Falling down a kaleidoscopic chasm
One you or I could never fathom
I like to keep my eyes closed
because that's when I see the rose
of this tribulation
melting in the womb
of this maternal nation
It's a relation too thin,
like ice
I fall through
I keep falling through
And when I look to you
I see me
The many reflections of humanity.
I have to purge
this darkness
it attaches to my heart
like a forced dance with the devil
I'm always reaching for the stars
But being thrown down to the deepest,
darkest, dankest level
Where I feel nothing,
absolutely nothing.

What is the matter
with this sunflower child
staring deep into my eyes
She means everything and knows nothing,
I know nothing and feel everything
Purge me, purge me
From this feeling
of nothingness and everything
Breaking a part
Seeing for the first time
The blankness of reality
Stark and cold and filled with infinite light.

Went so far down the rabbit hole
That you'd never understand
I behold thee in my imagination
Eyes are portals to the soul that
cause so much elation
and frustration
For thinking I could ever discern real truth,
because truth is simply skewed
It's diluted
My lips wish to speak it,
But my mind is convoluted
And it doesn't know which words to speak
If they'd be understood
by the meek.

Stuck and infinitely running
in this circle,
going round and round
recycled
living, so alive
and stagnant
bursting and bubbling
so, so angry
and yet all I do is smile
and hold back my mind
I wring my wrists
and form fists
I knot my hands behind my back
And lock myself in
Against self-expression,
I decay
Yet another day,
wasted away
on this sovereign conformity
The nest is safe
But I'm ready to fly
and if I don't
I'll continue in this misery--
un-ending, numbing
You'll have to forgive me
Because no longer can I live this way...

I have a crush
What a rush
I can't push or feel
I just flow and kneel
Just surrender
To this ineffable splendor

Pause and breathe
cause I just have to release
That's the only way
I'll feel ease
It's my heart I want to please

Our eyes
pause on each other
Our mouths
are slightly gaping
I understand so much
in that moment
and know so little

All I can feel is
this rush,
I know this much:
I have a crush.

It's dawn now, it's the dawn of my life, of my soul
But for so long it had been night,
It had been agonizing, hollow darkness
Echoing like a gong
Pitted deep within an abyss
Despair seemed like forever a concept
Taking root in my heart
and deeming me inconsolable;
My eyes started to turn grey.

One day I laid my life on a line,
To hang, to dry
I climbed up on my roof
And howled out to the moon
I was dry and hurt and haunted
But I hadn't given up
There was a spark,
even though faint,
still flickering in the base
of my being
I didn't give up,
Something told me, taught me
Never give up
No matter how you feel,
or how hopeless something seems
Just promise me, that
you'll never give up.

Lightning came down on me with
a crashing loud noise
It shook me up,
shook me up from this nightmare
I experienced most of my life
I believed that nightmare, I believed
that lie
I choose to be miserable,
But when that realization like lightning hit me,
I started to choose to be joyful
I still experience emotions I wish I didn't feel,
But I'm better off
Testing my limits
through both good and bad times
This is not a perfect life
But at least I'm living, and not merely alive.

A dream told me to write a poem titled
Little Blue Hill,
Here it goes

First, I dreamed of Shrek
Weird, I know
I had an epiphany in my dream
It was this profound realization
This wow! moment I experienced
Right slam center within the dream
It was this:
Fiona fell in love with Shrek
because she could be her true self
in his presence
She could be the ogre she truly was with him
She could be completely vulnerable and herself with him,
No walls, no facades, no masks
Just herself
Right then my sleep was interrupted,
which I was happy about so I could remember this dream
And falling back asleep,
my brain exclaimed
That's what real love is!
I never realized that that is the deeper meaning of
Shrek all along, I never saw it there
But it was there, implicitly

In my second dream
I was at church
And I healed someone's injury
With my hands
The people of the church
applauded me and looked onto me with awe
I felt proud
But also ashamed of my pride
I wanted to stand up and say: "I don't deserve the praise. It is God alone who heals"
But I sat in a pew, with a smug grin on my face
And an elation in my heart.

In my third dream
I was talking to a guitarist at church
And I mentioned a little blue hill,
for some reason
Then, I was on that hill
and I exclaimed
"I'll write a poem about a little blue hill!"
So, I did
And here it is

If I were a boy
I would have so much less fear
I wouldn't always have to look behind my back
And be wary of who I choose to keep near
I wouldn't have to be scared about being assertive
When the guy who's flirting with me makes me disconcerted

If I were a boy
I could go out for a jog
And run in a remote area
I could go hiking and camping all alone
And not have to worry
About being ***** and murdered

If I were a boy
I wouldn't have to question what clothes I wear
Hiding myself under layers,
Because I'm scared
That I'll be abused and ravaged
If I'm attrative

If I were a boy
Reading the news about
The **** and ****** of women
Might not affect me as much as it does
It wouldn't make me reconsider
If I should go outside today,
Ride my bike alone today
Make sure the door is locked and the alarm is set
So hopefully I can get my rest
Without fearing for my life

If I were a boy
Maybe I wouldn't imagine
What it's like to be a woman
Going about her life,
Suddenly attacked by a stranger,
Struggling for her dignity and then her life
Dying under the crushing force of hatred in her killer's eyes

If I were a boy
I wouldn't understand the reasons why a woman would be scared to be a woman.

Tears well in my eyes
For the sense of powerless-ness I feel
In the pit of my stomach
So powerless to pain
So powerless to evil
I can't change it,
Erase it,
Morph it into something beautiful
Like the end of a Disney movie
When the spell is lifted
And the kingdom is restored

I see masks plastered everywhere
Having a resemblance of depth
But they're merely shallow, bottomless abysses
Echoing their identity that they cling to
I want to say:
"It's all been said before! Can't you see? All these uprisings and rebellions throughout history didn't lead us very far. Our human nature is our persisting scar"
But maybe they'd sneer and call me "un-enlightened"
But really, their ideals are not even in alignment with their lifestyles
It's bizarre how we humans can dream up ideals and a utopia in our mind,
But continue to fail to bring those dreams into physical form
Maybe we're just all not on the same wave length?

I just don't understand
Do some people actually enjoy suffering,
The perpetuators of cruelty?
Or are they programmed to act maliciously by default
Because they were taught that we live in a cruel world
And the only way to survive is by being a sociopath
Or is the source of cruelty the 1 percent,
The filthy rich looking down at us at a Roman ampitheater,
Getting a thrill off our suffering

I want to pick up the whole world in my arms
Like an ailing helpless infant,
This is what our world has become
A toddler who doesn't know better,
That is drawn in by the vibrant glow of the fire
And is burned
I suppose collectively, we just don't know better
That we continue to be self destructive in every possible way,
And we don't even know it or
We even enjoy it...

I don't want to see anymore
Sad, vacant faces
I want to see smiles abounding
And hearts eager to share love and kindness
I want to see change,
I want to feel change,
I want to be change!
I want to change!
I want, the mindset that leads to futility
Rather, what can I do and be for others?
Perhaps this is what we all must focus on.