to achieve my goal
watching birds in soaring glorious flight
through the windows of my soul
River Jun 2017
I remember being a child, going to the circus,
With my little sister and my mother
We rode a yellow taxi into Manhattan
My mother tried to get me to walk up to the elephant
But I adamantly refused, which I later regretted

I was spellbound by the tigers
And told my mother that I was going to train tigers and lions in the circus to jump through hoops when I grow up,
Just one of the many careers I considered in my early life

And what a surprise,
To grow up and incur so many wounds
I never saw my family's dysfunction when I was younger,
I was probably one of the happiest kids ever,
But aren't most kids blissful? Because they don't know
They don't yet fully comprehend the perverse world they have been born into

What a surprise to have my dreams ripped so stealthily from me
To see this jubilant child transformed into a gasping fish on the floor,
Gasping for it's life,
To no avail,
As passerby become bystanders
Looking indifferently at the suffering,
Not being able to feel
Refusing to help

I remember being in my hometown,
Third grade,
Standing at the bus stop with my mother and my younger sister
The sun was setting, dusk
A tattered, leathery old man
Who was extremely drunk,
Tried desperately to get across a wide and busy street
I anxiously looked up to my mother
And begged her to help him, or let me help him
She refused, a scowl on her face,
She excused herself just like everyone else around her,
Like all the people in cars that almost hit him
As he was helplessly on his knees
Fists deep in hot rubble
A drunken daze of anguish on his face,
Paralyzed in this position
And I cried
Letting out little screams
Everytime this poor man
Fell on the ground in front of a car
And I thought I was going to witness the end
Of this helpless man

Another time
I was in Las Vegas
With my pregnant mother, and my sister and my grandparents and my mother's soon to be husband
We took a plane to Las Vegas, I was eight
Because my mother was going to marry my stepfather there, a shot gun wedding,
But something went wrong, and they didn't get married in Las Vegas, but ended up getting married back at home
One night in Las Vegas,
Me and my family were sitting outside in the evening, at a strip mall
I think we were waiting for someone to pick us up,
The only other person there was an overweight man sitting on a bench by himself a few yards away from where my family was sitting
I was walking around, exploring my surroundings,
When I noticed this man sitting by himself
I thought that he looked lonely,
So I sat next to him and started talking to him, asking him how he was,
My mom saw me and yelled at me,
Pulling me away and reprimanding me for talking to strangers
I didn't understand why she couldn't see that I was just trying to be kind to a man that appeared to be lonely

I remember another time,
In 12th grade, I went to a concert with my boyfriend back then,
I was high on a hallucinogenic
It was a Nero concert in Manhattan
I went to the bathroom, waited on a long line,
When I finally got in I saw that there was a side room in the bathroom with plether couches covered in endless puke
A woman who looked a lot older than the majority of people at the concert,
Probably in her 30s
Fell on the floor and hit her skull so hard I heard it hit the ground
While the girls in front of me, white girls who were probably sorority girls, pointed their fingers at her, laughing to themselves
Took out a digital camera and started to record her
I got off the line to the bathroom to help her up,
Of course, right when I did this, those girls came to their senses and got in touch with their rarely used empathy
I took her to the room with puke covered couches to tend to this tall, sad woman
I asked her what she was on,
Shrooms
And probably tons of liquor
I asked her if she was okay, how did she feel?
I walked out of the bathroom with her,
Where my boyfriend was waiting for me
Next to him was this blonde ****
She walked to him
I asked him who the hell he was
He was so smug it made me sick
He looked way too young to be with her,
But this woman reassured me that she was with him
My boyfriend discouraged me from starting a fight with this smug loser
I just wanted to punch all of the haughtiness out of him
But all I could do was I look sadly on
As I saw this strange tall woman,
Too inebriated to stand
Walked away with this evil hearted man

The whole world is a circus
We're told to spend all our money on college,
That that will make us good humans
We judge people by so much criteria that isn't even important
We waste all our money on college degrees and then end up working minimum wage jobs anyway
We overlook the poor and suffering,
Because it doesn't advance us in our self progression in any way
We are such a ******* self centered nation,
It makes me ******* sick,
We're so disrespectful, unempathetic, uncaring, unloving, cruel
We don't have God
We rely only on ourselves
God is love
But who are we, without God?
Savage, cruel, hungry souls
Ready to devour any helpless soul that appears to be weaker than us
So we can pummel them
And destroy them,
In an attempt to steal the little life they have left in them to revive our hearts of coal
This is the world I live in,
I'm not going to try to pretend cruelty isn't real and prevalent
I am in this world, but not from it
And oneday I will go home,
To Love, to God,
Away from all this craziness of the world that brings pulls at my heart and brings tears to my eyes.
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