Where is your heart,
It's a diversion
The glimmering, shimmering
Façade; the cloak
I like bright colors and shining ornaments
I thought I liked these things
Like your eyes and your voice
But it all disintergrates
Like the dust that was once mountains

My mind is the keeper of myriad memories captured by my five senses
I used to think it was all about me
And now I find myself dying to self
I can't make sense of it all
I've stopped imploring
Beating my fists to the floor, begging for more knowledge
I went out and sought the tree of knowledge
So I could take a bite of that poisonous fruit
I never found it.

Sometimes I find myself wrapped up in diversions,
Spellbound
Caught up in a web of hedonistic pursuits
Awaiting my death
I called "save me!"
Like the apostle Peter did when he was sinking
I called out in agony when all the pleasures became pain
An Angel appeared beside me
And guided me out of the dark night of my soul.

Sometimes,
On days as placid as this one
I completely forget what pain is and
How prevelant suffering is
It's too easy to just look out for myself and my own needs and wants
It's too easy to turn a blind eye to the starving child thousands of miles away from you or
The self destructive drug addict next door
It doesn't matter if the suffering is forced onto the person or if it's self inflicted
We need to love all,
Seek to bandage the wounded with unconditional love
And cast fear out of ourselves
The fear of what is foreign to us

Some days
When I'm happy and content
I ask myself,
Where is my heart?
I may never be recognized for the good deeds I've done in my life
But I rather live a life full of purpose
Even if that entails
Showering love onto the ones who are suffering
Putting myself among the lowest of the low
So that I can reach out my hand
And pull someone up to my level of joy in God.

The setting sun
Embroiders heavy,
Pregnant with rain, clouds
With hues of pink laced with gold
Up against the tranquil blue sky
The pink clouds sprawled across the solid blue
Like the wool baby blanket
You can't get yourself to give up

Sometimes
When I look up at those tangible,
Realer than life clouds
I fathom if they could possibly take me away
Zip down to me like an unidentified space craft--
I would board the clouds like a ship
And I'd be shown all
the world
All the wonders of the world,
And all the knowledge of the world not yet known to mankind

I'd escape every triviality that perplexes me daily,
Which I know shouldn't perplex me, but does anyway,
Because I'm human and sometimes I'm not as brave and noble as I want and ought to be

Bats fly overhead..
My daydreams cannot take me very far,
For they are limited to my minds synapses..
A firefly dances beside me..
The sun sets hastily
Shadows grow deeper,
Simultaneously my heart grows despondent
As the shadows of night proliferate,
Until darkness engulfs this town entirely,
Like a cloak
That incites my own inner shadows
To awaken

I dream of a day
That will be filled with elation and no more
Of this intermittent, unwanted pain
That is like birth pangs,
Unexpected and excruciating

*Sunset clouds, take me away
Take me to the paradise that my mind
Did create.

I've been making changes everyday
Since I decided I didn't like the way
I felt and thought
And I only realized today
Seeing myself in the mirror, that I'm different
I speak different now
I smile different now
I think different now
I'm different

It's like, I'm different
But exactly the same
It's hard to describe
It's just I have so much less pain
Before i was stressed and
Hurting
Always disconcerted
But now that's lifted,
I feel loved, light, gifted

This is for all the hopeless, that see no point in
Continuing on in their transient misery
Well, this is my testimony
And I hope you take it to heart
And treasure it as a keepsake,
It serving to remind you and convince you
That your ailing heart
Won't ail forever
Things change, life gets better.

I see you
I'm getting to know you
This process is
Gentle and patient
Moving along rhythmically
Like the streaming waters of a creek

I look up to the baby blue sky
And it soothes me
Just like our friendship
You're different but
the same
Yet the same merely on a surface level,
But I have an inkling that you
Have deep notions inside of you
That you don't easily unleash to the layman's ear
And you understand and know
More than you possibly could

Blue, like the surface of the ocean
And now I'm diving deep
To get to know you
And understand you better
And see you for the man you truly are
Underneath all the illusions I construct
And the persona you don
To fit in more graciously in our little town's culture
But I can see, when our eyes lock
That you have so much more depth
Than most people know

I'm a deep sea diver
And I'm diving into you
I'm brave, I'm courageous,
Through this process of getting to know you
Mental barriers are being incinerated,
My confidence is strengthening
And my desperate need for validation is withering
I know what I want,
And I will pursue
With the ease of a deep sea diver
With no oxygen tank
I go deeper and deeper,
Risking my heart, laying it bear and vulnerable
Not completely sure if you will handle it with care or
Trample it beyond repair
Pacing myself,
Holding my breathe
Losing consciousness
To reach deeper conclusions
I'm taking this last deep breathe of certainty,
And diving into the Unknown.

This logical brain I've developed
Is calculating and critical
I can't help myself from
Reminiscing of the days
When my experiences were less verbal
And more tactile, visceral and
Magical
I was so easily tantilized with
Life, with
It's abundant beauty never failing to spark
My endless curiosity

I recall
Pressing a conch shell
On my delicate child ear
And listening intently to
The recorded echo of waves
And sometimes i thought I heard the calls
Of seagulls within the interior of
The shell
And I wondered if it was even possible
For the shell not to only have the sound of the waves imprinted within it
But the sounds of the animals that dwelled within and without as well

I used to be really spellbound by the concept of God and Jesus
And mother used to tell me that they both live in my heart,
And I was completely flabbergasted,
Because not only did they live in my heart,
But she told me they lived in everyone's heart
And I imagined a young bearded man
With long brown hair
Clothed in a robe and a purple sash
Just chilling in the interior of my heart,
Like he'd made a home out of my heart

Now, I'm not completely sure
How I feel about faith and God
Because there are so many options
I find myself asking:
Are they all true?
Can it be possible that only one religious path is the right way, and the rest are wrong?
Yet I feel like the more I seek,
Though my rational brain cannot
Come up with an explanation
The more I actually feel
Sought out and
Comforted by a God
That I yearn to know more about

Just the other day
A metaphysical ball of misery
Was lifted out of the pit of my stomach
When I cried out to God
Running through dense woods
Like out of a movie,
Only me and God
Me trying to run away,
Like always,
Because the pain of this world
Is too sharp
Sobbing,
Yet,
God is redeeming me.

Cotton candy and
Pink carnations and
A pink wool baby blanket and
Our cheeks when
Our eyes meet
It's all pink, it's all
So sweet

I'm gonna talk to him
I tell myself everyday
And I never even give you a chance
'Cause when you're close, I run away
It's because I truly fear
That once we talk
All my pent up feelings and fantasies
Will be crystal clear
To you
And what if they scare you
And you run away
Thinking me odd
For my crush,
For me liking you so much?

Well,
It'll be different this time
Yea, I can talk to you,
Without letting you know
How really cool and awesome and
Different I think you are
I'll just say "hello"
And smile
And we'll talk
And become good friends
I'll soon forget all the times
I imagined marrying you
Because I'll be getting to know you,
And who knows,
Maybe you'll turn out to be so much better
Than the man I dreamt you up to be.